Delusions of Grandeur
by herinfiniteeyes
Summary: Bella is a liberal girl with an outspoken opinion while Edward is an uptight conservative. When these two meet in a political science class, sparks will fly. M for lemons in future chapters. OOC/AH/AU
1. Preamble

Takes One to Know One

BPOV

I slammed the door on my truck and stalked toward the ugly building housing the community college. It was eight in the morning on a Saturday, and I was in a foul mood. My iPOD was blasting Earth Crisis in my ears, only encouraging the grimace on my face.

Though I kept my eyes fixed on the ground in front of me to avoid falling, I noticed other students out of the corner of my eye making their way to the door. I knew most of them from other classes I'd taken, and I wasn't looking forward to having more with them. This political science class may have been a requirement for my AA, but I was looking forward to it. I loved a good debate, especially against ignorant children whose political ideals were spoon-fed to them by their parents.

I snorted at the thought, anticipating many opportunities to throw the cold water of truth in their faces. This would be fun.

Finally, I made it into the classroom and sat near the front, which was a habit of mine. Studies show students who sit at the front of the class always learn better than their counterparts who snooze off in the back of the room, so here I was, being studious.

I threw my messenger bag on the floor, grinning at all the various pins and patches attached to it. My personal favorite was the pin that said "Beef: It's what's rotting in your colon!"

I was a few minutes early, so I pulled out my copy beat up copy of _Animal Liberation_ and sat back in my desk to read while I waited for class to start.

EPOV

I parked my car in the half-empty lot of the school and climbed out, looking around at the other students. I was parked next to an old rust heap of a truck, and I grimaced when the girl getting out slammed her door with force. I made a point of closing the door of my Volvo very gently after that.

Heading toward the school, I straightened my red tie and smoothed my hand down the front of my white dress shirt, making sure it was tucked neatly into my khaki pants. My stride was confident and smooth as I walked into the classroom.

Due to the studies I'd read on the subject, the seats at the front of the classroom were always my first choice. I wound my way through the desks and sat down next to a girl, only noticing after I'd settled in that it was the same girl from the parking lot.

My eyes scanned the room, recognizing most of the students from other classes. I smirked at the bleeding heart liberal to my right wearing an Obama t-shirt. I wondered if this guy had any idea what Obama stood for, or if his parents were the ones voting for him. The kid didn't even look old enough to vote, let alone grasp the intricacies of politics.

I turned back to my right, observing the girl. She was vaguely familiar, but I couldn't remember her name. She'd gone to high school with me a couple years ago. She had long brown hair cascading down her back in waves that guarded her face from my view. Her slender form was encased in a tight black t-shirt that said Throwdown on the front, worn over a white thermal undershirt. She wore tight indigo jeans and a studded belt with ratty old black and white Converse on her feet. On her left wrist, I could see a tattoo but I couldn't make out what it was.

I rolled my eyes when I read the title of the book she was reading, wondering if she'd jumped on the vegetarian bandwagon after high school when most people tried to separate themselves from the herd mentality by doing things that they believed would make them "different."

Just then, the professor walked in and began class. I sat up straight in my desk, my eyes alert and my face set in a friendly greeting when he approached me. "Hello there, Edward. How is your father doing?" he asked jovially.

"He's fine, thank you. How have you been, Mr. Allan?" I responded politely.

I saw the girl look up at me in my peripheral vision with a derisive look on her face. She probably thought I was a disgusting brown-noser. _Well, let her think that. It doesn't matter anyway_, my mind said.

Professor Allan and I continued to exchange pleasantries as the rest of the class trickled in. I was eager for this class because I loved a good debate, but I had to keep myself in check because I knew it wouldn't do to get too impassioned. After all, this was just a silly little college course, hardly worth getting worked up about.

Since it was the first day, we spent the rest of the time going over the syllabus and asking questions about the expectations for the coursework. I felt confident in my ability to get a good grade in this class, so I wasn't worried.

BPOV

I was severely disappointed in myself. I was sitting there, reading my book and trying to tune out everyone around me when I felt his presence in the desk next to mine. I tried not to look at him, but I couldn't help myself.

I waited until he was busy looking elsewhere, and only then did I allow myself to take him in with my eyes.

Edward Cullen was amazingly good-looking, and amazingly prickish. I knew of him in high school, but I'd never spoken to him. I knew plenty about him, however. He was a crazy ass right-wing Republican Christian boy who was completely out of touch with reality. I'd seen him around campus involved in certain events for things like Christians for Life, a pro-life organization that probably did things like plant pipe bombs at the local Planned Parenthoods.

He also ran a Republican talk show on the college's radio station. Sometimes he played classical music, but for the most part he interviewed conservatives from the community. I never listened to it, because I didn't give a shit, but I knew of it.

I was not surprised when Professor Allan walked in and immediately began to drool over Captain Christian. I'm sure he was positively _thrilled_ to have such a high-profile student in his class. They started talking to each other and I tuned them out in favor of the book in my hands.

Professor Allan was one of the good ol' boys in our illustrious community. He had spearheaded the campaign to get the current Republican senator elected, and I knew he was big in our community, holding it back by at least a hundred years. He probably didn't like the fact his wife could vote.

Finally, they wrapped up their little circle jerk and I took the syllabus Allan handed to me. I quickly scanned the requirements for the class, noting with dread the group project that would constitute the final. I hated working in groups because I was always the one pulling all the weight in order to get a good grade.

After the syllabus was covered, Professor Allan stood up and clapped his hands together in glee. I groaned at his next words: "Okay class, now we will be getting to know a little bit about each other. I want to go around the classroom so you can introduce yourselves. Please say your name and, if you feel comfortable, share a bit about your political views. We will be having mock debates on current issues and it's important that you all have a good understanding of where you stand."

We went around the classroom, and I listened dispassionately as people pretended they knew what they were talking about. Very few of the students actually knew where they stood politically; the rest of them either spouted nonsense or mumbled barely coherent replies.

Finally, it was my turn and I was ready to strut my stuff. I took a deep breath and jumped right in, saying, "My name is Bella Swan and I am a registered member of the Green Party. I work for PETA as a research aid for the lobby, I belong to the local chapter of Food Not Bombs, and I was involved in grassroots campaigning for Dennis Kucinich, as he was the only vegan presidential hopeful."

When I was finished, I crossed my arms over my chest defiantly and sat back in my desk, daring anyone to say something. The room was completely silent, so I finally relaxed and Allan moved on to Cullen.

EPOV

Bella Swan was her name, and she was probably crazy. She seemed to be heavily involved in politics and animal rights issues. I found myself reluctantly impressed with her passion.

Professor Allan nodded to me, indicating it was my turn to introduce myself. I cleared my throat and said, "My name is Edward Cullen and I'm a Republican. I belong to the Christians for Life community group, which is a special interest group that supports the pro-life movement in politics. I also run my own show on the college radio station called Young Republicans every Thursday night from seven to eight p.m. My summer was spent in Washington D.C. as a page boy for Slade Gorton."

I heard Bella snort under her breath when I was finished, and I turned to her with my eyes narrowed. I waited for her to say something, but she just looked back at me and rolled her eyes. I was instantly pissed off, but before I could say anything, Allan thanked the class and allowed us to leave early.

I watched as Bella gathered her things, shoving everything into a dirty canvas messenger bag with a huge patch on the flap sporting three big black X's. I frowned at her retreating back, wondering how someone so beautiful could be so angry and militant.

**A/N: So this wasn't a full chapter, it was more of an introduction. I plan on writing more as soon as I'm done wrapping up Take One For the Team, because I don't know if I could maintain three stories at the same time. I just couldn't wait to start writing it though, so that's why I'm posting it now. This story will be rated T because I want to change things up a little********. So what do you think? Does it interest you to read more? Let me know! -HIE**


	2. Constitution

BPOV

I was trying my best to ignore the boy sitting two rows over from me, but my eyes kept drifting back toward him. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. Why was I so attracted to this guy, when he was so obviously _not_ my type?

I mean, look at him. He's wearing an outfit meant for some upper-class executive. He's even got a tie clip on, for crying out loud! I can't imagine why he would bother to dress up this much for class, especially when the teenagers around us looked like they'd hardly bothered to roll out of bed in order to be here.

Saturday mornings weren't my ideal time for a class, but I figured that it was better for my brain if I didn't spend all day in bed like a sloth. I know my dad was happier with me up and out of the house, but then Charlie was always gone doing stuff with his friend Billy, so he wasn't really around anyway.

This would be our fourth class, and I'd been hanging on every word coming out of Edward's mouth. I couldn't help my fascination with him, but I didn't have to like it, either. He was probably the world's largest tool, at least in my book. I would never understand how people could be led so blindly to believe the things he preached about on his stupid radio show.

The weirdest thing is, I don't remember him being like this in high school. Sure, he'd been somewhat involved in group activities and I knew he came from a religious family, but I don't remember him being so intense about it.

I slumped down in my seat and waited for class to get over so I could get the hell out of here. I'd promised Jacob I would come to watch his band practice, and I was going to be cutting it close. They were practicing some new stuff or the upcoming battle of the bands hosted by Action for Animals up in Seattle, and he wanted my input.

The vegan/straight-edge hardcore scene was gaining fast in Seattle, and I was really excited about it. My friends and I all tried really hard to spread the vegan lifestyle whenever and wherever we could. Animals were meant to be respected, not eaten, and I wanted to do my part in trying to banish animal cruelty in my lifetime.

I shifted in my seat, looking at the back of Edward's head while he listened intently to the teacher. I wondered what he was thinking.

Wait, I _knew_ what he was thinking. He was probably planning the stupid barbecue for his stupid Christian Club. Ugh. I'll just bet there would be nothing but huge slabs of dead meat, dripping in red sauce. Fat assholes living in holier-than-thou ignorance with their precious beliefs and their stupid oil-guzzling SUVs would be lined up around the block to pay homage to His Highness, the King of All Douches.

I really hated Christian Republicans. They were everything that was wrong with our society, and I didn't care _how_ hot Edward was; he was still one of _them_.

I went back to scribbling on my notebook, trying to kill time. The teacher was lecturing on the Constitution and I was bored out of my mind, wondering when he was going to give up the good fight and let us go for the day.

"So, we need to work in pairs," he said, his voice penetrating my daze. I groaned, along with everybody else in the class.

"Don't worry, I'll count of by two's so nobody has to go through the _torture_ of picking a partner," he replied, a big smile on his face.

I rolled my eyes and counted off as he pointed to me. Every other person was put together and finally, we were separated for our assignment. Oh, and guess who my partner was?

You guessed it. King Douche Jockey himself. Edward Freakin' Cullen.

I cleared my throat and prepared for a frontal attack, wondering if he was going to bust on me now or later. Everyone like him did eventually. One minute we'd be doing homework and the next, he'd be making some snide comment about how I should eat more meat. Or he would just make some joke at my expense about vegans being a waste of space.

I watched as he gathered his stuff and crossed the room to sit in the vacant desk next to mine. He looked about as happy as I did to be working together. My shoulders stiffened when I caught him staring at my messenger bag, obviously trying to read the pins that were covering most of its surface area.

I coughed discreetly to get his attention, and his eyes met mine. I gulped, trying to push back the sudden attack of nerves. His golden eyes were catching the fluorescent lights in such a way that it made them gleam. The highlights in his hair were brought to life. Why was it that fluorescent lights made everyone _except_ Edward Cullen look like shit?

Life just wasn't fair sometimes.

I smiled at him weakly before trying to speak. "So, um, what is it we're supposed to be doing again?" I asked, trying to be civil.

Edward gave me a look that suggested he was trying really hard not to roll his eyes. "We're supposed to be going through the Bill of Rights, giving an example for each one," he replied in his velvety smooth voice. I shivered against my will.

"Umm... examples of what?" I asked, kicking myself as soon as I said it. _Great, I look like a complete idiot now!_

This time Edward didn't bother to hold back the eye-rolling. I felt the embarrassed flush right to the tips of my hair. "Why even show up for class if you're not going to pay any attention?" he asked.

My eyes narrowed as I tried to think of a suitably witty retort. What a pompous asshole! Unfortunately, the chance for a crushingly witty response had passed; I watched it sail away sadly. I would have to get my head in the game if I was going to hold my own with this guy.

"Just save the lecture and tell me what the assignment is. I'm not going to flake on you, I've just been distracted today," I said in an aggressive tone.

His eyebrows shot up, seemingly surprised at my abrasiveness. "Okay, fine. We're giving examples of cases in which people could use each one of the Bill of Rights to defend themselves. Does that make sense, or should I call the teacher over to explain it to you better?" he said with a derisive smirk on his face.

_Oh, fuck you, buddy! _I yelled in my head. He was treating me like I was an idiot, and I just couldn't let that pass. I was an intelligent girl, and I was especially interested in politics. I wanted to run so many circles around him that he'd be too dizzy to be such a punk.

"Fine. I think I can handle that," I said huffily.

"Great. Shall we begin, then?" he replied, a look of boredom crossing his face.

"Let's," I said.

For the rest of class, we debated hotly over each of the rights.

Edward didn't like it when I took issue with the second amendment example he came up with. He'd suggested a case where a man owned a gun and used it to scare birds off his land. I snorted, and his eyes narrowed as he looked up from writing it down on the worksheet.

"Excuse me? What's your problem now?" he asked.

"That guy is obviously a tool. He's shooting at birds!" I replied, my cheeks getting hot as I warmed to my rant.

"He's 'a tool?' How eloquent you are," he said in a softly disapproving voice. I winced, completely aware that everyone I knew thought I had a horrible mouth on me.

"Whatever. Just because you're Mr. Radio Republican doesn't mean you're perfect," I sneered.

Edward looked taken aback by my rude reply, and we spent the remainder of the assignment in tense silence, only giving terse replies when completely necessary. My body language said it all: I had my arms crossed tightly across my chest, my legs shifted as far away from him as possible. I didn't look at him, and he didn't look at me.

Who knows why I couldn't control my instant dislike? All I knew was that this guy got my hackles up, and I wanted nothing more than to rip his clothes to shreds. _Wait! _Rip _him_ to shreds, not his _clothes_! Ugh. I am a fucking idiot.

I shoved my Freudian slip into the back of my mind so I could focus on hating him and everything he stood for.

Thankfully, the teacher was ready for class to end and I stood up quickly and gracelessly, shoving things back into my bag. I wanted to get away from Edward and all my unwilling fascination with him before I made a complete fool out of myself.


	3. Riot Act

**Two things I feel like I should mention here:**

**1. The views of my characters in no way reflect my personal views. I don't wish to offend anyone. I just wish to tell a story about growth and tolerance. You'll see. Hopefully you'll stick with me on this. **

**2. I updated the rating to "M" from "T" because I figured the premise lends itself to… well, hot hate sex. And let's face it: hate sex is TASTY. I hope that makes people happy. It won't be the smutfest TOFTT is… this story actually HAS a plot, and it ain't in Edward's pants… okay, well maybe a little bit. **

**More at the end of the chapter. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own this biz-nass. I just write it for fun. **

BPOV

I skipped out of class as quickly as I could. I was already late getting to Jake's house and I _hated _being late. When Mr. Allan had released us early from class, I had tried to get out of there as quickly as possible.

Unfortunately, Bella in a hurry is usually "Clumsy Bella." I dropped several things while trying to shove everything back into my ratty messenger bag, and I could feel the hot embarrassment climbing my cheeks because I knew I had an audience.

I peeked up at Edward from beneath my bangs and saw him watching with a look of sarcastic amusement on his face. I kind of wanted to slap it off, but I knew he'd probably just think it was so _funny _that I was so affected by him.

Hurrying to the door, I almost died in shame as I tripped over myself and fell onto one knee, banging my elbow against one of the desks. A pair of black wingtip shoes stepped into my vision, but I refused to look up. I just sat there for a second, wishing with all my might that a hole would open beneath me and swallow me whole.

Edward apparently didn't get the hint that I would rather die than look at him, because he crouched down and gently lifted the arm I'd banged against the desk, turning it to see if there was anything wrong with it. "Are you okay?" he asked.

I huffed and finally raised my eyes to his. I didn't know why he'd bothered to stay behind when he saw me fall, but I figured he probably just wanted to rub my face in my own clumsiness. "I'm fine," I sneered.

Edward looked slightly taken aback, and I wondered if I'd missed the mark with my assumption. He just cleared his throat and said, "Okay, then. Guess I'll see you later."

As he left the room without looking back, I felt the heat abate from my face. I wanted to forget the feel of his hands on mine _immediately_. There was just no way I would crush on "Captain Christian."

I quickly picked myself up and brushed myself off, grabbing my things and walking at a more sedate pace out to my truck. I hurriedly climbed in and drove to the supermarket so I could buy a few things to bring to Jake's house.

I shoved some Botch into the stereo and blasted it as loudly as I could stand. I wanted to get hyped for the barbeque. A bunch of our friends would be there, and I was just looking forward to having a good time.

The store was super busy due to Fourth of July coming up, so I had to shove my way through the crowd to get to the natural foods section. I grabbed a couple packages of Smart Dogs and some buns, along with some Tofutti Cuties ice cream sandwiches and a few six packs of Blue Sky pop. I loved these get-togethers because everyone always brought tons of tasty vegan food.

I paid for everything and carried my bags back to the truck. The sun was shining, but it was windy and I was happy I'd thought to bring my Fugazi hoodie. I zipped it up and took off, my truck clunking down the street until I turned off onto the highway.

I switched from Botch to OCS, one of my favorite local bands. They were huge vegan activists and their music never failed to inspire me. I cranked the volume and shouted right along with them, pounding my fist on the steering wheel and jerking my head while I bounced up and down on the seat.

There were a few cars already parked outside of Jake's house, so I parked across the street and carried my bags around the back. I knew he'd be in the backyard, manning the grill and shooting the shit with Quil and Embry, and that's exactly where I found him.

"Hey guys!" I shouted, smiling brightly.

"Hey, Bells! What's up?" Jake shouted back, setting down the spatula so he could wrap me in a big bear hug.

I groaned as he squished my mouth and gave me a big sloppy kiss. "Ew! Jacob Black! Where is your girlfriend, might I ask?" I teased, punching him lightly on the shoulder.

He just laughed and said, "Leah's in the house with Emily building the hero Sammy for the barbeque. Sam's working late, but he'll be here soon."

I waved to the other guys and walked in the sliding glass door, following my nose to the kitchen. I saw my favorite ladies laughing as they tried to build a massive sandwich.

"Hello, my sexy ladies! What's the haps?" I asked as I put the pop and Smart Dogs in the fridge. I snuck a Tofutti Cutie before I put them into the freezer.

"My lesbian loverrrrrrr! How's that stupid douche in poli sci?" Emily asked.

"Le sigh. I think he probably hates me just as much as I hate him. Too bad he's so fucking hot, you know?" I said with a fake frown.

"Maybe you could take him on a magic carpet ride and show him a whole new word," Leah said with a dirty chuckle.

"Oh my god, you are just too disgusting. Besides, using Aladdin references in a perverted manner just feels wrong," I replied, tossing my empty Cutie wrapper at her.

"I know, but I can't help it. Ezra is obsessed with that damn movie right now. I swear to God he's watched it at least ten times this weekend. Jake thinks it's great, but trust the proud papa to think his son is perfect," she harrumphed.

"Speaking of the little rugrat, where is he?" I asked, looking around for Jake and Leah's precocious three-year-old.

"Oh, he's with your dad and Billy for the day. They took him fishing. I guess they want to pass down the Black family obsession with catching slimy things." Leah shuddered and pulled a disgusted face.

"How's Jake with the idea of Ezra fishing?" I asked curiously.

"Oh, well, I dunno. It's a difficult issue because Jake feels like it goes against our morals and such, but at the same time, it's an ancient part of the Quileute history. We've tried to explain that to Ezra, but I guess we'll just see what happens," she replied.

I shrugged and walked over behind the girls to get a better view of the massive sandwich. "So, are we talkin' Veganaise? What are you using for the cheese? _Please _ don't say Veganrella. That stuff tastes like vom," I whined.

"We're only putting Veganaise on half of it cuz Sam hates too much mayo on his sandwiches. Says it makes the bread soggy. We're trying that new Teese stuff, cuz Vegan Gourmet only tastes good melted and we need it to be cold," Emily said.

"Bella, my love, will you get more of the salami from the fridge please?" Leah asked.

I nodded and washed my hands so I could help them finish preparing the food. We spent the next thirty minutes chopping, dicing, slicing, and skewering. There was a massive vegan feast laid out on the table by the time the grill was ready for the Smart Dogs and Boca burgers.

We all gathered in the backyard with plates piled high with food. The funny thing about vegans is how obsessed we all are with food. I liked to think that becoming a vegan made you a nutritionist and a foodie at the same time.

"Hey, Bells, are you gonna work the booth at the AFA fest tomorrow?" Embry asked.

"Yeah, I was hoping Emily and Leah would come too," I said as I nudged them.

"Sam wants to take me to Portland for our anniversary," Emily said with a big goofy smile on her face.

"Dude! Nom! Stock up at Food Fight, k?" Jake said. Leah laughed and slapped him on the forearm, but Jake just turned and kissed her sweetly.

I was so happy for my friends. I'd known everyone here from the time I was a baby. We'd all hung out throughout our school years.

I'd been vegan since our sophomore year in high school when I went on a tour of a slaughterhouse for a stupid school project. I was so disgusted that I went home and did tons of research before declaring my intention to go vegan to Charlie and Renee. They were confused, but supportive.

Eventually, I'd convinced all of my friends one by one. I'd invite them over and cook impressive vegan dinners and share videos and books with them. I was happy to say that everyone finally converted, and I liked to think it brought all of us closer together.

The Fourth of July weekend was a big weekend for Action for Animals because so many people grilled out with hot dogs and hamburgers. AFA volunteers would hang banners along the overpasses along the freeway and stand on corners with signs and pictures of animals in slaughterhouses.

I admired their efforts, but knew that most of the time things tended to get out of hand and I'd really rather avoid getting arrested by one of my father's own officers. Instead, my friends and I usually volunteered to work the outreach booth at local shows and events.

This year, AFA was going all out and throwing a big festival where everyone could come and listen to music, eat food from vegan vendors, and explore all the booths where people could learn more about animal rights, animal activism, and buy things that were 100% vegan and cruelty-free.

I was super stoked. This would be one event where we wouldn't have to fight with anyone or search for food that we could eat. We could just let all of the frustration and futility go and enjoy being among like-minded individuals. I sighed in bliss at the thought.

"So you said OCS is going to be playing, right?" I asked Jake.

"Shyeah! They're one of the main bands playing. I know that Earth Crisis was talking about showing up, but who knows…" Jake replied excitedly.

Embry jumped up and went over to the stereo inside to put some music on, and we started reminiscing about shows we'd worked in the past. I was most excited about the time I got to work a booth at Warped Tour, because I got to go backstage and meet one of the guys from Throwdown.

I admired his commitment to staying healthy. He worked out every day, ate healthy, and eschewed all drugs and alcohol in an effort to keep his body as pure and strong as possible. Even being straight edge and vegan, I still wasn't anywhere near as healthy and in shape as he was.

A few hours later, the sun was setting and we started cleaning up. I was completely relaxed here, with my friends. We always had a good time, with good food and great conversation. I loved my little family.

Emily and I helped Leah clean up the kitchen while the guys broke everything down in the backyard. The sounds of booming male laughter drifted through the window over the sink, and we all smiled. I truly felt like I belonged when I was here with these people.

We heard a swift knock on the front door before it opened and my father, Charlie, stepped in with a beautiful young boy. His dark skin was luminous with excited contentment and his lustrous black hair flopped in complete disorder on his small head.

Leah turned and smiled hugely, holding her arms out for her little boy. "Hey, baby! Did you have fun with Grampa Billy and Uncle Charlie?" she asked, enveloping Ezra in a big hug.

"Yeah! We went to the lake and Grampa Billy and Uncle Charlie fished while I hunted for rocks so Uncle Charlie could show me how to skip them on the water!" Ezra replied enthusiastically.

Everyone smiled indulgently at him, enjoying his infectious smiles. I went over and hugged my dad, asking him how the fishing went. I just chose to ignore the fact that my father enjoyed a pastime that I spent a lot of _my _time trying to combat.

Jake came in from the back with the other guys and everyone greeted everyone else. I took Charlie's goodbye as an opportunity to leave with him, and I followed his cruiser down the road as we drove back toward home.

The next day, I woke up and took my time showering and getting ready for the festival. I knew it was silly, but I always met at least a handful of cute guys at these things and I wanted to look my best. I chose my outfit with care and checked myself out in the mirror.

I had my hair pinned up under a red bandana, with a black-and-white checkered button down cowboy shirt. My black Dickies hugged my curves and I donned my black-and-white skull belt with the big rose belt buckle.

I threw on my Chucks and I was out the door, on my way to pick up Leah. We had a long drive ahead of us, so Leah was going to drive her car from their house because it was definitely more fuel-efficient.

When we got to the Seattle Center, where the festival was being held, we parked and made our way to the volunteer center booth set up for the day. We got our passes and found the people in charge so we could get our assignment.

The AFA booths were set up strategically all around the area for the festival, and we were assigned to the one by the main stage. I was really excited about that, because I was scheduled to work during OCS's set and this meant I wouldn't have to miss it.

The day was warm and sunny, and the smell of food filled the air. I sat with Leah and we handed out the vegan starter kits, along with stickers and buttons. We sold a couple t-shirts, but for the most part, we were able to just chill and listen to the music.

Of course, there were a lot of crappy local bands but their passion was in the right place. We laughed at a couple of them, but enjoyed most of them.

Jake came by with Ezra a short time later, but he couldn't stay long because his band would be playing soon. I snuggled Ezra and showered him with kisses while Leah did the same to Jake. I laughed when both boys wiped their faces in mock disgust.

I was sitting there showing Ezra some of the stickers when I thought I saw a familiar face pass through the crowd by the booth. I held my breath, sure my eyes were playing a trick on me.

He had a solid black baseball hat sitting low over his face, so I couldn't be sure if it was who I thought it was. The black Until the End t-shirt revealed colorful tattoos running all the way down to his wrists. His black pants hung low on his hips, held on by a studded belt with a massive belt buckle. My eyes roamed back to his face, trying to see it better under the shadow of the hat.

I couldn't be mistaken anymore when I saw him walk up to my friend and greet him like they knew each other well.

"Jake, man! What's up? Are you playing today?" he asked.

"Hey, Tony! What's up? Yeah, I'm playing. Everyone's really stoked for your set," Jake replied, clapping his hand on Tony's back.

Tony laughed. "Well, we'll see…" he said modestly. My ears burned. What the hell was going on? How did Jake know him?

Finally, Jake turned back to Leah and me and introduced us. "Leah, Bella, this is Anthony Masen. He's the lead singer for OCS."

_Anthony Masen, eh? _My mouth was hanging open in shock as I tried to process this unbelievably confusing piece of information.

Why was I so confused?

Because Anthony Masen, the lead singer of my all-time favorite vegan activist band, was none other than the guy who'd been the subject of my absolute disgust and frustration the past month.

Edward Freaking Cullen.

**Notes on this Chapter:**

**Vegans talk about food A LOT. I mean a lot. It's all about which brands are the best, and where you like to go eat, and the "did you know this was vegan?" conversations. I hope I didn't lose too many people with all the brands I threw out there, so just in case… here's a little "glossary" for this chapter, okay? **

**Smart Dogs- vegan hot dogs. My personal favorite, but most people dig on Tofu Pups. Who knows. **

**Tofutti Cuties- delicious vegan ice cream sandwiches. My favorite is the mint chocolate chip. Dig it.**

**Blue Sky- delicious organic pop ("soda" for those of you not in a northwestern state)**

**Teese/Veganrella/Vegan Gourmet- vegan cheese. None of it is very satisfying, but it beats a dry pizza/lasagna, right?**

**Veganaise- vegan mayo. Yeah. What? I blame people who like mayo. Gross. **

**Boca burgers- this should be relatively self-explanatory, my pretties. **

**AFA- Action for Animals, a Seattle-based organization that is all for animal rights. **

**I don't own rights to any of the bands, food brands, clothing brands, or other proper nouns mentioned in this fictional story. **


	4. Freedom of Speech

**A/N: My beta is betta than yours! Hah! I made a funny! (Thank _you_, Adrena, for being so patient with my stupid writers block!) HEY! EXCLAMATION POINTS! LOTS OF THEM!!!!**

**Okay, so I'm a nerd. Please love me anyway. Sniffle. Hey, get thee to my profile and check out the two new one-shots I wrote for the Steamy Movie Crossover Contest, pretty please? **

**Dicksclaimer: I don't own Twilight, but Robert Pattinson's music makes me wanna cry cuz it's so sad and beautiful. I srsly love that voice. **

BPOV

I was pissed. My mouth was glued shut in fury as I sat and watched Jake and Leah talk with Edward like he was some sort of demi-god.

Little did they know what a fucking elaborate joke he was playing. There was absolutely no way that Edward Cullen, asshole extraordinaire, could possibly be one and the same as Anthony Masen, lead singer of OCS.

I didn't even think a vegan activist would _want_ to be Republican! I mean, they openly support gun laws and put on barbecues to support their little pro-life foundations. How could a conservative viewpoint mix well with such a liberal agenda?

Sure, I'd known a couple vegan Christians...but they weren't anywhere near as devout as Edward. My mind just wanted to explode at the idea of him being these two people at the same time.

I wanted to get him alone so I could confront him. I wanted to know the truth. I needed to know if he thought all of this was just some great, big joke.

Because if he did, then my heart would break and I would be forced to separate myself from the very band that had been responsible for so much of my life as a vegan in the past few years.

I thought back to the time we had to work together, and how he scoffed at my beliefs. I wondered now what he truly did believe, and what impact that would have on me... because him being the lead singer of my favorite band potentially ruined some really great things that had come from his music.

The first time I'd heard OCS, I devoured the lyrics, feeling a connection to Anthony Masen and his words. I'd been completely fired up, inspired to get _take action_ and _fight_ for animal rights- all things that Anthony Masen sung about in his songs.

How could someone like Edward Cullen be the same person as Anthony Masen? How could two people so different from one another fit in the same body?

And how could I get past this disappointment? I know it was silly, but I'd always secretly wished I could meet Anthony Masen and be his friend. His philosophy of life always resonated with me, and I'd always had a bit of a crush on him.

I'd never seen them in concert because they played undisclosed locations on the spur of the moment, rather than booking shows that were set well in advance. One thing or another always came up whenever I wanted to see them play.

OCS was like the very heart of my vegan life. So many great times with my friends had been lived while listening to OCS, screaming along at the top of our lungs.

I tried to catch his eye so I could get him away from my friends. I fully intended to give him a piece of my mind, and I didn't want to wait another moment.

I was out of luck, however, because Edward said he had to get back to the stage for their set. I watched him go, the anger inside of me building as he left without even acknowledging me.

My head was full of steam. I stood up to chase after him, but Vegan Dave came up to the booth and started talking about the objectives for the volunteers working today. I nodded my head whenever it was expected of me, but my mind was still stuck on Edward-slash-Anthony.

OCS's set was about to begin, and our replacements came to relieve us from the booth so Leah and I could go watch them play. Ezra had been picked up the hour before by Leah's mother, so we didn't have to worry about hurting his little ears with the loud music.

We made our way through the crowd, hoping to get as close to the front as possible. I wasn't sure why I didn't tell Leah about Edward being a two-faced liar, but I managed to keep my mouth shut. I guess I just wanted to know what was actually going on before I told my friends.

We got to the stage and I kept a lookout for Edward. I watched as he and the rest of the band took the stage for their first-ever planned performance.

The drummer was big and beefy with brown hair and dimples. He had tattoos covering most of his nude chest, and his black Dickies shorts were slung low on his hips. Maybe I should rethink my position on burly dudes... I'd always been one for the lanky ones.

Edward walked forward with a lean blonde guy. Neither of them wore their shirts, and I gaped at all the tattoos covering them. I strained my eyes to see Edward's better, and I was amazed. He had full sleeves on each arm and a back piece that covered his entire back from his shoulders down to his shorts. On his left arm, animals were writhing in pain; on the opposite arm, they were smiling and happy. The back piece was complicated and detailed, and I had a hard time understanding everything going on, but one thing was clear: a woman's face in the center. I wondered who she was and what she meant to him.

I tore my eyes away from him to look over the blonde guy. He had less ink than Edward and the drummer, but he had a half sleeve I couldn't decipher and a big tattoo running down his spine that said "Alice."

Tattoos with people's names were never a good idea, so I sincerely hoped he had a contingency plan for covering it up if it wasn't his daughter or something.

Edward introduced the band and thanked everyone for coming before they began their set. I tried desperately to separate my anger from my love of this band, but I wasn't sure I could do it.

They began to play and I was bowled over by the sight of Edward-Christian-Tool-Motherfucking-Hypocrite-ASSHOLE-Cullen's transformation. He stood before the huge crowd with the mic, his fist punching the air to the drum beat as he waited to start singing.

I knew this song, and I wanted to sing along but I didn't feel right. I wanted to yell up into his face, telling him what a fucking asshole he was for ruining my first time seeing my favorite band live.

It didn't matter that _he _ was at the center of that band, or that he looked exactly the way I'd always imagined my sex dream/idol Anthony Masen would look.

My jaw dropped when I heard him growl into the microphone for the first time. He looked so intense, so focused. The sight of Edward as Anthony Masen brought out the most primal animal attraction against my will. I felt sweat pop out on my forehead as I imagined all that intensity focused on something else... like me.

I shook off that errant thought with irritation and reminded myself that I hated him. Just then, a screen came down behind the band as the drummer pounded melodically and Edward shouted the lyrics to my favorite song. On the screen, a video of tortured and abused animals being liberated from factory farms by AFA volunteers played. I averted my eyes, not able to stand the sight.

"_This is our right_

_as humans to save_

_the light in the eyes_

_of these innocents. _

_We are bound to this world_

_to make this earth safe_

_for all living creatures_

_We are bigger_

_not better!_

_We are bigger_

_not better!_

_Pain_

_in the eyes of the innocent_

_Pain_

_in the heart of the victim_

_Indifference_

_in the eyes of the oppressor_

_Indifference_

_in the heart of the ignorant!" _

I gave in, shouting the lyrics at the top of my lungs as Edward worked the stage and engaged the crowd. I watched in awe at this ridiculous vision of Mr. Conservative covered in ink and singing about pain and exploitation of animals; it just didn't compute.

Their set went on for another thirty minutes, and I stayed until the end with my arms up on the stage. My eyes never left Edward, but he never looked at me. I felt a sense of loss and confusion seep into my bones. I wanted Anthony Masen to be who I'd always thought he was, but I now knew that could never be the case.

It looked like I'd have to say goodbye to my foolishly immature dream that a guy I'd never met could be my soul mate, because this guy definitely wasn't it.

But even through my anger and disappointment, I could still see that he was a talented musician. I just wouldn't ever be able to feel the same way about his music anymore.

I decided to leave the stage after they were done, deciding that I should get over the disappointment and sadness before I confronted him.

I just wanted to go home and punch a wall or something. I didn't want to give in to my anger, though, so I shrugged my shoulders to release the tension built up in them and fixed a fake smile on my face for Leah's benefit.

We spent the next four hours stuffing our faces and wandering from booth to booth looking at all the offerings. I bought an Herbivore t-shirt and some really awesome boots at the Alternative Outfitters booth.

When it was time to leave, I felt a lot better about the day. Leah and I climbed into her car, and her stereo blared OCS as soon as she turned it on. I felt my happiness plummet once more.

I reached out to switch it off, telling Leah that I had a headache and wanted to ride home in silence. She looked at me with sympathy and we spent the rest of the drive talking about how awesome the festival had been.

I spent the next week clearing out all evidence of my obsession with OCS while I planned what I would say to Edward Cullen when I finally got the chance.

Saturday dawned bright and sunny, the complete opposite of my mood. I blasted Thrice while I got ready for school, feeling moody. The last thing I wanted to do was sit through an entire poli sci class while I waited to confront Edward about his identity crisis.

I drove to school on autopilot, my thoughts lost in my head as I pulled into the parking lot. My eyes searched for his car, but I didn't see it. I stomped into the school and hurried to the classroom, hoping that he'd be there so we could have it out before class, but he wasn't there.

He didn't show up until class started, and he sat on the other side of the classroom. I cast him a fuming glare, but he just looked back at me blankly as if he had no clue why I'd be pissed off at him.

Professor Allan began class and handed out the homework from last week. I watched openly as he handed Edward his homework and stood there, shooting the shit with him. I felt my irritation flame out of control as I wondered if Edward got better grades for being so buddy-buddy with the teacher.

I looked down at my paper and groaned when I saw my grade; getting a C wasn't my idea of a good grade. I again wondered if I'd been graded down simply because the professor didn't agree with my views.

I held my anger close to my chest as class dragged on. When the teacher released us, I jumped up and followed Edward's rapidly retreating form from the room. I reached out and gripped the back of one of his shirt sleeves, yanking on it to spin him around.

Edward's brows were low over his eyes as I turned him around. I looked up at him, allowing my anger to show. "I think you have some explaining to do!" I hissed at him.

"On the contrary, Isabella. I can't imagine anything that would be any of your business," he said in a smooth voice.

Oh, _hell _no. He wasn't going to get out of this. No way, no how. I still had a hold on his shirt sleeve, so I dragged him into the dark empty classroom to my left. I switched on the lights and shut the door before staring him down.

"Who the hell are you?" I said angrily.

"I'm Edward Anthony Masen Cullen," he replied, looking bored.

"Your name doesn't tell me who you are!" I exclaimed, getting frustrated.

"Why do you even care?" he asked, hardly looking at me.

"Because up until last weekend, you were this annoying conservative asshole in my political science class. Then you showed up at Animal Fest as the fuckin' lead singer of OCS!" I ground out, my hands clenching into fists at my sides.

"So?" he asked, his eyes latching onto the large clock on the wall. "Can we hurry this up, please? I have somewhere to be."

"So? So! OCS is a liberal vegan animal-rights band. How can you be both people? How can you write such intense, heartfelt lyrics about animal cruelty and then turn around and spout off the shit you do in class and on your radio show?" I yelled.

His eyes finally met mine. "Please keep your voice down," he said.

"Fuck, no. Don't you tell me what to do!" I said angrily.

"Whatever. I'm not going to get into this with you," he said, a note of irritation in his voice.

"Why are you such an asshole? I thought you'd be different," I said to him, trying to ignore the note of misery in my voice.

"Different how? I am who I am. I'm a vegan, but that doesn't mean I'm a liberal. I can be both, you know," he said indifferently, returning his eyes to the clock.

"Anthony Masen would _never_ conform to the same beliefs you do!" I said, being irrational now.

Edward snorted derisively. "Well, Anthony Masen had to grow the fuck up, now didn't he? Life isn't always about fighting...sometimes it's just about accepting," he said as he flicked me a dismissive look and crossed to the door, unlocking it. "I'll see you next week."

"Argh!" I yelled after his retreating back, slapping the wall in my frustration. I wanted to slap that smug fucking look off his face, instead.

**A/N: And so the shit hitteth the fanneth. What do you think is gonna happen next? ;) -HIE**


	5. Monarchy

**A/N: Sorry for the delay, my lovely readers. I know this story hasn't really caught on, but I'm hoping it will. I wanted to do something different, and I hope that this is something different enough to interest readers. **

**Thank you to my beautiful beta, Adrena. Your encouragement keeps me plugging away;) **

**This chapter is all in Edward's point of view, and it is very introspective. You'll see more interaction with his friends later, and the reasons behind his double life will be explained. Keep tuned! **

EPOV

Oh, the outrage. The seething anger. I hated it when people judged me, but Bella's reaction to my secret seemed to be a thousand times more grating than anybody else's before her.

Why? Who knew. All _I_ knew was that I wanted to punch a fucking wall and let the pain take my thoughts away from that look of ridiculous disappointment on her face as she confronted me in that empty classroom.

Didn't anybody ever tell her that life wasn't fair? Did she still believe in Santa Claus, too? Maybe she'd never had to go through the kinds of things most of us did, so her youthful optimism was still intact. Perhaps she just expected things to always go the way she wanted them to. I scoffed inside my head, thinking it must be nice to live in such blissful ignorance.

She thought she'd hidden her hope that I must be just like her, but I could see it from a mile away. I could only assume, based on her friends' reactions to introducing us and the way she stood up against the stage during my band's performance, that she was a pretty big fan of OCS.

She'd obviously wanted to believe that I was going to come out and say that Edward Cullen, Conservative Christian, was all just a big joke that she could laugh about with me.

But that just wasn't how it was. For years now, I'd been an insanely confusing mix between Edward Cullen and Anthony Masen. It felt as if I had two complete people inside of my body.

When she'd torn into me after class on Saturday, I'd watched the emotions play across her openly expressive face; by the time I left, I'd felt like we were five years old and I'd smashed her doll house.

It was times like these that I wondered why I even bothered with the multiple personalities; I just couldn't please anyone, least of all myself. It seemed I was always disappointing people, letting them down...I could never be exactly what they wanted from me.

But what was I supposed to do? When my mother died, my entire world exploded. The rug was ripped out from beneath me, and all of the things I'd been in the process of figuring out about who I was and what I wanted to be were completely halted.

So here I was, three years later, with a stunted sense of self that continuously warred with the expectations of those around me. All I'd ever wanted was to be happy, and to follow my dreams...and now all I wanted was to feel like there was one entity inside of me, one unified identity that didn't require two separate names.

Because I was Edward Cullen, the upright conservative who had a strong faith in God and a strong sense of right and wrong...and then there was Anthony Masen, the passionate animal rights activist who also had a strong sense of right and wrong. I couldn't really say who I was deep inside, because these two people were equally dominant.

I threw my books down on my bed and quickly loosened the tie hanging around my neck like a noose. It was Wednesday, and that meant my father, Carlisle, would be at the hospital doing rounds until tomorrow morning.

In other words, Wednesdays were my band practice days.

I threw my white button-down shirt on my bedroom floor and dropped trou so I could shower before I had to leave. I stalked to the bathroom connected to my bedroom, only stopping in front of the mirror to check the healing on my newest tattoo. The quote from Elie Weisel ran the expanse of skin directly beneath my collarbone, reading "to remain silent and indifferent is the greatest sin of all."

The words had so many different meanings for me, but today they made me feel like a hypocrite because I'd walked out on Bella with the appearance of indifference to her feelings. Her anger and confusion had affected me, whether I wanted to admit it or not.

But damn if that chick wasn't a basket case full of fucking bullshit! She was so judgmental and close-minded, it was completely amazing. She obviously had a huge need to change people's minds about veganism and animal rights, but her way was entirely too confrontational. She didn't even seem to give people who weren't like her a chance, and that grated me on many levels.

She sat there in class every week, spouting bullshit about her liberal politics, but in the end, she was just as close-minded as anybody else. She was a huge hypocrite, and I'd gotten in enough debates with her to know by now what a bitch she could really be when she was riled.

I realized I was wasting a shitload of time mentally griping about some dumb girl when I should be getting ready for band practice, so I turned on the shower and shook the rest of those thoughts away. I stepped in when the water was warm enough and hissed when it hit my new tattoo, the heat making it feel like a bad sunburn. I hurried through my shower routine and went to get dressed.

The clothes I wore when I was Anthony Masen were entirely different from the clothes I wore as Edward Cullen; for instance, today I'd gone to class in a white button-down shirt with a green tie and brown slacks. My shoes were always shined to perfection, and they always matched my belts because Carlisle would have nothing less than immaculate perfection when it came to my appearance.

As I was headed to hang out with the guys, I could now be in Anthony's wardrobe, consisting of mainly black band t-shirts and black or blue Dickies, with Chucks, Vans, or Vision Streetwear high tops. I almost always wore a hat in the attempt to hide my unique reddish hair, on the off chance that I might run into someone who knew Carlisle.

I pulled on the dark Army-green cap and adjusted it to sit low over my face. After throwing on my belt with the massive silver cow head on it, I grabbed my keys and headed out the door to Emmett's house.

On the drive, I pounded my fist on the steering wheel, shouting along with Earth Crisis. The music was getting me pumped for band practice, and I found myself trying to pull up the anger from my encounter with Bella to fuel the fire starting to burn inside. It always helped the music if I was amped when we played.

I couldn't stand people who assumed the world owed them something, especially not when they started looking to me to fulfill their needs. After all, I had plenty of my own needs that were already neglected in the face of my father's demands on me.

I sped toward Emmett's, feeling pumped and primed for my only outlet- my music. If I could pinpoint one central point of my identity, both as Edward and as Anthony, it had to be the music. The feel of bringing my words to life, watching the crowds go wild as I poured all the emotion and passion into my songs, was enough to keep me from turning my back on it, no matter what Carlisle wanted from me.

I grimaced, feeling that familiar guilt climb up inside of me. I tried to remind myself of how things had been before my mom died, when my father had been happy and in love. Times were different then; he'd been confused but also grudgingly okay with the choices I'd started to make in my late teens.

Now all that was left of the man I used to have so much fun with was an angry, bitter shell. He spent most of his time working his hands to the bone or putting on a good show for his cronies from the hospital. If he wasn't cutting someone open, he was playing golf with his buddies and pretending that his world was perfectly controlled, including his son.

The old Carlisle hated golf; he'd said it was a past time for old windbag doctors who had nothing better to do but waste tons of time and money on a sport that was about as exciting as getting a root canal.

The new Carlisle could play golf with the best of them, and I never once spoke up to remind him of his old stance on the subject, because at least it meant he got out of the house for awhile.

I reigned in the depressing thoughts as I pulled up in front of Emmett's house and climbed out, my fingers itching to grip my guitar. We were working on some new songs, and I had a feeling that this next album would be one of our best.

We'd always hung back when it came to our music, at least on the publicity front, because none of us were anxious to put the band above everything else we had going in our lives. Jasper had his fiancée Alice to think about, and Emmett was a newlywed.

As for me, I just couldn't go and leave my dad here alone. The man may be bitter and angry, but he was still my father and I loved him.

I knocked on the front door and felt the excitement I always felt when I was about to play music. Emmett threw the door open with a big shit-eating grin. "Hey, man! What's up?" he asked as he pounded me on the back enthusiastically.

I smiled wryly at him. "Not much, bro. Is Jazz already here?" I asked.

"Yeah, he's just out back. The garage is fuckin' hot today, so we had to kick on the window AC unit," he replied and I nodded.

I was headed out the back door to the garage when I heard Emmett's wife, Rose, yelling for him. His smile spread and a certain glint began to shine in his eyes; I groaned, knowing _exactly_ what that look meant.

"Hey man, I've gotta go help the wife real quick. I'll be out in a minute, k?" he said.

I groaned but waved him off, knowing that he'd be much longer than "a minute." What could I do, anyway? They were newlyweds. I didn't understand it, but maybe that's just because I've only ever had sex one time and it was completely awkward and too embarrassing to even dwell on.

I guess that's what you get when you lose your virginity to a girl at Christian Camp in the ninth grade, though.

I shook my head and found Jasper in the garage, tuning his bass. He looked up when I entered and laughed. "Emmett and Rose at it again?" he joked.

"Ugh. Yeah, probably. Those two are like rabbits." I said with a shudder.

"Whatever, man. One day soon it'll be me, and I know _I_ won't be complaining," he replied with a wistful grin.

I decided to change the subject. "So, how is Alice, anyway? I didn't see her at the show last weekend," I said.

He looked up from strumming the strings. "She was there, and she said she even looked for you, but nobody saw you," he said, looking at me with curiosity.

"Oh no, a new girl in her church group?" I guessed, thinking about how much Alice liked to try and set me up with every available girl she met.

He scoffed. "Yeah, probably," he conceded.

I shrugged and walked over to pick up my guitar, admiring the way it gleamed in the overhead lights of the garage. I had to leave my band equipment here because I didn't want to get into it with Carlisle every time he saw the evidence of my other life.

We jammed for a little while, talking about the new songs and enjoying the cool air coming from the AC. Being July in Washington, the weather was muggy and stifling, so the cold air pumping from the AC unit was welcome.

Twenty minutes later, Emmett came bounding into the garage with messy hair and a fat grin threatening to break his face apart. "You guys ready to ROCK?!" he yelled, holding up his metal hands.

Jasper rolled his eyes and flipped him off as he stood up, ready to play. The drums began to pound and Jasper's bass line ripped through the small garage. I felt the blood pumping in my veins as I joined in on my guitar before shouting out the first verse of the song.

Band practice was the highlight of my week, and it went a long way in taking my mind off all the shit that had been swirling around inside my head. We played for three hours, working and reworking the new songs until we started feeling more confident about them.

After we were done practicing, we gathered in the kitchen, all sweaty, worn out, and exhilarated. Rosalie had cooked dinner, and we dug into the field roast with gusto. The salty, savory flavor of the roast was accompanied by Rosalie's famous maple-brown sugar Brussels sprouts. After dinner, I probably ate my weight in vegan pumpkin cheesecake, but I didn't care. I'd just work it off at the breast cancer marathon on Friday.

We all hung out for awhile after we stuffed our faces, watching movies and ribbing each other. I never mentioned the situation with Bella Swan because I didn't think they needed to know. After all, none of them understood why I wasn't able to reconcile the two sides of my life like they were.

The guys never had to question who they were; they just _knew_. It was never about being a vegan activist versus being a conservative Christian...it was all about being both.

Unfortunately, I could never figure out how to find that same balance they did, because they didn't have the same conflicts within their families. Jasper's family had raised him as a vegetarian, while Emmett's mom had recently taken the plunge into veganism after watching Earthlings with us.

I wondered why I was being so melancholy and nostalgic tonight, and it angered me to feel the old bitterness seeping in. I'd grown up a lot since my mother died, and I knew more about the reality of adulthood than I had when I was an angry, depressed teenager.

I decided to take a drive before I headed home, so I said my goodbyes and fielded Rose's concerned looks and hugs. Women were like that; always seeing past your bullshit to the truth beneath the facade. I loved Rose, but we weren't close enough for me to get into all of this with her.

As I climbed into my car and headed toward the waterfront, I considered the situation. Bella Swan had made me feel like crap, but that didn't have to mean anything. I was still stuck in the same situation as I had always been. I'd managed to keep myself afloat, never dropping below the surface of things to truly _think_ about why I did the things I did.

The waterfront was quiet and deserted, and I found a lonely piece of driftwood to sit on while I stared out at the endless expanse of water. I could have put my earphones in and listened to music, but I preferred the silence that made my solitude complete.

I sat there, huddled into my black Dickies coat with the hood on my sweatshirt up over my head to ward off the wind coming from the water. The sound of the ocean crashing against the rocks a few feet in front of me soothed the anger inside of me, but the sadness that always threatened was there, just waiting.

In the three years since my mother's death from breast cancer, I'd lost so much of the person I was becoming. It was up to me not to rock the boat, and that meant growing the fuck up.

After about an hour of brooding on the waterfront, I decided to head home and get some sleep. I had to spend the day tomorrow preparing for my radio show at the school, and I wasn't ready for it at all.

On the drive home, I played along with my mood and listened to Bon Iver and Sunny Day Real Estate. The pensive mood of the music enveloped me, making me feel even more isolated. I thought of my mom...her beautiful smile, her voice as she sang while she baked my father and me cookies, and all of the other tiny things that make me ache so much, like the way she could cook pancakes in the shape of Mickey Mouse's head.

I let a few tears loose before I gripped the steering wheel until my knuckles turned white and clamped my jaw, effectively stemming the flow. I hadn't cried over my mom's death in a couple years, and it always made me feel weak and helpless whenever I did.

I pulled up in front of my house and frowned when I saw Carlisle's sleek black Mercedes parked in its usual spot. The lights in the living room were on, so that meant he was really here. I climbed out of my car and headed inside, bracing myself for the inevitable tense exchange.

"Hey, Dad, I'm home," I called when I entered the house, locking the door behind me.

I heard the chair in his study creek, so I headed in that direction. I turned the lights off in the living room as I passed it and continued down the hallway until I reached the door to his study.

Behind the desk, Carlisle sat with a heavy medical text in one hand and a half-empty glass of scotch in the other. The light from his reading lamp glinted off his reading glasses and highlighted the gray hair at his temples.

I rapped my knuckles on the door frame and waited for him to look up. When he did, he smiled and set his glass down. "Edward, did you just get in?" he asked, glancing at the clock.

"Yeah, I was just hanging out with Em and Jasper," I replied, my shoulders hunching a bit as I shoved my hands into the pockets on my hoodie. Carlisle nodded and gestured to the seat in front of his desk, so I walked over and sat down.

"Don't you usually work on Wednesday nights?" I inquired, wondering why he was here.

"Yes, but Dr. Frisk wanted to change shifts, so here I am. How's school? Is Allan treating you right?" he asked as he placed his bookmark in the book before setting it down next to the glass of scotch. My eyes roved to the decanter at his elbow, surreptitiously trying to discern how much alcohol was missing since the last time he'd had some.

It looked like he'd only had this one glass, so I felt myself relax a bit. I kept waiting for my father to turn into an alcoholic like his father before him after my mother's death, but Carlisle seemed to be a responsible drinker thus far.

"Yeah, Allan's fine. He talked to me about helping him on this school-sponsored trip to Washington D.C. following this semester," I said, knowing he would encourage me to go and also knowing that I would say yes.

"That sounds like fun. You should go, don't you think?" he asked, his eyes brightening slightly. "It would look fantastic on your college applications."

Ah, and there we go. I tamped down the automatic resentment that welled up inside of me when he mentioned college applications; I'd been at an ivy league university before, and it was the _last_ place I wanted to be ever again.

I just nodded my head and said, "Yeah, I guess," as noncommittally as I possibly could.

We sat there in awkward silence for a moment. He broke first, asking, "So Emmett and Jasper...those are your, um, band mates, right?" His face looked distinctly uncomfortable.

"Yeah... they also go to church with us. Emmett plays the drums for the worship band and Jasper helps with the set up and break down every Sunday," I told him, hoping that would make a difference in his opinion of them.

No such luck. His mouth turned down at the corners and his eyebrows drooped as he recalled their faces. "Those guys? I don't know if they're such good people for you to be hanging around with, Edward."

I bit back the bitterness and schooled my face into a bland expression. "And why not?" I asked.

"Edward, watch the tone," he warned. I fought the urge to grimace. "You're going places, and those guys obviously aren't. They look like hoodlums with all those tattoos and I know for a fact that the drummer guy never even finished high school!"

I sighed. "Dad, they're good guys. You don't even _know_ them!" I gripped the armrests on the chair, my knuckles white as I tried to control the anger rising up inside my chest.

"I don't have to know them to know their _type_, son. You're better than they are, and you'll see that soon enough when you get accepted back into Stanford," he replied, his tone adamant and final.

"Unbelievable!" I exclaimed through clenched teeth. My hands were beginning to hurt where the edges of the wooden armrests were cutting into the flesh.

"Edward, I'm not going to discuss this any further. You know how I feel about your band, and now you know how I feel about these people you're running with. Case closed," he replied. Without giving me another look, he lifted his book and opened it back to the place he'd left off.

I shook with the impotent frustration and got up, walking to the door. Before I left, I turned and looked at him one last time.

He sat in a pool of dim light, casting a circle around him. The effect of the lamp's light made him look alone and lonely, and the old familiar pain drifted back up into my heart as I watched him reading with the frown still on his face.

I left quietly, closing the door behind me. I loved my father, I really did; he was the only family I had left in this world, and he used to be my best friend. It was that which kept me going whenever we had arguments like this one.

I'd given up so much to please him since my mother's passing, and I'd always thought that it would be enough to keep us together.

When I got to my bedroom, I threw my clothes on the floor and walked to the bathroom to brush my teeth. My eyes stayed glued to my face in the mirror, refusing to look down at the new tattoo that challenged me to _speak up_ and change things.

After I was done getting ready for bed, I walked back to my bed and climbed in naked. I grabbed the remote for my stereo and turned some music on while I laid there trying to calm the frustration still zinging through my veins.

Yes, I was a master at keeping my head afloat in this business of having two identities. So many people got what they wanted from me without ever knowing what it cost me to make them happy. I just went along, floating...floating...floating.

The only difference was now, I felt like I was drowning.


	6. I Plead the Fifth

**A/N: I know that some of you are upset with Carlisle, so I hope this chapter sheds some more light on his situation. Also, Bella's revealed a bit more, as well. **

CPOV

I walked into the church and instantly felt a shard of anguish stab me in the gut. I located the pew that my wife had always insisted we sit in every Sunday...it wasn't hard to remember which pew it was because I could see Edward's initials in the back of the pew in front of ours; he'd carved them there one Sunday about eleven years ago.

I sat down in the empty church and looked around me, absorbing the silence. Elizabeth had always loved coming to church, not just every Sunday, but for any functions the church put on. She'd been on various committees, always willing and able to pour all of her heart and soul into the needs of others.

That was just the kind of woman she was.

Now my beautiful Elizabeth was lying in a coffin behind the church, never to sing another hymn or share her boundless love with the rest of us.

I pulled an old picture out of my jacket pocket. My eyes scanned the three happy faces in the photo; it was taken a year before she'd passed away from breast cancer. Her smile was bright and her eyes were full of joy. She stood between Edward and myself, and she had one arm slung around each of us. My own arms were wrapped tightly around her waist, hugging her to me. I wasn't looking at the camera when the picture was taken; my smile was all for the love of my life.

My eyes fell on Edward's face next. His eyes were happy and his grin made me smile. Edward used to be so happy and full of life, but lately he'd been so withdrawn and angry. I knew that my own anger and depression hadn't helped him at all, but I just couldn't seem to get passed my own emotions to reach out to him.

I was going to lose my son if I couldn't pull it together and help him heal.

The same bitter tears that I'd cried since hearing Elizabeth's death sentence three and a half years ago began streaming down my face. I buried my head in my hands, still clutching the picture as I wept for the terrible loss that had torn my family apart.

I'd met Elizabeth in our junior year of college; she'd been so fresh and young, so full of joy and wonder for life. I was the serious, studious pre-med student with no time for fun. Elizabeth had taken one look at me and decided to make me her project, and that was the beginning of everything.

She stood by my side all through the grueling hours of medical school and internship, and she never once complained about the things I couldn't give her in those first years of our marriage. When Edward was born, she took to motherhood like a duck to water.

I'd been the one who struggled to connect with my son between long hours at the hospital and the desperate need I felt for alone time with my wife whenever I was at home. Edward was just like his mother, however; he took one look at me the first time I held him after birth and there was no question that he was determined to love me, even through all the shortcomings I feared as a father.

I'd been given so many chances to be a good father to Edward, and I'd done a pretty good job up until a few years ago. He was always so patient and understanding with me, even if I missed an important sporting event or school function for work...

But now, I was losing him. And I didn't know how to get him back.

The tears came stronger now as I thought of the last conversation I'd had with him. He was so sullen and he seemed torn between so many things. I knew he'd been hanging out with a couple younger guys from our church, but I didn't think they were very good influences on him. The Emmett kid had married a girl who wasn't very committed to the Christian path, and he'd barely even attended high school before dropping out to become a mechanic. The blond kid, Jasper, was covered in tattoos and his only interest in life seemed to be chasing Alice Brandon's skirt.

I wanted to see Edward succeed; he had _so_ much promise buried deep inside. I knew he could be great... a great doctor, lawyer, or politician. He would make his mother and I so proud if he'd only just apply himself to a path with the same passion he seemed to show for that waste of time he called a band.

"Doctor Cullen?" I heard a soft voice ask from behind me. I hastily wiped at my tears and cleared my throat before turning around to see Esme Smith standing there with a concerned look on her face. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to intrude," she said worriedly.

"Oh, it's okay, really. I needed the distraction," I said with an encouraging smile.

Esme Smith was the widow of our pastor who'd died two years ago. I wondered how well she dealt with her loss, and I imagined she must have gotten through it because she wasn't angry like I was. I motioned for her to come sit down, and she did so tentatively while keeping eye contact with me.

"Are you...okay?" she questioned with a concerned look on her face.

I felt the tears threaten again. "I don't think so," I replied in a broken voice. I saw her eyes drop to the picture in my hand.

"Elizabeth was a wonderful woman, Doctor," she said quietly. She laid a hand on my shoulder, and I felt instantly comforted and safe.

"Yes, she was," I said wistfully.

"You must miss her terribly," she whispered.

"Every day," I whispered back as the tears began to drip once more. "Do you ever miss Tom?" I asked.

"Every day," she echoed sadly. We sat there in silence for awhile, thinking of our loved ones who were now dead and gone.

Finally, she turned back to me and smiled encouragingly. "May I?" she asked, gesturing to the picture. I nodded and handed it to her, and watched as she stroked her fingers over the happy faces. "Edward is such a handsome boy," she said kindly.

"Thank you. I can't really take the credit for it, though; he takes after his mother so much it's scary," I replied, my mind drifting back to the disappointing turn in my relationship with my son.

"How's he been dealing with Elizabeth's death?" she asked.

I sighed and clasped my hands in my lap as if I was about to pray. "He's been so withdrawn and angry, but I can't exactly blame him because I've been the same way," I answered honestly.

Her forehead creased in concern as she patted my shoulder lightly. "Losing someone you both loved so much is an agonizing blow; it's going to take some time to recover," she said encouragingly.

"The thing is...I just feel like I've failed her," I replied brokenly as I began to cry in earnest.

I felt Esme's slender arms wrap around my shoulders, bringing me closer to her warm comfort. "Oh, Carlisle. Why do you think that?" she asked.

"When Elizabeth died, I began worrying about losing Edward too. I've been clinging to him so tightly that I'm afraid it's actually pushing him _away_," I admitted. I felt the truth of the words stabbing me in the chest, causing an eruption of unbearable pain.

"Would you like to talk about it?" she asked consolingly.

I pulled back and wiped my face once more, taking a deep breath to calm myself. "Well, I just honestly don't know what to do anymore. Around the time Elizabeth was diagnosed with the breast cancer, Edward had just started college. He was away from home for the first time, and he was beginning to branch out and stretch his wings. After Elizabeth died, I guess I was afraid that he would continue to stretch those wings and fly away without looking back."

She nodded in understanding and reached down to grasp my hand between hers. I felt that same warm comfort drift through my body and settle over the pain in my heart, soothing it just a tiny bit. "And now you're afraid you're holding on too tightly and it's going to push him away," she stated.

I sighed, happy she understood. "Exactly."

"May I give you a simple piece of advice?" she asked me. I nodded. "Talk to him. Tell him what you just told me."

I shook my head. "He's so stubborn, you know? I don't know if he can understand this without knowing what it's like to be a parent. What if I can't fix this?" I said, voicing my deepest fear.

"Well, you've got to try, Carlisle. That's the only thing you can do," she replied with another comforting smile.

BPOV

I walked into the house and called out "I'm home!" I threw my backpack by the coat tree and shoved off my shoes before padding into the kitchen, looking around for my mother. The house was silent, but both her and my father's cars were parked in the driveway.

A disgusting thought occurred to me, and I shuddered. I hightailed it to my bedroom and found my iPod, prepared to plug my ears in case any grotesque noises started coming through the paper thin walls.

I could hear their voices, but it sounded like they were just talking, so I laid my iPod down and found the book I'd been reading. I was settling into the pillows on my bed to get comfortable when I heard my mom suddenly start shouting.

"That's just it, Charlie! You _never_ understood why I didn't want to live here!" I heard Renee shouting.

I sat up, my ears pricked for his response, but his voice was too quiet. I heard her again, this time yelling, "No! Stop trying to talk me out of it! I said I've had enough!"

Dread settled into my stomach as I listened to my parents fighting; I'd never heard them fight like this before. My mother was always so cheerful and silly, fun-loving and light. Charlie was always quiet and reserved, preferring to keep to himself. I'd always wondered how the two of them came to be, and now I wondered how the two of them would continue on.

"I said I want a divorce! A divorce, Charlie! Surely you can get that through that stubborn head of yours!" she shouted.

I felt pain stab my stomach at her words. A divorce? My parents had been married for over twenty years, how could they get a divorce _now_? Wasn't that supposed to happen in the early years, when things are obviously not working out?

I slumped back on my bed and dropped my book. I was completely stunned. Part of me wished I could hear my father's responses to my mother's shouts, but the other part of me wished I'd never heard anything at all.

My world was full of the knowledge of pain and abuse against animals that is routinely dismissed, so how could I have missed the pain going on in my own home? I could no longer ignore the little signs that I should have seen before now; the way my mother had "lost" her wedding ring a couple months ago or the blankets on the couch every morning. I'd turned a blind eye to these symptoms of a sick marriage, because... well.

Because everything about my life, with the exception of my family and my friends, was full of struggle every day. I fought for animal rights, I struggled to educate people about the state of our environment and the enormous population of starving people...all of these things could be helped through veganism, but most people just weren't interested.

The real trouble came when I would run into someone who was ignorant about veganism; they would dismiss me as a "tree hugger" or a "bleeding liberal hippie" who subsisted off carrot sticks and pot. I was always ridiculed in high school by the kids who hated anything different than late-night trips to Denny's and a kegger on the weekends.

Being a straight edge vegan girl in a small, isolated town never failed to bring the frustration of a million people just like me, spread out across the world. I was in the minority here, by far. These people wondered why I couldn't just let these atrocities go and be like everyone else. They teased me relentlessly until I would feel so much futile anger inside of me that my hands would shake.

That's why I'd taken so much hope and comfort from OCS's music. They were local kids, apparently more local than I'd imagined, and they fought for what was right. They never seemed to waver in their steadfast dedication to veganism and animal rights, and I was always encouraged by them...even in the darkest of times.

I reached for my iPod and found their first album, turning it up as loud as I could stand. I laid back on my bed and tried to lose myself in the fire of Tony's impassioned vocals. I stayed that way, singing with my eyes clenched tightly until I felt someone tapping me on the shoulder.

My eyes snapped open and my earbuds fell out. I paused the song and looked up at my mother with wide eyes. "Mom?" I asked.

"Oh, I'm sorry honey. Did I scare you?" she asked. I shook my head dumbly and stared at her, willing her secrets to show on her face.

Instead, all I saw was a fake smile plastered there. I sat up and grabbed her hand. "I love you, Mom," I said quietly.

Her eyes looked sad and panicked at the same time, but her smile never wavered. "I love you, too, Bells. Where did that come from?" she asked.

I guess we were gonna play it like this, then. "Oh, no reason. I just felt like reminding you, I guess," I said while I kept my eyes glued to hers.

She pulled away from our staring contest first, and I felt a small perverse sense of triumph. At least I knew I wasn't the one lying in this conversation.

"Where's dad?" I asked, not-so-innocently.

She looked down. "Oh...um, he had to go out. There was a call about a...an accident," she lied lamely.

I nodded as if I believed her and let it drop. "Oh, hey, did you get more tofu at the store?" I asked, changing the subject.

She grasped onto the new topic with the desperation of a drowning man. "Oh! Yes, I did. I got four packages, and I put two in the freezer and two in the fridge, just like you like," she replied happily.

I smiled, but it felt hollow and the effort hurt my face. I was an honest person, but now...now when I wanted the truth more than anything, I couldn't bear to ask for it. I would make myself wait until she was ready to tell me.

"Thank you, Mom," I said with false cheer. Renee nodded and patted my hand before standing up and walking back to my bedroom door.

"Oh, Bella? You'll have to fend for yourself tonight; I'm going out to run some errands," she told me without looking back.

Her statement felt like a bad omen, and I couldn't ignore the sense of sick sadness that washed over me at the thought. I wondered why this had to be happening now, right after finding out the truth about Edward "Tony Masen" Cullen and his fake identity.

Apparently, he wasn't the only one who'd been faking it.

I felt the anger rise as I wallowed in the self-pity threatening to overtake me. Why could nothing ever be the way it seemed?

I suddenly felt surrounded by illusions, and I wanted...no, _needed_, to find an outlet for all this disgust.

Without another thought, I turned on my radio and tuned it to the college radio station. Sure enough, Edward's voice poured through the speakers as I grabbed my phone and dialed.

"Listener, you're on the air," I heard Edward say.

"Hello, Edward. This is Bella," I said into the phone.

"Hello, Bella. What's on your mind?" he asked. I wondered if he recognized my name and voice, or if he had no clue whatsoever.

"I was just wondering if you would ever consider having Tony Masen on your program," I replied with a hint of sarcasm in my voice.

There was a moment of silence, and I could tell the situation was sinking in on Edward's end. He quickly cleared his throat. "Sorry, folks, we've lost the phone call. Stay tuned while we go to commercial," he said into the microphone.

I smirked in perverse anticipation as I waited for him to come back on the line. I wasn't disappointed.

"What the hell do you want?" he muttered into the phone, obviously furious with me.

I felt all the hurt and confusion swell up inside of me, and the need to release it became unbearable. My heart found a target and took aim, letting loose a torrent of anger.

"I want to know what would happen if everyone found out about your little deception. After all, you have quite the following," I said nastily, thinking of both his music and his involvement in his church and politics.

"What's it to you?" he replied, obviously angry.

"I like to look at it this way: I'm a harbinger of truth, dispelling myth and ignorance wherever I go. I can't stand by and let the enemy infiltrate my scene with false idols," I sneered.

"'_False idols_?' You have no idea what you're talking about, little girl," he growled.

"I'm the same age as you, asshole. Just take a moment and consider how your big fucking joke will come crashing down around your ears when many realize what a fucking fool you've made of them!" I yelled, feeling the tide of nasty emotions swelling up over my wall of self control.

"You think my life is a fucking joke?! You have no clue. The world doesn't revolve around you, Bella. The world is a fucked up place where fucked up things happen, and people just have to do what they can to get on with things. You act like I _owe_ you something, but I can't be responsible for you and your needs. I have enough trouble seeing to my own needs, thank you very much," he responded with fury coloring his tone.

"That's bullshit and you know it. How can you make music like you do and then turn around and act like you're one of _them_?" I asked, feeling the impotent rage boiling in my blood.

"I have to get back to my show," he answered, his voice going flat.

"Fine. Just remember one thing: I'm not fucking around. I won't let you mess with my friends and make a fool out of me any longer," I said with a note of finality.

I heard the phone click in my ear, and I knew Edward had hung up on me without comment.

I'd wanted to put this pain on someone else, and now I had. As the adrenaline faded, however, I realized that maybe I hadn't done the smartest thing by calling him out on his radio show.

I mean, sure, he probably deserved it.

So why did I feel so disgusted with myself?


	7. Statute of Limitations

**A/N: A big fat greeting to the people I know in _real _life who are reading this story: Ali, my beautiful and amazing breastest friend, Amanda!, and all yous girls in my Humanities class. I hope you like this update, and just know that the next one will be coming soon because I've got it all on a roll now! **

**I don't own Twilight. Also, this next chapter will begin with some pretty sad stuff. Just be prepared, k? **

EPOV

_The last two weeks had been horrifying. My mother stayed on a hospital bed in the living room where the nurses could care for her more easily than they could on the second floor of our house. Carlisle and I took turns sitting next to her in shifts ever since she'd been released for hospice care. _

_The absolute horror came from the screams my mother emitted as the pain ravaged her cancer-ridden body. She begged Carlisle to stop the pain, and his hands would shake violently as hopeless tears ran down his face. My hands held my own face as I would listen to her howls of anguish; nothing could be worse than the hell of hearing my mother in so much pain. _

_Carlisle begged the nurses to administer morphine as he tore at his hair in frustration over not being able to do it himself. We both wanted nothing more than to ease her pain, but we knew that he wasn't allowed to under the law, so we sat...day in and day out, holding her hand and trying to keep her calm. _

_Her mind became confused and she drifted in and out of awareness as the cancer ate at her body. I was amazed at how fast it moved at the end, and I was at once both terrified for her death and yet, I dreaded the idea of yet another day in hell for her. She was barely coherent and at times she didn't even recognize us; it broke my heart every time she looked at me with that blank "do I know you?" stare. _

_The days and nights of eternal purgatory raged on endlessly after my mom was released into hospice care. We never left her side, unless it was to eat, sleep, or shower. Carlisle didn't go to work and I had dropped out of college to come here and be with her. _

_When I came downstairs on the day she died, she was sitting up weakly in her bed with her eyes latched on me. Carlisle must have been in the kitchen or somewhere nearby, but I couldn't remember where he was for the life of me. _

"_Edward, baby," she croaked, her voice rough and cracking from disuse. She reached a shaky hand out to me, and I ran to her side to clasp it in my own. _

"_Hey Mom," I said softly as I kissed her temple. Her skin felt like tissue paper beneath my lips, and I couldn't help the anger and terror that rose in me at that moment. I was going to lose my mother, any day now...I just knew it. _

"_You're such a handsome boy, do you know that?" she rasped. _

_I smiled at her tenderly and brushed my hand down her hair. "I got my looks from you," I replied. "You're the beautiful one." _

_She laughed, and it was like music to my ears after her blood-curdling screams. "Edward, you look exactly like your father," she told me firmly. _

_I rolled my eyes and squeezed her hand so gently; the bones were visible beneath her thin skin. "I'm afraid, Mom," I admitted, my eyes dropping from hers as the hateful tears welled up once more. _

_I felt her finger come up under my chin to lift it, just as it always had when I was little. She looked me in the eye and said, "Remember what I said, honey? Even when I'm not here, my heart will be wherever you are. A part of me will always be with you." _

_I remembered her telling me this when I was a little boy; at the time, I'd envisioned a gory heart in a box under a bed. Now, however, I pictured a lifetime without my beloved mother. A torrent of tears released from my petrified heart at the thought. _

"_Mommy, please...please don't go," I begged her, sounding like a small child. I clung to her arms and hands desperately, so desperately._

_She smiled at me serenely and brushed her palm over my cheek, drying some of my tears. "Baby, you know I have to go...but I love you, and so does your father. Please don't ever forget that; you guys need to stick together after I'm gone, okay?" _

_I couldn't say anymore after that because the lump in my throat was too huge to get around. The nausea swirled in my stomach as I realized that it wouldn't be long now before I never got to hug or kiss my mother ever again._

_As if sensing this, my father came running from the back of the house. His eyes were wild until he saw my mother smile at him. "You're awake," he stated in wonder. _

_She smiled and held her other hand out for him, bringing him to the other side of her bed. "Yes, I am. I wanted to tell you how much I love you before..." but she didn't finish, because both of us protested. _

"_Don't talk like that!" Carlisle yelled, looking horrified. I agreed with him and my mother just shook her head weakly. _

"_Carlisle, my handsome love, would you do me a favor?" she asked quietly. _

_He nodded quickly. "Anything, beautiful." I watched in wonder as my mother's pale, gaunt cheeks colored in a youthful blush._

_She pulled me to her and kissed me like she always used to when I was a child, with a big smacking noise. My heart broke a little bit at the happy sound. She then released my hand and turned to my father. "Would you mind holding me, just for a little while?" she pleaded sweetly. _

_I could see the anguish on his face at her words. "Of course, sweetheart. I'll hold you for as long as you'd like," he grated out. _

_She turned back to me, pulled my face down to hers, and covered my cheeks in soft kisses. "I love you, I love you, I love you. You are the best part of me, do you hear me?" she said so softly that only I could hear. I clenched my jaw and squeezed my eyes shut to stem the flood of emotion that crashed over me._

_I retreated to the big armchair next to the fireplace and watched as my father climbed onto the bed and pulled my mother's diminished frame into his lap. He wrapped his arms around her and rocked her like a child with his face buried in her hair. I could hear her singing to him softly, and I wondered what song it was. _

_I don't know how long we sat there like this, but I knew that it eventually grew dark outside. The warm glow of the light surrounded my parents on the bed and I realized then that my mother had a halo of light reflected on her head from the light above the bed. _

_She was asleep in my father's arms, looking peaceful. Carlisle was now humming the same song back to her. I felt myself drift off for a few minutes, feeling more peaceful than I had in months. I was jarred awake by my father's quiet voice calling my name. _

"_Edward," he called softly. My eyes snapped open and I bolted upright in the chair. His eyes were empty and his face was grim. I saw this and began shaking my head, denying the knowledge I saw there. All I could see through the harsh sobs racking my body was my father with his arms locked around my mother's frail body._

"_Edward, she's gone," he stated hollowly. "She's gone." And then his face collapsed. _

I slammed awake, sweat covering my body and drenching my sheets like tears. The pain that had ripped through me in the nightmarish memory was still present in my chest, feeling like a gaping wound. My hands shook as I reached over to turn off my alarm clock; the noise was grating on my nerves. I climbed out of bed and shot toward the bathroom, desiring a cold shower to wash away the bitter memories.

Tonight after class, I had a show in Seattle and I couldn't afford to have a dark day. I had to pull it together and _keep _it together if I didn't want to let my band down. I turned on the water in the tub and didn't wait for it to heat up before climbing under the punishing spray. I hissed and gritted my teeth through the discomfort and allowed it to overshadow the discomfort in my heart.

I hurried through my morning routine, eager to get out of the house and breathe the fresh morning air. The drive to school was spent trying desperately to avoid thinking about anything at all except the song lineup for tonight's show. We hadn't practiced our new stuff enough yet, so I figured we'd do a couple of cover songs to fill in some of the slots. We didn't want to let our fans get sick of the old stuff, so it was always good to change things up a bit now and then.

Feeling a bit more settled by the time I reached the school, I climbed out and locked my car up. Bella's figure was retreating to the big glass double doors and I followed her, my memory of her phone call beginning to piss me off and make me nervous. It was abundantly clear that I would have to speak to her about it, but I wasn't looking forward to it.

What I _really_ wanted to do was punch a wall and let some of this frustration out.

Somehow, I found the pocket of calm that I needed to get through the class. Bella's constant bickering with me was beginning to really grate on my nerves, and I started to talk back. We went back and forth, our debate taking up most of the class period. Professor Allan just took a back seat and let us hash it out with an amused expression on his face.

At the end of class, I was completely exhausted. I just didn't have the fortitude to deal with Bella and her motives for calling my radio show right now, so I gathered my things and headed out to the parking lot. Unfortunately, Bella fell into step beside me.

"So you have a show tonight, right?" she asked in a reluctant tone. I nodded without looking at her. "I guess I'll be seeing you later, then," she said in response.

I looked down at her, squinting and trying to convey my feelings on that. "Don't even _think_ about trying to get up onstage so you can _out_ me," I hissed at her.

Bella's head snapped back as if I'd slapped her and she looked hurt. I was slightly surprised, because she had always been such a cranky bitch to me. "I guess maybe I shouldn't go, after all. I'd hate to show up uninvited," she finally replied with the familiar bitchy tone.

I just groaned and shook my head before walking off. Something about this girl just always managed to make me feel too much- too much anger, too much passion, too much disappointment that I couldn't be the guy that I could see she wanted me to be. Why did I feel like I always had to please everyone so much? Why couldn't I just please people by being myself?

I had to brush that shit off if I was gonna perform tonight, so I shook my head and blasted Bane and drove back to my house to get changed. The lights were off, and I breathed a sigh of relief because that meant Carlisle wasn't home. I went inside and tossed some clothes around until I found my black Dickies shorts and my From Autumn to Ashes t-shirt. I found my black baseball hat and was out the door in under fifteen minutes flat.

On the way to Emmett's to load up the van, I called my dad and left him a message to say that I wouldn't be home until late because I had a show in Seattle. I knew he didn't want to know about my music, but I at least felt that it was important for him to know where I was since we still lived together; I considered it a basic courtesy.

Our trusty van was parked outside Emmett's house when I pulled up in front. I found Jasper and Emmett in the garage packing up our cords and wheeling out the amps. Rosalie was sitting on the hood of Emmett's 1965 Dodge Dart, looking bored as usual. I greeted everyone and started helping, and soon all of our equipment was loaded in the back of the van. We were ready to set off toward Seattle, which was going to be a bitch of a drive.

When we got there, we unloaded the van and waited for the guys to set up a set list. We went through sound check and after everything was ready to go, we went and hunted down some grub. The vegan scene in Seattle was always pretty generous, so we hopped over to one of our favorite little places to stock up on food for the rest of the night.

I wondered if Bella would be at the show. I really hoped she wouldn't be, because I'd already had my fill of bickering and negativity today. I just wanted to enjoy tonight.

BPOV

"Mom, I'm home!" I yelled as I dropped my school bag next to the door. Charlie's cruiser wasn't in the driveway and I wondered where he was this time of day.

My mom came walking out of the kitchen, drying her hands on a towel. "Hey, honey. How was school?" she asked with a small smile. Her face had been strained lately, and now I knew why.

"It was fine. How are _you_, Mom?" I asked with concern.

Her eyes dropped to the floor next to the stairs and I saw a pile of boxes and bags sitting there. Was this really happening, or was I just going crazy? "What are those?" I gasped with a sick feeling of dread in my stomach. Was Charlie moving out, or was my mom leaving? These were questions I needed answers to.

"Bella..." she began with a heavy sigh. She walked over to me and took my hand before leading me over to the couch. She sat down and angled her body towards mine. "Your father and I haven't been getting along lately, and we both think it's time that we try something else."

So, the truth was finally revealing itself. "What do you mean, 'try something else'?" I asked incredulously. This just could not be happening.

She looked down and I tried to ignore the fact that she looked happier now than she had in a long time; there was no way my mother could be _happy_ about all of this...could she?

"I mean that we're getting a divorce. I'm leaving today," she admitted without looking at me.

I felt so angry with her in this moment. She was tearing apart my entire world, and she wouldn't even look at me while she did so. What's worse was I fucking _knew _that it was all _her_ idea, not Charlie's. She was the one who wanted to leave and "try something else," not my dad. Why the hell was she doing this to me...to all of us? "Mom, why?" I grated out as the hot, angry tears began to fall.

"Bella, please..." she pleaded, her hands grasping mine with fervor.

"No! Tell me why you're leaving!" I cried, my hands gripping onto hers until my knuckles turned white.

"Because I can't do this anymore, Bella! Because I'm not cut out to be a mother or a wife, and I never meant to be either one in the first place!" she yelled, her composure finally cracking.

I felt like I'd been socked in the gut. "Wh...what? What do you _mean _you never fucking meant to be a mother?" I shouted, my hands shaking now. I shot up off the couch and stood over her with my entire being quivering from the emotional outrage coursing through me.

She looked up at me and shut her mouth, which had been hanging open. "I was young, Bella. I was _too_ young. Charlie was ready for all of those things, but I wasn't. I didn't intend to get pregnant, and I never intended to marry him or stay here in Forks," she admitted with a disturbingly unsympathetic look on her face.

Now I really wanted to throw up. "Are you saying I was a fucking _mistake?_" I whispered brokenly.

"I..." she began, trailing off as she looked at my face. "I'm sorry, honey."

She reached her hand out for mine, but I snapped my hand away and glowered down at her. "Don't. I'm glad at least Dad wanted me, because you're apparently nothing more than a shallow, self-involved _bitch_!" I gritted out with vicious intensity.

Renee's hand collapsed back onto her lap and her expression went hollow. "You really shouldn't talk to me like that, Isabella," she said with an airy tone. I could tell that she didn't really mean it, because the woman who had been my mother for over twenty years was suddenly gone, only to be replaced by this woman who just didn't seem to care anymore.

I took one last look at her before grabbing my things and slamming the front door behind me.

Carlisle POV

"_Hey, Dad, it's me. I'm just calling to let you know that I'll be out late tonight because I'm playing a show in Seattle. Don't worry about waiting up for me, okay?"_

I finished listening to Edward's message and set my phone down on the desk in my study. I pinched the bridge of my nose and sighed, trying to relieve the headache that had been brewing all day. I was supposed to be meeting Esme for dinner, and I didn't want to be poor company.

After showering and dressing in a nice suit, I headed out to pick Esme up at her house. We hadn't been talking long, but she'd been really great ever since I ran into her at the church. Her kindness and grace were so apparent that it was hard to ignore, and I wondered if maybe I would ever feel the way about her that I'd felt about my Elizabeth.

Maybe. _Hopefully_, a tiny voice whispered into my ear. I shrugged it off and parked in front of Esme's tidy little house. My eyes observed everything about her home as I approached the front door: the sunny yellow paint on the exterior with white trim and black shutters, the pretty little flower garden with the whimsical frogs and faeries, and the cobblestone walkway I was currently on.

When I reached the front door, she opened it wide before I could even knock. She looked absolutely stunning in a simple white dress with a blue-green shawl over her shoulders. Her hair was brushed up and off her neck, and her brown eyes shone with warmth. "Hello, Carlisle," she greeted me.

"Good evening, Esme. You look lovely," I complimented as I stepped up to her door. I watched with interest as she looked away from me shyly. _Hmm._

"Thank you," she said with a bright smile. "So, what's Edward up to this evening? I was hoping he'd come have dinner with us."

I was surprised, to say the least. "Oh, he's at a...thing...with some friends," I replied uncomfortably. I wasn't sure I wanted Esme to know about Edward's band.

She looked like she wasn't fooled by my evasiveness. "I see. Does he...disapprove of you and I going out together tonight?" she asked with a wounded expression on her face.

I realized then that she must have mistaken my cryptic response to mean that Edward wasn't happy about me going out with her, which wasn't the case at all; in fact, Edward didn't even know I was here tonight. "No! That's not it at all!" I exclaimed, feeling horrible for putting that look on her face.

She looked instantly relieved. "Oh, good. So where is he, then?" she asked with curiosity.

I gently held her arm as she stepped out of the house and locked her door. "He's actually playing with his band tonight," I admitted reluctantly.

Her eyes lit up. "Oh! Really? I didn't know Edward was in a band! Where is he playing?" she asked with real excitement on her face.

"Umm... well, at Studio Seven, I guess. At least, that's what he told me when he left me a message," I replied uncomfortably. I didn't want her to know about this side of Edward that made me so unsure about his behavior.

"That's great! Is that where we're going? I'd love to see him play. What does he do in the band?" she asked, her face looking bright with interest.

"Actually, I thought we'd go to dinner... he's the singer, I guess," I told her, feeling awkward. This was already becoming very bizarre in my mind.

"What do you mean? We should go see him play! Don't you think that would be fun? Are they any good?" Her hands came up and rested on my shoulders as we reached the car. "Can we go, please?" she asked with her big brown eyes staring me down.

I felt a weakness in my resolve that I hadn't experienced since...well, since dating Elizabeth. This was an old feeling, but also new at the same time. I didn't quite know how to respond to it.

"Well, I...I don't know where the club is," I evaded, trying to get her to drop the subject. There was _no way_ I wanted to take Esme to one of Edward's shows. I had no idea if his band was any good or not, but that didn't matter. I didn't want Esme anywhere near his noisy racket that he called music.

I opened the car door for her and she slid onto the warmed up leather seat with ease. "Yes, but isn't that a GPS in your dashboard?" she replied with a sly smirk.

_Son of a bitch_. I groaned and walked around to my side of the car, reluctantly now. "Yes, it is," I supplied against my will when she stared me down.

"Good, then we'll just plug the name of the club into the GPS and we can follow the directions. While you're doing that, I think I'm going to just head back inside really quick and change so I won't stick out so much," she rambled on happily. I could feel the bars slamming down around me as I realized that there would be no getting out of this soon-to-be-debacle now.

I turned on the GPS and cued it up for Studio Seven while Esme changed into jeans that made her look too good for words and an old college t-shirt that hugged her curves lovingly. I hoped she couldn't see my sudden reaction to her appearance, because it sure surprised the hell out of me and I didn't want her to get the wrong idea.

We headed to the freeway and settled in for a long and comfortable drive. I switched on some classical music and asked Esme to tell me more about herself. This night was pleasant enough right now, but I knew it would be embarrassing by the time she realized what a mess Edward and I were now that Elizabeth was gone. She probably wouldn't want anything to do with me after that, so I tried to just enjoy her company while I could.

**A/N: Just a reminder, please don't forget to go and vote for my one-shot "The Virginity Pact" for the SMC Contest! I'm in the top 10. I've already written the second chapter for it, so please keep me encouraged;) **


	8. Delusions of Grandeur

**A/N: Okay, people. This chapter was rough for me to write, because I _hate_ song fics, and this began to feel like a song fic. It's a little heavy on the lyrics near the middle, but I just want you to really get the point I'm trying to communicate. For those of you Bella haters out there, I hope the last chapter and this one will bring you a little closer to what she's feeling. She isn't just a bitch for the sake of being a bitch, she does it because she doesn't know how else to be. She'll learn, trust me. **

**So anyway, please excuse my lyric madness in this chapter. The first song is Emery's "As Your Voice Fades" and the second one is the inspiration behind this story's title...From Autumn to Ashes' "Delusions of Grandeur." Go check em both out. I had to squeeze my Emery boys in here somewhere cuz I knew them in high school and I think they are some of the most quality fellas I've ever had the good fortune to know. I hope you will love them as much as I do:) **

**REMINDER! Please vote for "The Virginity Pact." I will feel like a loser if I don't win. It's sad, but true. Go to the ThreeSmutketeers profile to vote now, please please please!**

**Big hellos to my real-life pals reading this, and thank you to my beta, Adrena, for letting me work her so hard. I love ya;) And Evan-from-Humanities, if you don't register for this site, you can't vote OR get alerts to let you know when I update my stories, so you should just register:) **

**And now I will end this epic fucking author's note and get on with the goods!**

EPOV

Tonight would be our first show playing with our new guitarist, Seth. I was pretty sure he'd rock the house; he may have been young, but he'd already been in a handful of local bands in the scene. He couldn't ride up with us because he was already living in Seattle and attending UW, so Emmett and Jasper were waiting for him outside to make sure he could get into the club all right. I waved my hand when I saw them come in through the side door and they walked over to grab the empty seats next to mine.

The bouncer opened the doors and started checking bags while the girl at the door took tickets and stamped hands. I could see all of this from the bar where we were drinking Coke and chilling. I kept my eyes on each person that came through, not really sure what (or who) I was expecting to see. My shoulders tensed when I saw _her_ walk in and get her hand stamped. She looked behind her and I saw the girl I vaguely remembered meeting at the festival, the one who was with Jake. I shifted in my seat, trying to hide behind the wall that was between me and the front door in the hopes that Bella wouldn't see me and try to cut out my liver or something. There was no need, however, because she walked straight to the bar and looked right through me before she turned and bought two bottles of water. She shoved them into her big black canvas purse covered in patches and pins and said something to her friend, who then turned and gave me a considering look. I wondered if she'd told her who I was, but the friend didn't seem to react like Bella had, so I could only guess what she told her just now.

The first band went up onstage and went through their little pre-set chat with the crowd. I was only half-listening while I kept my eyes glued to the girl who had caused me so much grief the past couple months. I wondered what she was up to and why she was here, when she so obviously hated my guts. I stared at her, willing her to reveal her secrets to me. I noticed that she looked like she'd been crying, and I found myself wondering why. Her face looked slightly gray, as if she wasn't feeling well. Why would she come all the way to Seattle for a show if she was sick? I just did not understand this girl.

Jasper and Emmett noticed the direction I'd been staring for the past fifteen minutes, and Jasper nudged me. "Dude, who's that?" he asked with a waggle of his eyebrows. Seth stayed silent as his eyes scanned the crowd.

Emmett whooped. "Is our Eddie finally steppin' out?" he said loudly.

I glared in response. "Heck, no. You guys seriously don't know this girl. She's crazy," I told them.

I saw Seth's considering gaze cross to Bella and her friend Leah. I wondered what he was thinking about.

"Whatever, dude. You know she's hot. Back in the day, you'd have been all over that. You've lost your balls, man," Emmett said with a heavy-handed back pat that irritated me immensely. It was true, in a way; Bella's long brown hair, big brown eyes, fair skin, and freckles were all the physical qualities I used to find attractive in girls. To be honest, I found her incredibly attractive, but I just didn't like her personality; it was too confrontational. I tried to imagine how she would be if she could just chill out and stop being so scrappy all the time. Would her passion for tearing things apart translate into passion for other things, like building things up and making things better?

Did she ever unleash that intensity on guys?

I halted that thought right there. This chick was crazy, and I wasn't going to go there. No way.

The band was on their second song now, and the crowd was warming up. The dance pit had formed and people were kicking and floor punching with abandon. I could only see the stage in partial view, but I knew that these guys looked like a bunch of nu-core idiots in their tight black girl jeans and guyliner. I hated that whole I-wish-I-were-Danzig look that resulted from worshiping Davey Havok's watered-down version of his style. Their devilocks were a pathetic attempt to give their band more cred, but it wasn't working. Anyone with at least one functioning ear could tell that they sucked.

Whoa. I was being a jerk. I needed to pull back and find the happy place before I went out there and started throwing punches at the stupid kids who were actually misled into thinking this crap was good music. It wasn't _their _fault that the only taste they had was in their mouths.

The craptastic band finished up, and the next one came on. These guys were better, but I could tell they were a relatively new band because their sound wasn't quite as tight as it could have been. The front man kept swinging his mic around in huge, swinging arcs above his band mates' heads. His bassist was ducking while never missing a beat, and I had to admire that even though I thought the singer was kind of a douche to do something like that in the first place. It's not very bro-loving to knock your friends out with a mic.

I decided to stop paying attention to the other bands. I dug the set list out of my pocket and unfolded it onto the table. "Okay, guys. Here are the songs for tonight. Any suggestions?" I asked.

Emmett and Jasper looked over the list and nodded without saying anything. "Looks good," Jasper remarked.

Seth took the list as it was handed to him, and he finally spoke. "So, are we going screamo?" he asked with a smirk in my direction.

I scoffed. "Screamo's for Thursday and their wannabes; I'm just trying to fill in some blanks since you're new to us and we're about to come out with some fresh stuff. I don't intend to start wearing girl pants and makeup, thanks," I grumbled.

"Yeah, looks good...but are you sure you can handle covering that Emery song?" Emmett asked with a concerned look on his face, trying to bring our attention back to the list.

I shrugged and looked away. "It's a good song. Besides, I wanna give a shout out to our local dudes who have made it big, and Seth here loves that emo crap. Why are you suddenly worried about it now?" I asked, feeling a little irritated. I could handle this; I always did.

He looked uncomfortable, and so did Jasper. Seth stayed out of it. I looked between the both of them. "Man, maybe we should just stick to the FATA cover and leave it at that," he said.

"Stop being so worried. You're like a little girl. Just play the song, okay?" I snapped, beginning to feel really annoyed now.

They both backed off, signaling their retreat with their hands raised in surrender. Jasper's diplomatic side kicked in. "Okay, dude, it's cool. We'll play the song. We just wanna make sure you're cool with it."

I didn't say anything, and we decided to go to the back room to start getting things ready for our set. I wanted to apologize to the guys for being such a dick about the song, but I didn't really know what to say. I just wanted to play the song and not have everyone all over me like I couldn't handle it. If Eric Clapton could sing "Tears in Heaven" at his shows, I could sing a song I didn't even write, for crying out loud.

The band before us started their last song, so I started warming up my vocals while Jasper tuned his bass and Emmett did his hand exercises. Seth sat quietly in the corner strumming scales on his guitar. I wanted to start with some of our older songs, but they had more shouting and that always shredded my vocal cords, so I had to be careful. The newer songs had more rhythmic harmony lines between Jasper and me, but they were better so I would rather finish the set with them.

When it was time to go, we helped the band onstage carry off their equipment and they helped us carry ours up; it was just a little band-to-band courtesy that helped to foster goodwill in the scene.

BPOV

I spotted Edward and his band in my peripheral vision as I bought water at the bar, but I didn't bother to go over and say anything. Leah still didn't know how I knew him, so she found it strange that I wasn't more excited about seeing OCS lounging around. I completely blamed my foul mood on my encounter with my mother, and Leah bought it. She was so pissed off at Renee for being so cold-hearted, and I appreciated her loyalty.

I watched as Edward and Co disappeared in the back to warm up. Leah grabbed my hand and dragged me to the front of the stage. I stood there hollowly, allowing the ebb and flow of the music and the mosh to wash over me. I felt her body press against my back and I saw her arms come around me to rest against the edge of the stage and form a somewhat effective barricade between me and the mass of bodies hurling around the pit behind me; Leah was always playing the part of show angel for me. I turned and pecked her on the cheek in gratitude.

The band onstage finished their set and the intermission music piped through the speakers. I saw an older couple walk in through the front doors and pay the entrance fee. The woman looked to be in her late thirties, but she exuded a sense of youth and vivacity in her relaxed jeans and t-shirt. The man with her was a different story, however; he was holding himself stiffly and with a stern look of disapproval on his face. He wore nice slacks and an expensive-looking dress shirt, and I wondered what the hell he was doing at a hardcore show. They took a spot near the wall in the very back, and he kept a protective hand on the small of the woman's back. She looked really interested in everything around her, but the man just kept on scowling as his eyes searched the crowd.

I saw Edward and the rest of the band help the band onstage clear out before setting up. I was surprised by how much excitement began flowing through my veins as I anticipated their set; I was eager to ignore the pain and frustration from my encounter with my bitch ass of a mother this afternoon.

When OCS officially took the stage, everyone went crazy. Leah whooped and hollered and I made a few conservatively enthusiastic noises as well. Edward grabbed the microphone from the stand and his deep, smooth voice filled the room. "Hey there, everyone. Thanks for coming out tonight. I just wanna introduce our new guitarist real quick. You probably already know Seth from The Chain Gang and The Chronicles, but he agreed to play with us now. We're totally stoked, so thanks Seth."

The crowd cheered and Seth gave an adorable little wave. I recognized him not only as a musician, but as Leah's cousin. I wondered why she hadn't told me that he would be playing for OCS, but when I looked back at her over my shoulder, she just shrugged as if to say that it was as much a surprise to her as it was to me. I turned back and realized I was directly beneath Edward's mic stand. _Awkward_.

His gaze came down briefly to look me in the eye, and I was amazed to see the anger there. I knew I wasn't nice to him, but he seemed to be angry about more than just our run-ins during class today. Did he really suspect I would jump up onstage and reveal his secret to everyone here? What a presumptuous ass! I felt steamed just at the thought.

Oh wait, Bella. Weren't _you _the one who called his radio show to make thinly veiled threats about doing exactly that? Fucking _duh_. I began to feel the guilt and stupidity of my actions toward him with that realization. Maybe I should have been nicer to him.

I stared down at the stage as the music started playing. Seth's guitar began the song and Jasper's bass joined in before it cut off. Edward's grip on the mic tightened and he bent at the waist to emit a growl that shook my teeth. I saw the tattoos on his legs up close because I refused to look at him after that, afraid to see the anger still seething in his eyes.

The spastic drum beat started and the sound of chains and Chucks sounded in the pit behind me as people started floorpunching and windmilling around. The song was a short intro, so it was over quickly. I chanced a look up and instantly regretted it when I saw Edward whip his damp shirt off and run a hand through his hair. His chest was heaving with the effort to breathe as the music for the next song started up. He started pumping himself up, bouncing on the balls of his feet as his arms jackknifed, finding the beat. His face twisted as he started shouting the words to an old, familiar song.

I was unwillingly entranced by his movements and his facial expressions as he sang one of my favorite OCS songs. He was feral, passionate, primal. I felt my blood heat as his passion transferred to me and ran thickly through my veins. I watched the muscles in his back work as he bent and howled brokenly into the mic with power and grace. I was surprised at the sudden desire to reach out and run my hand along his chest when he straightened up; it was so strong and sweaty.

I reeled myself in and tried to remind myself that he wasn't simply the singer of my favorite band, but also a jackass that I wanted to pummel, not make out with.

However, my hormones had a different story to tell, and my eyes remained glued to him as he moved around the stage with fervor and energy, pumping the crowd up continuously. He'd get right onto the edge of the stage and hold out the mic so the fans could shout into it right along with him. He looked so exhilarated and in his element here. When Emmett started the double bass, I felt the dancers get crazy in the background. The breakdowns were my favorite part of their songs, so I didn't blame them.

EPOV

It was time for the Emery cover. I braced myself and started singing.

"_Somebody please tell me _

_what am I supposed to do? _

_you've died and I'm here _

_thinking that I hear your voice, _

_but it's somebody else _

_it's always somebody else _

_why did you die? _

_don't leave me please _

_I beg you God tonight bring me peace _

_I'll never sleep without _

_the dreams of you alive here with me, alive here with me _

_the brightness left your eyes _

_as I held your face _

_don't tell me it's the right time _

_and your last words will sustain me _

_until my end...until I see you again..."_

This song killed me to sing, but it was so cathartic; I felt like I could express my rage and grief over losing my mother through the outlet the words allowed me.

"_Your words (your life) evade me (but a moment) _

_I'll wait to (I'll cling to) remember you (forever) _

_and what you have (your words) meant to me (on my blood) _

_could never be forgotten _

_the chains (why) of death (don't take) _

_have fallen (away), but my heart still bleeds _

_it longs for (why) the day (did you die) _

_when we will be as one, one, one..."_

I saw her there, right in front of me. The way she watched me made me angry, because I felt like she was just watching and waiting for me to fuck up. I knew she wanted to reveal my secret double life to the crowd, and I just wanted her to go away. I'd just stripped my soul bare on this stage, and here she was with that sour fucking expression glued to her face as always. It just freaking grated me the wrong way, fueling the sickness in my stomach even more.

The first group of songs was done, and it was time for our From Autumn to Ashes cover. I admittedly wanted to do this song because it reminded me of how I felt whenever Bella was around. She made me so furious at times with her judgmental attitude and her fucking big mouth. I wanted nothing more than to put her in her place at this moment, and I knew what I was going to do right now, no matter how my conscience screamed at me. I didn't care if what I was about to do was wrong or hurtful; all I wanted was to give as good as I got.

The music started up and I channeled all the pent-up rage swell in my chest. Tonight, I would let it out.

I began the first verse, bending down directly in front of her. I caught her eyes to make sure she knew exactly what was going on.

"_Pressing on about our business_

_Comfort is getting too expensive_

_Hot-shots for the pigeons with a death sentence_

_You're something like a pistol_

_That's been polished bright_

_But if it never leaves the holster_

_It can never save your life..."_

I looked away from her and walked to the other side of the stage, screaming with my eyes shut. Emmett pounded out the beat and I felt the rush of the music around me. Seth sang backup for me as I stomped back to stand in front of her once more.

"_I need a meaning I can get behind_

_To be alone is to be alive_

_A better message to subscribe to_

_To be alone is to be alive_

_Set sun I'm an hour older_

_Mile markers punctuate the shoulder_

_Harboring delusions of grandeur_

_You're something like a canvas that's been stretched and primed_

_You can become something priceless_

_Or you can be a waste of time..."_

I bent down face-to-face with her as I delivered the last line, looking her right in the eye. I watched her brown eyes widen in shock before the hurt and anger set in. Anger, I'd been expecting; hurt was another thing altogether. I instantly felt like a huge asshole, and I had to acknowledge the fact that I'd just humiliated her in front of all these people.

She was right, I _was_ a fucking asshole. I was ashamed of myself. The song finished and I couldn't look at her, but I didn't need to worry, because she wasn't standing there when I turned back around. However, my eyes landed on the very last person I expected to see at one of my shows: my father.

What the hell was _he_ doing here, and who was the woman standing beside him? She looked vaguely familiar, but I couldn't place her in this bizarre circumstance. We still had three songs to go, but I could already see the steam pouring from my father's ears and I knew I would be getting a lecture as soon as I stepped off the stage.

While we finished our set, I tried to ignore the sick feeling in my gut. I'd been an unforgivable asshole to Bella with my little stunt, and no matter how angry she made me, I knew I'd have to apologize to her. I wasn't looking forward to it, but I knew it had to be done. I made up my mind to find the infuriating girl after the set and humble myself at her feet if I had to.

We cleared out quickly and I ignored the guys as I made my way outside the front of the club. Jasper looked worried and Seth looked like he felt sick. I halfheartedly searched for Bella; I hoped to catch her before she drove home and spread her anger on the Northwest Hardcore website. I had to make amends before she decided to out me in revenge.

Luck was with me (questionably) as I found Bella standing rigidly in front of the club, her friend's arms wrapped around her as she cried. _Fuck_. I was such a fucking asshole; no matter _what _she'd done or said before now, it in no way excused my behavior tonight.

I heard footsteps behind me before I could reach her. A heavy hand landed on my shoulder and spun me around. I looked up into the furious eyes of my father and winced inwardly. My chin notched up and I stared at him without blinking as he laid into me. "Are you out of your mind, Edward? What kind of behavior is that? I've _never_ seen someone do something so cruel in my life! I was obviously right about this band and your friends; they are a bad influence on you. Look at what you've become since you started hanging around with them!"

I cringed away from his hand and stared at my shoes now. "I know, Dad. It was really horrible," I mumbled into my chest. My stomach twisted at his last words and I looked back up at him defiantly. "But you're wrong about my band. They had nothing to do with this; it was all my idea. If anyone's the bad influence here, it's me!" I declared.

Carlisle's face was puckered in anger and disappointment. "I'm extremely disappointed in you, Edward. What do you think your mother would say if she were still alive?"

I couldn't answer that. I couldn't say anything. All I could do was turn and walk away, my hands shoved deep into my pockets as I disappeared down the dark alley behind the club without really having a destination in mind.

**A/N: The next chapter will pick up at the show, and things will get hairier and hairier for our peeps. I hope you enjoyed the fruits of my labor, because it's been a labor of love to get this update out in the midst of my hectic as fuck schedule! **

**Let me know how you feel about Bella now, because I really want you guys to connect with her more, you know? **


	9. You've Got to Give a Little

**A/N: Some people are still hating Bella and doubt that she will grow... my only hope for those of you who feel this way is that you will trust me to tell this story the way I have planned it. Like I said in the last chapter, Bella is not being a bitch just to be a bitch... she is young and confused, and very temperamental. She will grow. Please trust. **

**As for Edward, a lot of people were pissed off at him after the last chapter. Good. You should be.**

**Quote from Pablo Neruda's poem "Saddest Poem." **

**Now back to the show!**

BPOV

I suppose Sunday should have been better considering everything that had gone down yesterday: class with Edward, followed by confusing thoughts about my parents and Edward, and then the show where Edward had confused me further by humiliating me in front of my friends.

I could tell Leah and Seth were both very upset with what had happened, but I couldn't bring myself to explain the situation, so all they knew was that Edward (_Tony)_ had seemed to be a dick for no good reason at all.

They didn't know I'd been asking for it ever since the first day of poli sci class. I'd been such a bitch to Edward, it was no wonder he finally struck back. I mean, even though I hated him, I could sense that he seemed to have an endless fuse on his temper. Judging by the looks his bandmates had given me after the set before Edward stormed off, I could tell that they were confused and curious about what went down.

The truth of the matter was, I wasn't angry with him. I knew I'd deserved his angry words.

But I was still hurt. I couldn't really figure out _why_ it hurt me so much that he thought of me as a "waste of time," but I was smart enough to know that it probably had something to do with the way I'd felt watching him onstage last night.

His primal grace and elemental presence held me captive, even while he sang those angry and hurtful words directly to my face. The man I'd always imagined Tony Masen to be was slowly morphing into the reality that was Edward Cullen. He was infuriating, angry, passionate, fascinating...and beautiful.

I knew that, no matter what Edward Cullen did or said in class, he was somebody completely different when he was on that stage with his music. His ideals and his passion called to me in a way that nothing else ever had, not even the Tony Masen I'd used to worship. His music still inspired me, and I still wanted to find a way to connect with him on our shared beliefs, but things had changed since I realized who he was (and who he _wasn't_).

Because now, instead of simply admiring Tony Masen from the perspective of a fan girl with unrealistic fantasies, I now knew the _real _Tony Masen.

...Or did I? He was so elusive, and I could see how tightly controlled he was; he seemed to contain an entire world completely within himself, and it looked as if he did a pretty good job of keeping everyone and everything out.

I thought back to last night after OCS's set. Leah had followed me outside and tried to coax the story from me, but I was still inexplicably protective of the split personality that was Edward/Anthony. I didn't know if I could ever explain it all to her in a way that made sense anyway, especially considering the fact that _I_ wasn't even sure I knew what was going on. So, instead of explaining, I just cried and Leah wrapped her comforting arms around me. During times like these, it was nice to feel her maternal instincts kicking in.

At least _someone_ in my life was maternal, I suppose.

Anyway, the confusion and the horrible ache in my chest combined to make me just incoherent enough that she gave up on trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with me. I don't know how long we stood there with her holding me while I cried, but then Edward was there and the older man from the back of the club was looking really pissed off with him.

They argued heatedly, but I didn't hear everything. All I heard was the older man say "I'm extremely disappointed in you, Edward. What do you think your mother would say if she were still alive?"

Obviously this guy was Edward's father, and I couldn't help but observe him with a compulsive interest. Edward's mother was apparently not alive anymore, and this man looked like he'd been through hell. I wondered if her death was the reason Edward was so...whatever he was. Angry. Guarded. Broken.

….where did _that_ thought come from? Maybe it was just a hunch, but that little tidbit of information about Edward seemed to make some things click into place in a way they hadn't before. Some of his actions suddenly seemed to make sense, but one thing I just didn't understand was the split identity thing.

Why did he feel the need to play two such different people? And why did I care so much?

Leah and Emily came barging into my room with overly bright smiles and pounced on me with laughter. "Bellaaaaaaa!" Leah yelled.

I grunted and pushed them off. "Hey...what's up?" I asked unenthusiastically. I loved my girls but I really wanted to be alone right now. I just didn't feel up to having to put on a happy face for any length of time.

"We're getting you out of the house. Come on," Leah said firmly. One look at her face convinced me of her absolute determination. I knew if I said no, they'd listen to me because they were my friends and they respected me like that, but sometimes I just had to admit when they knew me better than I knew myself...and this was one of those times. Without any arguing, I stood up and located my make up while Emily chose something for me to wear and Leah found my shoes. Within ten minutes, we were out the door and headed towards...well, I wasn't exactly sure what, but I knew that Leah and Emily wouldn't let me come home unless I had a smile on my face.

EPOV

After the horrible decisions I'd made last night, I could hardly face myself in the mirror this morning. Carlisle's absence at the breakfast table seemed ominous and accusatory, and it made me feel even more like shit to remember the look on his face and the words he'd said after seeing me play last night. His last words had done their job perfectly, cutting me straight to the bone and making my heart explode with horrifying shame.

What would my mother think of who I'd become? There was no way she could be proud of me now, especially after what I'd done to Bella last night. The guys had left me in Seattle after I disappeared, and I didn't blame them. They didn't know Bella, but they knew me and I'd disappointed them with my maneuver during our set. When I stormed off after the show, they didn't bother to wait for me, knowing I would find my own way home when I was ready.

The night was mostly spent wandering the streets of Seattle huddled deep into my coat. The vision of Bella's stunned and hurt expression kept swimming insistently before my eyes, and the guilt just rolled off me in waves as I stalked up and down the deserted sidewalks and back alleys. I would have to suck up my pride and apologize to her, and I could only hope that she would be gracious about it...but this was Bella we were talking about, and I figured I'd be lucky if she only tore off my head; if I was _unlucky_, she'd probably steal my balls and feed them to wild dogs or something.

I sighed and tried to pull my thoughts back when there was a knock on the door. I was still in my clothes from last night, not even bothering to shower or change after the taxi from Seattle dropped me off. I shuffled toward the front door, scratching my face and running my fingers through my hair in an attempt to make myself look a little less like a sweaty bum before I greeted whomever was on the other side.

When I pulled the door open, Seth was standing there with his hands shoved deep into his pockets. His face was set in a look of pure determination, and I wondered why he was here. We didn't really know each other very well, so I was kind of surprised to see him. "Hey Seth, what's up?" I greeted confusedly.

Seth cleared his throat and dipped his head once in response. "Hey, Tony. I was wondering if I could come in and talk to you for a minute."

He sounded nervous and I racked my brain to try and figure out why. "Yeah, sure," I said, stepping back and gesturing toward the living room. His walk was stiff and uncomfortable as he crossed to the couch and sat down. "So...what's up?" I asked cautiously.

Seth sighed and scrubbed a hand down his face before speaking. "Listen, I know we kinda just met more or less, so I don't know you very well...that makes this awkward, to say the least..." he rambled nervously.

I felt much more confused now. Was he upset about last night, too? Hmm. "It's cool, Seth, just spit it out," I pushed.

He nodded jerkily and took a deep breath. "My cousin, Leah, was at the show last night. She was with Bella, the girl you sang the FATA song to."

I groaned. _Fuck._ "I see..." I replied.

He looked pained now. "So hey, I don't know what's going on between the two of you, but I _do _know that Leah is _pissed_ and she doesn't want me to play in the band anymore..."

My jaw dropped and my mouth hung open, ready to argue. "But..."

Seth held his hand up. "Don't worry, I won't quit. I'm just trying to tell you that I know Bella really well, and I love her like family. Leah's pretty fierce when it comes to her friends, so I'm warning you that she's ready to nail your balls to the wall right now for making her best friend cry," he explained.

My stomach twisted. "I made her cry?"

He nodded gravely. "Leah was _pissed_ when I talked to her. She wanted to know if I was a part of the idea to do the song, and I told her we all agreed to play it. We just didn't know you were intending it for _Bella_. The poor girl is already going through enough at home, and I definitely don't want to add to it."

I groaned. "Honestly, I wasn't really thinking straight last night," I tried to explain. Seth nodded but he still looked as if he was sucking on something sour. I wasn't sure what he meant when he'd alluded to Bella having problems at home, but I didn't think I really wanted to know. "Listen, I won't tell you the whole story, but I know Bella from a class and it's just a really twisted situation. I shouldn't have done what I did last night, and I'm really fucking sorry that you got hit with the shit that went flying."

His face relaxed a bit, but there was curiosity in his eyes now. I wouldn't, or couldn't, explain the whole situation with Bella to him, so I didn't offer up anymore information and he didn't ask anything more about it.

"So listen, here's the deal: I just don't want to be part of anything that's going to be like that, okay? Bella's my friend, and I don't want to see her get hurt. I know you're a good guy, and based on what Emmett and Jasper said on the drive home, I know that last night was completely unlike you, but I just want to be clear that I don't want to be used for any sort of_ hating ritual_ you've got goin' on here," Seth said firmly.

I felt a spark surprise; Seth had always been kind of quiet and shy at our rehearsals, so this was the first time he'd ever really put his foot down on something. I was really uncomfortable with the fact that it was about me and my juvenile behavior, but I had to respect it all the same. Therefore, I said: "You're right, it was completely wrong of me to use you and the other guys to do what I did. I'm truly sorry, and I want you to know it'll never happen again."

He seemed to assess my words, weighing them for sincerity. Whatever he saw must have passed muster, because he let out a relieved breath. "You know, I owe Bella for a lot. When we were all in high school, she was the one who converted all of us to veganism. She's always been so passionate and compassionate, and that just kind of rubbed off on the rest of us. It really brought all of us much closer together, and over the years, we've really formed a really strong bond that I don't think would have lasted beyond high school if it wasn't for Bella. I don't know why you guys haven't hit it off, but I'd have to say... you two are so similar, it's kind of freaky."

I was stunned. "What makes you say that?" I asked, my voice shocked and raspy.

He laughed. "Well, I'm sure she'd never own up to it, but she owns everything OCS has ever recorded, and she's been your number one fan since day one. She credits you and OCS with really educating her and making her more passionate about veganism. It really just doesn't make any sense to me why you two aren't totally tight," he explained, looking completely confused.

I'm pretty sure my jaw was on the floor at this point. Who knew Bella was such an obsessive OCS fan? How could I have missed this?

And if what Seth said was true, then why _couldn't _we get along better? Some of my preconceived notions about Bella were slowly crumbling, and I wasn't sure what to think about that.

I couldn't speak anymore on the topic, but we relaxed a bit and started talking about music and the band. Time flew by before it occurred to me that I could possibly find out where Bella was today. I wanted to apologize to her before next weekend, because I didn't want to let the situation stew that long. "Hey, do you think you could find out where Bella is today? I want to apologize to her," I explained.

Seth pulled out his phone and called someone—likely Leah. "Hey hey, cuz. Where ya at?" he asked. He listened for a moment before smiling and saying: "Oh, cool, cool. I just wondered what Bella was up to today because I talked to Tony, and..." he trailed off, his eyes bugging out and a panicked expression crossing his face. I figured Leah was probably chewing him out, judging by the looks he was giving me. Great, this is just great. What a horrible situation.

Finally, he was able to get a word in edgewise. "So are you at Fenix Tattoo, then? Awesome," he said before he hung up his phone. "So, they're getting tattoos up in Seattle at Fenix Tattoos. Leah said Bella's feeling a little bit better, but she's going through some other shit with her mom or whatever, so she's still pretty fucked up about that, I guess. I don't know if you want to go all the way up there just to apologize, but I think they're probably gonna be there for a while because Leah and Emily are both getting work on their sleeves and Bella wants something big too."

I nodded and thought through the rest of my day. There wasn't anything that really needed to get done, so I figured it wouldn't hurt to head up there and see about maybe getting some touch-ups on my back piece of my mom. I'd been to Fenix for other tattoos before, so I was familiar with the artists and the location. "Thanks, Seth, I think I'll head up there and just get this off my chest before the week gets away from me. I don't want Bella to feel bad about this," I told him.

Seth nodded and stood up, looking far more comfortable now. He crossed to me and gave me an encouraging slap on my back before he wished me good luck and disappeared the way he came. I decided to eat some leftover scramble before I went to take a shower and clean up a bit before heading off to Seattle.

A few hours later, I was parking on the side street next to Fenix. I felt nerves clanging around inside my stomach, and I knew exactly why: Bella was here, and I'd have to eat humble pie shortly. This was awkward, to say the least.

I walked into the shop and waved to Thomas, who was working on some girl's ribs. I winced in sympathy and looked around for Steve, the other guy there I knew. We talked for a bit, but I started to worry when I didn't see Leah or Bella. I told him what I wanted done, and he lifted the counter for me to pass into the back cubicle where he was set up. Along the way, I passed Thomas and the girl he was working on. My eyes took in the soft expanse of pale skin revealed by her bunched up shirt as I tried to see what she was getting done. Thomas caught me looking and gave me a dirty old man wink, which caused me to flush and raise my eyes to her face quickly. My mouth dropped open in shock when I saw Bella's face, totally relaxed in sleep with ear buds in her ears. She looked peaceful, and I wondered how she could sleep through someone tattooing her freaking ribs.

Thomas must have noticed my expression, because he chuckled and told me, "This girl has such a high fucking pain threshold, it's ridiculous. I've done tattoos on her before, and she just always falls asleep like she doesn't even feel it."

I found myself unwillingly impressed. I looked around for Leah again before my eyes drifted back to her sleeping form laid out on the massage table they used for the hard-to-reach tattoos. There were words forming along her ribs, wrapping from the center of her chest back around her side, just under her left breast. I watched as her chest rose and fell methodically, soothingly. The words weren't done yet, but I could still see the purple transfer on her, and if I squinted my eyes, I could read it...and I was surprised to see a line from one of my favorite poems forming under Thomas' tattoo gun: "Her infinite eyes," I whispered aloud, wondering if she and I had this in common.

Thomas looked up again and smiled at me. "She told me it's a line from her favorite poem by this guy...shit, what's his name?"

"Pablo Neruda," I replied confidently.

He nodded. "Yeah, that's it. She showed me the poem...it's fucking _depressing_, you know?"

I shook my head and noticed Steve setting up his station. Bella was fast asleep on the table, and I allowed myself to look at her for a moment more before I forced my eyes away and walked over to Steve.

About twenty minutes later, my shirt was off and I was leaning forward in the chair while Steve's gun went about touching up the elaborate back piece I'd gotten about a year ago to celebrate my mother. I had my eyes glued on Bella as Thomas finished up her tattoo. When her face was unguarded and her mouth wasn't spewing anger, she was actually really easy to look at. Her hair looked soft and silky; I used to love to play with my girlfriends' hair back in the day. Her cheeks were flushed in sleep and her mouth hung open slightly, making her look like I'd imagine Little Red Riding Hood would look all grown up.

Let's just ignore for the moment that I'd had the hots for Red when my mom used to read me bedtime stories.

Thomas was finished and he nudged her gently awake. She sat up and smiled at him sleepily, and I felt a strange response to that smile somewhere in my gut. _Strange._ Anyway, she stood up and let him wrap it before she turned and spotted me looking at her so intently. I jerked my face into a super awkward smile and felt the guilt come surging back when her eyes narrowed on mine intently. She thanked Thomas and stalked over to me, looking furious. I cleared my throat and decided to cut her off before she could rip me a new one. "Good afternoon, Bella. Listen...I wanted to apologize to you for last night. It was really uncalled for, and I feel horrible about it," I began. _Why _did I have to sound like such a fucking nerd?

BPOV

_Why _oh why did this guy have to bring out the worst in me? Even though I'd already admitted I wasn't angry with him for last night, I just...ugh! Waking up after Thomas finished my tattoo to see Edward/Tony sitting across from me, looking all hot with his shirt off...and then that smug fucking smile showed up, and it was like my blood pressure went through the roof. How could I forget the fact that he was Mr. Right Wing Douche Bag?

_Easy, Bella. He's half-naked and hot and fuck...he's NOT eye candy, Bella! _

I stopped in my tracks when I heard his apology, but my hands still dropped to my hips as I cocked her hip out and stared him down. "Ton...Ed...fuck it, I'm calling you Toneward from now on. What are you _doing_ here?" I fumed. If I couldn't admire him in all his inked up half-naked glory, then at least I could wipe that smug look off his face.

"Oh, yeah, umm... Seth told me you guys would be here today, and I needed to get my back touched up anyway, so I figured it would be a good chance to come apologize to you for being such a dick last night," he explained.

EPOV

In retrospect, it sounded kind of...creepy. Or stalkerish. _Awesome_.

I had to remind myself that this girl was the bane of my existence, and she looked like she was out for blood; it wouldn't be a good idea to let my guard down now. I jerked slightly and breathed through my nose when the tattoo gun at work on my back started along my spine.

"Hurts, huh?" she sneered, her hands still on her hips in a defiant manner.

I grimaced and asked, "Jesus, can't you ever _chill out_?"

Why couldn't we have a fucking civil conversation? Why did it always have to spark up and burn out of control whenever we were in the same room together? I was starting to feel like a bad TV movie or, worse, a junior high kid with his first crush.

She huffed and looked away from me quickly; I wondered what that was all about. "Whatever. _You'r__e _the one who went off the fucking deep end and embarrassed the shit out of me in front of my friends last night," she replied haughtily.

Bella was right, of course, but her tone had me getting my back up, and I didn't want to play nice anymore. Watching her stand there with that sourpuss look on her face just reminded me of the fact that she thought she was above reproach in comparison with myself, but she just didn't even know the half of it. "Don't act like I'm the only one who dishes, here. You know as well as I do that you give as good as you got last night," I told her straight out, getting kind of angry now. How dare she act like she smelled like roses?

Steve snorted behind me and I realized after the fact just how loaded my last words were. I sighed and tried to glare at him over my shoulder, but I didn't want to mess him up so I settled for grumbling under my breath.

BPOV

Fuck, he was right. Didn't I just admit earlier today that I was a bitch to him? Why was I acting like such a hypocrite? My pulse was racing and my head was pounding. I took a mental step back and tried to take a deep breath. If he could apologize, then so could I. It didn't mean anything would change much, but maybe we could at least call a truce. Big gusty sigh. "Okay, you know what? You're right. I don't know how this got so out of hand. I'm sorry for calling your show and threatening to out you," I offered magnanimously.

Just then, Leah and Emily walked in and spotted Edward talking to me. Leah's eyes narrowed and she shoved the paper food bag she was carrying into Emily's arms before she stomped over in our direction. My eyes widened as I tried to stop the train wreck in progress, knowing Edward was about to get the reaming of his life from Mother Tigress Leah.

"Um, Edward? You should probably play dead...or something," I tried to warn.

**A/N: Yay! Progress!! :)**


	10. The Cold War

**A/N: It's Becky, bitchezzzzzz!!!**

**I kid, I kid. I'm back. Miss me? I sure missed all of you! **

**Just a little shout out to Now It's Overhead, Mono, This Will Destroy You, Atreyu, Killswitch Engage, and Thrice for helping me write this. **

**Many of you may have forgotten during the ridiculous break I took, but this where we left off:**

_Just then, Leah and Emily walked in and spotted Edward talking to me. Leah's eyes narrowed and she shoved the paper food bag she was carrying into Emily's arms before she stomped over in our direction. My eyes widened as I tried to stop the train wreck in progress, knowing Edward was about to get the reaming of his life from Mother Tigress Leah. _

"_Um, Edward? You should probably play dead...or something," I tried to warn. _

EPOV

A very angry, very intimidating Leah was currently stampeding her way through the tattoo shop, likely to behead me as quickly as possible. She made me tremble a little, truth be told.

Bella looked like she wanted to dive for cover, but she stepped in front of me before Leah could reach me. She held up her hands in a calming gesture, but that didn't stop Leah from reaching _around _Bella to claw at the air in front of my face. "You sonofafuckingdicksuckingdouchejockeymotherfucker!" she snarled.

Whoa, there. Just, _whoa_. Steve had stopped the gun and I was able to stand up and tower over both Leah and Bella. Bella must have thought I was going to get into it, because suddenly she slapped a hand in the middle of my chest and pushed Leah back with the other one. Miss Psycho-Sailor Mouth and I were now pushed as far apart as Bella could get us.

"Hey, now," I began. "Let's leave my mother out of this."

Leah looked like she was about to bust a vein. I felt Bella's hand begin to sweat against my bare chest. I looked down at her and arched an eyebrow. "Do you really think I'm gonna attack your little friend with the filthy language?" I asked her.

Bella looked straight in my eyes and dropped her hands. Unfortunately, her friend took that as an opportunity to smack me across the face. I felt a massive sting as my head jerked in response. Bella shouted and pushed Leah's arms down to her sides."You deserved that, you fucking asshole! How _dare_ you treat Bella like that at your own fucking show? You think you're so fucking tough, douche bag? Well, let's just see how tough you are when you aren't surrounded by all your pansy-ass brothers! Wait til I tell _Jake _what you did!" she shouted at me.

Bella shut her friend up with one scary expression. "No one, and I repeat, _no one_ is going to tell Jake about this. Got it?" she ordered with a tone of absolute authority on pain of death. Both Leah and Emily nodded solemnly.

Thomas and Steve both got up and frowned at Bella and Leah. "Listen, you two, I know you ladies come in here a lot, but I can't have any of this fucking drama in here. Either you need to chill, or you need to take this outside. Don't make me throw you out," Steve warned in a tone that brooked no argument.

I still hadn't said anything at this point, because Leah was right. I'd taken an opportunity to attack Bella in a situation that was in my favor: with _my _band at _my_ show. I'd been a dick because I knew I could get away with it. It was highly unlikely I would have done anything like that with Jake and all of Bella's other friends around.

Then again, I'd obviously not been thinking straight last night. Attacking Bella through a song while onstage with my clueless band mates wasn't something I'd ever thought I would do, and yet I had. I didn't know what it was about this girl, because honestly, I'd encountered plenty of people like her through working for Conservative issues in the past few years; it wasn't like Bella was the first bleeding heart lib I've come across.

So why did _this _girl make me so angry all the time? Why did she make me so mad that I could forget who I was?

It was like I just lost all control over myself whenever I was around her, and that just wasn't good.

Not good at all.

And besides...my face hurt like a total _bitch _right now.

BPOV

I passed Leah off to Emily and they left with one last spiteful glare at Tony. I apologized to both Steve and Thomas before turning back to Tony to assess the damage.

Leah was left-handed, and on that hand she sported a nice, sharp ring. Tony's face had a huge red mark with a cut right in the middle. I watched as he raised his hand to pat at his cheek gingerly. I winced when he winced and turned to Steve. "Can I use something to put on his cheek, Steve?" I asked.

Steve nodded and handed me a cotton ball soaked in rubbing alcohol. I looked at Tony and said, "Sit."

He obeyed without argument, which surprised me. He still looked dazed after the vicious tornado that was Leah. I gently turned his cheek and examined it closely. I prodded here and there and flinched whenever he flinched. When I was done, I dabbed at the cut with the cotton ball and blew on it softly before stepping back to give him some space.

There was no doubt about it; Tony was a hot piece of muscle. His chest was perfectly toned and sexy as hell with ink in a few places. I'd had to swallow the drool while holding him back just a few minutes before. If there was anything hotter than a guy with a sexy chest covered in tattoos, I'd love to see it, but I really doubted there ever _could _be anything sexier than that.

Was it getting hot in here, or was it just him?

_Fuck_. I needed to get out of here before I did something really stupid, like feed fuel to the crush that had died an agonizing death when I met Tony's asshole alter ego. "Um, so...I guess I'd better go. I'm sorry about Leah, she's just really protective, I guess..." I said awkwardly, afraid to look him in the eye lest he see the naked sweaty version of him I was currently picturing.

"Uhh...no problem, really. I deserved it, you know," he replied sheepishly.

My eyes snapped up to his and I saw the discomfort there; I felt the same way. "How about we just call it even now. What d'you say?"

He looked relieved, and I couldn't blame him because I felt the same. It was hard work to hold a grudge.

Besides, he wasn't Edward right now; he was Tony.

And Tony was the one I wanted to make amends with, not Edward. Edward was another can of worms I wasn't ready to touch just yet.

We nodded awkwardly at each other in acknowledgement and I left the shop before anything else could blow up. I found Emily and Leah down the street, we decided to call it a day and head back to Forks.

EPOV

When I got home, I saw Carlisle's car in the driveway. I groaned miserably and climbed out of my car, being careful of my sore back. I couldn't wait to take the plastic wrap off my touch-up, but that would have to wait until tomorrow morning, because I freaking _hated _waking up stuck to the sheets after getting a new tattoo.

I hoped that Carlisle wouldn't lay into me about last night, but I figured I was already a doomed man; he was probably laying in wait in the foyer.

I just hoped he'd get it over with quickly so I could get on with my night.

As I pushed the front door open, the scent of food came wafting out of the kitchen. Color me confused, but Carlisle _never _cooked. I decided to investigate, deciding that if Carlisle was cooking then he must be going insane, and if he was insane, then he wouldn't remember what a total tool I'd been last night.

The scene in the kitchen made my stomach and my heart twist in unison: Carlisle stood behind Mrs. Smith from church, his head over her shoulder as he tasted something on a spoon she held out. He looked, well, kind of happy.

As for Mrs. Smith…she looked like she wanted to be the spoon. My stomach twisted again and my mother's face swam before my eyes.

"What the hell is going on in here?" I asked grumpily, forgetting that my father would be the one angry with me.

Carlisle snapped around and frowned at me like a thundercloud. "Edward, where are your manners young man?" he chided instantly.

Mrs. Smith looked like she wanted to fall through the floor. I noted that she was wearing a nice dress with an apron covering the front, and with her hair brushed the way it was, she looked just like a 1950's housewife.

It made me sick.

I forgot my _manners _again when I said, "What is she doing here?"

Carlisle's neck turned red and I felt mine do the same. After all, I got my temper from him, so it would follow. He brushed past me angrily and grabbed my ear in the process. He drug me to his office and shut the door with barely concealed fury. "Edward Anthony Masen Cullen, you will behave like a gentleman when you are under my roof. _Is that understood_?" he demanded.

I scowled at him. "You can't just go out and find the first fucking willing woman to bring home and bang just because mom's gone, you know!" I yelled in response. There was no way Esme couldn't hear what we were saying, but I was too angry to think about that right now.

Carlisle looked like he'd just been slapped. The shock of my words paled his face before filling it with the blood that was pulsing through the veins popping in his neck. "_How dare you_! You have _no _idea what I'm going through, and you have _no _right to speak that way to me. Furthermore, you _will _treat Esme with respect and perfect manners when you are in her presence. She is a lovely woman, and she deserves every ounce of respect you've got," he ground out. I watched as he pounded his fists on the desk through his little tirade, but none of it moved me.

For the first time since my mother died, I wasn't afraid to tell my father what I was really thinking. "'You will do this, you will do that,'" I mimicked and mocked. "I'm a grown man, _Carlisle_. I don't have to sit here and listen to you lecture me. I don't even have to _be _here! I could have stayed in school and gone on tour with my band, but instead I decided to come back here to live with you. I could have had a _life _that wouldn't have involved all your stupid rules and false pretenses! I could be doing what I want, when I want to, but instead I'm here getting yelled at like a seven year old. What is wrong with this picture?"

Carlisle looked slightly stunned, which took some of the edge out of his anger. His shoulders drooped as his gaze fell on a picture frame on his desk. I knew the picture he was looking at: it was about five years old, taken during my senior year in high school. My mother, as always, was standing between my father and I with an arm around each of us, holding us in a choke hold. She grinned at the camera triumphantly while my father and I faked grimaces.

"She would hate to see what we've become," Carlisle said quietly. He reached a hand out to pick up the picture frame. He brushed his fingertip over her smiling face and I watched as his eyes filled with intense regret. "Esme is a good woman, Edward. I know what you're probably thinking, but we're just friends. I don't know if I could ever love another woman the way I loved your mother, but I'm very lonely and Esme keeps me company. She makes me laugh again, and that's been something I've needed very much since your mother died. Life without her is just so empty, son. Just, please, say you'll give Esme a chance. She means well, and I think you would like her."

Seeing my father like this filled my chest with a suffocating pain. I dropped my anger and sighed heavily. "Okay, I'll try," I conceded reluctantly.

He placed the picture back in its original position and leveled a look at me. "Good, because she went through a lot of trouble to cook for us tonight."

I grimaced. "Dad, you know I can't eat..." I began.

He waved his hand, effectively cutting me off. "Don't worry, I already told her about your food hang-ups. She made some sauce especially for you without any meat in it."

I felt some slight relief. "Okay...what are we having?"

Carlisle walked around his desk to clap a hesitant arm around my shoulder. "Spaghetti."

When we got to the kitchen, Mrs. Smith was fussing over the garlic bread, arranging it into the basket with much more attention to detail than necessary. Her head was down, but I could see her wide eyes as she tried to gather herself.

I felt like a complete asshole, once again.

I cleared my throat awkwardly and walked up to her. "Mrs. Smith, I want to apologize for my extremely rude behavior earlier. I had no right to behave that way."

She looked up at me and smiled too brightly. "Oh, Edward, please don't mention it. I know I don't know you that well, but I just wanted to come by and get to know you a little better. I've enjoyed the friendship your father and I have formed, and he always speaks so highly of you."

Well, that surprised me. I gaped at her a little before I remembered my manners again. I watched her fidget nervously with the basket and I felt sorry for being such a prick. "Um, so, can I help you with anything, Mrs. Smith?" I offered.

She looked embarrassed. "Please call me Esme. It makes me sound like an old woman when people call me Mrs. Smith."

I smiled at her and reached out to take the basket from her before she could smash all the garlic bread. She relinquished it and quickly turned back to the sauce. "Dinner will be ready just as soon as the noodles are done," she informed us with a nervous laugh.

I felt myself begin to like her; her obvious nervousness at being here was endearing. I set the bread on the table and took a seat to wait for the food, which reminded me: "Thank you for making me a separate sauce, Esme. I really appreciate the gesture," I told her sincerely.

She blushed and waved her hand, and I could see it trembling from across the room; it made me feel like such an asshole. "My niece is a vegetarian, and she always feels left out whenever we have big family dinners, so I always try to make her feel included when I can. I figured you'd feel the same," she informed me.

I nodded. "That's very thoughtful of you. How old is your niece?" I asked, trying to make conversation. Carlisle nodded at me approvingly when she turned back to the sauce. I nodded my head at him in return.

"Oh, she's eleven. She has a really hard time with her choice at school, and I don't think her dad and brothers really get why she does it, but she's a tough little girl. She definitely has her own mind about things. I wonder if she'll go all the way to vegan someday?" Esme mused aloud.

I felt myself get warmed up to the conversation. "Yeah, it can be very difficult when your family doesn't understand why you choose to abstain from certain foods," I said, casting a significant look at my father from the corner of my eye. He caught my look and scowled in return. _Yeah, whatever._

"I couldn't agree more. I don't have any kids of my own, but I can't imagine it would be easy for a child to make an unpopular decision and stick with it the way she has," Esme replied with empathy and admiration clear in her voice. "So, when did you first decide to be vegan, Edward?"

"Well, when I was in high school I started getting into it. I spent a lot of time up in Seattle with the music scene and that just introduced me to it, so it just kind of happened," I answered.

She nodded. I watched as she turned off the stove and tested the noodles before lifting the pot to drain the water. My father jumped up and snatched the pot out of her hand to drain it for her. "Here, let me do that for you," he said.

Esme caught me rolling my eyes. _Oops_. She just smiled at me like she knew it had to be hard for me having her here, and that made me feel like a troll because she was just being so _nice_.

"Edward, will you tell me more about your band?" she asked.

I sat up straight and gave her a questioning look. "How'd you know about my band?" I asked, confused. Nobody in church knew about my band, and I sincerely doubted she knew anybody I knew outside of the church.

Carlisle shot me a warning look. "She came with me last night," was all he said.

_Awesome_, I groaned internally. "Oh," I replied lamely.

Esme didn't look bothered, though. She took a seat next to me at the table and nudged me slightly before giving me a friendly smile. "So?"

I peeked at my dad before speaking. "My band's name is OCS. We've been around since high school, but we took a break when I went to Stanford for a while."

I saw Carlisle's body stiffen as he realized what we were talking about. He gave a short bark of laughter. "Edward's _band _makes for a nice hobby," he said condescendingly.

I had to resist the urge to glare at him and turned back to Esme instead. She patted my hand and pulled it away hastily when I looked down at her hand over mine. "Sorry. So, what's OCS stand for?" she asked.

It probably wouldn't be very nice to refuse Pop's new girl, so I decided to tell her. "It's, uh, kind of a joke between me and the other guys. It stands for 'Onward Christian Soldier.'"

She laughed lightly and I saw her eyes twinkle with mirth. When she looked like that, I could see why she'd made my dad happy.

I guess it was bound to happen sometime, but that didn't mean I had to like it.

"I like that," she told me before Carlisle started dishing up the spaghetti.

On Thursday evening, I was at the radio station preparing for my show when I heard a knock on the window of the office. I looked up to see Esme standing there with a box in her hands. She waved at me and shot me a friendly smile. I was confused as to why she would be here, but I went over and unlocked the door to let her in anyway.

"Uh, hey, Mrs...I mean, Esme," I greeted her awkwardly.

"Hello, Edward," she responded. I motioned toward the chair the guests usually sit in for my show and she got herself settled.

"So, what brings you here?" I asked, trying to keep the confusion out of my voice.

She set the box down and made eye contact with me. "I came to talk to you," she replied, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

"Oh," I said. _Smooth_.

She sighed and leaned forward, folding her hands in her lap. "Listen, Edward, I came to talk about you and your father. I know you're not wild about the idea of me being around, but I just really hope you and I can find some sort of understanding. I think Carlisle is lonely, and I certainly know _I _am after my husband passed away..." she began, trailing off.

I fell into the chair on my side of the table and brushed a hand through my already messy hair. "I don't dislike you, Esme. I just...it's really hard for me to accept the idea of another woman taking my mother's place," I answered honestly.

Something about Esme Smith just inspired honesty, I supposed.

She leaned closer to me over the desk. "Oh, Edward, please don't think that way! I'm not trying to take your mother's place, and I never _could_, anyway. Your father loved her very much, and I can see that and respect it. I only want to be a friend to Carlisle, but I won't lie...I _do _find him attractive, and if we move in that direction, I want to know that I have your blessing."

I shifted uncomfortably and groaned a little. This was not what I needed before my radio show. I needed to be calm, cool, and collected. "I don't honestly know how I feel about that yet, but I will tell you that I think you're a very nice woman and I do see that my father has been happier since he started seeing you. I guess that must mean you're good for him," I conceded.

She smiled and pushed the box toward me. "Here," she said.

I looked up at her and put my hand on the top of the box. "What's this?" I asked suspiciously.

Her smile turned to a conspiratorial grin and I wondered if she was off her rocker. Maybe it was a hideous Christmas sweater or something, and Carlisle would force me to wear it.

"Well, it's kind of a bribe. I hope you like them," she said. "Go on, open it."

I lifted the lid off the box and peered inside. When I saw no evidence of woolen reindeer, I laid the lid aside and reached in to remove..._Holy crap. _

"Original Misfits? Black Flag? The Descendents? What the..._Minor Threat_?" I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. In my hand, I was holding what appeared to be a box full of original vinyl from bands active in the punk and hardcore scene in the 80's.

Esme looked embarrassed. "I had them lying around, gathering dust. I figured you'd get more use out of them than I can these days. It's not appropriate for a woman of my age to be moshing around, you know."

I gaped at her. _These were hers_? "Esme...these are yours? Your records?"

She laughed. "I wasn't _always _a forty year old woman, Edward. I grew up listening to this music, and I had quite a bit of fun in my day." Her eyes unfocused on a point beyond my shoulder, and I knew she must be reliving some of her memories.

I guess this must have been how Bella felt when she found out I was Tony Masen. Suddenly, I felt sorry for not being kinder to her in her confusion.

"Wow," was all I could say. I was stunned.

She giggled like a teenager and blushed. "I had quite the crush on Ian Mackaye," she told me.

I shifted around in my seat, feeling embarrassed. "Um...sooo... does my father know about this?" I asked.

She laughed and slapped a hand over her chest. "Oh, no! Carlisle strikes me as an easy listening kind of guy."

I laughed along with her and went through the rest of the box. The woman must have X'ed up in her day, judging by the prevalence of straightedge bands in here: Gorilla Biscuits, Youth of Today, Teen Idles, Chain of Strength...the list went on. There had to be at least twenty albums in here, some of them autographed. I drooled like a kid in a candy shop.

"You're really going to just give these to me?" I asked, astounded.

Esme nodded her head. "Like I said, it was a bribe. I figured maybe you'd think of me less as a stuffy old church lady if you knew I had some punk in me."

I shot her a huge smile. "Consider the bribe accepted, then. I had no idea!"

We talked for a few more minutes before I had to start my show, but she stayed and listened to the taping. I wanted so badly to interview her, to ask her about being at the shows I would have given an arm or leg to see, but that wasn't what my radio show was about. I could feel her watching me and considering the mix between the two people I had become, but she never judged me.

At least, I didn't think she was.

I was relieved not to get anymore threatening calls from Bella. I guess the truce really was going to work, after all.

After the show, Esme said her goodbyes and I went through the records again. I couldn't wait to see my father's face if he ever found out Esme was more like his aberrant son than he knew.

I tucked the box under my arm and left the studio feeling lighter than I had in some time. I wondered what class with Bella would be like on Saturday, but for the first time I wasn't angry at the idea of her.

Fascinating.

**A/N: Awww, Esme's a closet freak too! Woo! Random, huh? But that's why she's so down with Eddie boy's music, so that's good, right? **

**And how about the adorable little scene between Edward and Bella, huh?**

**Sigh. I've probably lost alllll the readers for this story from my long absence. I'm sorry everyone, really. But I'm on summer break now, so I'll have plenty of time to work on my stories. I hope you stay tuned. **

**3 HIE**


	11. Filibuster

**A/N: My lovelies. I would like to offer sexual favors if you would willingly nominate this or any of my other stories for the Bellies **_**or **_**the Indies. I'm all kinds of pathetical, I know. **

**And yep, I know "pathetical" isn't even a word. I totes don't care. :-P**

**Big thank yous to Adrena for being my beautiful beta. You complete me like the bread completes a sammich. **

**Go read my silly one-shot entitled "Bella Says Relax." It was meant as a contest entry, but I was apparently wearing my tardo hat when I read the requirements and ended up with an ineligible piece. Oh, pity. Whatever. You still have some silliness to read. It's my first vamp fic, along with my first "T" rating, so be all gentle with me like the virgin I am. K? K. Yes. **

**Song in this chapter is "Reflections" by From Autumn to Ashes. The quote before the song is from Katie Holmes playing Joey on Dawson's Creek. It's from Season 4, "Promicide." **

**Yeah, bitches. I googled that shit. **

**Now grab your hankies and gird your loins. If I did my job right, there won't be a dry eye in this joint.**

**HERE WE GO!**

BPOV

On Friday evening, I returned home from class to find a note written in my father's chicken scratch stuck to the fridge. It read:

_Hey Bells, I won't be home this weekend. I'll be out fishing with Billy and Ezra. -Dad_

I pulled the note down and crumpled it in my hand. The house was dark and eerie without anyone here, and there were creaks and groans as it settled around me. I sighed miserably and opened the refrigerator, only to slam it shut in disgust.

It was completely empty, save for an old moldy package of cheese and a carton of rancid soymilk. Apparently, my father wasn't going to take care of the grocery shopping like my mother had before she'd taken off for parts unknown.

I guess it's not like he would even know what to buy for us, anyway. I'd be lucky to end up with a six-pack of Rainer beer and a box of Lucky Charms.

With a resigned sigh, I pulled the food money jar off the top of the fridge and peeked inside. As I'd already assumed, it was empty. I returned it to its place and grabbed my keys.

I needed to get out of here, anyway. Might as well go to the store and get some comfort food for the long weekend ahead.

The harsh lights of the supermarket gave me a headache as I scanned the aisles for the usual suspects: lentils, rice, tofu, soymilk, bread, fruit, and vegetables. On an impulse fueled by my raging depression, I also grabbed a bag of Veggie Booty and some Soy Delicious ice cream for the lonely night in front of me.

When I got to the front to pay for my groceries, I automatically stiffened when I recognized Edward/Tony standing in line in front of me. I quickly scanned the numbers above the other lanes to see if anyone else was open, but I had no such luck. I grumbled and decided I should at least say hello, because it would be a lot more awkward if I didn't.

I cleared my throat and girded my loins in preparation. "Um, hey Edward," I said awkwardly.

He spun around and looked down at me with surprise. I noticed he wasn't exactly dressed the way he did for class, but he wasn't dressed like he did for shows, either. I realized then that I'd become accustomed to thinking of him and reacting to him based on how he was dressed at any particular time.

This revelation both frustrated and confused me, and I didn't like it. I had enough confusion and frustration these days.

"Oh, hey. Ah...how are you?" he asked, just as awkwardly.

I caught myself staring directly at the center of his chest, completely spaced out as I stewed over my shitastic situation. He was wearing a black hoodie that covered all of his tattoos and his jeans were dark and slightly loose, hanging in a very attractive way on his lean body. I wouldn't have recognized him if I hadn't spotted his uniquely colored hair; it was looking a little messy and a lot delicious.

Too bad I'd already sworn to loathe him for all eternity.

I smiled weakly at my brain's attempt at a little Elizabeth Bennett humor. Sigh. Then I remembered that I was standing there, staring at him while he waited for a response. I snapped my mouth shut and looked down at his cart. "So what's on the menu for tonight?" I asked instead, hoping it was okay to pretend we weren't mortal enemies.

I snorted at the thought.

He turned and glanced back at his choices. "Hmm, probably either an Amy's version of the Hungry Man or some tofu scramble. What about you?"

He sounded friendly enough, so I figured we were going to play nice for now. I was a bit relieved, to be completely honest. I didn't like the feelings of anger and frustration that seemed to swell up inside me whenever he was around.

"Oh, probably just a salad and some junk. I'm going to be on my own all weekend, so I think I'll probably break out the new PPK cookbook and make a mess," I replied.

He looked surprised. "Isa came out with a new cookbook?"

I nodded. "Yeah, for brunch. It looks awesome."

Were we having a moment here? Were we, dare I say it, _bonding_?

I was amazed at myself, and at him. I felt a little less depressed now that I was having a non-confrontational conversation with him.

"Sounds interesting. I'll have to go pick it up and check it out," he replied as he pulled up to the register and began unloading his cart. He turned his attention to the cashier, so I didn't bother to respond. I observed him as he interacted with her, always very polite and friendly. I wondered why I couldn't have met _this _Edward, as opposed to the political douche on that first day of class.

When he was done checking out, he turned and gave me a slight wave...which really consisted of a half-hearted swoop of his hand before it landed on the cart handle as he left. I gave him a jerky head-nod in return.

When I got home, the house was darker and emptier than before. If I didn't know any better, I could have sworn that someone had come in and burglarized the place while I was out.

But I knew burglars didn't steal things like warmth and happy family memories; those kinds of things were only precious to the people to which they belonged.

It was those kind of priceless things that my house was now missing, and I could feel their loss like a missing limb.

I hurriedly put the groceries away and retreated to my bedroom; I was no longer hungry.

Around nine o'clock, the house phone rang and I ran to answer it, thinking it would be my dad calling to check in. "Dad?" I asked as soon as I picked up the phone.

"No, Bella...it's M...me," came Renee's reply. I heard the nervousness in her voice, but it didn't matter to me.

"Oh. Hi."

I wasn't going to give her an ounce of me. This would be done the hard way.

She sighed. "Listen, I wanted to call and try to explain some things to you."

"Fine, go ahead," I replied abrasively.

Renee ignored my tone and continued speaking. "We said some things before I left, and I want to clear the air. When things like that happen, it's like a negative energy is released and I don't want to let that sort of thing pollute the air."

She sounded nothing like the woman who used to be my mother. In fact, she sounded like a New Ager parroting something her newest Guru was spouting off. I gave a disgusted groan and pressed the phone to my ear so hard I knew it would turn red. "I have no idea what you're talking about, but I'm not going to _clear the air_ with you just because you feel bad about telling me I was a mistake."

She gasped. "Isabella, what happened was nobody's fault. Please, just listen..."

I cut her off. "_Nobody's fault_? You admitted _to my face _that I was a mistake and you never wanted me in the first place. It _is _somebody's fault: _yours_!" I shouted into the phone, becoming furious now.

Her airy parrot voice cut off and her more familiar angry voice came through the line. "Isabella Marie Swan, you listen to me: I'm not the only one to blame for this mess. Your father should have known better. I've never been wife or mother material, and now that you're grown up, I can say I've done my job. I'm _not _going to waste the rest of my life stuck in some small backwoods town with a man I never even loved, with a life I've always hated."

Her angry words pierced my heart like a million shards of jagged glass. I felt my stomach heave as I listened to her make a mockery of every happy memory I'd ever had of my family.

"What are you saying, Mom?" I asked in a tiny voice that shuddered and shook like a terrified little girl.

She released a breath. When she spoke, she was calmer this time. "You don't need me anymore, Bella. You're your own person now and you can take care of yourself. Trust me; you're better off without me there."

I watched any hope of reconciliation with my mother float away like a balloon. Her words effectively sealed the casket on our relationship.

"I see," I said with deceptive calm. "Well, if that is the case, then I'd suggest a clean break. Let's not even bother to pretend, shall we?"

She swallowed audibly. "Please don't...please don't tell your father we've spoken. I don't want him to know where I am. He's taking this very hard."

I stopped short of hanging up on her. I needed to know where she was, if only so I could mentally banish her there to rot for all eternity. "Where _are _you?" I asked.

"I'm at a retreat in Arizona. We're leaving for a vision quest tomorrow and my leader told us it was important for us to try and cleanse all the negative energy from our lives before we go," she explained.

All I heard was her selfish nature showing through once again. I snorted derisively and clenched the phone until my knuckles hurt. "Well, that's just great. I hope you have fun on your little 'vision quest.' Don't forget to write so you can tell me more wonderful stories about how my life is such a fucking joke to you."

I slammed down the phone without waiting for a reply.

She was dead to me.

My stomach was in so many knots that it caused me to double over in pain. I felt like I was going to be sick. I ran to the dark bathroom and my knees hit the cool linoleum as I fell in front of the toilet, retching up the meager lunch I'd had along with all the sickness in my stomach brought on by my mother's phone call.

I cried and moaned miserably as my stomach clenched and heaved, unable to stop even after there was nothing left. I wiped my mouth and flushed the toilet before falling back against the cold wall behind me. I curled in on myself and clenched my hair in my hands as I shook and sobbed.

My life was a joke. My entire existence was a mockery. My own mother didn't want me, had never wanted me. My father had never once let on that he'd had to force her to be here, to have me and keep me.

I hated them both in that moment.

I hated her for being such a cold and heartless bitch. I hated her for telling me things that no parent should ever reveal to their child. I hated her for stealing the only mother I'd ever known, only to replace her with a replica of the woman who'd pretended for twenty-one years.

I hated my father for being with someone like her in the first place. I hated him for knocking her up and forcing her to keep me. I hated him for marrying her and making her stay here where she wasn't happy. I hated him because he couldn't protect me from this person she'd become, and I hated him most of all for bringing me into the world with someone who could do what she'd just done to our family.

I hated the fucking world for not giving me a fucking break.

I gripped my hair harder and harder, pulling on it with my clenched fists. I wanted to pull all of it out as I screamed and screamed and screamed until this pain wasn't pulling on my chest like claws anymore.

That was when the idea took shape. My body stopped shaking as my resolve set in. I dried my face and stood up to wash my mouth out in the sink. I didn't even bother to look at myself in the mirror as I headed back to the kitchen on a mission.

I sifted through the junk drawer until I found what I was looking for and headed upstairs. In my bedroom, I found the CD I wanted and put it on. I cranked the volume and headed for the bathroom with every intention of following through with this.

The words before the song filled the silent air and I stared at myself in the mirror as I said them right along with her: _**"You break my heart into a thousand pieces and you say it's because I deserve better?"**_

Anger twisted my face and I held up the first hunk of hair, cutting it cleanly from my head as the music began pounding against the walls. I screamed along with them, feeling the catharsis of the moment fill me.

"_I see my reflection and the pain across me as I find myself striving to catch you from_

_This will hurt me less and less every time until I feel nothing_

_Anger wells inside me_

_I see me, frowning in your eyes_

_Slip away_

_Far away from me_

_Further from me_

_You seem to drift far away_

_Caught myself wishing you back as I strive for you..."_

I held up another piece of hair and hacked at it with the dull kitchen scissors. Half my hair was lying in a pile on the ground, and a dark sense of satisfaction filled me. I kept chopping away until I had only a few inches of hair on my head.

The next step was obvious.

I drove back to the grocery store wearing a hat. I tossed my purchase on the conveyor belt and pointedly ignored the gaping stare from the very same cashier who'd helped me earlier. I bought the box of hair dye and returned home to get to work.

Thirty minutes later, I stared at myself in the mirror. I had a short black pixie cut; it was ragged and cracked-out looking, but I felt as if the weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders.

_I no longer resembled my mother_.

Everyone always exclaimed over how much we looked alike with our long brown hair, and I never wanted anyone to compare me to her ever again.

I examined myself critically now that my anger was assuaged and my sanity had returned. I looked exhausted and washed out. My eyes were swollen and red, and my skin was deathly pale. I looked traumatized, starved for the love I no longer felt existed.

I needed this day to be over, so I took a long hot shower and let the water cover my tears. I cried brokenly, hunched in on myself against the shower wall. I didn't bother to shampoo my hair or wash myself in any way, with the exception of the tears.

I swore to myself there and then that this would be the last time I would waste my tears on my mother. After tonight, after this very moment, I would no longer allow her to hurt me again. Her words were meaningless now, and her selfishness would not affect me any longer.

After the water started to run cold, I turned it off and stepped out of the tub. I was shaky with exhaustion, both physical and mental. I toweled off and headed for my bedroom, grateful for the small fact that my hair was so short that I wouldn't need to blow dry it before I went to sleep.

I fell into my bed and curled in on myself, willing this day to end. I didn't bother to put on some pajamas or even pull the blankets up to cover myself; I just laid there and allowed the world to go dark as I drifted off into dark emptiness.


	12. Stalemate

**A/N: ...I got nothin'**

**I saw DoG on the list of nominations for the Indie Awards. To which I say "WOOOOOT!!" Thank you for getting it there. I really think I could rub your feet for that. Well, unless you have icky feet. Then I'm just gonna send you a nice fruit basket instead. **

**Oh, and Adrena. I love you. I'm hoping you won't stay sick much longer. **

**Now let's tune in to the regular scheduled program, shall we? **

BPOV

The alarm on my phone jarred me awake from a deep and dreamless sleep. My muscles were stiff and sore, and as I sat up in bed, I realized my head felt like it was full of sand. I rose off the mattress and shuffled into the bathroom without opening my eyes all the way. I stood in front of the mirror and felt a small shock at the reflection staring back at me.

It wasn't like I'd forgotten the fact that my hair was now mainly in a pile in the bathroom trashcan, but the shock of seeing so little of it still on my head was enough to wake me up the rest of the way without my morning cup of orange juice. I rubbed my hand across the short strands and watched them fall tightly back against my scalp. The inky black color _did _seem to flatter my milky white skin, but I couldn't be bothered to really care in the wake of recalling the events that had led up to my impromptu homemade makeover last night.

I grit my teeth as I ran water in the sink to wash my face, determined to forget my selfish bitch of a mother. I didn't know how I'd get past it right now, but I was sure I could find some way to forget the way she'd managed to singlehandedly steal the joy out of most of my childhood memories in one short phone call.

Well, fuck her. I didn't need someone like her in my life. I had Emily and Leah, Jake and Sam...I had my friends who were more family than my own _blood_.

I didn't have to answer to Renee anymore.

As I splashed the hot water across my face flushed with anger, I chanted "fuck her, fuck her, fuck her" over and over in my head. I couldn't drown out her words, however, so I stomped back to the bedroom and flipped on my stereo to use my music to improve my mood. Every Time I Die blasted from my speakers and I bobbed my head as I headed back to the bathroom with every intention of making my new hairdo look better than I felt inside.

An hour later, I was dressed and ready to go. I wore my favorite Killswitch Engage t-shirt, along with my black Dickies capri pants and a pair of slip-on black canvas shoes. I snagged my hoodie from the coat tree by the door to wear in the air conditioned classroom. My car keys clinked against my white and black studded belt from their place on my belt loop as I grabbed my backpack and headed for the door.

I was all too eager to leave my empty house behind.

As I tore off down the road toward school, I looked forward to the speeches that would be taking place in class today. I didn't need a crystal ball to know Edward planned to address the issue of abortion. I felt a savage grin cross my face as I mentally prepared a couple of questions I hoped would get us into a lively debate.

My own subject was something I felt needed a lot of attention: animal rights laws. There were still so many states that had no laws regarding the treatment of farm animals, and I found that preposterous. There should be no difference between the protection of family pets and animals exploited for food.

I knew my topic would bore most of the class to tears, but maybe they'd actually learn something while I was up there with all my facts and stories.

I neared the turn off for the school and slowed my truck to make the turn. I saw Edward climbing out of his nifty little shiny Volvo and sneered to myself as I took in his appearance: shiny black dress shoes, black slacks, charcoal gray button-down dress shirt, and a tie. He looked like a young business executive, and I almost had a brain aneurysm when he pulled his black briefcase/laptop carrying case from the back seat of his car.

My eyes greedily devoured the lean lines of his body as he straightened up and began walking toward the school. He may look like a stuffy suit in that get up, but a large part of my subconscious (and a tiny bit of my conscious mind) couldn't help but imagine my hands ripping all that fabric off his body to reveal the toned and inked flesh that I knew could be found beneath those prim and proper layers.

Just as I was almost lost in a daydream consisting of Toneward wearing nothing but a microphone as I wore that stupid tie, I roared to a stop right as he crossed out into my path. Thankfully, it jerked me out of that ridiculous and highly unlikely scenario, for which I was eternally grateful. I honked my horn and he looked up at me with curiosity. His expression went from curiosity to confusion, and then on to shock as his eyes scanned my appearance through the windshield separating us. I honked again before making a sweeping motion with my hand so he would take the hint and move out of the way.

I was in no mood to put up with young upwardly-mobile Suitward today. He may make me think all sorts of dirty thoughts, but I needed my wits about me so I could get through this day...and all the days afterward, until my heart and head could forget my joke of a family life. This guy was nothing if not a major detriment to my sanity, and I couldn't let him wriggle his way through to undermine my self-control.

He clenched his jaw in irritation and swung back around to head toward the front of the school without a backward glance. I heaved a relieved sigh and swung my old trap of a truck into a parking spot across from Edward's car. I slammed the door and stalked into the school with a major chip on my shoulder; I hoped that would be enough to dissuade him from making any more small talk that would soften me up.

When I reached the classroom, I tossed my bag on the floor and slumped down into my chair. I had my hood over my head and a red beanie covering my mutilated hair, so I knew Edward couldn't have noticed my new lack of long hair. I could still feel his eyes on me, however, so I turned in my chair and glared over at him. He looked taken aback by the change in me from last night, but I shook off the sense of real regret that filled me. "What are you looking at?" I hissed under my breath so no one else would overhear.

His eyes narrowed and he returned my glare. "I was trying to figure out what _your _problem is," he replied in a harsh whisper. "You look like..."

Never one to delay the inevitable, I pushed my hood off my head and yanked the hat off. I rubbed a hand over my hair, messing it up to make it look deliberately choppy and carefree. I wanted to _feel _carefree, but all I felt was...choppy. I felt like I was full of sharp blades and bleeding edges, and I wanted it to end. My eyes met Edward's again and this time, he looked shocked. I glowered at him and dared him to say something.

He opened his mouth to speak, but Professor Allan walked in and class began before I could find out what he was about to say. I spent the beginning of class toying self-consciously with the uneven chunks of hair around my left ear as I continued to feel Edward's stare on me. The speeches began and I waited impatiently for my turn, because it was painfully obvious that the trend in class would be focusing on legalizing marijuana or criminalizing gay marriage. _Psh_.

I held my breath, only releasing it when my name was called and I could distance myself from his disturbing presence. I walked to the front of the class and mussed my hair once more, hoping it didn't look too horrible. I hunched my shoulders in as I noticed some people openly gawking at me, and a couple girls even snickering and whispering behind their hands to each other.

Call me paranoid, but I knew they were talking about me, and it didn't please me at all. I cleared my throat and held up my note cards to begin my speech. "Okay, so my topic was on animal cruelty laws. In most cases, the anti-cruelty laws deal with domestic animals kept as pets. In California..."

Most of the kids were tuned out before I even reached my first points, but my eyes locked on Edward's and I saw a glint of something in his eyes that kept me motivated throughout my speech. I wanted to know what his thoughts were concerning my topic, but I knew instinctively that he would not be showing any open support of my speech.

So it surprised me when he clapped after I finished speaking. The rest of the class gave the typical half-assed attempts at clapping, but not Edward; no, he sat up and gave a firm round of applause as I gaped at him with a furrowed brow.

This guy had some nerve, knocking me off-kilter with his unexpected actions. I grumbled as I made my way back to my seat and dropped down into it without looking at him. I felt him lean over to me and every tiny hair on my body stood as goosebumps broke out over my skin. His warm breath ghosted over my ear as he murmured, "Good speech."

I squeezed my eyes shut and pushed my reaction to him away before jerking my head around to look at him. "Is that Edward or Tony speaking?" I shot back. I pulled my hood up, slumped down into my chair, and crossed my arms over my chest.

He didn't say anything in response, and I was glad. I wasn't prepared for the guilt that seeped into my stomach at my rude behavior, but I also wasn't prepared for the draw I felt toward him. He stood for so many things I was against, and I just couldn't see how I could get past that.

The next speaker had me bored to tears as he talked about prison reform. I wanted to tear the rest of my hair out as he spoke about the flower gardens and stun guns replacing weight rooms and sharp-shooting rifles in prisons across the country. I knew it would matter to some people, but it just wasn't my fight.

When Edward's name was called, I was prepared to take it easy on him. I already felt horrible about earlier, and I didn't want to upset him further without provocation.

But then he began talking, and I found my ears glued to his every word. I found myself nodding as if I understood on certain points until I realized it and pulled myself back to think about my earlier arguments.

After the allotted amount of time for his speech, he began wrapping it up and I sat on my hands impatiently, waiting for the moment when Allan would open it up for discussion.

"I really don't think abortion _should _be regulated by the government; too many women use it as a form of birth control. Too many people forget that sex should be something meaningful and significant to both parties...not just something that happens one night after one too many drinks," Edward explained to the class as he finished his presentation.

I scoffed in disgust and shot my hand into the air as Professor Allan finally invited the discussion. I saw Edward look at me with a tense expression while Mr. A practically rubbed his hands together in glee; obviously Eddie boy couldn't hang with a good debate. I grinned almost maniacally and kept my hand straight up until he gave in and pointed to me. "Go ahead," he said dismissively, barely making eye contact with me.

"Oh, I _will_. How can you just dismiss the large population of women who get abortions due to pregnancies that were a result of something that wasn't their choice?" I demanded.

Edward pinched the bridge of his nose and I sat back in my desk, ready to hear him tap dance his way around _that_.

He dropped his hand and looked right at me. "It is not my intention to say that women who have been the victim of rape or incest should suffer the consequences of another person's actions. However, there is an innocent life in the equation that cannot be easily dismissed; there are always options that do not require killing the fetus."

I was prepared with a comeback. "But you say 'innocent life' only in reference to the child; what about the mother? Is she not an 'innocent life?' Why should _she_ be required to suffer the consequences of someone else's actions?"

Edward stepped toward me and I could see his eyes begin to burn. _Good_. My pulse began to race as I heard his reply: "A woman can choose whatever she wants to; my issue is with the government regulating these practices and thus condoning the murder of these innocent lives."

I sat forward in my desk as my eyes bored into his. "So you think it's better to send an _innocent _woman to the back alleys of Mexico to get a potentially fatal procedure?"

He took another step closer to me. "What I _think _is that these women could take it as a sign from God that they should perhaps give birth to the child and give it to a family who would love and care for the child."

I slapped my hands on the desk and half-stood. "You mean you think these women, or _God forbid_, girls should suffer in silence, to give their bodies over to a decision that was made _for _them so that some nameless, faceless family to whom they owe _nothing _should have the gift of a child borne from rape?"

Edward's eyes were locked on mine and I was waiting for his response when I heard Professor Allan clear his throat and announce that class was dismissed. I took a deep breath and looked around when I realized that I'd completely lost all sense of time and place while I'd been so fired up.

Edward looked like he'd just surfaced as well. I narrowed my eyes and shot him a glare, but he ignored me as he turned to gather his things. I decided I wasn't finished _discussing _this issue with him, so I grabbed my things and followed him out of the classroom. "Hey, Cullen!" I yelled after him.

Edward stopped and turned with a disdainful expression on his face. "What?" he demanded shortly.

I sneered. "I think we should continue this debate. Right now."

He looked at his watch and released a long-suffering sigh. "I don't really think..."

"Hey," I said, cutting him off, "if you can't _handle _a little friendly debate, then that's fine."

His face moved from impassive boredom to indignant disbelief in a split second. "Is this what you call a 'friendly debate?' I'm willing to bet there are vipers that aren't as vicious as you when you're like this."

I nearly choked. "Fucking finish this now, or I'm going to tell Northwest Hardcore boards Tony Masen's a fuckin' Planned Parenthood pipe bomber."

His eyes widened and I knew I'd gone too far. _Fuck_.

His hand shot out and gripped mine, not enough to cause pain, but enough to convey his fury and disgust as he dragged me down the hall to the vacant classroom on the left. We'd stopped in here the first time I confronted him about his split personality. He pushed me inside and I saw him look up and down the hallway before he slammed the door and locked it, effectively closing us in. I swallowed in an attempt to wet my suddenly parched throat. "Uhh..listen..."

He spun around and glared at me. I stepped back and shot my eyes to the door behind him, wondering if I could make a quick escape. "No, you listen to _me_." He advanced with his finger pointing at me. "_You _followed me after class to continue attacking _me_. This is not my issue, Bella. This is _your _issue. You have a freaking issue with everything I do or say, unless it fits into the little close-minded views you have of the world. Your problems are NOT my problems, and I really wish you'd stop trying to make them such."

I felt the anger and indignation churning in my stomach at his words. "Of _course _I have a fucking problem with you! How can you be such a fucking hypocrite? How can you just sit there and spout off a bunch of right-wing _bullshit _during the day and then turn around and rock out about the very things that conservatives fight against?" I demanded with a face mottled red with rage.

He was about a foot away from me now, and I could see the pulse pounding in his neck. I was almost hypnotized by the anger in him. "Do you have any idea what you're even talking about, Swan? You're the hypocrite if you can't see the parallels between my beliefs."

I met his eyes. "What the _fuck _are you even talking about?" I yelled.

He stepped closer and the spicy smell I'd noticed the day at the tattoo shop hit my senses immediately. His scent served to remind me that underneath his stupid fucking tie and button-down shirt laid a freaking heartbreakingly delectable body covered in ink. My mouth felt like a dried up sponge.

"Being vegan is all about protecting the life of the innocent, correct? It's about rallying against the exploitation of beings who cannot speak for themselves; it's about fighting for what you know is _right_. By being a vegan, I'm going against popular opinion, but I do it anyway because I believe that animals shouldn't be treated like they don't matter. It's the same thing as abortion. Think about it: aren't abortion clinics basically doing the same thing as a slaughterhouse?"

I gaped at him as my brain came to a screeching halt. "We're not 'slaughtering' babies for mass consumption...we're giving a woman the ability to choose what happens to her body!"

He rocked back on his heels and twisted his mouth into a smirk. "Sure, but at the very bottom of all of that, it's still the same mentality. We aren't thinking about the animals or the unborn babies as anything that should matter as much as our own lives. We're simply doing what we want without taking into consideration the way things could be done differently. It's destroying one life at a time."

"There's still an enormous difference between forcing a woman to suffer through an unwanted pregnancy and killing animals for food. We're not exploiting the aborted babies."

He shook his head and bent his face closer to mine, as if he were about to drive a point home. "Shit happens in this world, Bella. I'm not saying it's fair, and I'm not saying it's right...but what I _am _saying is that two wrongs don't make it right. Raping a woman is a disgustingly reprehensible thing, but so is murder. Killing the unborn child who had nothing to do with the action of the father does _not _undo the original wrongdoing. And don't forget about the stem cell research that is done on aborted fetuses," he added as he stuck his hands in his pockets and rocked back on his heels.

I was at a loss for words, but then something bubbled up and I felt a wave of the now-familiar anger swell inside my chest. "Well, let's not forget women like my 'mother.' Maybe if she hadn't fucking fucked my father, he wouldn't have knocked her up and she wouldn't be such a selfish bitch of a mom. Women like her _should _have kids ripped from them."

He stood there in silence, looking completely shocked. I swallowed the bile in my throat and tried to pretend I hadn't just let all of that come spewing from me. My eyes dropped from his face to stare dejectedly at the toes of my canvas sneakers.

I stayed that way until I felt his hand grip my upper arm gently; he pulled me toward the door and I stumbled behind him, completely unaware of our surroundings as we walked down the hall and toward the side entrance of the small building that housed our community college.

Sunlight speared through the glass on the doors as he shoved one side open and pulled me out into the warm day. I looked up to see a small garden with a bench situated right outside of an arched structure painted white. It had roses and some other purple flowers climbing along it, and I kept my eyes glued to it while he sat us both down on the bench.

I refused to look at him, but that didn't stop him from speaking. He sighed heavily and released my arm before scrubbing a hand over his face. "Bella, what's going on with you?" he asked wearily.

His words released the hard knot of emotion inside me, and the tears began to fall. I couldn't speak, but I could cry. I felt the wetness slide down my cheeks as I sat next to Edward feeling like the world's biggest pile of shit.

He didn't speak again; instead, he merely sat next to me in the quiet garden without another word. I inwardly cringed when I feared he would try to physically comfort me in some way, but I needn't have worried, because he kept his hands firmly in his lap while I cried myself out.

Finally, I took a deep breath and wiped my eyes. He silently handed me a handkerchief and I wiped my eyes and nose with it. I shook my head at the fact that he carried around a monogrammed hanky while I considered my bandanna the closest thing I'd ever come to this fine square of soft fabric with his initials on it. I balled it up and stuck it in my pocket, completely unwilling to return it to him with my snot and eye make up all over it. "Thanks," I mumbled uncomfortably.

He nodded shortly and I hunched over again, my fisted hands shoved deep into my hoodie pockets. My eyes scanned the garden as I gathered my thoughts. I wasn't sure I could bring myself to tell Edward things that I had yet to even explain to my closest friends and family...and yet, something about confiding in him here and now just felt..._right_.

I sniffled and glanced at him out of the corner of my eye. He was looking straight ahead at the roses and I was relieved. "So...?" he prodded helpfully.

Deciding to go for it, I opened my big mouth and began to spill all the shit that had happened in the past few months. I began by explaining the small signs I'd noticed in the beginning, such as the blankets on the couch and the tense relations between my parents.

"I don't think they even looked at each other the last time we ate together. Charlie, my dad, was so busy talking about a new fishing rod and my mother...I mean, _Renee_, just started to ignore him and I should have known then," I told him.

He turned his head slightly toward me and encouraged me to continue. "What else happened?" he asked.

I racked my brain and sighed. "Well, she used to cook the typical meals. I mean, I'm the only vegan in my family, and they used to eat the standard diet of meat, cheese, and carbs. Then one day, completely out of the blue, Renee comes home and declares herself a vegetarian. My dad was completely confused, but he thought it must have been my influence. I knew better, because she kept talking about it in this very Eastern religion-type way. She stopped cooking for him, but he tried to be supportive. He ate salad for dinner and never complained, but I could tell he wasn't happy."

Edward nodded and looked up at me. "Yeah, my dad would think life wasn't worth living without his steak and baked potatoes," he said with a shake of his head. A corner of my mouth twisted in sympathy before he urged me to go on.

"Well, anyway, things were just really shitty, but I was so lost in my own world that I didn't bother to notice or care. I should have been prepared for what happened, but I just wasn't," I went on.

"What happened?" he asked gently.

I let out a disgusted snort and stared at a small ant crawling over the toe of my shoe. "She left. Just like that. One day when I came home from class, she told me she'd never meant to have me and that she needed to leave. I was _so _angry at her, but what was I supposed to do? Beg her to stay? I don't think so."

Edward looked upset. "She told you she never meant to _have you_?" he asked, shocked.

I nodded miserably, glad he sounded just as shocked as I felt.

He was silent for a time. "When did this happen?" he asked finally.

I felt a knife twist in my gut. "The night of your last show," I replied quietly without looking at him.

I heard him curse savagely under his breath before he tried to speak. "Bella, listen, I..."

My hand shot up to stop him. "Forget it. I don't wanna fuckin' know. All I know is that my mom is a complete bitch, and I hope I never hear from her again after last night."

His eyes sought mine and I tried not to absorb the feelings I saw swirling in their depths. "What happened last night?" he asked.

I folded my hands together and tightened them until the knuckles were white. I turned them inside out and heard my knuckles pop before I dropped them back into my lap and turned to him. "She called." I replied shortly.

"...and?" he prompted.

I looked over my shoulder and swallowed the bile rising in my throat. "She's at some New Age-y place in Arizona, probably smoking pot and boning her 'guru.'" I said snidely.

Edward sighed and I bit my lip as the pain of my mother's words came pouring back to me. "She told me she'd never planned on getting pregnant with me. She never wanted to marry my father or be a mom, and she told me that she'd only stuck around so long because my dad made her. I have no idea how he could have possibly _forced _her into staying, but it doesn't matter because I hate him for it, just as much as I hate her for being such a selfish cunt who can't keep her mouth shut."

I heard his sharp intake of breath and assumed it was from my harsh language. "Sorry, but it's true. She's a fucking cunt."

Edward's dark eyes met mine and he looked like he wanted to say more, but instead he settled for: "You hate your father now, too?"

I nodded emphatically. "If what she said is true, then he kept her here all these years. I had a mother who was _forced to mother me_."

My heart throbbed painfully at my own words, and I wished that I could be alone again as I tried to ignore Edward's discomfiting presence.

"Have you talked to him about any of this?" he asked.

I shook my head. "He's always gone these days, and even if he wasn't, it's not exactly like I can go up to him and strike up a conversation on how he managed to keep my mother here all along."

We lapsed into silence after that, and I wondered again for the millionth time why he was here with me. I had just decided to ask when he began to speak.

"I know how you must feel. My mother died three years ago, and when she left us, it was like my father disappeared, too."

I gasped and turned to look at him, but it was now his turn to look away. I wanted to comfort him in some way, but I felt uneasy and awkward, so I kept my hands to myself. "What...happened?" I finally asked.

His words were quiet and I had to strain my ears to hear him. "She died of cancer. I'm not telling you this so you'll feel sorry for me; I'm telling you this so you can know that I know what it feels like to be left behind by someone you love."

Part of my heart twisted in agony over his loss, but another part of me pulled back and huffed in irritation. "Yeah, but it's different, really..." I said.

He looked at me and frowned. "How is it any different?"

I could tell he was feeling touchy now. The blood zinged in my veins as I sat up straighter and looked a him. "Because your mom didn't _choose _to leave you. Mine did."

His shoulders slumped and he turned away from me again. I watched as he ran a hand through his short coppery hair, messing it up a bit. "You don't know that," he mumbled without looking at me.

I jumped up from the bench and stood over him with my hands clenched into fists at my sides. "I _do _know that! She chose to leave me because she'd never wanted me in the first place! I was just some fucking mistake that ruined her life and made her miserable for twenty-one years. At least _your _mom didn't make a joke out of all your happy memories of her before she left _you_."

Edward shot up off the bench and towered over me. His face was like an angry thunder cloud. "You don't think that I know what it feels like to be abandoned? To relive those happy memories in my mind, only to find that they aren't as happy as they once were? They'll never be happy again, because she's _gone _and it doesn't _matter _if she chose to leave me or not. She left!"

Something ugly twisted inside of me. "I wish she'd died. At least then I wouldn't ever know how unwanted I really am," I declared savagely.

"_Don't say that!_" Edward shouted over me. My head jerked up and my wet eyes met his. "Don't say that you wish your mom was dead. My mom _is _dead, and I would give _anything _to have her still here. Your mom may not love you, but that doesn't mean you don't still love her. Don't let her fucking ruin you."

I watched his chest heaving with emotion and I wondered why he even cared. "Your mother left loving you and your father, Edward. _My _mother left despising me and my father. She didn't give a shit about us. She just wanted to be a fuckin' hippy in the desert without any inconvenient family members holding her back."

"Is that why you did what you did to your hair?" he asked.

I brushed a hand over my shortened locks and turned away. "I needed the change."

"Oh, good! You're both still here. I wanted to talk to you two about something before the end of class, but things ran a little too long and I figured you'd already left," Professor Allan said as he approached us from the far entrance of the garden.

I turned my back on Edward and watched the professor approach us without any awareness for the tension in the air. I felt Edward straighten his tie and clear his throat before Allan reached us.

"Bella, your new haircut suits you; you remind me of a brunette Mia Farrow in _Rosemary's Baby_," he said with a smile on his face. I snorted and tried to hide my eye roll at his strange complement.

Edward shot me a warning glance and I shrugged. He turned back to the professor and shook his hand. "What did you want to speak to us about?" he asked politely.

Professor Allan grabbed a handkerchief from his pocket and blotted his sweaty brow. He shoved it back into his pocket and set his briefcase down. "Well, as you may know, I only work for the college part-time. The rest of the time, I teach history and government over at the high school."

Edward nodded, obviously aware of this. I just stared at the teacher and silently urged him to get on with it. He must have sensed this, because he went on. "Well, the high school is hosting a short trip to Washington DC for kids who are interested, and we need some volunteer chaperones."

I straighted up and looked at him with interest.

"The school would pay for your airfare and hotel rooms, naturally. We usually encourage parents to come on these trips, but we had an unusually difficult time trying to meet our need this summer. I know it may not be an ideal way to spend your weekend, but I was hoping you'd come anyway. You are both very bright and passionate students, and your interest in politics is what caused me to ask you to accompany us on this trip," he finished.

Edward appeared to be deep in thought, but I smiled at Professor Allan and said, "I'd love to. When is it?"

He looked pleased, and I felt myself beginning to like him a little bit. He obviously wasn't playing favorites here, because if he was going to do that, he wouldn't have asked me; I'm not on his political team. "That would be wonderful, Isabella. We're going in three weeks, over Labor Day weekend."

Edward's eyes met mine and I remembered then that OCS had already announced that they would be playing Bumbershoot this year.

I relaxed my tense shoulders at the realization that I wouldn't have to deal with Edward and my unwilling attraction to him while on this trip. In my mind, that only further sealed the deal.

"I would love to help you, Professor, but unfortunately I have some commitments to see to that weekend," Edward told him regretfully.

The professor nodded his head in understanding, but he looked somewhat crestfallen. "It's a shame, really; I was depending on both of you coming so that you could hold up each end of the political debate. My high school kids just don't get into it the way you two do."

I bit my lip and avoided looking at Edward, because I was suddenly reminded of how we'd very nearly come to blows earlier when I'd cornered him after class.

I couldn't help it; Edward just made me feel so much _more _than I'd ever felt before. My passion and temper ran a thousand degrees hotter whenever I was near him, and it never failed to infuriate me.

"Well, Miss Swan, I will look forward to having you along on the trip. I'll bring you the information next week so you can get familiar with the itinerary and such," Allan told me as he swiped at his beaded brown once more.

I nodded and bent down to pick up my backpack, ready to make a hasty retreat. I didn't want any awkward goodbyes after what had just happened here before the professor showed up. "Um, well, I guess I'll be going. I'll see you next week," I said as I waved vaguely at the two men standing there.

Professor Allan waved back cheerfully before turning back to Edward. I heard him strike up a conversation about golfing with Edward's dad, but I stopped listening.

Until I reached the front of the school, I felt Edward's eyes on my back.

I wish I could say it was a bad feeling, but I would be lying to myself.


	13. The Thaw

**A/N: ZOMG! I fucking forgot to put a warning before the last chapter, because it dealt with some very emotional and potentially upsetting/offensive issues. This chapter follows up the previous one, so this one also needs a warning. **

**Announcement! **

**Delusions has been nominated for three different categories in the Indie Awards! You guys rock. I mean really. Like I seriously spent the entire day all flushed and excited about it. You'd think I was 12 and going to my first N Sync concert all over again (or, like, I mean, I wouldn't ever go to a N Sync concert, psssssh... fuck! Okay, so what if I did? I was TWELVE!!!) Anyway, voting is open now so I hope you all go and vote for my baby here. It'd make me so happy, you don't even know. But even if I don't win, I'm just way stoked and honored to even be nominated, so thank you. Thank you. **

**LOVE YOU ADRENA!!!!! **

**Disclaimer: This story does not necessarily reflect my own personal beliefs. If you are curious as to my own beliefs, please feel free to PM me and I would be happy to share. **

**Alas, we are now ready for the chapter... here we go! **

CPOV

The sunlight peeked through the lacy curtains covering the window across from Esme's bed, causing me to stir from a deeply satisfying slumber. Just as I sat up to rub the sleep from my eyes, I heard the door creak open to reveal Esme holding a tray laden with food. "Hey there, Dr. Sleepy," she greeted me with a smile.

She was breathtaking.

I squinted and smiled back at her. "Hi. How long have you been up?" I asked. After my long shift at the hospital, I'd come straight here to apologize to Esme for missing our date scheduled for last night. She understood, just as I'd hoped she would, but I still felt like a heel. I was so exhausted that she offered to take a nap with me, and I couldn't turn her down.

So...here I was, half-naked, in Esme's bed. She was standing in the doorway, looking like a breath of fresh air, and I felt as if I hadn't taken a deep breath in three long years.

After all, she was a beautiful, intelligent, and entirely unattached woman in her prime. She could have anyone, and yet...she'd chosen me, even with all my faults: my demanding job, my broken heart, and even my confusing relationship with my son. Somehow she managed to see past all of that, and I was grateful.

When Elizabeth died, I thought I would never love again. I had resigned myself to a lifetime of loneliness and pain without my beautiful and loving wife. I knew that realistically, I would probably resort to a physical relationship with someone someday because...well, men have needs, and I wasn't sure I could live the rest of my life alone without any human companionship.

But then...then I met Esme, and she was so patient and understanding that I found myself craving her presence while all other women seemed like shallow cardboard cutouts. Something about her just soothed me and made me feel like more of a man than I had in a long time.

Because of our faith, I was hesitant to move forward with our physical relationship. Esme hadn't always been a Christian, and I knew she considered herself more liberal than people might expect; after all, she had been married to Pastor Smith, but she claimed he knew and accepted her for who she was. I couldn't argue with him about that, because Esme was a wonderful human being with a beautiful heart...I could never imagine frowning upon her for _anything_.

The real concern for me was that I hadn't been with anyone since Elizabeth, and I was kind of...afraid. What if I couldn't perform? What if I couldn't please her? She was rapidly becoming someone incredibly important to me, and I couldn't stand the thought of not being everything she needed.

"Carlisle?" Esme asked.

I was stirred from my thoughts by her voice. "Yes?"

She smiled playfully. "Penny for your thoughts."

I scrubbed a hand down my face and looked at my lap. "I was just thinking..."

"About?" she prodded.

I shifted uncomfortably. "Ahh...about sex...with...you." There, I said it. I was a horrible communicator, but Esme always encouraged me to speak up, and right now, I felt like an honest-to-God fool.

I looked at her out of the corner of my eye and saw her laughing under her breath. "Well, then, what are we waiting for?" she replied saucily.

My eyes went wide as she pushed my shoulders back onto the bed. She climbed over me and leaned down to kiss me, and I was lost in her presence. "Um, what if..." I trailed off, unable to voice my fears.

She sat up and laid a finger against my lips. "Shhh...we're both adults, Carlisle. We've both been married and widowed. I think we're both able to handle this like consenting adults."

About an hour later, the house was quiet and Esme was lying languidly in my arms. My phone beeped and I sighed, hoping it wasn't the hospital. I reluctantly released the woman in my arms and reached for the offending piece of technology to see a missed call and message from Edward.

"_Hey Dad, it's me. I was just wondering if you were going to be home any time this week_."

Edward's voice held a hint of bitterness, but underneath that, I detected fear. I couldn't understand why he was so angry all the time, but I certainly hoped he would find some way to welcome Esme into our lives...because if I had anything to say about it, she wouldn't be going anywhere.

I looked at Esme and saw her concerned face. "Is everything okay?" she asked.

"I missed a call from Edward. I guess I didn't realize how long it's been since I've been home," I told her.

She was quiet and I wondered what she was thinking. Was she bothered by how Edward had treated her when she'd come over for dinner? I knew she was an understanding person, but all of this was new to me, to us, and I didn't want anything to ruin it...especially my cranky son.

I supposed she might regret what we'd just done, but I sincerely hoped not. Without a doubt, I knew exactly what I wanted with Esme and I knew I needed her in my life.

I decided it was time to show Esme that I was serious about her and that I wanted to be with her...hopefully forever. I put my phone back down on the bedside table and stood up to get dressed. When she grumbled in protest and tried to grab my arm to drag me back to bed, I laughed and felt a light joy filling my heart. "Will you have dinner with me tonight?" I asked.

She sighed and let go of my arm. "Of course. Should I dress up?"

I grinned when I thought of what I had in mind for her tonight. "Most definitely. I'll be by at seven."

With a kiss, I left her to return home for a shower and a change of clothes.

EPOV

I found my mind wandering to Bella several times over the course of the next week. I couldn't help thinking about how much she'd gone through with her mother, and how poorly she was handling it. Her appearance on Saturday morning had been drastically different than the way she looked at the store the night before.

After our argument in the vacant classroom, I realized something about Bella that I hadn't seen before: she was suffering...perhaps even more than I ever had.

When I saw her on Saturday in the parking lot, something had changed, and I couldn't guess what it could have been. Her entire demeanor spoke of something that was tearing her apart, and I found myself wanting to ask her about it.

Something huge had happened, and that was made painfully obvious when she removed her hat and hood to reveal her chopped-off hair. Her usually vibrant brown eyes were dull and distant while her luminous skin appeared pallid and sickly. Her appealing features were drawn in misery and exhaustion, if the purple bags beneath her eyes were anything to go by.

I'd looked much the same in the months following my mother's death, so I could see the similarities.

After class, while we argued, I asked myself why she looked so tired, sick, and sad beneath all that righteous indignation.

As we'd argued heatedly, our voices echoing off the walls of the vacant classroom, I could see the pain ripping her apart...and I had no idea why, until she said something that shocked me deeply.

"_Well, let's not forget women like my 'mother.' Maybe if she hadn't fucking fucked my father, he wouldn't have knocked her up and she wouldn't be such a selfish bitch of a mom. Women like her should have kids ripped from them."_

I _felt _the searing pain in her words, and it resonated with me in a place that I hadn't been able to share with anyone in the years since my mother's death. I saw her anger and attitude for what it was: a cover, a mask, a way to hide herself from the people around her. I mean, sure, she had a problem with communicating effectively, but I couldn't blame her. I hadn't exactly been the most patient or level-headed person around her, either. I knew from Seth that Bella was usually a lot happier, and now I could see there was a reason for all her anger.

All of this led me to another realization: I wanted to give her my understanding, my sympathy. I wanted to help her.

I wanted her to know she wasn't alone.

Our time in the garden was a revelation for me, and I felt really horrible for all the things Bella was going through. I knew it must be devastating to have lost her mom in such a selfish and cruel way.

While I opened up to Bella in the garden, she got upset. It didn't surprise me, and it didn't offend me. I suddenly felt as if everything was happening for a reason, and I couldn't deny that I could see the hand of God in all of this.

Obviously, my mother's death and my being in this class with Bella wasn't all just so I could help her...but maybe everything that I'd gone through had made me the person who _could _help her. Everything I'd been through with my mother's death and the fallout following it had given me the ability to sympathize with Bella.

Maybe I could help her, and help other people in the process.

I mean, who knows what God's plan is for all of us? Right now, though, I felt like I could see that this was part of His plan for me. I was thrown into this situation with Bella so that I could help her, be there for her, and I suddenly felt like this was my mission.

It made me laugh inside to think of what she'd have to say about my newfound sense of faith in divine intervention, but I didn't care. She was so hardheaded that I would no doubt have to be incredibly subtle about this.

And so, with my faith in mind, I decided to become Bella's friend.

BPOV

It was Friday, and I was skipping school to go to Warped Tour with Leah, Emily, and Jake. Seth rode with the guys in OCS, so we'd meet him there.

We'd left on Thursday after my classes so that we could camp, but Billy and Harry had given us money for a motel and demanded we stay there instead of the campgrounds at The Gorge because they were notoriously unsafe. Leah was embarrassed to take money from her father and father-in-law, but she accepted it with grace after Jake convinced her that he would sleep much better knowing she was safe in a motel.

Ezra was only too happy to hang out with his grandpas, and I wondered if Charlie would be with them this weekend as well.

I was worried about him.

When I'd come home from school on Monday night, Charlie was passed out in his recliner with the television flickering over the empty bottle of scotch in his hand. He hadn't shaved in at least a week from the look of things, and he smelled like the inside of a bar ashtray. There were deep lines of fatigue and anger etched into his handsome face, and I felt my heart break a little.

Damn my mother for doing this to him, to us.

Without waking him, I pulled the afghan from the back of the couch and covered him with it after removing the empty bottle. I turned off the tv and headed upstairs to do my homework in the quiet and empty house.

Charlie may have been here physically, but he wasn't _really _here. His spirit had dissipated, and I knew I wouldn't ever forgive my mother for hurting him so deeply.

My father had always been a handsome, dynamic man. He was quiet and calm, but he could work a room with few words, and he had fantastically loyal friends.

Unfortunately, I could see now how Renee's behavior had affected his friendships with Billy and Harry in the past few years. She would fly off the handle anytime he went off with the guys, claiming she was doing all the work around the house while he acted like a lazy asshole. When he'd try to help her with projects, she'd bite his head off over being underfoot.

It was a no-win situation for him.

I felt my sore heart soften a little as I thought of how much Renee had affected him as well. Perhaps I shouldn't have thought so harshly of him, but I couldn't really help that now. I apologized to him in my head and tried to finish my homework.

Now it was Friday and I was determined to have a good day. I was excited for the trip to DC in a week, and I was looking forward to getting out of the house for a few days.

I realized that I was strangely disappointed Edward wouldn't be there, too...not that I would ever admit that out loud, because who would I tell? Leah still had a little vendetta against Tony, and Emily was remaining mute on the event because she hadn't been there. Jake was caught between Leah's fury and Seth's calm assurance that it was all a big mistake and it would never happen again, so his attitude about it was more uneasy than anything, for which I was grateful.

The last thing I needed was my overprotective brother-from-another-mother going after Edward in a fit of rage.

Eastern Washington was sweltering and dry, and I was eternally grateful for the SPF 50 sunscreen protecting my extremely pale skin. Thankfully, Seth had finagled us some wristbands so that we could be "backstage," which meant that we wouldn't have to stand in line with all the other hot, sweaty people.

The other benefit would be hanging out with Seth, which hopefully meant that I'd finally get to properly meet the rest of the guys from OCS. Whatever my issues with Toneward were, I was still in love with the band and wanted to meet the other members.

I was slathering on my second application of sunscreen when a van pulled up carrying Edward, Seth, and the other two guys. I knew one of them was named Jasper, and the other one was Emmett, but I wasn't sure which was which. Edward was driving, and I saw he had his shirt off. The blond guy sitting in the passenger seat had his phone pressed to his ear and a concerned look on his face. The sliding door came open and the burly drummer climbed out, followed by Seth.

"Hey, Seth! Over here!" Jake yelled as he waved his arms around to get Seth's attention. Seth spotted us and smiled hugely before jogging over to say hello.

"Hey guys, what's up?" he greeted.

We all stood around talking about the drive and the motel, but I watched Edward from the corner of my eye the entire time. Leah, Emily, and Jake still didn't know I knew him as Edward, so I reminded myself to refer to him as Tony for the rest of the day.

Tony climbed out of the van wearing nothing but some dark blue Dickies shorts and some black and white Saucony sneakers. I watched his muscles bunch and release deliciously as he stretched his body. I had to admit to myself that I found him attractive-_incredibly _attractive.

I must've been standing there staring with drool running down my chin, because Leah nudged me and frowned. "What's your issue?" she snapped, obviously wondering why I was checking out the guy who had treated me like shit at the last OCS show.

I felt the embarrassed flush climbing my face. Fuck. "Umm, nothing. I was just...appreciating the scenery," I replied. It was the truth, at least. If you replaced "scenery" with "Tony's naked inked-up chest," that is.

I was a dumbass.

She turned to look at the flat, arid landscape surrounding us. "Um, sure. Whatever you say."

I huffed and turned to look at her. "Well, it's different than Forks. It's flat and _brown _everywhere."

"Hey, you guys wanna meet everyone?" Seth asked us. Jake had already met the rest of the band, but the three of us girls had yet to be introduced.

"Sure," replied Emily. She sounded enthusiastic, but I could see her wary glances at Tony. She probably worried about another scene, but I was determined to be on my best behavior today. I smiled at her reassuringly as we walked over to meet Jasper and Emmett.

The brawny drummer was unloading his cymbals when we reached them, and he turned to us with a curious expression on his face. Seth clapped him on the back and turned to us. "This is Emmett McCarty. Emmett, this is Bella, Leah, and Emily. You already know Jake, obviously."

Emmett gave us all a firm handshake, but I saw his eyes lingering on me. "Nice to meet all of you. Seth talks about you a lot."

I blushed as I remembered the last show. I knew Seth had something to do with Edward showing up at the shop to apologize, but I wasn't sure if Edward had told the rest of the band about how we knew each other. I would be left wondering, however, because I didn't see any way of bringing it up, even on the sly.

The blond guy, Jasper I assumed, was still on his phone, but Seth called out to him anyway. "Hey, Jazz! Everything okay?"

Jasper looked up and saw all of us standing around. He murmured something into the phone and pulled it away from his ear for a moment so he could come over and shake hands. "Hey, what's up?" he said, and I was surprised by his deep voice. I wouldn't have figured he'd have such a Barry White voice with his outward appearance.

He seemed distracted, and he was obviously still on the phone, so Seth waved him off. As he was walking off, I heard him saying "Baby, it's okay. _Please _don't cry. It'll be okay, I promise. I miss you, too. You're only going to be there for another couple weeks, and then I'll pick you up at the airport..."

I looked to Seth and Emmett, who both looked like they felt sorry for Jasper. "What was that about?" I asked, not sure I should even ask.

Emmett sighed and shook his head. "Jasper's girlfriend, Alice, is on the East Coast visiting her dad for the summer. She's apparently miserable because Jasper didn't go with her," he explained.

"Man, I know how it is. When I was in Caustic Riot, I had to leave Leah to go on tour. She hated it," Jake said sympathetically.

Leah hugged Jake around his waist and stood on tip toe to kiss him briefly. "Yeah, but it was just as hard on _you _to be away from _me_."

Emily and I smirked, remembering all the pathetically sappy phone calls Leah would get from Jake during his long weeks away from home. He was whipped, in the most amusing way.

"Hey, Bella," I heard Edward-_Tony_- greet me from behind.

I spun around and gaped up at him. He sounded positively friendly, and I was a little taken aback. "Uh, hey, Tony," I replied.

He was smiling down at me, and it blinded me momentarily. In all the time I'd known Edward, I don't think I'd ever seen him _smile _at me. It was kind of glorious, really.

"I was gonna ask if you have some sunscreen, because I forgot mine and it's too hot. I hate wearing a shirt when it's this hot, you know?"

I gaped at him. "Oh, um, yeah, I do. You don't have to wear a shirt." _Fuck_, did I just say that? _Retard._

He looked like he wanted to laugh, but he bit his lip to keep the smile from showing. I wanted to smack my head at my obviousness, but instead I reached into my messenger bag and removed the bottle of sunscreen. "Here you go," I said as I handed it to him.

He shot me another dazzlingly attractive smile as he flipped the top open and squirted some into his hand. I thought he would leave, but he kept standing with me and talking. "So, how was the ride?" he asked.

I looked around swiftly to see if my friends were paying attention to this, but I was in luck because Emmett and Seth had taken them over to get some water from one of the vendors near the van. I turned back to Edward and decided not to let myself get too confused by his friendly behavior. "It was good, but long. We got here late last night and stayed in a motel," I told him. "How about you?"

He started slathering the white lotion along his arms, and my gaze was unwillingly transfixed by the sight of his inked up arms. My hands itched to apply the lotion for him, so much so that I had to curl my hands into fists behind my back. I was going nuts here, and we were talking about the weather.

"The drive was fine early this morning, but then the A/C in the van went out, and things got pretty sweaty in the van. I probably smell like a sweaty gym sock," he joked with a sexy smirk.

Without thinking, I leaned forward and sniffed him. All I smelled was deliciousness and coconut. I leaned back swiftly when I realized what I'd done. He looked surprised and amused. "What's the verdict?"

I blushed and squirmed. "Nah, you smell like...coconuts," I finished lamely.

Edward chuckled and started massaging some of the lotion into his face...his cheekbones, his jaw...the...oh, the jaw. He had a hot fucking jaw. I wanted to touch it. I wanted to _bite _it.

Too bad I was an idiot.

When he was done with his face, he started on what I liked to think of as The Chest Dreams Are Made Of. The hot-as-fuck chest that was quickly replacing Gerard Butler's in my "Top 10 Abs I'd Donate a Kidney to Touch." I watched silently, drooling and eye-fucking his tattooed chest as he made sure to get every square inch of skin covered. I wondered if I could become a "Make A Wish" kid and get a chance to touch his pecs before I died of desire.

Finally, I was shaken from my sexual stupor as he tried to lotion up his back. "Um, do you want some help with that?" I asked, trying to sound helpful and not at all like the lusty whore who currently possessed my body.

Edward dropped his arm in defeat after struggling to reach the middle of his back and handed me the bottle of sunscreen with a self-conscious grin. "That'd be awesome, thanks."

I accepted the proffered bottle and squirted some into my hand. I walked around behind him as I rubbed my hands together to spread the lotion around. I reached my hands up and hesitated slightly as I got a close-up look at the tattoo covering his back. "Is this...your mom?" I asked, feeling unsure of myself.

Edward turned his head to look at me from the corner of his eye. "Yeah."

I cleared my throat and laid my hands on his back, right over his shoulder blades. His back was taut with muscles and covered in a colorful portrait of his mother, and his skin was hot and smooth beneath my hands. "She's...she was beautiful," I told him through the lump in my throat.

He nodded his head and turned his head to look straight ahead. "Yes, she was," he replied quietly with great sadness coloring his tone.

I suddenly felt a huge swell of empathy for him. "How long ago did she...?" I trailed off, not sure how to ask.

He cleared his throat and stared down at his feet. "Um, about three years ago. She died of cancer."

My heart twisted for him and I wasn't sure what else to say. "I'm sorry," I murmured softly.

"Thanks," he mumbled uncomfortably.

We were quiet after that, which allowed my full attention to dwell on Edward's strong back. My hands glided over his skin, massaging the lotion in with quite a bit of thoroughness. His head was bowed and I reached up to massage more of the sunscreen into his shoulders and neck. My fingers barely skimmed the bottom of his hair and I thought I heard him moan.

I snatched my hands back and curled them together to keep from touching him again. "Oh! I'm sorry, did I hurt you? You just got touched up, didn't you?" I asked, worried.

He laughed and sighed at the same time. "Um, no, I mean, yes I just got touched up, but no, you didn't hurt me. That's just a really sensitive spot," he explained cryptically.

I was confused. "You mean it hurts or tickles or what?"

He turned around and smirked down at me, but he looked embarrassed. "Not exactly."

_OH! _Comprehension dawned, and I felt like a dipshit. Again. "Oh, I see."

He reached back and finished rubbing the lotion in on the back of his neck, and I went to stare at my shoes for lack of something to do. Edward also seemed uncomfortable, but I had no idea what to say to ease the tension between us.

With amazing timing, the girls returned with Jake and Seth. Leah handed me a bottle of water and shot a snooty look at Edward. "I hope you left the FATA covers at home today," she warned with a steely glint in her eye.

Edward looked sheepish and shot a glance at me from under his eyelashes. I think that look probably singed my panties, pathetically enough. "Nope, no FATA covers today. We're only playing our own material, so that'll be good."

She nodded, appearing satisfied. Jake looked slightly uncomfortable, and so did Seth. Emily walked over and slung an arm around my shoulders. "Hey, baby, why don't we go find a good spot to watch the band?"

I snickered. "Don't let Sam hear of our love, hot stuff. He'd be _so _jealous."

She snorted. "Yeah, right. More like he'd be _so _into watching. I'm sure he'd break out the popcorn."

Edward laughed and I smiled up at him, feeling slightly awkward but a lot less than I had when we'd first started talking. "I guess we're gonna go sit down. Good luck with your show," I told him.

He smiled and I only had to blink a few times. "Thanks. I'll see you later?"

I nodded and walked off with Emily, prepared to find the best seat in the house so I could enjoy the hotness that was Toneward tearing up the stage to my favorite songs. _Sigh._

EPOV

The next day, I dragged my hot, sweaty ass through the door and had to resist the urge to pass out on the white couch in the front room. My father wouldn't be pleased with a dusty outline of my body smearing the pristine fabric.

I didn't see his car, so I figured he was either at work or with Esme.

Carlisle hadn't been home all week, and I was beginning to get suspicious.

It wasn't as if I was his keeper, but still...where could he be? Or rather, who could he be _with_?

Of course I knew. Esme Smith was a beautiful woman, and she had to be lonely after losing her husband. She didn't have any kids to keep her company, and my dad was still a good-looking guy.

It didn't matter how cool she was, or how nice she was to give me those old records. What mattered was that my father hadn't been home in at least five days, and we may not have the _best _relationship (that's putting it mildly), but the one thing that kept us together as a family was living together. If we couldn't maintain our familial relationship with understanding and mutual affection, then at the very least we could maintain it through close proximity.

But I realized that wasn't going to work if he was going to stop coming home so he could spend all his time with Esme. He would probably move in with her and give up on his wayward son who had to try too hard to live up to his impossible expectations. It didn't matter how hard I tried to fit into that mold he wanted, or how much I tried to give up the things in my life that made me feel like I could still be _me_.

In the end, it might never be enough for him. Maybe it was time for me to accept that.

With a disgusted sigh, I shuffled to the shower and stripped down before stepping under the hot spray. I washed slowly, enjoying the feel of removing the grime from my skin. The drive back from The Gorge had been long and miserable without the A/C, but now we were home and I was ready for a massive nap of epic proportions.

While in the shower, I thought back to yesterday and the whole scene with Bella. I knew that I was attracted to her, but I hadn't really realized just how _much_ until she was helping me put sunscreen on. I hadn't expected such a strong reaction to her hands on my back, but I couldn't deny it: I wanted her.

I may be a Christian, but I'm still a man, and I wanted her. I had to stand there so still as she massaged my back with her delicate little hands, but the entire time I was lost in lust for the feel of her touching me.

And then she'd discovered the spot on my neck that drove me wild...

I hadn't been close to any girls since my mother's death, but mostly because I just didn't meet anyone who impressed me. Jasper and Emmett always teased me about how picky I was, but the truth of the matter was, I needed someone who was the whole package: intelligent, sweet, beautiful, confident, and funny. I needed to know she could hold her own in a debate with me, and disarm me with a laugh whenever I got too serious.

I saw those things in Bella in a lot of ways, but I also saw how different we were. So, I may want her, but I would have to settle with wanting her as a _friend_.

I heard the front door slam and Carlisle started shouting my name. I wondered why he sounded so angry, but decided I didn't want to find out while I was buck naked. I quickly rinsed off and turned off the water so I could get a towel. If his voice was any indication, he was _furious _about something.

Just as I'd slipped on the clean pair of shorts I'd brought into the bathroom with me, I heard him banging on my bathroom door. I toweled off my hair as I opened it, trying to look nonchalant. "Hey, dad. What's up?"

Carlisle's face was beet red and he was glowering at me. "Do you have _any _idea what just happened?" he demanded.

I was confused. "Um, no?"

He was shaking and clenching his fists now. "I just ran into Professor Allan, who told me that you _turned down an opportunity to go to Washington DC with him_! Why, Edward? Why!"

I hung the towel up and decided to choose my words carefully. "I didn't want to turn it down, but I have prior commitments that weekend."

Carlisle took a deep breath and tried to calm down. "Is it your _band_?" he sneered.

I felt the familiar sting of parental disapproval and tried to push back the hurt. "Yes, actually. We're playing Bumbershoot next weekend."

He was trembling again. "You're going on the DC trip. You're _not _going to ruin your future in politics for some stupid little band!"

I felt the anger begin to rise. "Dad, I'm not a child. You can't order me around! I've got a commitment, a _responsibility _to my bandmates, and I have to be there."

His face was mottled with rage now. "Edward, do you have _any _idea what will happen if you don't take this opportunity with Professor Allan? Your entire future could ride on getting a good recommendation from him, and yet you're ready to throw it all away for tattoos and _noise_!"

That was it. "I have no idea why you're so angry, but if you would take a deep breath and calm down, I'd like to remind you that before mom got sick, I was at _Stanford_ studying law. Now I'm here, so that I can be with _you_."

The wind blew right out of Carlisle's sails at my words. His shoulders slumped. "Please, Edward. You already left Stanford, and now you're stuck here going to community college. You shouldn't _be _here, you should be graduating with honors from an ivy league school with a bunch of law school acceptance letters."

I felt the familiar guilt creep in. Maybe I was weak not to return to Stanford, but after my mother's death, all I wanted was to be close to my father. He was all the family I had left, and I needed to be with him. It was part of why I was dragging out my classes out at the community college; I didn't want to be separated from him.

"I can't quit my band, dad. They depend on me," I said quietly.

He looked like he was sick to his stomach. "Esme won't marry me. She won't marry me until you and I are on the same page. She thinks you don't want her here."

I was floored by his words. "You _asked her to marry you_?" I practically shouted. Good lord, how long had they been together? Barely a month? This was insanity!

Carlisle immediately took a defensive stance. "Yes, I did! She said no, though, so you can be happy about that! She said we have to get our act together and you have to welcome her with open arms before she'll consent."

He sounded so defeated that I felt sorry for him. "How does my quitting the band help this at all?" I asked with confusion and hurt.

He glared at me. "It's childish, Edward. You're a grown man, and it's time to put away childish things. Stop getting tattoos, stop playing loud noise, and start focusing on your education. Your career as a lawyer will be demanding and you'll need all your focus."

His words cut me to the core, and I flinched away from him. "I'm not the only one acting childish here, father," I reminded him as I shut the bathroom door in his face.

Carlisle grumbled and pounded on the door a couple times, but he gave up and I listened for his footsteps until he left my room. As soon as he was gone, I opened the door and went over to my bed so I could lie down and take a nap. I was completely exhausted, both mentally and physically.

It was time to choose between Edward Cullen and Tony Masen.

It was not a question of happiness, but regret. Which one would I regret more? Losing my father, or losing my music?

Losing the only person I loved, or losing...myself?

I fell asleep, still questioning.

**(Oh! I forgot! I'm gonna start sending previews of the upcoming chapters if you review, so please do so! I love exclamation points!!!) Gimme the goods, sugar!!:) **


	14. A Rock and a Hard Place

**A/N: Dudes. Please go read my collaborative one-shot entitled **_"Ink in the Blood"_** co-written with my long distance lover, maniacalmuse. It's under the author name **_Dirty Words_** and it was written for the Tattward and Inkella contest. Please, please go read it! It's a lot of hard work collaborating and we'd love your support:)**

**Also, I would like to thank my beta Adrena because I totally rewrote practically this entire chapter, completely changing the course from the previous version. I hope this new version is better than the last, but I feel confident that it is:) **

**Music suggestions: "Deadship, Darkship" by Sorry About Dresden, "The Closest Thing" by The Juliana Theory, "Maybe Not" by Cat Power, and "The End of Heartache" by Killswitch Engage. **

BPOV

My alarm beeped annoyingly from my cell phone and I rolled over, groaning pitifully. The dirty dishwater gray of early morning sunshine breached the thick curtains covering the window next to my bed. I reached for my phone and turned the alarm off before reluctantly crawling out of my comfortable nest of blankets and pillows. I needed to get my ass in gear if I was going to make it to the airport on time for the DC trip.

I rubbed the sleep grime from my eyes as I shuffled across the cold wooden floorboards to my bedroom door. It creaked loudly as I opened it and I wondered briefly if I would wake Charlie, or if he was even here.

He'd been spending an increasing amount of time at Billy's...that is, when he wasn't at the bar.

I missed him.

Naturally, I was my father's daughter. I'd learned to ignore my feelings or not speak about them in favor of keeping the peace. I must have picked up that dubious talent from years of Charlie trying to appease my mother.

The thing was, I'd never been very good at talking about the things that were bothering me. I also sucked at actually _identifying _those feelings. How would I know how to do such complicated things when my parents had taught me to just sweep everything under a rug my entire life?

I wanted so much not to be angry anymore. I hated feeling this way all the time. I felt like no matter what I did, I fucked up everything. Sure, my parents' divorce wasn't my fault, but the guilty feeling that they wouldn't have been miserable together for over twenty years if it hadn't been for me still lingered.

And Edward. It was so clear to me that none of my anger should have been directed at him. I'd spent the last week thinking a lot about the subtle changes in the dynamics of our relationship, and I'd had to force myself to recognize some very difficult things.

For one thing, I had been incredibly hard on Edward. With all the passion I'd poured into my beliefs, I'd turned against him because he was an easy target. I realized that now. Something in me had recognized my attraction to him before I'd even known he was Tony Masen of OCS fame, and the only thing I could think now was that it was some twisted defensive instinct to "protect" myself from being attracted to someone so different from myself.

I mean, how could I _possibly _have anything in common with Edward Cullen, aside from a passion for politics?

At least, that's what I'd told myself from the very beginning. But that was before I'd known he was also Tony Masen, the vegan and animal rights activist. After that, my heart and my mind were extremely confused and I had to admit to myself that I'd been a huge mess ever since I'd discovered his little secret.

As I'd tossed and turned in bed last night, I relived every interaction we'd had since that first day of class. I couldn't say how many times I winced or flushed in embarrassment over my actions and reactions toward him. It was clear to me how awful I'd treated him. I squirmed uncomfortably even now, recalling the times I'd yelled at him for being a hypocrite.

If anyone here was the hypocrite, it was me. After our last debate in the empty classroom, I couldn't deny that he had some very valid points. Still, it was none of my business what he believed...

But I _did _care. I was beginning to understand where the two parts of him met, but I was still confused and I found that I _needed _to know more. I needed to get inside his head, pick his brain, find those connections and find a way to relate.

The night was long and difficult, but by the time I'd finally fallen asleep, I had been able to admit something to myself that I had tried so hard to ignore: I cared for Edward. A great deal.

But what could I do about that now? I was amazed he'd even give me the time of day, let alone be as good to me as he had been the last few times we'd met. He must have the patience of a saint, and be incredibly forgiving on top of that.

I roused myself from my thoughts long enough to take a bracing shower. Following that, I gave my hair a quick dry with the hair dryer and slapped on just enough make up to make me look like I was alive. I examined myself critically in the mirror, trying to see the changes I felt inside reflected in my eyes.

For just a moment, I thought I saw the wisp of someone older and wiser. I wanted to believe that I was learning from my mistakes, and that I wouldn't make the same mistakes my parents had. I just wanted to learn from my past behavior so I could move on and become a better person.

It was time to step outside of my own little world and realize that harsh things happened, but that didn't mean it needed to destroy me or dictate my entire life. I refused to allow Renee's excruciating admissions to ruin my life. I didn't want to follow in her footsteps, blaming others for the choices I'd made and taking out my own shortcomings on them.

I could be better than that, I _would _be better than that.

The memory of last weekend in Eastern Washington drifted across my mind as I stared at myself. I remembered the dry sun beating down on my skin, the smell of sweat, skin, and coconut as I'd rubbed the sunscreen into Edward's back...I thought of the sense of hope I'd had, looking up at him. If I had only been a better person, I might have been worthy of someone like him.

But I had to prepare myself for the idea that I'd lost any chance I might have had with him after being such a stone cold bitch to him.

Still, there had been something in his eyes that day after I finished helping him with the lotion. Something that made me feel like maybe..._just maybe_...I could make something good with him.

Edward had taken the blame for his actions the night of the show with a stiff upper lip and a gracious apology. I could take a page from his book and begin to own up to my own mistakes and transgressions against him. I hoped that he'd listen, but something told me he would. For that, I was glad.

Edward probably thought my attitude stemmed from Renee leaving. I would have to reach deep down inside myself to be able to admit to him what I had admitted to myself: that I'd had issues seeing myself clearly, let alone other people.

I could see now that my paranoid mind had created a picture of Edward "infiltrating" my scene with OCS as a way to make fools out of all of us. As if he would one day walk onstage and have a great laugh at my expense, revealing his "true" identity and making us all feel like assholes.

Even after that (now) laughable scenario had passed out of my consciousness, I still wondered how he could possibly take our scene seriously while being this entire other person I'd come to know in poli sci class. I had trouble trying to reconcile the fact that he could be both people at the same time.

Hell, I was _still _confused on that issue. Even if what he'd said about it the last time made sense to me, it still seemed as if he treated Tony Masen as some secret alter-ego.

If I knew anything about anything, I'd learned from my mother that you can't live a lie forever.

So my question was: which side of Edward was a lie?

About five hours later, our flight was called and people were allowed to begin boarding. I hefted my carry-on over my shoulder and handed my boarding pass to the attendant at the gate. She checked it, handed it back, and I walked down the ramp and into the plane, smiling politely at the happy faces of the crew as I passed.

I found my seat and sat down, sighing as my tired body sank into the unforgiving cushions. I closed my eyes to try and take a nap when I heard someone clear their throat and ask, "Mind if I slip past you?"

Recognizing his voice, my eyes immediately shot open and found his. "Edward? What are you doing here?"

He grinned and held up his carry-on. It was his suitcase, of course. I snorted and lifted my legs into my seat so he could pass me to get to the window seat. As he got settled, I took in his appearance.

He looked tired. He had bags under his eyes and a slight frown between his eyebrows. He was wearing a black long-sleeved button up shirt with a white t-shirt underneath, and black slacks and shoes. His shoes were shiny wingtips, and I wondered for the millionth time why he felt the need to dress like he was some executive instead of a student.

I found that today, I was willing to fully admit to myself just how hot he looked. Black had always been my favorite color, and boy, did it look good on him.

I realized he still hadn't told me why he was suddenly here. I cleared my throat and pushed the thoughts of dragging his ass to the bathroom so I could join the Mile High Club out of my mind. "So?" I asked expectantly.

Edward seemed to snap out of his thoughts and turned to me with a confused look on his face. "So, what?" he asked.

I smirked. "So why are you here? Are you going on the trip after all?"

He looked like he wasn't quite awake yet. "Um, yeah. Yes, I'm going on the trip."

Suddenly, I remembered why he shouldn't be here. "Wait, what about Bumbershoot?" I asked.

He turned his gaze to the window, but not before I caught sight of a flash of...something...in his eyes. "We canceled. I...had some things to work out, so we decided not to play. Luckily, that meant I could go on the trip. I think it'll be fun, don't you?" he asked, turning back with an expression of false excitement on his face.

I decided, for once, to keep my thoughts to myself. I didn't want to alienate him so soon after realizing my true feelings for him. "Yeah, sure," I replied unconvincingly.

I briefly wondered if now would be a good time to apologize to him. The plane was packed, but most people would pay attention to their own business. Still, if my apology ended up going awry, it could make for a very uncomfortable flight seeing as how we were stuck with each other until we landed.

The airplane ride would take about four and a half hours according to the pilot, and I was suddenly aware that I would be spending every minute wishing I could go back in time and change everything about the way I'd treated him.

_Great._

After take-off, I sat there awkwardly trying to drum up a non-inflammatory subject to discuss. The best I could come up with was, "I hope the weather isn't too horrible."

_Awesome job at not sounding like a complete dipshit. _

Edward turned to face me and I noted the dark circles under his eyes. He definitely looked more tired and downtrodden than he had when I'd seen him at Warped Tour. I felt my concern overtake my better judgment, and I found myself impulsively asking, "Are you okay?"

He looked slightly taken aback at my question and I felt the now-familiar shame burning in my cheeks as I realized that I'd been completely blind to his well-being before now.

"Oh...uh, yeah, I'm fine," he replied, shifting in his seat uncomfortably.

I bit my tongue once more and looked down at the book I'd brought out of my bag a couple moments before. I wasn't sure I believed him, but I also didn't want to call him out on it. "Okay, if you say so. But...I just want you to know that I really appreciated it when you let me talk, so if you need..." I trailed off, feeling useless.

His shoulders tensed but he gave me a tight smile in acknowledgment. "Thanks."

I saw him look down at the book in my lap and I held it up for him to see the cover. "Have you read _The Way We Eat _before?" I asked, hoping this would be a better topic for conversation.

Edward reached out to take the book and examine the cover, and I swallowed back the feeling of excitement that zipped through my veins. I felt like I was _finally _going to get my chance to discuss veganism with Tony Masen the way I'd always dreamed of doing.

"Actually, I haven't read this one yet. Is it good?" he inquired with interest.

I nodded and started going on about the book. "They go to hang out with these three different families and examine what they eat, where it comes from, and how it impacts their lives and the world around them. There's a family who shops at Wal-Mart and eats a standard American diet, an omnivore family who tries to eat all organic and free-range, and then a vegan family who tries to buy most of their produce from organic and local sources. It's really interesting, because they look at it very compassionately."

Edward hummed and considered this. "Do they tout veganism as the only way to live?"

I shook my head. "Not necessarily. I actually really liked the fact that they talked about how the first family was trying to make good choices for themselves in light of their financial constraints. The guys writing the book weren't judgmental or rude."

His eyes met mine and I knew that he was searching my eyes for something. "I've found that more people are willing to learn about veganism when it's not in their face in a threatening or condescending way," he stated simply.

I thought about his words. I'd spent most of my high school years "fighting the man" and being in people's faces. I was singled out as a freak because I was different from most of the people at my school, and I'd hated it. I reacted by going on the offensive anytime someone started teasing me about my diet and lifestyle.

But Edward's way seemed better. His demeanor was calm and knowledgeable, while mine had always been forceful and outspoken. He was active in the animal rights movement, but I couldn't see him doing any of the things that the more aggressive activists did, like spraying fur coats with red paint or attacking the research scientists who test on animals.

Why could I see Edward as reasonable and calm about veganism, but somehow still believe that he would be a crazy Republican Christian who planted pipe bombs at Planned Parenthoods? Was it because I agreed with him on veganism and wholeheartedly _disagreed _with him on his political and religious beliefs?

I surely was a hypocrite if I could ask for acceptance and respect from others who weren't like me, and yet do nothing but judge and criticize those who were different.

It occurred to me that I needed to open my mind to our differences and give myself the chance to get to know _all _of him, not just the parts I liked. If I ever wanted to have him in my life in any way other than with animosity or awkward small talk, then I would have to learn how to accept and embrace all of him.

I realized I hadn't replied to Edward. He was looking at me expectantly and I was just sitting there mulling over things in my own mind. I cleared my throat and took the book back from him. "I'm beginning to see that I agree with you on that," I replied finally.

We lapsed into silence and soon Edward fell asleep. I grabbed my iPod and put some music on before I went back to my book.

About an hour later, I fell asleep too.

EPOV

I woke up with someone's head on my shoulder. When I looked down, I saw Bella's face was relaxed and her mouth was slightly open. The strain around her eyes was gone, and she looked peaceful in her slumber. One side of her headphones had fallen out of her ear, so I lifted it to my ear and listened to the music she was playing.

I smiled when I recognized my voice coming through the ear piece. I reached over and gently pried her iPod from her slack hand so I could search through her music. I was pleasantly surprised to find that she had almost every OCS song ever recorded. I was flattered, really.

She shifted and I put her iPod back in her hand before turning to look out the window. I didn't want to disturb her sleep.

Bella slept for the rest of the flight and I started reading her book after it fell from her hands. She was right, it was good. I'd have to pick up a copy next time I was at the book store.

We got to the hotel and checked in, and I wasn't surprised to find that my room was right next to Bella's. I went in and put my stuff away before calling Alice to let her know I was here. She wanted to see me, but I knew it was mostly due to the fact that she missed Jasper. I couldn't fault her from her homesickness, especially now that she and Jasper were practically engaged.

I didn't see Bella as I left the hotel to meet Alice at a diner a few blocks away. The light was dwindling outside and I had no trouble finding the place where we were meeting. When I walked in, I found Alice drinking a cup of coffee and looking out the window. The air outside was steamy and my shirt was stuck to my back after the short walk.

I walked over to her and she jumped up to hug me tightly. She looked stressed and lonely, and I felt sorry for her. It must be terribly hard for her to be away from Jasper for so long, especially since I knew she had a strained relationship with her father and new stepmother.

"Hey, you. How are you?" I asked as she released me and sat back down.

Alice pouted and sipped her coffee in an effort to hide her expression. "I'm okay. How are you?"

I motioned for a glass of water and a cup of coffee when a waitress passed and then turned back to her. "Honestly, I've been better, but whatever," I replied with a dismissive wave of my hand.

"Oh, please. I would rather talk about you than discuss my own pathetic crap. I'm so sick of being here, you know?" she said grumpily.

I nodded and sighed. "Okay, then. Can I tell you something?" I asked. She looked up at me with interest. "It's really not a big deal, but it's been bothering me and I can't really see myself telling the guys about it."

She set her cup down and crossed her arms across the table. "Go on," she invited.

I told her about the situation with Bella and the feelings that I'd been experiencing. "It's like, sometimes I wanna strangle her, but sometimes I don't know. Sometimes she looks at me like she wants me, and I want her too."

Alice's expression turned shrewd. "So you're attracted to her?"

I nodded and toyed with the spoon next to my coffee. She pursed her lips and appeared to be deep in thought. "Well, that's completely human of you, but on the other hand...you haven't been with anyone since before your mom's death, and is this really the direction you want to go? I mean, I'm sure underneath everything, she's a nice girl...but she doesn't share all of your beliefs, and that could be a problem, you know?"

I knew what she was getting at. I scrubbed a hand over my face and looked everywhere but at her face. "This wouldn't be like Jessica, Alice. That was a stupid thing that happened when I was young and foolish. Besides, I'm not saying I'm going to go have sex with her," I reminded her.

She snorted and took a sip of her coffee. "It's hard to be a Christian in a relationship with a non-Christian. Believe me, I would know. Before I joined the church, I was in a relationship with this guy, James. We'd been together for a while, but after I was baptized, we just fell apart. He didn't understand me or my choices, and it got to be very difficult to see eye-to-eye with him."

"Alice, I know what you're trying to say, but honestly...it's not even like that. I already know that I'll have to settle for being friends with her. She'll probably never be able to accept or understand my beliefs. Being with her would be one huge mess; I know this."

I found it hard to explain to Alice that I felt like it was my mission to be close to Bella and help her through the things she was going through. I had faith that I could do that if I could just ignore the attraction I felt for her.

We sat in silence for a few minutes and I turned to stare out the window. Across the street was a bar and I watched as the patrons walked in completely sober and reasonable, only to stumble out inebriated and foolish. I shook my head as I wondered what the draw was to losing control of yourself and your surroundings.

"There's something else bothering you, tough guy. I can see it," Alice pressed.

I stared down into my coffee cup and thought about everything that was going on with my father and me. "I don't really want to talk about it," I replied in a guarded tone.

She sighed heavily and laid her warm, steady hand on top of my cold and clammy one. "Who can you talk to, if you can't talk to me? I know you haven't told any of the guys what's going on, and they're just as confused over your behavior as I am. You've been acting so strange, Edward. We're your friends, we love you, and we just want to help. Tell me what's been going on," she coaxed softly.

My eyes met her worried stare and I felt my shoulders slump in defeat. She was right, I _needed _to talk about this. "It's just all so messed up. My dad won't even look at me unless I'm in his way. He only speaks to me when he has to, and he's always gone these days. I never thought this would happen after my mom died...I never thought he'd leave me, too."

Alice turned my hand over and gripped it so that we were palm-to-palm. "Tell me about it," she invited with deep compassion in her voice.

I stared down at the green and gray flecks in the Formica tabletop. "He wants me to be this person that I'm not. I'm trying _so hard _to make him happy so that he will smile at me like he used to, before... Well, it's not working. I can't be what he wants me to be and be who I want to be at the same time. It hasn't changed a thing. Either I let go of the band, the music, the activism...or I have to let go of my father."

My confidant was silent for a few moments, digesting my words. "Have you talked to him about this?"

I banged my fist down on the tabletop. "Don't you think I've _tried_? All he wants is a perfect son, Alice! He wants me to throw myself into this life of pure politics and religion. He wants me to be a lawyer, a senator, a supreme court judge. He wants me to get my tattoos removed, stop playing my music, and start eating meat because it's 'normal.'"

Alice flinched at my tone and retracted her hand. I gripped mine uselessly around the edge of the table and seethed. "I am a Christian. I go to church, I pray, I perform good deeds and try every day to be a good person that I hope God can be proud of. I'm a Republican. I vote, I go to rallies, I follow the news and run my radio show. _Why can't that be enough? Why can't he just be proud of me?_"

Her sad blue eyes were on mine as she reached out to cup my cheek. "He's lost, Edward. Ever since your mom died, he's been terrified and lost. He doesn't know this other part of you, because he's scared to. You have to show him. You have to show him so that he'll understand that you _can _be everything that you are without compromising either side of yourself," she said.

I turned to stare out the window. "Can I?" I asked quietly.

"Can you be Edward _and _Tony?" she clarified.

I nodded and clenched my jaw against my pain in my chest.

"Well, I think you can. So do the guys. The only one here who needs convincing is _you_."

BPOV

I hung up my phone and dropped it on the bedspread. I couldn't find my father, once again. I knew he was probably at the bar down the street from our house, likely drowning in booze and hoping that his inconvenient life would just drift away and leave him alone with the bottle.

_Well, fuck that. _I scooped up my phone with renewed determination and dialed 411 to ask for the bar's information. I hit the key to connect me and listened while the phone rang on the other end. Finally, someone picked up.

"Fred's," answered a disinterested voice, almost drowned out by the boisterous noise I could hear in the background.

"I'm looking for Chief Swan," I told him.

"Just a sec," he replied distractedly. There was some shouting in the background and waited until I heard the crackle of the phone passing hands.

"Hello?" slurred my father.

I felt the sick twist of anger and despair stab me in the gut. "Daddy?" My voice warbled like a little girl with a skinned knee.

There was a pause. "Bella? Wh'sup?" he asked, sounding confused.

I swallowed back the bile threatening to claw up the back of my throat. "Why are you doing this to yourself, daddy? Why are you doing this to me? To us?" I pleaded, wishing he could magically make it all better, just as he had when I'd go running to him with the bumps and bruises in childhood.

He was silent and I heard only his heavy breathing. Eventually, he took a deep breath. "I...I can't talk about this now, Bells. I'll talk to you when I get home."

The tears began to choke me as I struggled to get through to him. "Do you even know what day of the week it is? I'm not _there_, dad! I'm all the way across the country, sitting in a hotel room, thinking about how much I love you and how I can't stand to think of you wasting your fucking life away in a bottle just because that useless bitch left us!"

His breath shuddered and broke. "Bella, don't talk about your mother like that!"

My rage broke over me and I stood up on shaky legs as I yelled into the phone, "My _mother _apparently never gave a shit! You made her stay when she wanted to go!"

"Bella-" he began.

I cut him off. I didn't want to hear his excuses. "Whatever, dad. Drink yourself into another stupor. I'll be home on Monday, not that you'll notice." I clicked off my phone and tossed it on the bed. The sick feeling in my stomach had transformed into stabbing shards of agony, and I didn't have a clue what to do about it.

I looked around my empty hotel room and felt equally empty inside. The night was dark and pressing against the window. I walked over and stared outside, down to the street were people were walking with each other, having fun on a Friday night.

My friends knew about Renee, and they knew about Charlie. They obviously knew I was a mess, but they kept me together. Leah and Jake, Emily and Sam....they were there for me.

But they weren't here right now, and while I knew I needed them, knew I should call one of them and reach out, I just couldn't do it. I was sick of feeling so needy for their support.

With that, I made up my mind...and I knew I would regret it, but at the moment, I just couldn't bring myself to care. I was going to do this, and fuck the consequences.

Sometimes, I just wanted to do the wrong thing on _purpose_. I wanted to make a bad fucking judgment call and wallow in it.

I found my key card to the hotel room and slipped it into my pocket before I grabbed my purse and headed out the door, ready to let the dark night take me deep.

The bar a couple blocks from the hotel was crowded with overly confident males and the overdone women they were trying to pick up. Thankfully, I flew under the radar because I wasn't dressed for seduction in my black jeans and black hoodie with the white skulls decorating it. My choppy hair was too short and messy to be cute, and my eyes were swollen and red from crying.

Add to that the utter exhaustion, both physical and emotional, covering my face and I was _sure _to be exuding a big fat "fuck off" to anyone who'd even think of approaching me.

I sat on the only empty stool at the bar and waited until the bartender found me. "What can I get you?" he asked. His name tag read Tony and it made me snort. _Great._

I thought for a moment, frozen in indecision. Was I really going to do this? Was I going to break my edge, here and now?

Tony the bartender looked at me expectantly, and I braced my hands on the scarred edges of the bar top. "Jack Daniels," I told him, recalling the empty bottles littering the coffee table at home.

"A shot or mixed?" he asked.

"A shot, please." He nodded once and turned to walk away, but I reached out and grabbed his arm. "Wait, make that two, please."

He grabbed the bottle and nimbly set two shot glasses in front of me. I'd never tasted alcohol before. My heart was pounding with fear at what I was about to do, and my mind kept screaming at me to walk away before I did this thing.

He finished pouring the shots and slid them over to me. I paid him and tentatively gripped the first glass in my hand. The liquid was a pretty amber color, but when I sniffed it, the scent burned my nose in an unpleasant way. I'd never understand how people could drink this.

Before I could back down, I tossed the shot back and held my breath until I'd swallowed it all down. I tasted the bitter, disgusting flavor coat my tongue and shuddered as the heat blasted its way through my body. I quivered and my face scrunched up in distaste.

I still had another shot to go.

I gripped the glass and stared down at it, hoping in vain to find the draw of this vile stuff. Did it make my dad feel better? Could it really erase the pain? Was this some magical tonic that came along and fixed everything?

I doubted it. People drank for all kinds of reasons: to get relaxed, to get stupid, to get laid.

What did I want?

I wanted to get lost. I wanted to let my head swim until I felt numb and I wanted to stop crying myself to sleep, because my tears had done nothing to make me forget.

Without another thought, I tossed back the second shot and clenched my eyes shut against the devastating burn.

The second glass was empty, and I was sitting there staring at it, still feeling empty. I felt cynical laughter bubble forth from my chest when I realized I wasn't even a "glass is half empty" person, but rather a "glass is just empty" person. In that moment, I could not find one positive thought swirling in my mind.

I'd thought that I wasn't going to feel anything from two tiny shots, but I was wrong. Soon my cheeks began to warm and my vision got a little blurry. I wasn't drunk, but I wasn't sober, either. When the bartender came back to see if I needed anything, I shook my head and felt my reflexes moving slower than normal.

I wisely decided to call it a night and headed back for the hotel, walking slowly and trying to deal with what I had just done.

All through high school, I'd been labeled a freak by the people around me because I didn't like to drink and get high like most of the kids my age. They would taunt and tease me, making me so angry at times that I would go home and cry out my frustration. None of them ever understood how I could have a good time without being wasted, so they constantly baited me until I lost my temper and told them to fuck off.

That was the beginning of my offensive attitude toward people like Edward. Well, toward the kind of people I'd _thought _Edward to be like. I'd developed my defenses too well, becoming a snide bitch to keep people from talking to me, because I'd come to expect them to attack me for being different.

It was only with my true friends that I ever felt like I could let my defenses down and show my true self. I could be thoughtful, funny, and even charming when I was around the people who knew me. It was a shame that I couldn't just be myself all the time, but such was life.

If that wasn't pathetic, then I didn't know what was. Looking back, I felt like a complete idiot for losing out on people I could have known, because there were plenty of people who chose to party but never got in my face about it.

Instead, I'd gotten into their faces about it, and because of it, I'd been labeled "That Vegan Straight-Edge Bitch With Headphones."

That was me. I'm sure if our high school had had one of those "Most likely to..." awards in the yearbook, mine might have read, "Most likely to die alone because everyone thinks she's a bitch."

I could feel my carefully constructed walls starting to crack all around me. I was Humpty Dumpty, and I was about to be royally fucked. I could feel the shit storm coming for me a mile away; tonight was just the beginning, the harbinger of what was to come.

When I reached the hotel, I rode the elevator to my floor and stepped off to walk to my door. I pushed it open and found the room just as dark and lonely as it had been when I'd left it. I sighed and decided I needed to do something, anything to stop the sickening swirl in my head.

I felt a wave of dizziness hit me, and I lurched toward the bathroom. I went down on my knees in front of the toilet, retched up the alcohol, and hated the fact that it burned just as bad coming back up. When I was done, I wiped my mouth and flushed the toilet before standing on shaky legs to grab my toothbrush.

After brushing my teeth, I started the shower and stripped out of my smoky, sour-smelling clothes. The hot water burned my pale skin, making it redden and prickle under the intense heat. I scrubbed at my skin desperately, hoping it would come clean...but I knew what I was really trying to scrub clean was my heart, so full of darkness and despair. I _needed _to feel clean again.

It didn't work, but I had to get out of the shower, so I turned off the water and wrapped a towel around myself and another around my hair. I stepped out in the room and found my pajamas, putting them on before I turned on the television for some company.

There was a soft knock on the door and I turned to answer it. Edward was standing on the other side, looking like a breath of fresh air, even though he looked exhausted. "Oh, hey, Edward. What's up?" I greeted, and my voice sounded hollow, even to myself.

His eyes searched mine and he stepped closer to the threshold to my room. "I was just passing Professor Allan in the lobby and he asked me to tell you we're leaving at seven for the monument tour tomorrow. Are you okay?" he asked, looking worried.

"Okay. Yeah, I'm okay," I lied. I didn't need to burden him with my stupid issues, especially not when I could sense that he had something of his own going on.

His eyes narrowed and he watched me carefully. "You're lying. What's wrong?"

I rolled my eyes and huffed at him. "How do you know I'm lying?"

He stepped closer until I could smell him, and his scent did funny things to me: it made me feel both calm and excited, as if something in me _knew _that I needed him.

Except I didn't _want _to need him. He was a complication that my life clearly did not need right now.

"When you lie, your left eyebrow goes up and you can't make eye contact. Your neck turns red and you look nervous. You couldn't lie to save your life, Bella. Tell me what's wrong," he insisted.

I sighed and opened the door wider to let him come in. He stepped past me and I inhaled deeply, wishing I could bottle his essence and keep it with me for whenever I needed a lift.

I followed him back into the room and sat down on the bed, afraid to look at him. I wanted to confide in him, even though I didn't know how he would react. I knew Leah and Jake would go crazy when I told them about tonight, but I also had faith that they wouldn't desert me like I knew some of my friends would if they found out I'd broken my edge.

"I sort of...broke my edge tonight," I admitted to my bare feet.

I heard Edward's sharp intake of breath. I looked up at him and saw his shocked expression. He quickly schooled it into a neutral expression and appeared to consider my words. "Why?" he asked quietly.

I returned to staring at my feet. I really needed to take this chipped nail polish off. I'd had it on since the Veg Fest in July...

I shrugged miserably and felt too stupid to explain my motives, which all sounded so _moronic _now. I didn't want to admit to Edward that I'd secretly hoped if I could try drinking, that maybe I would come to understand my father and why he chose to drink.

Unfortunately, after all was said and done, the only thing I felt was betrayal. I'd betrayed myself and everything I'd stood for since I was a teenager.

"I guess it's true what they say," he said quietly. "The harder they talk, the harder they fall..."

My head snapped up and I glared at him. "And what's _that _supposed to mean?" I demanded.

He held up his hands in surrender. "Only that it doesn't make sense to me that you'd be so passionate about something, just to throw it away like this."

I shot off the bed and stomped up to him. "Oh yeah? You mean just like how you're 'taking a break' from the band?" I shot back.

Edward's eyebrows snapped low and he looked pissed at being called out. "That's different," he muttered. "And besides, who said I was taking a break?"

I snorted derisively and pointed at myself. "This is my 'I believe you' face. Don't fucking lie to me, Edward. It doesn't take a genius to figure out why you'd give up an opportunity as big as Bumbershoot. You're running away from something just as much as I am. God! Talk about the pot calling the kettle black!"

His jaw clenched in anger and I welcomed it. "You don't know what's going on in my life, Bella. Don't stand there and act like you're the only one going through some shit," he said through his teeth.

I pulled back as if he'd slapped me. "I'm _not_. I know you're going through something, but even after I've opened up to you, _you _still refuse to do the same. I can't know what's going on inside your fucking head if you don't tell me!"

At my words, his shoulders collapsed and he relaxed his jaw. "I know you're right, but there's too much. Too much going on."

We stood there staring across the small space between our bodies, but the inches might as well be the Grand Canyon; I couldn't reach him, and he wouldn't reach out to me.

Why did it matter, anyway? When did he come to mean so much to me?

Not Edward, the staid conservative, and not Tony, the wildly fascinating activist. The person I cared about now was a confusing mixture of the two, and it scared me. It scared me that he mattered.

I watched in silence as he regarded me the same way I was regarding him. Could he see how badly I wanted to reach out for him? Did he sense the need in me?

After what felt like ten years, his arms twitched up and without second guessing myself, I dove across the Great Divide to meet him. My body fell into his and I stood up on my tiptoes, blindly reaching for him. His arms came around my waist and I felt them tighten, bringing me closer.

I waited for him to kiss me, but he didn't. He just..._held_ me. His warmth, his strength, and his comfort spread through me, filling me with a sense of calm that I hadn't felt in ages. Edward's presence was, for once, soothing me.

I buried my face in his neck and he did the same. His breath was warm and moist against the skin of my neck, and I embraced that connection to him. I gripped his shirt in my hands tightly, feeling his solid muscles beneath the fabric. It made me feel grounded to be held by something so solid and steady.

I needed this. I'd had no idea how much I needed this.

A part of me knew if I wanted to, I could kiss him right now. It would be so easy. I could feel his lips on mine, I could lose myself in my attraction for him.

But another part of me knew that if I did that, I would only be making the same mistake I'd made earlier tonight by drinking. Losing myself wouldn't fix my problems and make them go away. I knew that now.

I fought the desire to cringe away from the intimacy, the pure sensation of this moment. When it came to the opposite sex, I was used to putting everything on a sexual level, but I just couldn't bring myself to do that right now. This was uncharted territory for me, but it was fulfilling in a way that I couldn't even put voice to.

His soft hair brushed against my cheek and neck, and I closed my eyes and relaxed into his arms. He welcomed me, bringing me closer, hugging me tighter. I took baby steps forward until my bare feet were touching the tips of his shoes and my knees pressed against his legs. I took deep breaths, inhaling him, trying to store this moment for later.

Would there ever be another moment like this in my lifetime? This undemanding, unconditional sense of comfort and understanding between two lost souls with so much pain tearing them apart?

I couldn't tell how long we stood there, but the minutes passed until we both relaxed and our arms dropped away as if by mutual agreement. He looked rejuvenated in a way, and I felt the same. The loss of his touch hurt, but I felt like we'd forged an unbreakable connection to each other just now.

How much difference could a _hug _really make between two people like us?

Apparently a world of difference.

We stood there awkwardly now, and I was suddenly terrified that he would walk out and I wouldn't get another chance to experience this newfound connection. "Would you...like to watch a movie or something?" I offered, desperate to keep him here.

His eyes cast about the room before they settled back on me. "Okay, sure," he replied with a shrug.

I released my pent-up breath and walked back over to the bed to find the remote. I clicked through the channels while he got comfortable next to me. A whisper in my head told me not to be disappointed that he wasn't jumping my bones, but it was difficult. After all, he was still hot, even if I was scared to pony up and kiss him.

We sat and watched _Tommy Boy_, laughing and quoting parts to each other. I began to feel like we were old friends, but the tension returned as soon as the movie was over. He stood up and walked to the door, and I followed him, saying I wanted to "walk him out."

He stopped and turned around at the last moment, looking at me as if trying to make his mind up about something. Did he want to kiss me as much as I wanted to kiss him? Did he feel the same level of attraction?

Edward appeared to make up his mind to leave, but I grabbed his arm and called, "Wait!"

He looked down at me and I stood on my tiptoes again, because that was the only way I could reach his face due to our height difference. He looked surprised, but I didn't let it discourage me. I reached my hand up, wrapping it around the back of his head to bring it down to mine. I closed my eyes and kissed him, quickly and nervously. "Um, I just wanted to say thank you," I explained breathlessly.

God, I'd just kissed him like I was some thirteen-year-old girl kissing a boy for the very first time. How fucking _embarrassing._

His eyes opened and he looked down at me with a confused expression. "For what?"

I bit my lip, trying to hold back the tide of mortification. "For the...hug...earlier. I really needed it."

He smiled self-consciously down at me. "I did, too."

I stared up at him, wishing I could kiss him again, and wishing like hell that he would kiss _me _in return. I wanted to, but I just couldn't see a way to make it happen, especially after that lame attempt.

He straightened away from the door and opened it. "Goodnight, Bella."

"Goodnight, Edward."

**A/N: Oh man, _please _review. I will give you a preview of Ch 15. I tried to keep up with all the reviews from the last chapter, but unfortunately I left my power cord for my laptop in Washington and couldn't get on my computer for like, three days. So I'm sorry if I didn't send you a preview. :( Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed this chapter as much as I did. **


	15. Interventions and Warnings

**A/N: The response to the last few chapters has been awesome! Thank you to everyone who is reading and reviewing my favorite story to write:) I'm glad you're just as into it as I am. **

**I've had a couple people be like "This is rated M. Where's the beef?" I wanna say, it'll happen, folks. Just be patient. These crazy kids are more fucked up than I'd originally thought, so they're taking their sweet ass time giving us what we all want to happen. I plead for your patience and I would also like to remind you that the build up will make it so much more gratifying when it actually happens, yknow?:) I hope you agree with me! **

**As usual, if you review, you'll get a preview of the next chapter. FF has been strange this weekend, though, so I haven't been able to reply to reviews. Boo, I say! Hopefully it'll get fixed soon. **

**Thanks to Adrena!**

**This chapter starts with a brand new POV. I hope you enjoy. I'm so stoked for this:)**

Charlie POV

I handed Billy his beer and carried mine over to the ratty old recliner in the corner of his living room. After I sat down, I kicked back and rested my feet on the foot rest. Billy and I were relaxing, just watching the game and ignoring the Renee-sized elephant in the room when Billy's son Jacob came slamming into the house with a furious expression on his face.

Leah was following not far behind, and she wore an equally livid look. Billy muted the television and greeted Jacob, but the young man brushed off his father's words and turned on me. "Just what the fuck do you think you're doing?" he demanded angrily.

"Jacob, son-" Billy began, obviously trying to calm him down.

Jacob spun around and glared at his father. "No. Just shut up. I'm fucking tired of this. You said you were going to do something about this moping piece of shit, but you haven't, and I'm fucking tired of this. Bella's all messed up in her head because Charlie over here can't get his shit together, and I'm done."

I shot up in my chair, furious at the implication in his words. "Now, listen here, Jacob-" I seethed, only to be cut off.

"No, _you _listen! This is an intervention. Bella is your only kid. She was fucking torn up when Renee left, but she wouldn't be _nearly _this bad if it weren't for you just up and fucking disappearing from her life! Have you even _seen _her since that heartless bitch took off? I bet not, because then you would have seen how fucking _destroyed _she is! She hacked off all her motherfucking hair and she hardly eats, and she's barely there anymore. And here you are, just sitting here with a beer and the game as if everything is fucking okay, but _everything is not fucking okay, you selfish dick!_" Jake was shouting, his face mottled red under his russet skin. His hands were clenched into huge fists at his sides, and he was looming over my chair, shaking like a rabid dog on a flimsy leash.

I felt shame; shame that my daughter's friends knew more about what was going on with her than I, her father, did. I felt like punching the fucking wall for Renee leaving us like this. I felt disgust at not being able to give Bella the comfort she apparently needed more than I'd believed.

Bella was like me in so many ways: she was always reserved and placid, her feelings never very strong. In a way, I was glad, because if she'd been more like Renee, I would have had a constant drama queen on my hands. It was exhausting to even consider having one Renee in my house, let alone _two._

I watched Leah put a calming hand on Jacob's arm, but he pulled away from her and bent low over me, looking more menacing than I'd ever seen him. "How could you let that crazy bitch tell Bella all that shit? Are you really such a pussy that you couldn't stand up to Renee and send her ass packing?"

I saw Billy pull himself up straight in his wheelchair and glower at his son. "Jacob, that's enough. I didn't raise you to talk to your elders like this." His voice was firm and authoritative, brooking no argument.

Leah's grip could not be denied now as she pulled him away from me. Her eyes met mine and she looked less angry and more saddened now. I was confused and I needed some fucking answers. I knew between the two of them, Leah would be able to tell me better. "What's he talking about?" I asked, gesturing toward Jacob.

Leah heaved a sigh and plopped down on a chair she pulled over from the kitchen. "Look, Charlie, this is probably going against Bella's wishes, but I feel like you should know."

Jacob stormed into the kitchen and I heard a huge crash. Leah's head snapped up and she shot a furious look toward the kitchen. "Jake, for fuck's sake! Chill the fuck out before you make an even bigger tool out of yourself than you already have!" she shouted.

I saw Billy's lips twitch as Leah turned back to me, looking concerned now. "So I don't know how it's been between you and Renee, but when she decided to leave, she told Bella some fucked up shit."

I blinked as if waking up for the first time in, oh, twenty-one years. "What'd she say?" I asked cautiously, already fearing what I'd hear.

Leah slumped down and avoided eye contact with me. "Well, she pretty much told Bella that you knocked her up and that Bella was a mistake, and that she'd never wanted to be a mom. She-"

I stood up, feeling the horror and fury spill through me. "She _what?_" I shouted.

Leah looked apprehensive now. "Listen, I just thought you should know. She fucking ripped Bella up when she told her she'd never wanted her and that she hated her life in Forks."

I was in shock, but I knew underneath that, I felt a surge of violence such as I'd never experienced before. I felt sick when I recalled Bella's phone call to the bar last night, and how I'd scolded her for speaking of Renee with such disrespect. I'd never heard Bella sound so angry and now I understood why.

I set my beer down and thanked Leah softly before I left and drove home with my head so full of frustration and confusion and yes, fucking _pain _over what I'd just learned.

From the beginning, I'd always known Renee was a free spirit. Her carefree attitude and thirst for adventure had been what drew me to her in the first place, but it was how she made _me _feel that made me want her to stay. When we got pregnant, I was terrified...after all, I was only a stupid kid at the time, but I'd believed that it was a sign that Renee and I were meant to stay together.

As her pregnancy progressed, I found myself amazed with the changes in her body and all the incredible little things, like hearing Bella's heartbeat at the first doctor's appointment. I was completely floored the first time I felt Bella kicking against my hand, and I knew then what true and unconditional love felt like.

When Renee got closer to giving birth, she became distant and easily depressed. We would fight about the smallest things, and she was always mad about something or other. I'd been busting my ass to get through the police academy at the time, because I wanted to have a stable income to provide for my new family, but Renee hated my choice of profession. She fought against me, interrupting my studies to demand things, and I always gave in because I wanted to make sure she and Bella were taken care of.

The night Bella was born, I held her so gently in my arms, terrified that I would hurt her. As I looked down at her tiny precious little face, I realized that she was now the most important thing in my life. I would do anything for her to make sure she was always happy and healthy and taken care of.

Renee didn't seem to feel the same way.

As the days went on, Renee's selfishness and self-absorption became glaringly obvious. I would return home from work to find both of them crying and exhausted, and I'd spend the rest of the night trying to calm them down. I was the one to rock Bella to sleep or go to her in the night when she woke up, and Renee remained distant and disinterested in both Bella and me.

Fortunately, things had changed when Bella started preschool. Renee had more time for herself, and more energy to engage in the world around her. I worked such long hours that I was usually gone from early morning until late in the evening, but I'd assumed that Renee was coming to terms with her role as a mother. The years had slipped by and while we'd grown apart as husband and wife, everything had seemed to be comfortable in terms of taking care of Bella.

Things began to change when I became the police chief. I was gone a lot and I was always stressed out, but I knew Bella loved Renee and I thought Renee felt the same way about her daughter.

I was wrong, apparently.

I knew about Renee's affairs. I had always known. I couldn't honestly blame her, because we hadn't really _been _together for years by the time Bella was in high school. I didn't say anything about it, though, because I didn't want to rock the boat. Bella was a happy, healthy teenager and I didn't want to see her torn between us if Renee and I were to get a divorce.

As Bella's interests grew and took her further away from home, Renee's hobbies and affairs increased. I promised myself not to say anything unless she risked Bella finding out. Renee took all kinds of classes and I knew that was probably where she was picking up her lovers.

My stomach twisted in fury and disgust as I thought about Leah and Jacob's revelations. How could I have been so fucking stupid and blind about what was going on right under my nose?

I realized now that I was a coward for not leaving Renee and taking Bella with me. Maybe if I had, we would have been better off.

I had to find out where Renee was, but that wouldn't be too difficult. I was going to talk to that selfish waste of a mother and make sure she never got the chance to hurt my baby girl ever again.

The next day, I brought the rented truck to a stop in front of the sprawling ranch house that was the base for Awakenings, the New Age retreat in Arizona. I shut the engine off and climbed out, feeling the determination settle into my bones. The stairs on the front of the house led to a large wraparound porch, and I crossed it and knocked on the front door.

A petite woman with strawberry blond hair answered the door. She was dressed in a pair of gauzy white pants and a loose green peasant blouse. She gave me an open and welcoming smile, but it did little to calm the sizzling rage in my veins. "Welcome to Awakenings, I'm Tanya. How may I help you?" she greeted.

"Yeah, I'm here to see Renee Swan," I replied, trying not to let my anger show through.

The woman led me to a small parlor off the front of the house and asked me to wait while she went to get Renee. I took a seat and looked around the room, trying to calm the fury that still hadn't abated from the day before. I was looking forward to telling Renee _exactly _what I thought of her.

I heard soft footsteps coming down the stairs to my left, and I turned to watch my ex-wife coming toward me. "Charlie? What are you doing here?" she asked, looking confused and a little bit nervous.

She came to a stop across the room from where I sat, and I shot up out of my seat. "I think you know why I'm here, Renee," I replied with a deceptively calm tone.

Her eyes widened and she looked around nervously, but I didn't see anybody, and apparently neither did she. "What is this about?" she asked with a small tremor in her voice.

I could see the guilt at the edges of her expression, and I knew that I had her. "Did you tell Bella that she was a _fucking mistake_?" I demanded furiously.

She gasped and gulped at my anger. "I..I...well, no...I mean, not in so many words..." she stammered as she raised her hand to cover her throat, as if she were afraid I was going to fly across the room and go for her throat.

_Wouldn't be a bad idea, but it wouldn't solve anything, either. _

I settled for stepping closer to her until she had her back against the wall. This anger felt _good_; it felt cleansing and powerful. I embraced it as I stared her down. "Listen to me, Renee. If I _ever _hear of you contacting Bella again, I swear to god I will bring a world of pain down on you." The grave promise rang clear in my words, and I watched her tremble.

"You and I both know you'd never touch me, Charlie," she said in a shaky, pleading voice.

I backed up a bit and gave her a cool look. "No, of course I wouldn't, but there are plenty of other ways to make your life hell if you dare to hurt my baby again. The papers are signed, and we are free of you. Don't even _think _of asking for anything, because we've already given you far more than you deserve."

She straightened away from the wall and tugged nervously on her blouse. "I can't believe you're talking to me like this, Charles. I was your _wife _and the mother of your _child _for over twenty years!" she trilled indignantly.

My smile was savage and mirthless. "A 'wife' who passes through more hands than a library book is hardly worthy of the word. And you're right, she's _my _child. If you'd just kept your thoughts to yourself and left without airing your dirty laundry to Bella, then I would have just let it go. I probably would have even given you alimony, but you can kiss that goodbye now."

She gaped at me in shock. "But I thought-" she protested, only to be cut off.

"Yes, well, that's what you get for _thinking_. You fucked up, Renee. Accept it. You won't be getting anything from me now, and I'll make damn sure of it. I know people, and I'm not afraid to use those connections to make sure that you suffer just as much as you've caused Bella and I to suffer."

With that, I stepped away from her shocked face and made my way to the door. This hadn't taken very long, but it was entirely worth the trip. I halted at the door and turned to give her one last look over my shoulder. "Stay away from Forks, stay away from me, and _stay the fuck away from Bella_."

Without another word, I walked out and closed the door with a controlled _click _behind me.

EPOV

The hotel alarm clock blared in my ear and I rolled over miserably. I was exhausted from the long day yesterday, and I wasn't looking really looking forward to spending an entire weekend chaperoning this group of high school kids giddy at the prospect of being away from home.

As soon as our group had arrived at the hotel, I was swarmed by giggling, flirting teenage girls. I'd tried to be distant and professional, but eventually, I was forced to fabricate a girlfriend to get them off my back. I hated lying, but I also didn't want an ugly scene.

_Damn, high school girls could be persistent!_

I groaned and rolled out of the bed, hoping that hitting the floor would wake me up. I dropped on the ground with a loud grunt and rubbed at my gritty eyes. I was too tired for sightseeing and tourists and the ridiculously humid heat I knew would be waiting for me once I was up for the day.

With great resentment, I dressed in another long-sleeved button up and long pants to cover up all my tattoos. The gray shirt was plain and the dark jeans were more casual than I usually wore in front of people like Professor Allan, but I figured it would look suspicious or strange if I dressed professionally for the entire trip.

I grabbed my key card and stepped into my sneakers before heading out to meet the group down in the hotel lobby. I passed Bella's door and figured she was already downstairs, but I heard it open and I turned around to see her looking just as tired as I felt. "Morning," I greeted her.

She looked up at me and rolled her eyes. "This is _not _my idea of a good morning. I wonder if we'll be able to find somewhere to eat. I'm freaking starving after having nothing but fruit and salad yesterday," she grumbled.

I felt her pain. Dinner last night had been a very bare-bones affair indeed. Such was the life of a vegan in an omnivore's world, but it would have been nice to eat something more satisfying today.

This was the first time Bella had really commiserated with me on our similarities instead of putting all the attention on our differences, and I found myself relaxing in her presence a little bit more than I ever had before.

"I'm willing to bet there's a place close by that will cater to our needs," I replied reassuringly. "I found a couple places not too far from here last night, so maybe we can convince Allan to stop at one." I found myself holding my hand out toward her, but quickly snatched it back when I realized what I was doing.

Touching Bella would be a _very _bad idea this morning.

She smiled beatifically. "Ugh, that sounds good. I'm so freaking hungry."

Last night when I went to her hotel room, things had gotten a little out of hand for me. I wanted to believe that the hug and the resulting closeness was the beginning of a good friendship, but both my heart and my pants knew it was a different story. Bella was a beautiful girl, and her vulnerability last night had only brought that out even more.

Sitting on that big bed with her did things to me, things that I could barely sort out even today. Her presence soothed something in me, but it also caused an unfamiliar tension. Holding her had been a wonderful experience that allowed me to relax the inner control I always had on myself, but touching her also brought out conflicting feelings in me that could no longer be denied.

I wanted her _so _much, but that wasn't exactly something new, much to my dismay. I'd been fighting my attraction for her since the very beginning, but it was getting harder to ignore or dismiss. I had to fight myself consistently to keep from touching her or worse, kissing her.

These new feelings in me was alarming and I was terrified of what it meant. It wasn't something I could ignore or wish away, and even if I could, I suddenly wasn't entirely sure I _wanted _it to go away. I hadn't dated anyone since I was at Stanford, and it'd been so long since I'd let anybody get close to me.

I needed her, and it was insane.

_I _was insane to need her, to feel like she understood me. I wanted her, but that was entirely different from what I felt when I watched her crying and ranting against her mother last night. I knew she was messed up, but so was I...and for the first time, I felt like maybe I could reach out to someone else, and they could reach out to me.

I knew when she kissed me last night that I could have kissed her back. Heck, my entire body thought that would have been a _really _good idea, but my brain and my heart had held me back. I wanted to be with Bella, but I also didn't want to start something when we both had so much shit going on in our lives. Relationships like that never seemed to work out.

_Wait, what? A relationship? With Bella? Are you insane? _

Bella smiled shyly before turning to walk down the hallway in front of me. As I watched her go, I tried to remember all the reasons why being with Bella would be a horrible idea. I reminded myself that Bella and I may have a lot in common on certain issues, but there were _many _issues in which we didn't see eye-to-eye. To engage in a relationship with her would mean a lot of arguing and I just didn't know if I could be with someone who didn't understand and accept all of me.

As we reached the lobby, I was forced to push my thoughts aside as Professor Allan turned around and spotted us. He was surrounded by a group of fourteen students, ten of which were girls. I groaned when I saw some of them perk up and preen when they saw me.

This was going to be a long day.

The air was hot and sticky when we went outside to climb on the bus. Allan took the front seat behind the driver and Bella and I sat close behind him. We were sitting together without any conscious decision to do so, but I found that it felt nice to be this close to her after last night. She was really easy to be with when she let her guard down and dropped the sarcasm and anger.

Professor Allan didn't know I was vegan, but he had to know Bella was, so I reached out to tap his shoulder. "Hey, Mr. Allan, I was wondering if we can stop somewhere for Bella to get some food."

He turned and looked slightly surprised. "Oh, that's right. I'm sorry, Bella, I forgot you have special needs."

Way to make her sound like being a vegan is a disability.

Bella's eyebrows shot up and I saw her look like she was about to school him, but I met her eyes and shook my head slightly to let her know I'd handle this. "Actually, I wouldn't consider it a 'special need.' She just wants something more filling than salad, is all. There's a couple places close to here that would suffice, so it shouldn't take long."

He nodded and glanced at Bella again before turning back around. I saw her staring at me out of the corner of my eye, so I turned and looked at her. "What?" I asked, recognizing the defensiveness in my voice.

She just smirked and shook her head. "Nothing."

I got up to give the driver directions to the Java Green Cafe since it was the closest. When I got back to my seat, Bella looked at me as if she couldn't figure me out, so I just grinned and shrugged. "I'm hungry," I said simply.

She grinned. "How are you gonna handle an entire day of this ridiculous heat with those long sleeves?" she asked curiously.

I looked at what she was wearing and sighed in envy. Her tank top exposed the tattoos on her arms, but then, she didn't need to hide them because her father didn't want anyone to know she had them. Her black Dickies capri pants were tight, but they still looked a heck of a lot cooler than my heavy jeans. "I'm going to suffer in silence like the stoic guy I am," I joked sarcastically.

She snickered and I turned to look out the window. Thankfully, the bus had air conditioning, but I knew that once we had to get off and walk around, I'd be miserable. I decided to pick up some extra bottles of water at the restaurant to keep me cool.

Once we got to the cafe, I told Allan I was going to go with Bella to keep her company. We were ordering our food to go, so it wouldn't take very long. The professor announced he was going to get some donuts for everyone, and there was a collective cheer from all the students. I followed Bella off the bus and pointed to where we were headed, and she smiled gratefully.

After we ordered our food, we sat down and waited. Our stomachs were growling, and Bella looked self-conscious about it. I laughed when her stomach gave a particularly voracious growl and said, "Wow, Bella, I didn't think vegans ate grizzly bears. I think he's still alive."

She snorted and slapped my hand where it rested on the tabletop. The contact caused a zing of awareness to shoot through my veins, and I was stunned for a brief moment. It was something I would have to get used to, but I found I quite liked it. I hadn't really been interested in anyone since before my mother's death, so I considered this a good sign, even if it _was _with Bella.

I frowned at that thought, but our food was up, so I pushed it away and grabbed our to go boxes. Bella stopped to get some napkins and utensils, and then we went back out to the bus. The kids were sitting there eating donuts and chatting excitedly about the places we were going today. I dropped down into my seat and Bella sat next to me. I handed her food over and she chuckled when my stomach gave a plaintive howl at the sight of the sandwich in front of me. "This looks awesome. Thanks, _Edward_."

I picked up my sandwich and raised an eyebrow at her. I got why she was putting emphasis on my name, but instead of saying anything else, she just winked at me.

It was kind of adorable, really. I found I was glad.

The professor turned around and looked surprised that I had food, too. "Oh, are you a vegetarian too?" he asked me, looking surprised.

I saw Bella glance at me quickly before she swallowed and answered for me. "Edward was just being considerate. He didn't want me to feel awkward, I guess."

"Oh, well that's nice of you, Edward. How is it?" he asked, regarding our sandwiches with a mixture of curiosity and ill-hidden distaste. People like Allan _really _didn't get veganism. I had to fight the urge to snort and shake my head.

She was covering for me, and while it made my heart warm, it also made me feel bad. Not only was I lying to myself, but I was lying to the people around me. Somewhere along the way, Bella had apparently decided she needed to protect me.

"Wow, Bella, you were right! This is really good," I said with a grin as I swallowed a big bite. I knew I was playing it up for the professor's benefit, but it was my way of trying to let Bella know that I appreciated her effort to protect me from his scrutiny.

She grinned back at me and the professor turned around to face the front once more. We ate in silence but I thought about what just happened, so when I was done eating, I turned to Bella. I bent my head so only she could hear me. "I think I owe you an apology."

Bella looked surprised. "For what?" she whispered.

"For making you keep my secret. I mean, my friends know that I'm different when I'm at school and around my father's friends, but you're the only other person who knows both sides of me," I explained ruefully.

She looked up at me and a question passed through her big brown eyes. "It's okay," she finally replied.

I relaxed my shoulders. "You can tell your friends, if you want. I know they're probably really confused about what happened that night at the show..."

Bella looked like she was considering this. "Okay, I'll tell them, but I'll ask them to keep it to themselves. They're really loyal, so I know they won't say anything if I ask them not to."

I was touched that Bella would be that considerate of me, even though it made me feel like a total wimp at the idea of her protecting my secret. I should just man up and let the truth come out.

Somewhere between the Lincoln Memorial and the Washington Monument, I made up my mind and began working out the details of what I needed to do.

It was time to make this decision and see it through, once and for all.

BPOV

When we got back to the hotel, I was exhausted. It was hard work keeping a bunch of teenagers together in a group, and there were quite a few spoiled girls in our group who were used to getting their way.

It was pretty clear that a few of them were set on pursuing Edward, and I would have felt bad for him if I didn't feel the infuriating jealousy in the pit of my stomach every time one of them would flirt or touch him in any way.

I kept my silence, though, because I didn't think Edward wanted me to defend his honor by clawing out some poor seventeen-year-old girl's eyes. _Grr._

Professor Allan made the day educational and enjoyable, but I was ready to drop dead from fatigue and hunger. Our big breakfast had worn off by lunchtime, and Edward and I were forced to settle for another salad at lunch.

The students were heading upstairs and I turned to say goodnight to Edward. He was on the phone with someone, so I gave him a little wave and nod before heading for the elevators. I was resigned to another plain baked potato with steamed vegetables, so it surprised me when Edward ran to catch up with me. "Hey, did you want to get some dinner? My friend is coming to pick me up, and I figured you might be hungry too."

He looked embarrassed, but I couldn't figure out why. "That would be awesome," I replied, relieved. I definitely wanted to get some quality food, but I was also really curious to see what Edward was like around people who knew him.

"Okay, great. I'll let her know," he said as he flipped his phone open and typed out a text message.

_Her? _My mind instantly conjured up a scenario in which I had just become the third wheel on a date between Edward and his long distance lover. _Awesome. _

Fuck. Maybe that's why he didn't encourage the kiss last night. That was _beyond _embarrassing.

I mumbled something about going upstairs to freshen up, and he nodded and followed me into the elevator. I cursed myself for not being able to handle this with calm acceptance. It was better to find out right now if he was unavailable so that I could stop dreaming about licking his ink-covered skin every night. I braced myself for disappointment and forced myself to sound casual. "So, um, is your...friend...from DC?"

He looked up from his phone briefly. "Oh, no, she lives in Forks. She's just here for the summer to visit her dad," he replied distractedly.

I _hated _that my stomach plunged. I didn't like the hollow feeling in my heart, either. "Oh, I see. How long have you two known each other?" I asked, obviously a glutton for punishment.

He clicked his phone shut and looked at me with a vague smile. "For a few years, ever since she started going to my church."

Great, so she probably knew everything about him already. I was beginning to feel the disappointment turning into despair, but I knew I had to hold this shit together because fuck, _I still needed to eat._

I nodded to let him know I heard him and turned to stare blindly at the metal doors of the elevator. Once we reached our floor, I hurried out and practically dove into my room to calm the fuck down so I wouldn't let him see how much this horrible news affected me.

About fifteen minutes later, there was a knock on the door and I braced myself to answer it. Edward was wearing an Earth Crisis t-shirt with a lightweight black jacket over it so that his tattoos were still covered. He looked so fucking good that it made my chest ache. He smiled and gestured for me to follow him.

Down in the lobby, I saw a petite girl with short black hair with red streaks running through it. Her bangs were short and with her pale porcelain skin, she looked just like Audrey Hepburn...only more punked out. She wore a black xSidetrackedx t-shirt with a pair of dark skinny jeans and black canvas hightops. She looked beautiful and confident, but when she saw me, her face changed.

She was giving me the hairy eye.

Edward reached her and swung her up for a big bear hug, and I averted my eyes when she kissed his cheek. It wasn't any of _my _business, but if I'd been away from Edward for an entire summer, _I _wouldn't have been content with a kiss on the cheek.

Hell, I probably wouldn't be content until he was naked on top of me and I...

_Ugh. _

The jealousy was burning in the fiery pit of hell that my stomach had become, and I wanted nothing more in that moment than to escape back up to my hotel room. I could subsist on salad and fruit for the rest of the weekend if I really had to.

"Bella, this is Alice. Alice, meet Bella," Edward said as he introduced us.

"Nice to meet you," Alice greeted in a voice that was somewhat cool and distant.

I nodded my head nervously. The last thing I wanted to do was get in a cat fight with this girl; she may be small, but she looked _fierce_. "Um, yeah, nice to meet you, too."

"So where did you wanna go?" Edward asked her.

She regarded me silently before answering him. "I thought we could go to Asylum. They're not completely vegan, but they have lots of stuff we can eat and the atmosphere is really chill."

"Sounds good," he said.

We headed out and I trailed behind them, wondering how much more awkward this could get. I hugged my coat close to myself and struggled to play it cool and calm, just like Alice. I didn't know why she would be so unhappy to hang out with me, but then I supposed if I'd been away from my boyfriend, I wouldn't really want to share him either.

I sighed and resolved to just put up with it, because I was stuck now. If I really wanted to change and stop being so angry all the time, I needed to start exercising some control over my temper. I should stay calm and let Alice's bitchiness just slide off me.

We climbed into her car and I noted how sleek and expensive it was, even though I had no idea what it was. I sat silently in the small backseat and allowed them to talk and catch up.

Edward tried to draw me into the conversation on several occasions, but I resisted and soon we were at the restaurant. Once we were seated, we ordered our food and I tried to remain as unobtrusive as possible.

"Jasper's about ready to quit his job so he can come out here," Edward said with a laugh.

Alice's face crumpled a little. "I'd probably let him. I miss him so much," she sighed.

_Wait, what? _I racked my brain, trying to make sense of this. Suddenly, it clicked. I recalled seeing Jasper shirtless at Veg Fest when OCS played. He had the huge 'Alice' tattoo on his back.

Edward must have seen my confusion. "Alice is engaged to Jasper, my bass player," he explained.

"Oh, yeah, I remember now," I replied, recalling the phone call I'd witnessed at Warped Tour. I felt like such an idiot for not putting two and two together, but at least that meant that Edward wasn't going to dump me off at the hotel so he could play doctor with Alice.

Edward sat forward in his seat to remove his jacket, and I felt the drool begin to pool in my mouth as his toned and inked arms were revealed to me, up close and personal. I found myself wishing desperately that we were closer so that I could "accidentally" touch him.

I realized I was staring at Edward like a starving woman when I heard Alice clear her throat. She was giving me a strange look. "I have to use the bathroom. Bella?" She stood and looked at me expectantly.

Edward regarded Alice with a furrowed brow, as if her behavior was confusing to him. I had to admit that now that I knew she wasn't acting this way out of jealousy or possessiveness, I was also confused. What could her problem be with me?

I followed her to the bathroom and stood by the sinks while she did her business. I waited for the other shoe to drop while she washed her hands and fluffed her hair in the mirror. Finally, she sighed and turned to me. "I'm sorry for being rude. Honestly, I didn't expect Edward to bring you tonight."

"Why not?" I asked, curious but also offended.

She turned and looked at me in the mirror. "Because the last I heard, you hated him and wanted nothing to do with him."

I blushed uncomfortably and refused to meet her eyes. "That's...not true," I whispered.

Alice spun around and popped up to sit on the counter. "At the risk of sounding like a nosy bitch, I have to ask: what's going on between the two of you?"

I sighed and looked around the bathroom to avoid looking at her shrewd eyes. Keeping a tether on my temper was becoming difficult, but I could see that she was just trying to protect her friend, the way Leah protected me. "Nothing. I don't know. I wasn't very nice to him in the beginning, but I feel bad about that now."

"Do you?" she asked. Her voice wasn't harsh, exactly, but I was surprised at her questioning me.

"Of course," I replied coolly. I was beginning to get annoyed now. The old Bella would have immediately jumped down her throat, but the new Bella was struggling to maintain her composure.

She bit her lip as if she was considering something. Finally, she looked down at her lap and spoke. "It may be none of my business, but I feel the need to say this anyway. You and Edward didn't get off to the best start, and that makes me worry. Ever since he met you, his moods have been...volatile. Jasper told me about the last show."

"That was awhile ago. Things are different now," I told her. I didn't know why we were still talking about this, honestly. Edward wasn't interested in me like that, and I knew after witnessing what a good person he really was that I frankly did not deserve him. Her warning only served to remind me that I should probably just keep my distance, because nothing good could come of my crush on him.

"I know, but it still worries me. Edward hasn't been interested in dating since before Elizabeth died, and I'd hate to see him open up to the wrong person. If another relationship blows up in his face, it could destroy him."

_The wrong person? _Ouch!

I struggled to maintain my outer calm. Alice was sorely testing my restraint.

I was angry, but I wasn't sure what I could say. It wasn't like Edward and I had something going on, so I couldn't tell her to butt out. I also couldn't lie and say I didn't have feelings for him. I felt a surge of self-pity clawing at my insides.

In the end, I settled for an attempt at a half-truth. "Well, you don't have to worry about that, k? Even if I _was _interested in Edward, that doesn't mean he's interested in _me_. It's highly unlikely that we'd ever get together, let alone close enough to where it could affect him," I grumbled haughtily.

Alice's eyebrow shot up and she gave me a condescending look. "Don't you see? You've _already _affected him. It's only a matter of time, now."

Her cryptic words left me feeling conflicted and confused as she slipped off the counter and walked to the bathroom door. I saw myself in the mirror standing there like an idiot with my mouth agape, but I couldn't seem to form a coherent comeback.

Alice paused at the door and turned to regard me once more. "Edward has a _lot _of _extremely _loyal friends, Bella. If you're good to him, then we'll have your back, too...but if you fuck up and hurt him, then we'll be your worst nightmare. _Do not fuck with him. _Understand?"

The warning in Alice's tone was clear, but I finally could not ignore the need to defend myself. "Listen, I know why you're doing this. I'd do the same fucking thing if I were you, but please believe me when I say it's not necessary. I'm not going to make the same mistake twice."

I was breathing hard with the effort to keep myself calm. _I'd do the same thing if anyone tried to hurt Edward now_.

That one truth was the thing that saved me from going off on her for assuming things. It was likely that she only knew about the shit that had happened in the beginning, so that was all she had to go on. Looking back, it would be difficult to believe that I _wasn't _some sketchy bitch bent on ruining Edward's life.

However, that didn't mean I had to take this lying down. Alice was looking me right in the eye, and I met her gaze clearly and confidently before I spoke. "You have nothing to worry about."

She examined my expression and once she was satisfied, she pushed the door open and strolled out as if nothing had just happened.

**A/N: Holy crap! I love Charlie and I hope Alice gave everyone a kick in the pants. Don't worry, things will work out.**

**The chapters will be packed with stuff, at least for a while, because I want to get the story moving. The progress will start really picking up momentum now, so don't worry...things will start coming together. Stick with it and be patient and I assure you, it'll be worth it;) **

**So what'd you think? I must know! **


	16. The Kill

**A/N: This is a _packed _chapter, everyone. I hope you enjoy it! I'm so stoked to bring you the moment I think you've been waiting for.... The song in this chapter is 30 Seconds to Mars "The Kill." It's not the type of music OCS does, but Edward adapted it for his purposes:)**

**Psst: Thanks to my beta, Adrena. You rock for putting up with me writing four chapters in two days! **

**Here we go! **

BPOV

The next day, I woke up groggy and confused. Last night after Alice had cornered me in the bathroom, I returned to the table and averted my eyes as Edward stared her down with a surprisingly stern expression on his face. She didn't fidget, though; she just stared right back at him as if she could lay all his secrets out in an instant if he so much as opened his mouth.

The rest of dinner had passed in an uncomfortable silence, with only the occasional question about the food or plans for the following day. I tried to minimize my presence as much as possible, but Edward reached out to touch me in small ways on more than one occasion.

Every time he did, it felt like I was touching a live wire. I became accustomed to it by the time we returned to the hotel and he bid me goodnight at my door.

I had no idea what was going on between us, but I was certainly mystified by this new Edward. He was considerate, comforting, and friendly. I was utterly and completely charmed by him, in ways I'm sure he couldn't even begin to imagine.

I spent the night tossing and turning, trying desperately to get a hold on my feelings. I knew that I had a major crush on him, but I also knew that something between us could never work because we were so very different. We were on opposite sides of the fence, and this wasn't some Romeo and Juliet situation in which we would toss everything aside because our families were keeping us apart.

No, the things keeping Edward and I apart were entirely up to us. I had my beliefs and convictions, and he had his.

Ne'er the twain shall meet.

I felt more than a little disappointed at the thought, but it didn't stop my imagination from dreaming up all kinds of fantasies in which he was Tony and not Edward, and we could be together completely...in every way. No fighting, no huge gulfs between us, just our shared passions and my complete lust for him.

Could it ever happen?

I didn't really think so, but a girl could always hope...

EPOV

I woke up to my alarm and dragged my butt out of bed to get ready. It would be another sweltering day and I was dying a little bit inside at the thought of covering up like I'd had to yesterday.

For the first time I could remember, I cursed Carlisle in my head and wished that I could just show my arms and legs and let myself be free. To hell with the people who would judge me on my appearance.

Still, I grudgingly dressed in a long-sleeved white button-up and some lightweight khaki pants. A braided faux leather belt and shoes completed my preppy little ensemble and I headed out the door with a heavy heart weighing me down.

Was it really so wrong for me to want to be my own person? To dress and act the way I wanted to, without worrying so much about everyone else's opinion of me? I asked myself for the thousandth time why Carlisle couldn't simply accept me for who I'd become over the past few years, but as usual, no answer was forthcoming.

I walked down the hall just as Bella's door opened and she smiled up at me. I blinked and looked away before smiling back at her. We'd come such a long way now, and I was relieved. I wanted to be Bella's friend. When she was relaxed (meaning she didn't want to rip me a new one), she was intelligent, funny, and cool. She had interesting ideas and we'd spent a lot of yesterday going back and forth on a lot of topics.

Naturally, we'd avoided the hot topics by some unspoken agreement. I was fine with that for now, but I knew it would come up sooner or later.

I'd taken her to dinner with Alice last night, and I could tell that Alice had said something to Bella when they went to the bathroom. When Bella returned, she'd been quiet and withdrawn, as if she were trying to disappear into the background. That just wasn't like her, but I didn't really know what to say, so I didn't say anything at all. I merely tried to make her feel comfortable, even though Alice was obviously in a mood.

We walked down the hall to the elevator together and headed for the group in the lobby. We'd be touring the White House today, and I could tell everyone was really excited. I'd been there a couple times, myself, but I was always really fascinated with the history and ambiance of the huge monument to our government.

The day went by quickly, and thankfully, we weren't out in the heat for very long. Bella kept casting me sympathetic glances and she even patted my arm a couple of times in a consoling gesture when everyone opted to eat lunch outside. Bella and I settled for a feast of raw vegetables and fruit, topped off with huge amounts of ice water to keep the heat stroke at bay.

After the White House, we went to a couple of the Smithsonian museums and raced through them, not really taking our time to enjoy and soak it all in. My personal favorite was the Air and Space Smithsonian, but we didn't really get to spend much time there.

We returned to the hotel, sweaty and exhausted. The heat had robbed me of my desire to go out tonight, so I called Alice and begged her to come hang out at the hotel instead. She promised to bring food and I thanked her gratefully.

By the time she arrived at my room, I was freshly showered and dressed in a more comfortable outfit of jeans and a plain black t-shirt. My hair was dripping wet and my feet were bare, so the A/C made me a little chilly. I threw on a FATA hoodie just as Alice rapped impatiently on the door. "Edward! Come get this food!" she demanded through the door.

I opened up to find Alice loaded down with some grocery bags. I quickly took them from her and she produced a white take out bag from her large purse. "You have a mini-fridge right?" she asked. I nodded. "Good, because I brought you some soymilk and some cereal for breakfast, and I took the liberty of buying you some pre-packaged dinners that you can either eat cold or throw away, for all I care. I don't want you to starve here," she said grumpily.

Alice was a hilarious person. She always felt like it was her job to take care of everyone, and you could tell she secretly enjoyed it, even though she grumbled and grumped around like it was such a huge inconvenience. Who knew _why _she acted this way...she just did.

I thanked her profusely and walked over to the fridge to unload the goods. She'd also bought some Clif bars, a package of cookies, and some fresh fruit. I smiled appreciatively as I put everything away and turned back around to give her a big hug. She was dwarfed by my frame, but she hugged me back just as tightly. "Thanks, peanut," I said into her inky black hair.

She scoffed and shoved me away. "Don't mention it. Now, I brought you some curry from a place down the street. It's really freaking good, so I hope you give it the appreciation that it deserves."

I grabbed the white bag she held out and opened it up to smell the spicy sweet scent of red curry. "Mmmm, thanks. This is awesome. You're aces in my book."

Alice rolled her eyes, still playing the inconvenience card. I just laughed and ruffled her hair. "Did you wanna hang out and watch a movie or something?" I offered.

She shook her head. "Jasper's going to call soon, and then I'm going to go out with my snooty brat of a step sister to help her find a dress for some stupid function coming up. My dad practically begged me to make nice with her, even though she's _horrid_."

I laughed and set the bag down so I could pat her on the back sympathetically. "Don't worry, Al. You'll be home before you know it, and Jasper will be really happy to see you."

She nodded and wiped a tear away. I hated to see her missing Jasper so much. I pulled her in for another comforting hug and then she said she had to go. I walked her to the door and said my goodbyes before returning back to the bed.

I stared down at the curry and thought about it for a moment. Bella was probably hanging out in her room all by herself right now. I decided it wouldn't hurt to check it out and see if she'd like to share some of this food with me.

Without second-guessing myself, I wandered down the hall to the next door and knocked softly. She pulled the door open, looking worn out and freshly showered. Her hair was sticking up all around her head in spikes and her eyes were puffy and red. I wondered if she'd been crying again, but she acted completely normal. "Hey, what's up?" she greeted me.

I held up the bag and pointed to it. "D'you like red curry?" I asked with a smile.

Her eyes lit up and she looked at me questioningly. "Alice brought me a huge amount of food, which is good, but I can't eat all of it. I figured you might be able to help with that," I chuckled.

She pushed the door open and ushered me inside, obviously ravenous. I laughed and we dug out the complimentary coffee cups next to the coffee maker. I dished up the rice and curry, and we dug in eagerly. She paused in her eating only to thank me with her mouth full. "This is..._mmmm_... awesome. Thank you," she said between bites.

I picked up the remote and turned on the television. Comedy Central was playing another stupid movie, so we settled in and ate the rest of the curry. Bella laughed uproariously and I watched her with amusement as she enjoyed herself. She looked so young and innocent without her hair and make up done.

I kind of liked it. She didn't look anything like the angry, bitter girl she used to be when we first met.

When the movie was over, we rinsed the cups out and sat back down on the bed facing each other. She shifted around and looked up at me with a question in her eyes. "What?" I asked.

She looked sheepish. "I was just wondering something," she replied quietly.

"Oh yeah? What was it?" I pushed.

She met my eyes. "Did you quit the band?"

I sighed and scrubbed a hand down my face. "No, I didn't. I just...it's a long story."

Bella grabbed the pillow behind her and fluffed it up before sitting back against it. "Would you explain it to me?"

I stared at her for a long moment before conceding. "My dad...wants me to be Edward all the time. He doesn't like or approve of my band, or my tattoos, or my veganism."

She looked surprised. "Is that why you put up this front whenever you're around people who know your father?" she asked curiously.

I nodded. "I mean, it's not _exactly _a 'front.'" I could tell she was confused, so I tried to explain the best I could. "I _am _a Republican and a Christian, but if it weren't for his influence, I'd be a lot more relaxed in my beliefs. I certainly wouldn't dress the way I do, and I wouldn't hide my tattoos or my music. I'm not doing anything that goes against my religious beliefs or my political views."

She nodded but looked like she still had something to say. I wasn't sure I wanted to hear it, because it was probably the same thing I'd heard from my friends a thousand times before.

"Was he always like this?" she asked finally.

I shook my head. "He was really awesome when my mom was alive, but after I came back from Stanford and she died, he turned into this whole other person. I feel like I don't even know him anymore, but...he's the only family I have left, so I have to hold it together for him," I told her sadly.

She appeared to think about this for a time. "Have you guys gone to counseling or anything?"

I laughed bitterly and shook my head again. "Carlisle doesn't believe in therapy, even though he's a doctor. Well, what I _should _say is that he doesn't believe in therapy for _himself_. He thinks this whole mess could be fixed if I simply stepped in time with his beat and left my entire future up to him."

Her forehead crinkled and I could tell she was feeling sorry for me. "Hey, I didn't tell you this so you could feel bad for me," I joked lamely.

She quickly changed her expression and reached a hand toward me. I sat still and let her grip my hand gently. "You're much stronger than I could ever be," she whispered.

I was shocked by her words. The shock quickly gave way to anger at myself, and my father. I scoffed and shook her hand off. "I'm not strong, or brave, or anything else people tell you when people you love die. I'm a fucking mess and I don't know how to fix it. If I were _stronger_, then I could just tell my father to go screw himself and do what _I _want to do..."

"Then why don't you?" she asked quietly, placing her hand on top of mine once more. Her grip was tighter this time, as if she refused to be pushed away again.

I dropped my head and felt the pain clench in my chest. "I can't lose my father, too. If I told him that, he'd disown me and I would be alone. He's my father, Bella. I love him, even if he's a judgmental prick sometimes."

Her fingers were soft as they ran across the back of my hand, soothing me. "You'll never know if you don't try," she replied softly.

I looked up at her and wondered how she could cut to the heart of the matter so well, when it was so easy to deflect everyone else who tried to tell me this. "I...guess you're right," I said hollowly.

Bella's eyes teared up a little and she leaned forward to hug me. It was awkward, because our legs kept her from getting too close, but her arms still wrapped around my shoulders and I buried my face in her hair, inhaling the scent of hotel shampoo and Bella's skin. It was comforting and sweet, and it solidified my sudden resolve.

"I should go," I muttered as I pulled away from her. If I stayed here now, I'd be kissing her, and if I were kissing her, then I'd be weak and she would know it. I couldn't let her see me even weaker than I was right now, so I got up and left reluctantly.

She stood at her door and watched me leave with those big, sad brown eyes. I wanted to reassure her, to tell her that everything would be okay...not just with me, but with her as well, but if there was one thing that I'd learned over the past few years, it was that life wasn't fair and simply wanting and trying your best didn't always mean you got what you wanted.

Sometimes life just sucked, but you had to keep living because dying wasn't an option, and neither was giving up.

I gave her one last tiny wave before I returned to my room and pulled my phone from my pocket. I saw his last missed phone call still on my screen, so I clicked on it and hit the button to return it. It would be a lot earlier there than it was here, but I figured he'd be home by now anyway.

"Edward? So nice of you to finally call me back," he said bitterly.

My chest tightened and I felt the words building up in my throat. "Sorry," I mumbled guiltily.

"It's okay, I forgive you. How's D.C.?" he asked, sounding mollified.

The anger I'd felt in Bella's room returned tenfold. "No, I didn't mean I was sorry for not calling you back; I meant I'm sorry that I can't be what you want me to be. I'm done."

I heard his sharp intake of breath. "What gives you the right to speak to me this way?" he demanded angrily. "I'm your _father_, and I think I deserve a little bit of respect!"

His words only fueled the fire. "You have a choice, Carlisle: you can either accept me as I am, or I can move out and you can say goodbye to your only son."

My ultimatum sat there in the space between us, insurmountable and terrifying. I held my breath, waiting for anything...a sign, a word...

But all I heard was a click.

BPOV

Edward was distant the next morning, but I figured it was only because he was embarrassed by his confession the night before. I wanted to tell him it was okay, that I wasn't judging him for it, but I didn't really get the chance.

He was still kind and considerate, and I was grateful. He slipped me some food in the morning and I smiled thankfully at him as we ate in silence.

I tried to give him some space to let him work out whatever was going on in his mind, but I still hoped that he'd come hang out with me once we returned to the hotel. I was sorely disappointed when he stayed in his room and left me to my own miserable company.

I hadn't spoken to Charlie since the night I'd called him at the bar, but that didn't mean he wasn't trying to reach me. I ignored his calls and everyone else's, because I just wasn't ready to talk about what happened the other night. I knew I'd have to tell Leah, Jake, and Emily about the bar and breaking my edge...but I just wasn't ready right now.

The last morning for our group in D.C. was hot and smoggy. We headed for the airport and Edward once again spent most of his time staring out the window. I moved back a couple rows to give him some space, because it was obvious that he was brooding over something. We definitely were not close enough for me to try and drag it out of him, so I just kept my distance and felt like that was the right thing to do.

The plane ride was boring and long, and I was seated next to a middle aged woman who ignored me in favor of her romance novel, which was just fine by me. I whiled away the ride listening to music and finishing my book.

By the time we landed, I already missed Edward and the tentative friendship we'd formed. I wondered if it would continue once we returned to school, or if we'd go back to bickering and fighting. I sincerely hoped not, but I wasn't sure. Maybe his aloofness was to prepare me for him pulling away from me again.

At the baggage claim, he came up to me and looked at me with a serious expression on his face. "We're having a show tomorrow night. You should come."

I gaped at him as the implication set in. "You're having a show?" I asked, surprised.

He nodded his head but didn't say anything else. He reached out to give me a one-armed hug, because he grasped his suitcase in the other hand, and didn't meet my eyes as he turned and walked away. I stood there, completely stunned.

Apparently Edward was standing up to his father, and it seemed like he'd done it right after our talk. It certainly explained his distant behavior the past couple days, but...and this made me feel _awful_...what if he'd taken my advice and his father had shut him out?

Had my advice just ruined his relationship with his only remaining family?

The thought made me absolutely sick to my stomach.

When I got home from the airport, Charlie's cruiser was gone and I wasn't terribly surprised. His presence would have been more of a surprise at this point. I headed up the stairs and plugged in my phone, debating whether I should call Leah now or later.

I stared at the screen on my phone for a few minutes before deciding to just get it over with. I dialed her number and waited for her to pick up. "Hello?" she asked, sounding busy.

"Hey, it's me. Are you busy?" I asked, hoping she'd say yes so I could get out of this.

"Not at all, just a sec." I heard her shout to Jake that I was on the phone and then his deep voice saying something in response. She must have gone outside, because it was quiet all of a sudden. "Okay, I'm back. How was your trip?"

I sighed guiltily. "I did something really fucking stupid," I blurted. I might as well rip it off like a band-aid.

"What did you do?" she asked in her menacing mommy tone. I flinched and reminded myself that she wasn't _my _mom.

"I sort of...broke my edge," I admitted.

"You _what?_" she yelled into the phone. "Isabella Marie Swan, I cannot believe you! What happened?"

I collapsed back on the bed and stared at the popcorn ceiling. "I called Charlie, and he was at the bar _again_, and I was just so fucking mad and I hated it...and it was like something just took over and I decided to be a gigantic idiot. It was just one time and I fucking hate myself for it," I explained.

Her breathing calmed down and she sounded sad now. "Oh, honey, I wish you'd waited to get home so you could talk to Charlie. He really wants to talk to you," she said.

I was confused. "What are you talking about? He hasn't been around since Renee left. If he wanted to talk to me, he'd have been here," I replied bitterly.

She sighed heavily. "Well, he was being a dipshit before. His head was so far up his ass, but it's all good now. Isn't he there?"

"No, he's not," I said.

Leah hummed. "He must be at work, then. Just try and be patient, Belly. He'll be home soon and you two can talk about all of this, okay?"

I wondered if she was right, but decided that she probably was. Leah seemed to know a lot of shit these days. I told her I was going to take a nap and we got off the phone.

A couple hours later, I woke up to the sound of the front door slamming. Heavy boots crossed the floor and I ran downstairs to see my father trudging in, looking exhausted but sober. I stopped at the foot of the stairs and stared at him. "Hey," I said quietly.

He looked up at me as if he hadn't seen me standing there. I watched his face carefully, realizing this was the first time he'd seen me since I'd chopped off all my hair. His eyes widened and he suddenly looked so _sad_. He looked me over as if he were taking stock of all the changes in my physical appearance. I wasn't completely out of it; I knew I'd lost some weight, and I had some dark circles that had taken up permanent residence beneath my eyes. He recovered rather quickly, however. "You're home."

I nodded and wondered if he was okay. He toed off his boots and removed his holster before unbuttoning and removing his uniform dress shirt. Now in a white t-shirt and his starched pants, he crossed over to the couch, bypassing his chair completely. I was surprised.

He sat down and patted the seat next to him. "I want to talk to you," he said gravely.

I walked over and took a seat. "Okay..."

Charlie ran a hand through his close-cropped hair and dropped his hands down to slap his thighs nervously. "I heard about what Renee said to you," he began.

"You did?" I asked, surprised.

He nodded. "Why didn't you tell me, Bells?"

I looked away. "I didn't know if you'd care or not..."

I heard a sharp inhale and snapped my head around to look at him. He had an expression of anguish on his face. "Of _course _I'd care, Bella! You're my daughter!" His face collapsed then, and I watched him warily. "I know I haven't handled this very well, honey. I should have been here for you. I'm so _sorry_."

I examined his face carefully. "She said...she said I was a mistake and that you forced her to keep me," I stuttered pathetically.

His face got hard and angry then. "She was wrong. You were never a mistake; you were a blessing. You were _my _blessing. I've loved you to distraction since the day you were born. It's her own fault that she never saw what an amazing gift you were to us, Bella. Don't you _ever _think for one minute that I didn't want you."

His words stunned and amazed me. Charlie was never one to speak about his feelings, so I could tell that he was completely out of his element right now. I was amazed I wasn't crying like a little baby right now, actually.

I supposed it was his calm and collected demeanor that kept me from losing my shit in the face of his vehement declaration.

He reached out and pulled me close for a hug. I sat frozen for a moment before I was able to return it. "When I held you for the first time, you became my entire world. I'll always be grateful to Renee for giving me you, but that's all I will ever feel for her again. She won't bother you anymore, honey."

The tears finally came, and I held him tightly, absorbing his familiar scent of starch and stale coffee. It was so comforting to be with him like this.

"I want you to know I'm not going to go to the bar anymore, either. I lost myself a little bit, but I'm here now. I won't do that again, okay?" I nodded and buried my face in his shirt again.

It reminded me of how safe and sound I felt whenever Edward touched me, but I pushed that thought away as quickly as it came.

I pulled myself together enough to break the hug and sniffle. I wiped my nose and looked up at his worried face. "I love you, daddy."

He seemed to relax. "I love you too, sweetheart."

I knew we still had a lot to work out, but the most important things were out of the way now. I was still hurt over his absence, but the anger was no longer there. I knew he'd talk to me in his own time, and things would take time to fix, but I felt much more optimistic than I had before our talk.

We spent the rest of the evening relaxing and watching television. I hated _Seinfeld _but my father loved it, so I sat through two episodes with him before giving in to my physical and emotional exhaustion. I kissed him goodnight and headed upstairs, floating on a cloud of relief.

We were going to be okay.

EPOV

The venue was full and I was looking around, hoping to spot Bella. I wasn't sure if she would come tonight or not, but I had my fingers crossed.

Tonight would be the night I declared my independence from my father, and I felt like she needed to be here to witness it.

I finally saw her enter through the front, followed by Leah and their friend Emily. Jake's band was also playing tonight, so I knew they'd be hanging around for that, too. I caught her eye and waved as we finished setting up. We ran through the sound check and got ready for our set. Only three bands were playing tonight, and we were the second one to play.

I headed over to the bar to get some bottles of water and when I returned, Bella was standing up front to the side of the stage. I smiled and she smiled back, but she looked like she felt bad about something. I wondered what it could be, but I had no idea, so I let it go.

Emmett, Seth, Jasper, and I all took our places onstage. I lifted the mic from the stand and greeted everyone before telling them we would be doing a somewhat unconventional cover.

The music started pounding, hard and melodic. People started swaying and I began singing, infusing the song with all the pain and frustration that I'd been feeling for the past three years.

I was completely surprised when I looked up to see Carlisle and Esme coming through the crowd. His eyes were locked on mine, and I felt my heart freeze in my chest. I shook myself and broke his gaze only long enough to tear off my shirt and stand tall in front of him, each of my tattoos showing. His eyes clenched in anger and something that looked like disgust.

I bent forward, aching and filled with pain as I sang the last verses directly to him. The original song was much more melodic, but our cover was fast and pounding. My voice was seething, snarling, full of the fury and anguish I'd kept locked inside all these years.

"_Come break me down_

_Bury me, bury me_

_I am finished with you_

_Look in my eyes_

_You're killing me, killing me_

_All I wanted was you_

_I tried to be someone else_

_But nothing seemed to change_

_I know now, this is who I really am inside._

_Finally found myself_

_Fighting for a chance._

_I know now, this is who I really am."_

His face paled and I saw Esme grip his arm. The song finished and she gave me a sad smile before yanking him out of the club. I watched him go, feeling broken in two.

My eyes found Bella and she watched me, tears streaming down her face. She looked so sad. Her hand came up, covering her mouth and then sliding down to her neck. She didn't turn away when she saw me looking at her. It dawned on me that she'd realized that my father was here, and what had just happened. Her large brown eyes were full of grief and pain, and for some reason, I _knew _she was feeling the pain for me.

I stared at her, trying to tell her in some small way that I would be okay. I hated to see her cry for me.

The music for our next song started and I pulled myself out of it, turning back to my band. Jasper watched me as he plucked the bass, his eyes full of concern and shock. Emmett nodded when my cue to sing came, so I turned back to the crowd and stood on the edge of the stage, throwing myself into the music. The drums were loud and savage, the guitar ripping through the small club. People were going crazy and I put my all into the song.

When the set was over, I had to sit down and breathe deeply. My throat was raw and my pulse was racing too fast. I almost passed out a couple of times, but Emmett poured water over my head and shoved it between my legs, forcing me to calm down.

Once I recovered, I realized how relieved I felt. I was angry, but it was also freeing. I had released myself from the tyranny of my unreasonable father, and I was now free to be the person I wanted to be. When school came on Monday, I would be wearing the clothes _I _chose; I would show my tattoos, be myself, and stop caring so much about everyone's opinion.

The only thing I had to figure out now was where I would live.

The next band started up and I watched Jake doing his thing. He stood, one leg up on the amp as he shouted into the microphone until his face turned red. People were going nuts all around him. Bella and Leah were right up front. I watched her, seeing the people bumping into her from behind. She didn't seem to notice or care, but I found I did.

BPOV

The dancers were getting crazy now; sweaty bodies were slamming into each other, and I was taking hits from elbows, fists, and knees across my back. "Oof!" I grunted as another fist accidentally landed right between my shoulder blades, causing me to bend over the stage in pain.

Suddenly, I saw a pair of colorful arms surround me as his strong hands rested along the edge of the stage on either side of me. His solid body was all around me, protecting me and my back from the brunt of the moshing going on behind me. I stood, completely frozen, as he bent low to speak directly into my ear. "Better?"

Edward's scent was all around me, just like his arms. I shot a look at Leah, who gave me a confused look. She finally shrugged and turned back to Jake. I saw her nudge Emily, who bent around her to get a look at the spectacle I was sure Edward and I made. It probably blew their mind, because they weren't aware of the friendship we'd formed during the trip.

I relaxed a bit and nodded, hoping he saw me. It would have been useless to shout over the music.

Jake was in his element right now; everyone was going nuts when the breakdown came. I looked over to see Emily melt into the back of the crowd, trying to avoid the pit. I knew I should have followed, but I didn't want to leave Leah here alone in case something happened. The drop D boomed through the room and Leah whooped as she raised her hands in the air, pumping her fist and shouting the lyrics back at her husband. They were probably the coolest married couple I'd ever met, but that was Jake and Leah for you.

Edward stayed behind me for the entire set, and I knew his back would probably be bruised by the time it was over. He kept getting pushed into me, and every time it happened, my heart sped up and I felt like I would go insane if I couldn't touch him.

His arms gradually migrated until they were practically wrapped around my waist. I held my breath, terrified that he would realize it at any moment and move away from me. I had to resist the urge to lay my head back on his shoulder or allow my body to press into his on purpose.

The last song started and it was their most popular, so the crowd rocked into a frenzy. Edward was shoved against me, and it nearly knocked my breath from my body. Leah was thrown against the stage also, and I felt Edward tug me toward the exit. I looked back to see he had another hand on Leah's arm, and she was following him out. Once we got closer to the door, he stopped and asked Leah "Are you okay?"

She nodded and thanked him, but I was completely distracted. Edward was holding my hand tightly, and it was making my heart clang around desperately. I looked up at him, wondering what the hell was going on with me. He met my eyes and looked just as confused as I felt.

"Let's get out of here," he said as he pulled me toward the exit. I followed willingly, wondering what was going on with him.

Once we were outside in the fresh night air, Edward released my hand and turned to look down at me. We stood still, staring at each other as the energy around us crackled and shifted. His eyes darkened and my eyed widened as knowledge of what was about to happen washed over me.

He advanced on me slowly, as if giving me time to change my mind. I held my breath and waited for him, not daring to look away from him lest he change _his_ mind at the last minute. He came to me, slowly and deliberately, and I felt I would go insane in the time it took for him to reach me.

When Edward's arms reached out for me, I knew it wasn't for a hug this time. His eyes were on my lips, my neck, and my chest. My cheeks were flushed and my heart was galloping a mile a minute. He bent down, so slowly, until his lips slid over mine...softly, carefully, so smoothly. I released my pent-up breath and pressed myself against him, wrapping my arms around his shoulders and bringing him down lower so I could have better access.

His lips were firm and _so soft _that it made my mind spin. I wanted so much more of him. My hands dropped down to run over his inked arms, relishing in the feel of finally touching him the way I'd been dreaming about. His tongue peeked out and I opened my mouth eagerly, willing to take this as far as he'd let me.

His taste was my new addiction. I couldn't get enough. Our lips and tongues met and moved together, bringing quiet sighs and the deepest pleasure I'd ever felt when kissing someone. He backed us up slowly until my back was pressed against the cool brick wall outside of the club. His hands skimmed down over my sides and cupped my hips.

I moaned into his mouth and he took advantage of it to gain control of the kiss. His hand came up and cupped my cheek, tilting my head back so he could take over. I was so lost in him that I lost track of the time and place. We could have been in the middle of a tsunami for all I knew, and it wouldn't have mattered a bit.

When he pulled back and broke the kiss, I let out a pathetic little needy whimper. He smiled down at me and brushed the pad of his thumb across my lips. "This is crazy," he whispered.

My vision cleared and I suddenly realized where we were and _who _we were. I straightened up and brushed a shaking hand through my short hair, belatedly realizing that there wasn't much to comb through anymore. "I know," I replied helplessly.

He blew out a breath and rubbed a finger down my cheek. "I guess we should go back inside, huh?"

I frowned. "I think I'd rather stay out here," I grumped. I flushed red in embarrassment when I realize what I'd just admitted. What if this was a one-time thing, an accident? A sort of in-the-moment kind of thing that happened when the adrenaline was pumping and...

He chuckled and kissed my nose, which caused my heart to speed up all over again. "I'm pretty sure our friends would start to miss us, and then they'd come find us...and I _really _don't think that's something we want to get into right now."

Curse him for being right. I sighed longingly, staring at his deliciously swollen lips as we headed back inside. I wasn't clear on what this had meant to him, but I knew exactly what it meant for me.

I wanted to do that again, and _soon_.

**A/N: Remember, review and you will get a preview of the next chapter! **

**So tell me what you thought, okay? I wanna hear it!**


	17. I Will Be Heard

**A/N: Woooo! Oh meh gosh the last chapter got the most reviews thus far! THANK YOU! **

**Now...I posted some links to videos on my profile. These are live hardcore shows so you can get a taste for the kind of music OCS performs, as well as a better idea of what being at a hardcore show is like. You can see some of the dancing and the frenzied crowds. The Champion video also has a good little mini-explanation about the straight edge philosophy. I hope you'll go check these out and let me know what you think. **

**Also! Check out the O/S called "Begin Again" I posted for the Loved for the Unloved contest. **

**I'm on Twitter now. Come follow me to keep up to date on AWNP, DoG, and any other contest/collaborations I'm involved in! Link on my profile. :)**

**Song is "I Will Be Heard" by Hatebreed and ON to the chapter!**

**Psst... Thanks Adrena;)**

CPOV

The car was silent as a tomb as Esme drove us back to my house. I sat slumped in the passenger seat of my car, completely deflated and feeling sick to my stomach. My head was buried in my hands and the air inside the car felt hot and stuffy, suffocating me slowly. Esme navigated the streets with quiet competency while I suffered through my breakdown.

My own son hated me.

Finally, we arrived at the dark, empty void my house had become. Esme walked around to my door and opened it, reaching in to help me out. I stood hunched over like an old man and she took my elbow in her hand while I shuffled to the front door. Almost every ounce of my awareness was turned inward while she unlocked the front door and flipped on some lights. "Can I get you anything?" she asked quietly.

I shook my head in a daze. She led me to the kitchen table and I collapsed in the chair closest to me. I stared vacantly at the wall, lost in my horrible thoughts while she walked over to the sink and ran the water into a glass. She came back and set it on the table next to me, but I didn't touch it or even acknowledge it.

She sighed and sat down next to me. I felt her warm, soft hand press against the back of my cold, hard one. "Carlisle, you need to talk about this. _We _need to talk about this," she urged.

The focus that had been so intensely turned inward suddenly snapped like a vicious rubber band and my eyes met hers. "What is there to talk about?" I asked coldly.

She squeezed my hand and looked at me sadly. I didn't want her fucking pity. "You can always go to counseling. I'm sure Edward..."

I snatched my hand out from her grip and stood so quickly that the chair fell backwards. "_What fucking __right do you have to tell me what I should do?_" I seethed.

Esme's expression was a mix of shock and hurt. I wanted to reach out for her, but I was just too focused on the reality of my crumbling relationship with my son. "I've done everything I could to make sure Edward has a good life. I work my ass off at the hospital, I make connections and encourage him to do the things that will help him succeed in his future. Look at him just turning his back on me like it doesn't mean a damn thing."

Esme sat silently now, her hands folded in her lap and her eyes downcast. Her posture told me nothing about what she was thinking right now. "You think I'm wrong?" I asked harshly.

She looked up at me and regarded me for a moment before she spoke. "Does it _matter _what _I _think?" she asked. There was a hint of hurt mixed with indignation in her voice.

I scrubbed my hand down my face and pulled at my carefully combed hair in frustration. "Yes. No. I don't know!" I growled.

She stood up now, her petite frame seeming to tower over me in her anger. "You asked me to _marry _you, but how can you expect me to even _consider _spending the rest of my life with you when you can't even talk to your own son?" she demanded.

I stepped back and felt the anger swell once more. "These are two separate issues," I said.

She shook her head and let a mirthless chuckle loose. I'd never seen her like this. Her fierce eyes met mine and her look sliced me to ribbons. "You're sitting here blaming Edward, when he's the one who has every right to blame _you_. Do you even know who he is when he's not trying to be what you want him to be?"

My eyes narrowed and my jaw clenched. I didn't like getting lectured about my own son. She saw my look and the passion in her eyes died and drifted away, to be replaced by a storm cloud of disappointment. "I don't need to be told how to raise my own son by someone who doesn't even _have _children," I sneered angrily.

Esme took a step back and gasped, looking as if I'd just punched her in the stomach. I knew this was a low blow, because she hadn't been able to conceive with her husband, but I _hated _to be told how to take care of my child. I didn't know who was more shocked by my words, myself or her. I stood and stared at her, wondering if this was it.

Finally, her mouth snapped shut and her shoulders tensed. "How can you _say _those things to me?" she asked, sounding so hurt that it made me bleed inside.

I pressed my lips together and hung my head, feeling unworthy to be in her presence. In my own inability to fix things with Edward, I had destroyed the two most important relationships in my life. "I'm sorry," I said quietly, flinching at the disgusting inadequacy of the feeble words.

She let a cruel laugh trickle from her tight lips. Her arms crossed and she stepped close to me; I had to shut my eyes against the tidal wave of need that crashed over me. I wanted so much to pull her closer, to wrap myself in her comforting scent and let her tell me what to do to fix my incredibly fucked up life.

That wouldn't happen, though. She'd never allow me to touch her now.

"You know what, Carlisle? If this is how you treat the people you love, then I don't want it. I'm not going stand by and watch you do everything you can to push your son away."

Her words cut me to the quick and I felt the nausea welling up, the stomach acid burning against the back of my throat. I raised a hand to cover my eyes so she wouldn't see the tears threatening there. "I won't lose him. I can't. Don't you see? That's why I've done everything I have, so that I wouldn't lose him," I pleaded, sounding so weak and defeated and I hated myself for it.

She was walking away from me now, and I couldn't stop her I watched her go, helpless against the reality I'd created through my actions. When she reached the door, she paused with her hand on the knob but didn't turn around to look at me. The words that floated back to me were like a sea of sadness spreading out between us, filling the void with water threatening to pull me under.

"You've already lost him, Carlisle, and now you've lost me too. Goodbye."

And with that, she was gone.

EPOV

I tossed and turned restlessly in the small guest room at Emmett and Rosalie's house. I had a pounding headache. The room was still dark, so I knew it was still before sunrise. I heard footsteps outside my bedroom door and recognized them as Rosalie's, so I threw back the covers and found some pants and a shirt to put on before walking out to the kitchen.

I found her sitting at the counter sipping a cup of hot chocolate and reading the newspaper. She looked up, surprised. "Edward, what are you doing awake?"

I shrugged and pulled a glass from the cupboard to get some water. Once that was done, I took a few sips as I leaned against the counter. I didn't know what to say, and apparently neither did she. We existed in an uncomfortable silence for at least five minutes before she broke it to ask, "Emmett will be up soon to get ready for work. I was going to make him some waffles if you're interested."

Rosalie and Emmett had only been married for about six months, but they'd been together for over five years. The first time I met Emmett was when Rosalie dragged him to church with her one Sunday when I was seventeen. He was a lot rougher around the edges and a sight to behold with his black mohawk and lip ring. Nobody knew quite what to make of the twenty-year-old punk kid with big muscles and a safety pin in his earlobe.

Granted, Rosalie had cleaned him up for the occasion, putting him in one of her father's old suits that didn't fit very well, but he still stuck out like a sore thumb among the congregation. I hung back and watched them interact with some of the more conservative members of our church, wondering how he would do with all the curious rubberneckers dying to meet him.

Amazingly, Emmett was charming and friendly to everyone he met. I didn't know Rosalie or her family very well because they weren't as active in the church as some of the other families, but I did know that they were a very warm and accepting bunch, so it didn't really surprise me to see her parents supporting their daughter's new boyfriend with welcoming smiles and high praise. Back then, that was enough for my father to approve of them, but I knew that his opinion had changed since my mother's death. Nowadays, to be a "good Christian," one had to go to church every Sunday, be involved, and be just as strict as he was in his own daily life.

I didn't agree with him, but I never questioned his dislike because I didn't want to rock the boat. Personally, I believed more than ever that people like Rosalie and her family, along with Emmett, were the ideal Christians. They were never judgmental and they _certainly _never put on the holier-than-thou attitude that my own father seemed to have perfected over the past few years. They may not have perfect attendance at church, or take part in the various organizations and clubs that my father was considered so important, but they were quietly committed to the path. That was more than enough for me.

Aside from my father, it was incredible to see Emmett win over the entire congregation, even with his decidedly "alternative" appearance.

By the time the service was over and everyone had met him, I was completely fascinated with him. I'd been so sheltered my whole life, believing that people who looked like Emmett couldn't be good Christians. I was willing to bet he had tattoos, and probably more piercings. I wondered if he went to concerts that my parents would probably ground me for attending.

I was drawn to him. He was so _different _and _new _in a good way, and I needed to meet him. I decided to slip away from my parents while they spoke with Pastor Smith and made my way over to the small group still surrounding Rosalie and Emmett. When I reached them, I cleared my throat nervously and reached out to introduce myself. Seeing me, Emmett gave me a huge smile and shook my hand enthusiastically.

The rest, as they say, was history. Our first conversation was hilariously awkward, on my end anyway, but he kept coming back on Sundays and eventually, we became friends. My mom never seemed to mind, but my father would occasionally make some subtle remark that indicated some level of discomfort with my new friend. I called him out on it one time, but all he did was insinuate that he didn't think Rosalie's parents should have allowed her to date someone so "delinquent."

When I asked him what he meant by that, he said that her parents were too lax with her and that they should have kept her away from guys like Emmett. He didn't seem to care that Emmett may have _looked _delinquent, but he probably lived a cleaner and straighter lifestyle than even Carlisle himself.

Unfortunately, the straight edge philosophy was completely lost on my father, but it was something that had cemented my aversion to drugs and alcohol.

Still, our mutual love for music was a big thing for me, and Emmett introduced me to the entirely new world of punk and hardcore. Up until I'd met him, I was only well-versed in classic rock and the classical music my family listened to whenever the occasion called for it.

When Jasper's family moved to town about ten months after Emmett started attending our church, we pulled him into our friendship and the three of us decided to start a band. Jasper was a wicked bass player in a vegan hardcore band back in Texas, and Emmett had been a drummer for a few punk bands before he met Rose.

As for me, well...all I'd ever done was sing in the choir. It was a far cry from the kind of music I'd begun to know and love under Emmett's tutelage, but I was determined to make a piece of that world my own. After a few months of practicing and playing around with songs, OCS was born and we'd been together ever since.

Through it all, Rose and Emmett fell blissfully in love and I'd come to know her a lot better than I used to.

So it was no surprise that they should offer me their guest room after I'd decided not to return home to my father's house. I'd been crashing here for almost a week now, and they treated me like their own kin. Rosalie, being Rosalie, was warm and inviting, and she'd yet to say a word about the shit storm my life was quickly becoming. I appreciated her sensitivity to my mood, but I knew it would only be a matter of time before I had to break down and explain the entire situation to my friends.

While I helped Rosalie prepare the early morning breakfast, I heard Emmett's alarm go off. The sounds of him getting ready for the day at the shop comforted me in a strange way, the same way I'd always wake up when I was a kid to the sound of my father showering or his scrubs spinning around in the dryer. Those homey sounds would never fail to make me feel like I was in my own safe cocoon, warm and loved.

I shook myself from my reverie and looked over at Rose. She was still in her hospital scrubs and she looked tired. "Long day at the hospital?" I asked conversationally. I knew she was a nurse in labor and delivery, so I very much doubted she'd have run into my father who worked over in the surgical wing. Still, I was tense at the knowledge that they worked in the same hospital.

She sighed and poured the batter into the waffle iron before answering. "Not really, just the usual. We delivered eight babies in the wing, but I only assisted on three. I'm glad to be home, though, even if Emmett has to work today."

Rose and Emmett worked opposite shifts most of the week. Her job required her to work graveyard, while Emmett usually worked early in the morning until early afternoon. They'd get time together when he got home, but Rose usually had to sleep or go to work not long after.

As an unfortunate side effect of her schedule, she'd been forced to miss a lot of our shows. It bothered both of them, but we never really brought it up because it was a sore subject for Rosalie. She loved Emmett so much and it was obvious that she wished she could be at every one of his shows to support him.

"Well, Saturdays are usually short at the shop, right? So he won't be gone too long," I said, trying to comfort her a bit.

She nodded and smiled softly. "Yeah. It'll be a good day, I hope."

We didn't speak much more after that, and soon breakfast was ready and waiting for Emmett. He walked out of their bedroom, freshly showered and wearing his gray coveralls unzipped over a black Hatebreed t-shirt and dark blue Dickies. He pressed a kiss against Rosalie's forehead and thanked her for the food before sitting down to dig in.

Running on so little sleep was uncommon for me, so after I ate, I went and tried to lie down again for a couple hours. I was nervous about seeing Bella today, and I didn't quite know what I would say to her when I did.

I mean, should I tell her how messed up my life had become in the week since the D.C. trip, or should I just ignore all the drama and focus on the fact that we'd more or less jumped each other in the alley behind the club? The kiss was burned into my memory, bringing all the conflicting emotions with it. I honestly didn't know where to go from here, because while I knew I was attracted to Bella, I also knew that neither of us was in a good place to start anything even resembling a relationship.

Besides, did I even _want _a relationship with Bella? I knew she was beautiful, and smart, and fun to be around when she wasn't trying to rip me a new one, but still...there were so many other factors that needed to be taken into consideration. Alice's words floated through my mind, reminding me that it probably wouldn't work if I tried dating someone who didn't share my religious beliefs.

Yet I couldn't seem to keep my mind off of her. I'd thought about little else since our kiss at the show. I could have been delusional, but the way she'd kissed me back had seemed to indicate that she was just as attracted to me as I was to her.

Good Lord, just remembering the way her little body felt against mine when I was protecting her from the pit was enough to make deliciously sinful thoughts run through my mind. Feeling her gentle curves and sharp angles every time someone pushed me into her had made me forget all the things my mother had ever taught me about being a gentleman, so when things got too intense, it was only a natural male instinct that caused me to pull her outside and kiss her the way I'd wanted to for weeks.

Did I regret it now? I wasn't sure. On one hand, I wasn't sorry because the kiss had been so damn _good _that it was hard to regret something that filled my desperate soul with so much pleasure and satisfaction.

But on the _other _hand, I'd officially stepped over the line between friendship and whatever it was we were now. With that simple, hot, amazing kiss, I'd erased the line between what I knew I _should _do and what I _wanted _to do.

And I wasn't so sure that I could go back now and forget what it felt like to let myself go and give in to the need that had been building inside me since the first time I felt that spark of attraction to her.

A couple hours later, I was still no more decided or rested than I had been when I returned to bed. With a heavy sigh, I sat up and decided to get ready for class.

At least one thing was clear to me now, and that was the fact that I was tired of living with two personalities. I would find a way to reconcile who I was with who I wanted to be, and I wasn't going to let anybody else tell me who to be ever again. Carlisle would just have to learn to love and accept me for who I would become, or...

Well, I wouldn't even consider that right now. The most important thing was the liberation of my personal life that I'd kept hidden from almost everyone outside of my small group of friends. I would no longer allow myself to hide behind long sleeves and ties.

So with that in mind, I got up and got dressed with an eye toward announcing my newfound freedom.

Tony Masen was going to poli sci class, and anybody who didn't like it could get over it.

With a sense of satisfaction and anticipation, I pulled on my Love is Red hoodie and headed for the door. I chose my music for the day, inspired by Emmett's t-shirt.

"_I've got to take my life back_

_One chance to make it right_

_I've got to have my voice be heard_

_And bring meaning to this life."_

With a grin, I drove off toward school.

BPOV

I reached school before anyone else in the class, and I sat in my seat impatiently waiting for Edward to show up. As the other students trickled in looking tired and worse for wear (it _was _a Saturday class, after all), I bounced in my seat and kept my eyes glued desperately to the door, silently begging for him to hurry the fuck up.

Honestly, I had no idea what would happen when he _did _show up. Would we act like we did before the trip, debating and snipping at each other? Or would we maintain that easy camaraderie that had been so enjoyable during the long weekend away?

Or- and this possibility ran delicious shivers up my spine to even consider- would he look at me the way he had the night of the show? Would I get to kiss him again?

God, I hoped so.

The clock was ticking away, mocking me in its deliberate reminder that class would start at any moment and Edward still had yet to walk through the door. I groaned in frustration and buried my head in my arms on top of my desk, dying inside as I waited.

I heard Professor Allan walk in with an overhead projector and greet the class. I lifted my head and mumbled a hello along with everyone else, but the empty seat next to me just taunted me with its...emptiness. _Grr. _

Fucking _finally_, I heard the door open quietly. I turned and craned my neck to see if it was Edward, but my entire body froze when I realized what I was looking at.

_Oh my fucking GOD! _My brain was screaming in shock and awe as I saw Edward- no, _Tony _walking casually down the aisle between desks until he reached his. He was wearing a black military cap low over his face and a black hoodie over his dark blue Dickies shorts. My mouth began to water as he gracefully removed his hoodie, revealing a black t-shirt that said "Dirty Deeds Done Drug Free" on the back. On the front were three big X's in bold white font.

There was a collective gasp when he slung the hoodie across the back of his seat and I saw a corner of his mouth twitch. There, for everyone to see, were all of his tattoos. His beautiful, colorful arms were bared to the class for the first time.

Once he got comfortable, he turned and looked right at me. I sat there and stared back at him, completely dumbfounded. What the hell had happened in his life in the span of a week? How could he be here now, flashing his hidden identity around?

And why the fuck did it turn me on so much?

Professor Allan, to his credit, didn't say anything to make Edward- fuck, _Tony_- uncomfortable. I was grateful, because I wasn't sure just where his head was at right now, what with his unexpected public display of hot awesomeness.

The professor started to lecture about a book we would be reading for class entitled _The Age of American Unreason_. I listened intently, trying desperately not to stare over at the fucking amazingly sexy sight next to me. It was hard, and I failed often, but fortunately the lecture was interesting enough to keep me from turning into a puddle of drool on Tony's beat up Sauconys.

Allan began passing around a handout and dropped a bit of a bomb on us. "So class, this book will be part of our next group project. Don't groan! Remember I warned you about this on the first day of school. You will be doubling up in pairs and ideally, I'd like it if each of you picks someone with a different political view from your own. The point of Jacoby's book, as you will soon find out, is that we must try to find common ground. Polarization in politics will only continue if we don't open up our ears and our _minds _to conflicting beliefs."

I stared at the teacher with trepidation building in my chest. I heard a shift beside me and then Tony said, "Well, I think we can safely say we've got conflicting viewpoints. Wanna be my partner?"

I turned to him with wide eyes and gulped down some of the nervousness that was nearly choking me. "Sure," I squeaked. I winced at the pathetic sound, but he smiled brilliantly and I couldn't tear my eyes away. He looked..._free_ somehow.

It was a good look on him.

The professor told us to spread out and begin discussing our project. We headed to our (by now) customary empty classroom and began reading over the handout. I felt the nerves and the desire clawing around in my chest cavity, making me feel slightly ill.

Awkward silence filled the distance between us. I wanted to reach out and touch him, but all of the reasons why I _shouldn't _eclipsed the one reason I could give for why I _should_.

"I guess...should we talk about it?" he asked uncomfortably.

I groaned at his tone and set my paper down to shove my shaking hands into my pockets. "Um, okay."

He looked away and then back at me and sighed heavily. "I issued an ultimatum to my father before we left D.C. and now I'm living with my friend and his wife."

I let his words absorb before I recalled the incident at the show. "So that was your father at the show, I take it?"

He nodded and looked utterly miserable. I ached to reach out and touch him, but I wasn't sure if he would allow me to, so I clenched my hands and waited for a welcome sign. Instead, he grumbled and dropped his head toward the desk, slamming his forehead against it a few times. I wasn't quite sure what to make of it.

Finally, he looked at me and tried to explain. "I don't want you to get the wrong idea. I have no freaking clue what I'm doing. I'm a complete mess right now. Knowing that, I shouldn't have kissed you. I should have kept my hands to myself."

To say I wasn't hurt and incredibly disappointed by his words would be a lie. I hid my wince and stared down at the desktop, willing the tears not to fall. Where was my fucking tough girl facade when I needed it, dammit? I bit my lip and braced myself. "I see," I replied quietly. _Fuck_, I sounded like a timid little mouse!

"I..dammit, I didn't mean it like that. I _liked _kissing you, Bella. I freaking _loved _it, but I'm just...I don't _know_, okay? I'm not in a good place to be dating right now, but that doesn't mean I didn't enjoy every second of it," he said.

My eyes met his and I saw the sincerity there. His words stunned me and some of the aching disappointment and hurt drained out of me. "Oh," was all I could say. I couldn't think of anything else to say, so we just sat there until our time was almost up for meeting.

He heaved another frustrated sigh and picked up the handout. "Okay, well, let's talk about the project, I guess. It says we have to think of something that we can do that will cause us to see the other person's viewpoint and then find a way to promote intellectual discourse. What do you think we should do?"

I had no clue. This seemed like some sort of fated irony, and the dark humor in me found it slightly amusing. Here we were, on opposite sides of the political fence, forced to find common ground _for a school project_.

_Not _because we were attracted to each other, or because we were friends, or hell, even because we were two politically active people who should have enjoyed a lively debate, but because we had to get a _grade_. The ridiculousness of it was kind of hilarious in a sadly twisted way.

Suddenly, his eyes lit up. "Oh, this is good. I have a great idea!"

I gave him a confused look. "What?"

He smiled excitedly. "Well, I was thinking about ways to change up the radio show. Now that I'm sort of coming out of the closet, so to speak, I was considering changing the format for my show to something that would hopefully appeal to more conservative 20-somethings who are like me."

"Okay," I said, still not completely following.

He stood up and began pacing, obviously deep in thought. "What if we have a show where you and I debate the issues from both sides? Then we're not only seeing each other's perspectives, but we're also doing something to promote 'intellectual discourse' or whatever he calls it!"

I sat back and considered the idea. Would I really want to be on a radio show with Edward, discussing these topics that were such a touchy subject between us? Wouldn't it turn out badly for whatever was going on between us if we had that weekly reminder of how different we were in our beliefs?

I licked my lips repeatedly while thinking about it from all angles. He stopped pacing and I saw him staring at me, watching me with an absorbed expression on his face...not unlike the expression he'd had right before he kissed me at the show. _Hmmm._ I licked my lips again, slowly this time, wondering if he would notice the difference. They were getting chapped, but that didn't seem to matter to him as I watched his eyes darken a bit as he licked his own bottom lip. _Fuuuuuuuck. _

The tension wrapped around us like a bubble as he continued to stare at me. I waited with my breath held, silently praying that he would kiss me. Just as he took one hesitant step forward, a girl from the class popped her head in and gave us a cheerful smile. "Hey, Mr. Allan wants everyone back in class now," she said.

The hypnotic spell was broken and the tension immediately dissipated, only to be replaced with slight awkwardness. He looked as if he'd just surfaced from something particularly intense, and I felt the same way. "So...what do you think?" he asked uncomfortably.

_Huh? _My brain wasn't working. "About what?" I finally asked.

He grinned at me, and it was much sexier than it should have been. I felt a cramp of painful pleasure shoot through my stomach. "The project? The radio show? Any of this ringing a bell?" he teased, his grin turning slightly cocky now.

_Psh, bastard. _"Oh! Yeah, the radio show thing. Um, yeah...I think we could at least give it a try, I guess. Will the radio station be okay with such a big change, though?"

He nodded confidently. "Oh yeah. I know those guys, and it was already suggested awhile ago that we add a liberal show to either lead into or follow mine, so this will probably work out even better. They try not to do too much talk radio on the station."

I nodded mutely and we headed back to class. On the way there, he laid a hand on my arm and smiled down at me with a mysterious glint in his eyes. "Hey, I was gonna ask...do you want to come watch us practice on Wednesday?"

I was shocked, followed instantly with a surge of fangirl joy. "Really?" I breathed, feeling and sounding like a total groupie.

He grinned and chuckled. "Really. You don't know OCS until you've seen us practice," he said mysteriously.

I stopped at the classroom door and looked up at him, wondering what his invitation meant in terms of what was going on between us. "Why are you inviting me?" I asked boldly.

Tony- for he truly couldn't be anybody other than _Tony _when he looked as he did right now- stepped closer and bent close so the rest of the class wouldn't overhear. "I may not know _everything _that I want right now, but I _do _know that I liked kissing you and I'd do it again if you let me."

**I know, I know. You want them to get to humpin'. I hear you. I really do. Sadly, these kids need to work their shit out a bit more before the plot dips below the belt. It'd be really kind of ridiculously OOC for these characters to hump each other at this point, don'tcha think? **

**Still, I have an outtake for some HAAAAAAATE SECKS that I wrote for this, so I may post that later. No jumping the shark, laydiez!;)**

**You know the drill by now. You review, you get a preview:). I had a couple people say they didn't get their previews, so if you didn't, then I apologize profusely. Sometimes things slip through the cracks, but I try my darndest to reply to each review I get, so don't think I did it on purpose, k? I love each and every reviewer, I swear.**


	18. Seeing the Light

**A/N: Ohhhh man, moving, school, babies, husbands, life, so much going on... needless to say, it's been a while. I'm sorry for that. I hope you'll forgive me after you read this:) **

**I know some of you didn't get previews for this chapter, and I'm sorry. I blame the fact that I don't have internet on my laptop, so everything has to go on a thumb drive and blah blah blah, I'm boring you, so I'll just shut up and say I promise I'll give everyone a preview for a review next time. **

**Here we go!**

BPOV

I stood in front of the door and wiped my sweating hands down my pants, hoping to at least appear calm.

I was about to go to an OCS band practice.

My hand trembled slightly as I knocked on the door. I wasn't sure who would answer the door, but I kind of hoped it would be Edward because he was the only one of them I actually knew.

When a knockout blonde answered the door, my nerves intensified. I could only assume this was Rosalie, Emmett's wife. It would make sense, seeing as how this was Emmett's house.

The blonde blinked as if surprised and asked politely, "May I help you?"

I stood there frozen for a moment, feeling really awkward. Luckily, I was saved by Edward when he came to the door behind her and smiled down at me. "Rose, this is Bella. I think I told you a little bit about her. She's here to watch band practice," he said.

Her eyes widened a bit and I thought I saw a corner of her mouth kick up, but the smirk was gone before I knew it. I was suddenly afraid that she'd give me the third degree like Alice had, but she just smiled and opened the door wider. "Well, it's nice to finally meet you. Come on in. Would you like anything to drink or eat?"

I was stunned by her friendliness. I guess I was afraid any friend of Edward's would automatically hate me, but she was looking at me with an openly curious expression rather than an openly antagonistic expression.

"Oh, thanks. I'm good. I just ate before I came," I said, feeling awkward around her good manners. I was willing to bet she was a very proper hostess.

Edward laid a friendly kiss on Rose's cheek and smiled at her with a hint of gratitude. "I'm gonna show Bella around, if that's okay?"

She nodded and shooed us away, so I followed behind Edward and tried not to marvel at the physical differences in him over the course of the weekend.

He was wearing the kind of clothes he wore for his shows: black Dickies shorts, slung low on his hips and held up by a studded belt, a black and white bandanna stuffed in his back pocket, and a white old school Minor Threat t-shirt with a black long-sleeved thermal underneath. His hair was covered up with a black baseball cap and he had black horn-rimmed glasses on.

_Since when did he need glasses? _

He led me through the kitchen and dining room and then down the hall, where he pointed out the bathroom in case I needed to use it. He gestured to the door at the end of the hall and told me it belonged to Emmett and Rosalie before he swung open a door to his right. "This is their guest room, but I've been staying here, so it's kind of messy. Sorry."

I stepped inside the room and looked around, curious to see what it looked like. Just the idea of being in Edward's room, even if it was only temporary for him, caught my interest in a way that I wasn't fully prepared to admit yet.

"I didn't know you wore glasses," I said dumbly.

He started throwing clothes into a pop-up hamper in the corner and I just smiled because, really, this room was practically spotless compared to mine. "Oh, yeah, I normally wear contacts but I lost one yesterday and I haven't gotten my new boxes in the mail yet."

I nodded and went back to looking around.

The walls were painted a soft minty green, and there was a neutral-looking desk positioned just under the wide window, which overlooked the back yard. I saw his laptop perched there with a bunch of books and papers surrounding it. I saw that his iTunes was open, and I was sorely tempted to go comb through his collection, but my eyes were drawn to the bed.

The sheets were white with tan stripes, and the comforter was bunched up at the bottom. The pillow was creased where his head would rest, and the sight of it gave me a curious reaction...almost like a longing to be there when he slept, to know what he looked like when he was completely relaxed and at peace with the world.

His eyes followed mine and he looked slightly embarrassed. "Oh, uh, sorry. Here, let me just..." he mumbled as he walked over to the bed and swiftly made it up so it looked nice and clean once more.

A little part of me mourned, because in a way, it was like closing the door on the minor bit of intimacy I'd felt surrounding us as I'd stared at his unmade bed.

He turned and looked at me. "Have a seat. I just have to find something really quick."

I took a tentative seat on the bed and was instantly surrounded by his scent, clean and spicy mixed with the smell of fabric softener. It made the butterflies in my stomach rear up and sing while my lips and thighs began to ache. I watched him with longing as he searched for something in his closet. He reached up for whatever it was, and I watched in fascination as his leg muscles flexed beneath the taut skin.

When he turned around, he caught me staring and I choked on my drool. I looked away quickly, but the damage was already done. I heard him coming closer and my heart kicked into overdrive. I stared at my shoes as I felt the bed dip down next to me.

"I feel like we need to talk about...well, about what happened the other night at the show, but I really haven't had time to sort it out in my mind, you know?" he said quietly.

I nodded; still afraid to look at him for fear that I'd pounce on him.

"I mean, I've just had a lot going on with the band, and school, and my dad, and now you're here and I know what I _want _to do, but I don't know if it's a very good idea..." he trailed off, and I looked up at him.

"What do you mean, you know what you want to do, but you don't know if it's a good idea?" I asked, a little bit confused and a little bit hopeful and a little bit disappointed. Did he regret kissing me? Did he think it was a bad idea to be with me?

His eyes were dark as he looked down at me. His face was a study in frustration and conflict. "It's like this: I like being with you, and I'm really freakingattracted to you, but we're so different and I'd just hate for things to get ugly, you know?"

His honesty stunned me. I wasn't even really sure how to respond. I was attracted to him, too, but something in his words gave me the impression that he was more reluctant than even I was to start something.

Because, yeah, even though we were really different, we still had a lot in common, and well... "I'm not really sure what to say to that, honestly. I mean, I don't really think we're all that different, you know? We're both vegan, and we like the same music, and we're both into politics..."

"...and my personal beliefs are still really different from yours, Bella. I can't just forget that. I don't know if that's something that we could honestly get around," he said with a weary sigh.

I looked down at my clenched hands and saw that his were clenched, too. I peeked up at him out of the corner of my eye and felt so frustrated with our inability to get to where I felt like we both wanted to go. "Maybe...I don't know, maybe we're just thinking too much. What if we just give it a shot and see where it goes? I mean, we keep thinking of all the reasons why we _shouldn't _be together, but what about why we _should_?" I said, blushing a little at the vulnerability I felt that was laid bare by my words.

A moment of silence filled the bedroom before he whispered, "...and why _should _we?"

Without allowing myself to back away, I looked up at him and gripped his jaw in both hands, bringing his face closer to mine. I spared a brief look at his soft lips before I descended upon them, feeling them slide against mine with a delicious friction. I wanted to kiss him so much that my hands began to shake.

I moved my lips against his, sliding and puckering, giving him small soft kisses before he began to respond. His mouth opened slightly and I inhaled his cinnamon breath. I sighed in bliss and leaned into him, wrapping my arms around his neck and tugging his hat off so I could bury my hand in his soft hair. His breath skipped and I smiled against his mouth, enjoying the fact that I could affect him.

He surprised me when he drew my bottom lip between his and nibbled on it slightly as his hands came up to wrap around my ribs, just under my breasts. My breasts began to ache and I wondered how far we could go before one or both of us pulled away. I shifted closer and felt him do the same. We were in an awkward position, both sitting with our legs out in front of us and our torsos twisted at the waist so we could get close to each other.

The tip of my tongue peeked out of my mouth and I felt his brush against it. I opened my mouth wider and he took it as an invitation, delving into my mouth softly. I hummed in pleasure and buried my other hand in his hair, scratching his scalp gently and trying to pull him closer.

Our tongues dipped and retreated, tasting each other. When things started to heat up a little, I started to lean back, trying to pull him down with me. His left hand brushed down my side, landing on my hip. His thumb pushed into my pelvic bone and I squirmed, feeling my panties dampen. He leaned into me, and I brought my left leg up and around so that I could lie back on the bed.

He shifted around so he could follow me down, and I started to kiss him more aggressively. I felt sure that mirrors would fog with the heat between us right now. The hand pressing into my hip moved down and reached down to wrap around my thigh, and I moaned lightly in anticipation. I wanted to feel all of him pressing me into the mattress beneath us.

A loud rap sounded on the door. "Bro, you ready for practice?" someone asked. I assumed it was Emmett.

Edward froze on top of me, and I felt the shift in the air go from passionate to _incredibly _awkward in the span of .05 seconds. His hand fell away from my thigh and he immediately retreated, sitting up and running a hand through his now-rumpled hair. I watched him pick up the hat and put it back on with regret.

I really liked that Bella-messed-up-my-hair-during-our-hot-make-out-session look.

I wanted to cover myself up, but I was still fully clothed. I wanted to run away, but that would have been really ridiculous.

I needed to do _something_, though, because I was still lying there panting and incredibly turned on while he was sitting there looking...guilty.

"Um, I guess we should go to the garage now," he said awkwardly without looking at me.

"Oh, okay," I replied feebly, unable to look at him either.

_Did I just totally fuck up? What did he have to feel guilty about?_

That thought swam around in my head as we walked toward the back door and out into the separate structure in the back yard. I heard Emmett tapping the drums to warm up and I recognized Seth's car parked on the side of the house.

I experienced a moment of panic when I realized that I'd have to face him after whatever had just happened in there, and I hadn't even told Leah or Emily where I would be today. They'd know as soon as Seth told them, and I'd get a shit load of questions about it.

They knew I didn't hate Edward anymore, but they didn't exactly know how much I really _liked_ him now.

And that was sure to inspire a lot of awkward questions, because I hadn't really explained the situation to them yet. They didn't know that Tony Masen was Edward, aka Captain Christian. Both of them were atheists, so I knew they'd question my desire to date someone so religiously inclined, even though I wasn't exactly an atheist. I fancied myself more on the agnostic side of things, really, but that always sounded kind of wishy-washy or lazy to me, so I usually just said I didn't really believe in God.

The truth was, I was just as confused about Edward as to how any sort of relationship between us could work with these differences, but I was just too fucking hot for him to care at this point.

Edward greeted the guys and Seth looked at me curiously as if to say "Why are _you _here?" but he just nodded and smiled at me slightly. Jasper gave me a friendly smile and I wondered if Alice was the only one of Edward's friends who apparently thought I was akin to a piece of chewed up gum stuck to her shoe.

Emmett gave me a head nod and a wink before he went back to tapping his cymbals with his sticks. Jasper turned on his amp and Seth tested his foot pedal as Edward began checking the microphone.

Once they had everything ready to go, the music started up and I sat back on the dirty old couch positioned in front of them. I kind of felt like a groupie, but I couldn't really bring myself to care, because I was getting a private show from my favorite band and that made it totally worth it.

The music was rough and when Edward started shouting, it wasn't a song I recognized. The beat pounded and I tapped my feet when I felt the breakdown coming. Jasper and Seth joined Edward on vocals before Emmett's drumming got heavier and everything slowed down, signaling the breakdown. Edward bobbed his head in time with the beat, watching Emmett for his cue to start singing again.

This song sounded more metal than their usual fare, but I liked it. I was more of a metalcore girl, but OCS's usual sound was more on the old school hardcore level, with less heavy beats and more shouting than screaming. I welcomed this slight shift in their music.

The breakdown ended and Edward came back to the mic, giving a boost of energy to finish the song. After it was over, he turned to Seth. "How'd that feel?" he asked.

Seth grinned and strummed his guitar as he spoke. "Felt good. I know you guys are used to the old school stuff, so I'm glad you're willing to try this new sound."

Jasper set his bass down and grabbed a water bottle, taking a big swig before speaking. "I like it, too. I wasn't sure at first, because metalcore's getting a little mainstream, but this feels good. I'm glad we took a chance on you, man."

Seth's smile widened and Emmett clicked his sticks together to get their attention. "Okay, now that this Love Fest is over, can we get back to rockin'??"

The guys laughed and Emmett started the next song, which was much in the same vein as the last. I watched Edward, trying to hide my hunger for him. He looked so fucking hot, shouting and moving like a wild, primal _animal _while the music played. I felt myself responding to him, losing myself more and more in him.

I tried not to be that obvious, but honestly, I'm sure I had drool dripping down my chin.

Who could blame me? I mean, really. He was only a couple feet away, and he was like my fucking wettest fantasies come to life with his inked up arms, his intense presence, his fucking..._gah_! He was just too much.

The practice went on for another hour and a half after that, and I sat there in complete and utter awe (and lust) the entire time. Halfway through, he'd taken his shirt off because he was getting sweaty from the exertion of singing.

I wished I could take _my _shirt off because I wasgetting sweaty from the exertion of resisting him.

About ten minutes before practice ended, I got a text message from Leah asking where I was.

I chewed my lip as I considered what to tell her, and I tasted cinnamon. My cheeks flared as I stared at Edward, knowing that I could taste him on me. It was just so good and so bad at the same time, because I wanted nothing more than to jump him right here, right now.

Finally, I told her I'd call her in an hour and left it at that so I could focus on the last song. They were doing another cover, and I was amazed at how they could adapt mainstream music into their unique sound and make it sound good.

Practice ended and Edward picked up a towel and wiped down his face and chest. I felt the drool pooling in my mouth as I watched him talking to the guys. I resisted the urge to steal the towel and bronze it, because really, that towel was a lucky bitch to be so up close and personal with his body, dammit.

His attention returned to me and he seemed more relaxed than he was before the practice. I gave him a small smile as he came over to me. "Hey, did you have fun?" he asked.

I nodded. "Oh man, it was so awesome to see you guys like that!" I gushed, feeling like a huge nerd.

He chuckled self-consciously and tossed the towel down on the couch next to me. I peeked at it out of the corner of my eye and felt my hand twitch toward it.

I was officially a fucking creeper when it came to Edward "Toneward" Cullen.

A thought occurred to me and I looked back up at him. "What does OCS even stand for, anyway?" I asked curiously. I'd been wondering for years.

His lips kicked up in an amused smirk and he turned to Emmett. "Hey Em, Bella wants to know what OCS stands for. Do _you _wanna tell her?" he asked jokingly.

Emmett groaned and I looked back and forth between them, wondering what the big joke was. Finally, Emmett laughed and said, "It stands for 'Onward Christian Soldier.'"

I sat there, my mouth agape. "You're _serious_?"

Edward and Jasper laughed uproariously as Seth grinned and drank his water. Emmett looked bashful as he explained, "I was the one who came up with it. I thought it'd be kind of funny, you know? But when we first got together, all of us were really excited to play and I'd just been baptized and well...it _seemed _like a good name at the time, but we decided to shorten it because we didn't want to scare people off our music. I mean, it's not like we're DC Talk or the Newsboys or some shit, you know?"

I kind of wanted to laugh, most especially at myself for loving their music all this time without realizing I was listening to a Christian band. "You should change it to Band of Christians," I suggested with a grin.

Seth laughed. "I think Band of Horses already took that cake."

Edward shook his head. "We're fine with OCS, especially because Jasper came up with something funnier for it to stand for," he said.

I looked over at Jasper and quirked an eyebrow in question. He threw his empty water bottle at Edward and laughed. "Onward Christian Slater," he told me.

Everyone laughed out loud and for the first time, I felt completely comfortable with them. I'd only ever met Christians who took everything about their beliefs _very seriously _and nobody could crack a joke without offending them, but these guys weren't like that. It served to put my mind at ease a bit, honestly.

They gathered up their equipment and stored it so that nothing was left out to get dirty or damaged. I watched Edward work, wondering if I could convince him to engage in a down and dirty make out session in his room.

When Rosalie called out the back door to announce dinnertime, I had to hide my disappointment. Our time together was over for the day, and I wasn't entirely sure if I'd get another kiss like the one earlier. Everyone piled back into the house and I hung back, trying to see what Edward would do.

He turned to me with a smile and asked if I wanted to stay for dinner. Rosalie nodded behind him and encouraged me to stay, but before I could say anything, the door opened up and Alice came through it. "Where's my rock star?" she shouted, obviously looking around for Jasper.

I watched Jasper's eyes light up and he walked over to her, swinging her small body up into his arms. She hugged him tightly, kissing him in front of everyone. I shifted uncomfortably and felt Edward's hand rest on the small of my back, which only served to make me feel even more uncomfortable.

He set her down and Alice turned to smile at everyone else, but she froze imperceptibly when she spotted me. My spine stiffened and I felt my heart plummet into my stomach. She was making me feel like an interloper and I suddenly wanted to melt into the floor so nobody would look at me.

"So you gonna stay for dinner, Bella?" Emmett asked in a friendly tone.

I smiled weakly at him and made some excuse about cooking dinner for my father. Luckily, Edward seemed to sense my discomfort, because he told everyone he was going to walk me out. Everyone (except Alice) sounded disappointed that I wasn't going to stay for dinner, but I just wanted to get the hell out of there more than I wanted to appease these nice people I barely knew.

Edward's reassuringly warm hand stayed on my back until we got outside to my truck. I turned to face him, but I felt suddenly shy. I didn't know what was going on with him, and I had no idea how I should act after everything that had happened today. His mood swings were quite frankly confusing the shit out of me.

Not that I was any better, I quickly reminded myself.

His eyes were on mine and I could see the confusion and conflict reflected back at my own. "Thank you for coming today," he said quietly.

"No problem, seriously. I had fun," I told him.

A ghost of a smile drifted over his mouth and he braced his hands on either side of me against the window on the driver's side door. His eyes darkened and he looked like he wanted to kiss me; my breathing picked up and I looked at his lips, hoping he would.

He groaned and dropped his head on his arm, bringing it right next to my shoulder. "I don't know what to fucking do, Bella," he said tensely, but it was mostly muffled by his arm.

Not really knowing what to do or say, I lifted my arm and wrapped it awkwardly around his neck, bringing his head over to my shoulder. He stood there for a moment, his arms still braced against the window as he allowed me to comfort him with my hand in his hair. "I don't know what to tell you, either," I whispered helplessly.

Slowly, his hands clenched into fists and then his arms dropped around my waist. He pulled me to him tightly, lifting his head and looking down at me in the process. "How did everything get so fucked up?" he asked. I assumed it was a rhetorical question, so I didn't bother to answer, because I didn't even know what I would have said anyway.

He leaned down to kiss me, and his hold felt a little bit desperate. I kissed him back, hoping to give him whatever it was that he was looking for in this moment. I wanted to comfort him, to give him some measure of peace and calm. I knew how desperately he needed it.

Time slowed down, bringing with it a moment of clarity that sat uncomfortably in my chest. I wanted him, not just because he was my idol, or because he was hot, but because he was this amazing and fascinating person who challenged me and made me want to be a better person.

He made me want things, things that scared me. I wanted to help him, to heal him, to be his best friend and his girlfriend.

Most of all, I wanted to be inside his head, to know him better than anybody else knew him.

I wanted all of that, more than I could even begin to convey.

His warm lips were resting against mine now, and I realized I'd stopped kissing him. He pulled away and looked down at me, and I couldn't help the tender smile that bullied its way to my face. My hand brushed through his hair once more before I dropped my arm and wondered what all of this meant for me, and for us.

"I guess I'd better go," I said, trying to hide the regret I felt at leaving him at a time like this, but I had to get out of there for my own sanity.

His green eyes turned a little bit disappointed and I cringed inwardly. I couldn't figure this situation out for him, and as much as I wanted to be with him, I knew that I couldn't force the issue or he would run in the other direction.

"Okay," he said quietly. "I'll see you on Thursday, at the radio station, right?"

I nodded and he pulled me into a hug, which set off the butterflies in my stomach. I drew back and smiled reassuringly at him as he opened my door for me. I climbed in and fired up my truck, waving as I drove off.

He was still in my rearview mirror when I turned the corner.

As soon as I got home, I called Leah and told her that I needed to talk to her and Emily. She told me to come over so we could have an impromptu girl night. I readily agreed and grabbed some junk food on my way out the door, eager for some time with my ladies.

When I got there, Jake was grumping around about getting kicked out. Leah was standing there with her hands on her hips, looking exasperated. "I told you; just take Ezra over to my mom's house. She already said she'd take him for the night, and I packed his bag. Stop being such a big baby. You can go find a show to go to with Seth. I'm sure he'll know of a couple."

Jake pulled her to him and whined, "But baby, weren't we going to..." He cupped her ass and pulled her closer, nuzzling her neck.

She giggled like a schoolgirl and swatted him away after he whispered something that I didn't _even _wanna know about in her ear. "Get lost, and maybe if you're good boy, we can do that tomorrow night," she said with a wink.

I faked a loud gag and made a show of sticking my finger down my throat. "I swear to god, you guys are so fucking disgusting sometimes."

"Oh, don't be mad just 'cuz you can't get any, Virgin McPrude," Leah said. She snorted and slapped Jake's chest as he pinched her butt.

He laid a big smacking kiss on her mouth and said, "Okay, fine. I'll leave you ladies to your pillow fights and lesbian experimentation."

I rolled my eyes and gave him the finger, hoping he'd leave. Leah laughed and I glared at her. "Look who's talking, missy. _You've _only had sex with one guy in your life, which makes me look like a slut compared to you." I knew she was only fucking with me, mostly because as far as _she _knew, I wasn't interested in anybody and hadn't dated anyone in a long time. Little did she know that would hopefully be changing soon…

She snickered. "What can I say? Sometimes you just get luck the first time around, you know? And oh boy, did I! Last night, Jake did this thing with his tongue..."

"AH! AH! AHHH! SHUT THE FUCK UP RIGHT NOW!" I screeched, shoving my fingers in my ears to block her out.

She laughed and kept talking, so I sang over her, hoping she'd get the point. The back door opened and Emily came in, looking like a breath of fresh air.

It must be the glow of the newly engaged or something, because lately she _always _had that dewy, schmucky look. "Well, look what the cat dragged in!" Leah greeted her.

Emily sniffed disdainfully and set a grocery bag down on the counter. "I brought dinner, but after that crack, maybe I'll just keep it all to myself, whore."

I lunged for the bag and found her homemade sweet potato casserole inside, still warm from the oven. "Hey, now, I didn't say anything. I personally think you look like a goddess walking among us poor, lowly mortals," I said, turning my big puppy dog eyes on her.

She looked at me and laughed. "You're horrible, you know that? I know you only want me for my casserole, you scandalous bitch. I swear you only care about your stomach!"

Leah walked over and got the plates down while I rummaged around for utensils and a knife. Emily served up the food and I grabbed a pop from the fridge, making myself at home on the couch. Leah sat next to me and Emily snagged Jake's easy chair in the corner. (Jake once told me, _"Every dad has to have an easy chair to lounge around in while he watches sports and scratches his balls, Bells. It's, like, tradition or something."_)

The idea of Jake lounging in the chair scratching his balls and watching sports never failed to make me laugh, but right now, I was too nervous about explaining the situation to my girls.

After we finished dinner, I set my plate down and sat on my hands. "Um, so, I was gonna say..." I began, trailing off as I considered how to go about this.

Emily looked over at me curiously and Leah scooted closer so her arm was around my shoulders. "What's up, hon?"

I sighed. "You know the guy in my poli sci class?" I asked. They nodded. "Okay, well, _apparently _Edward 'Captain Christian' Cullen and Tony Masen are the same person," I said.

They both looked incredibly confused. "What do you mean?" Leah finally asked.

I chewed my lip and struggled to explain. "Well, I can't really go into it, but Edward is Tony. Tony is Edward. He kind of had a little identity crisis, but I think he's just going to be like Tony now, or whatever. I don't know, really. He's pretty confused."

"So, what, he like thumps his Bible during the week and then rocks out on the weekend?" she asked.

I flinched. It sounded so critical and harsh coming from her. "It's not like that," I protested.

Emily, who has been quiet until now, spoke up. "Is that why he sang that song about you a couple months ago?" she asked.

I nodded. "Yeah, we were fighting a lot in class and I wasn't very nice to him. I kind of deserved it, you know?"

Leah sat up and her eyes flamed. "So you've known about this, and you're only _now _telling us?"

I cringed. "He asked me not to tell anybody, but when we were in D.C. he said I could tell you guys."

Emily set her plate down and leaned forward. "I must be missing something. If you guys weren't friends back then, why did you feel the need to protect him?"

I met her eyes and felt like she could see right through me. "I don't know, really. Tony Masen was this huge idol for me, and once I met him, it was such a disappointment for me at first. But now..."

"'But now' what?" Leah snapped. She hated it when people kept secrets from her.

"But now, we're friends and I'm glad that I waited until he was ready for me to tell people about it. He's really great," I replied.

Emily paused. "So he's a conservative Christian underneath the tattoos and the veganism? That's just nuts!"

I nodded. "But I don't know what's going to happen, because he's going through some stuff and I'm not sure what that'll mean for him."

Leah stood up and took the plates into the kitchen. I knew she needed a moment, so I didn't follow her. When she came back in, she was a lot calmer. "So you guys are friends now?" she asked.

I nodded and looked down at my lap, waiting for them to see right through me.

Emily was the first to catch on. "You like him, don't you?" she asked softly.

Leah snorted. "Come on, Bella's the most anti-conservative, anti-religious person I know. How could she like someone that she dubbed 'Captain Christian'?"

I squirmed uncomfortably. "Holy shit! You _do _like him, don't you?" Leah shouted incredulously.

I looked up at her and sighed. "He's not that bad, honestly. He has his moments, but the rest of the time, he's awesome. We get along really well and I just think if we gave it a chance, maybe it could work."

Leah patted me with a pitying look on her face. "You think that _now_, but wait until you guys start to fight over ridiculous shit."

"Like what?" I asked defensively.

She rolled her eyes. "Have you forgotten that Republican Christians don't want gay people to get married? Or that they think women should just be vessels for an endless supply of babies? None of us should have the right to health care, either. Jesus, Bella, I really don't see how you could fall for someone who has such different morals than you do!"

I stood up and felt my heart pounding in my chest. I rarely argued with Leah, but this was one of those times. "What is so wrong with someone thinking differently than us? Aren't _we _always bitching and moaning because people expect us to think and act like they do?"

Leah's eyes narrowed. "That's not what I'm saying, and you know it!"

Emily shook her head. "Come on, you guys..."

I held up my hand toward her. "No, this is something that needs to be said. We always talk about how different we are, being vegan and being misunderstood by everyone else. We want everyone to be vegan like us, but we're not ready or willing to embrace the differences of others? How fucking hypocritical is _that_?"

Leah leaned back against the couch in a show of nonchalance. "It's different, Bella. He's one of _them_, one of those people who wants to brainwash everyone to think like they do. What happens if you go out with him, fall in love with him, and he tells you he can't be with you unless you convert to Christianity? What are you going to do then?"

I stiffened and walked away toward the window so I could look out over the quiet street. "I can't think about all of those what-ifs, Leah. All I can think about is how I feel when I'm with him, and how much it makes me wonder if maybe we're only perpetuating the cycle of hypocrisy."

Leah was quiet, but Emily spoke up. "I think you might be right, Bella. Maybe we're so used to defending ourselves against others who don't like us because we're different, that we've begun to dislike people who are different from us. I don't really know Edward, but if you see something in him worth caring about, then I'm sure that he isn't as bad as we might think."

I turned around to look at her wide brown eyes, full of caring and sympathy. I felt the tears well up in my eyes. Leah sat on the couch, her arms crossed as her face went blank. "Leah?" I begged, hoping for her to say something.

She turned toward me and her indifference seemed to melt. "I don't know, Bella. I don't really know him. I guess if you like him, we can try to put our differences aside and see if we can't find some common ground."

I felt my shoulders relax. "Well, it's not like he's going to come in here demanding we all eat some steak from a cow he slaughtered himself, you know."

She laughed and Emily smiled. "No, he'd just come in with a Bible and try to baptize us all," she quipped.

I sniffled and wiped my eyes as I snickered. "I hope you guys will give him a chance," I said quietly.

"We will," Emily assured me. Leah nodded and I walked back over to sit down next to her on the couch. She pulled me into a hug and I relaxed, hoping that all of this would work out somehow.

"...but if he comes at me with a cross, all bets are off," Leah mumbled.

I picked up the small pillow next to me and hit her on the head with it.

**A/N: Ahh, so I guess they had that pillow fight Jake was hoping for, after all;) **

**So how was it? I hope you guys liked it after having to wait so patiently for it! I had originally planned for the radio show to be in this chapter, but I felt like Bella's scene with the girls was more important than that for this chapter. **

**I know I was a failure at giving everyone a preview for this chapter (most of you got one, but a lot of you didn't thanks to my epic shit storm of a life, so I'm sorry), but I'll try really hard to give everyone a preview for this chapter. **

**Lemme know what you thought!**


	19. Crossfire with Tony Masen

**A/N: Thank you to my beta, Adrena. She rocks:) And also thank you to the lovely ladies maniacalmuse and manyafandom for reading this chapter and giving me feedback. **

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**'Nuff said. On to the show! **

EPOV

I walked back through the front door and shot a warning look at Alice. "I know you have an opinion about Bella, but I'd appreciate it if you'd keep it to yourself in the future, okay?"

Alice scrunched up her face and flushed bright red. "I didn't realize you wanted us to be best friends, Edward," she shot back.

Rose looked back and forth between us. "What's going on?" she asked warily.

Alice grumbled and crossed her arms. Her normally pretty face wore a petulant expression. "We all know how much trouble she's been, but _apparently_, Edward still _likes _her."

I ground my teeth in my frustration. I knew Alice was only trying to protect me, but she wasn't even giving Bella a freaking chance.

Comprehension dawned on Rosalie's face. "I see. _Do _you like her, Edward?"

I thought about this. I mean, obviously I liked Bella, or else I wouldn't have enjoyed making out with her so much, but did I _like _like her? "Yeah, I think I do," I admitted quietly. I saw Alice's eyes widen and I crossed my own arms across my chest and stood in a defensive stance. "I don't see why that's such a problem, Ali. All the stuff that happened before is water under the bridge now."

Jasper stepped up and stood beside Alice. "You know it's because Ali cares about you, Tony. It's not like Bella made the best first impression, you know?"

Rose sighed and looked at Alice. "We _all _care about Edward, you guys, and that's exactly why we need to be supportive of his decisions. If he likes Bella, then we need to make an effort to welcome her and get to know her."

Alice's face turned a bit sour. "She's going to try and change him, you know. What if things get serious and he stops going to church because she doesn't like it? What if..."

Rose put a hand up to stop her. "Ali, that's ridiculous. Do you _really _think that Edward's faith is weak enough that he'd be led away from it so easily?"

"The Bible says that we should find partners who are equally yoked in their faith, Rose. Bella won't help Edward along the righteous path."

I opened my mouth to speak, but Emmett stepped forward and frowned. "Ali, you know I love you, but I think you're confusing the 'righteous path' with the '_self_-righteous path.' Tony's a big boy, and if he wants to be with Bella, that's _his _choice. Recall that I wasn't a Christian when I met Rosie, but she inspired me. Maybe Edward's righteous path is to help Bella start along her own path, did you ever consider that?"

I'd had enough. "Hey, guys, I'm in the room, remember? Just listen to me: Bella's not trying to change me anymore than I'd try to change her. I'm not with her to win another Christian for the team, okay? Alice, I appreciate your concern, and I love you dearly for sticking up for me, but Bella and I are friends now and I think you should at least make the effort to get to know her. That being said, I'd like your support, but I don't _need _it. She's sweet and funny and really intelligent, and I like her a lot. I didn't plan on liking her, but I do."

Jasper's hand came up to cup Alice's shoulder and he looked down at her. "I think he's right, baby. I know it'd be ideal for Edward to date someone who's like him, but that's just not the way things are. How long have we all been worried about him? It looks like he's finally found someone who makes him happy, and I'd hate for any of us to ruin that for him."

Rosalie reached for Emmett's hand, and he smiled sweetly at her. "Sometimes people come into our lives for a reason, Ali. I think Bella is here for a reason; God sent her into Edward's life for a purpose, and I think we just need to sit back and see what He has planned for them. Who knows what could happen?" At her last words, she beamed up at Emmett and the message was clear: she hoped I'd find the same happiness with Bella that she'd found with Emmett.

Well, I doubted it at this point, but I couldn't argue with everything else that Rose had said. I already felt that Bella was in my life for a reason, and I had to trust that God knew better than I did what that reason was. I'd have to just operate on that faith and hope for the best.

Ali's shoulders drooped and she looked up at me sorrowfully. "I just want you to be happy, you know? You've been sad for so long, and I'd hate to see you get crushed by this new girl."

I sighed and tried to push back my frustration. Her chin trembled and I saw the water filling her eyes, so I relented and walked over to her with my arms open. She fell against me and embraced me tightly, burying her face in my shirt and sniffling. "It'll be okay. I'm not in any danger of getting 'crushed' by Bella. I'm sorry that you've been worried about me, but I promise you, there's nothing to worry about. I'm fine, okay?"

She looked up at me and I smiled brightly, trying to reassure her. She stepped back and Jasper gathered her against him, trying to soothe her even further. Rose asked Emmett to help her with dinner in the kitchen, and everyone relaxed as the table filled up with delicious homemade food.

Once we were all seated, I looked around the table and realized something that blew my mind away: these people, more than my bitter, angry father, were my family now.

The saying may be "blood is thicker than water," but water is strong; it has the power to cleanse, to heal, and to replenish. If my friends were water, then I was the thirsty man who'd been lost in the desert for the past three years.

Now that I'd found them, my thirst for affection and healing could finally be sated.

Today was Thursday, which meant I'd be meeting with Bella shortly to go over our notes for the radio show. To say I was apprehensive about the show would be an understatement. Bella and I were finally starting to relax around each other, and even though I really liked her, I still wasn't entirely sure how a relationship between us would develop.

I mean, some of the things Alice had said the other night kept bothering me, and I wasn't sure what to think. I obviously couldn't just come right out and ask Bella if she expected me to change for her, but I wasn't too excited at the prospect of getting in even deeper with her without knowing what her expectations were.

We were meeting thirty minutes before the show so that I could show her the set up and get her comfortable with the booth. I knew from talking to her about it on the phone last night that she was nervous, but I assured her that everything would go smoothly.

Now if I could just convince _myself _of that, we'd be good to go.

There was a soft knock on the window, and I turned to see Esme standing there with a hopeful look on her face. I felt my shoulders go stiff as I considered what she could possibly want at this point. I wondered if my father sent her, and if so, if he really thought she'd be able to fix this clusterfuck between us.

I sighed wearily and stood up to open the door. I looked up and down the hallway for Bella, but she wasn't due to be here for another ten minutes, so I stepped out into the hall and looked at Esme. "Hi," I said guardedly.

Her soft brown eyes were lit with concern. "Hi, Edward. I know you're probably wondering what I'm doing here..." I nodded as her voice died away. She took a deep breath and looked around her. "Is there somewhere we can sit and speak privately?"

I led her down the hallway to the radio station break room. It was currently abandoned and I breathed a sigh of relief. I closed the door behind us and gestured her over to the sticky table covered in crumbs leftover from lunch. She sat down in one of the creaky vinyl-covered chairs and crossed her legs. She looked so classy against the grimy, forlorn background of the break room that I couldn't help but feel her nervousness. "So, why are you here?" I asked, trying to keep any of the hurt and anger out of my question.

Esme stared down at her heels and appeared to consider her words carefully. Finally, after I'd begun to wonder if she'd even speak at all, let alone answer my question, she looked at me with great sadness in her eyes. "I thought you might need a friend," she said softly.

I was completely floored. "But...what about my father?" I asked hoarsely.

She sighed and pinched her lips together. "I love your father, but I don't think he's ready for the kind of relationship I'd expect with him. I think he still has a lot of healing to do. I know that Elizabeth, your mom, was the love of his life, and I wouldn't ever want him to deny that...but I also know that he has to move on, or he'll never heal his broken relationship with you."

I sat, unmoving, as her words penetrated the anger I felt against my father. "I don't know if..."

She leaned forward and I trailed off, wondering what she wanted to say. "You and I don't know each other that well, but I feel like...like it's within my power to help you in some way. I recognize myself in you in so many ways, and I'm entirely aware of how crazy that sounds, but I just couldn't get rid of the feeling that I could be here for you, in whatever way you'd like me to be." She drew in a deep breath and held it as she looked up at me as if embarrassed.

I was once again stunned by her words, wondering where someone like her came from. I didn't even really know what to say, but I was saved from that when she spoke again.

"I knew your mother quite well through the church, and I know she would be completely heartbroken to see you and Carlisle like this. I guess, in a way, I want to be here for you so that you know you're right; you _need _to be who you are, no matter what anyone, even your father, says. I just need you to know that."

"What about my dad, though?" I asked suspiciously.

She grumbled. "To be frank? I think he needs to pull his head out of his ass and realize that he's going to lose you completely if he doesn't. Pardon my language," she said as an afterthought.

I was so surprised that I couldn't help the short, snorting laugh that came out. "I'd agree with you, but I'm pretty sure he doesn't agree with _either _of us."

She laughed, but her eyes were still sad.

"...So, where does this leave us?" I asked after awhile.

She stared down at the sticky ring left by someone's pop can. "I guess it leaves us as friends, if you'd like. I'm not really speaking to your father, so you don't have to worry that I'm here to do any fishing for information for him."

I felt my shoulders relax slightly, and I realized that she'd just relieved one of my lingering concerns. "Do you...think he'll ever be okay?" I asked sadly, my heart so full of pain for him that I felt as if it were cracking into pieces.

Her eyes teared up and for the second time this week, I felt helpless against a crying female. My hands felt large and clumsy and I questioned what I should do, because I didn't know Esme the way I knew Alice; she probably wouldn't welcome a hug from me.

"I don't know," she whispered. "But I hope, because that's all I can do."

"I know exactly what you mean," I replied quietly.

BPOV

The radio station was small and threadbare. The hallway I was walking down in search of Edward had plain white walls and that standard dingy blue carpet that tried to hide the stains. I peeked through the small window on each door before I came to the fourth one down. I spotted the back of Edward's head and relaxed as I knocked on the door.

He spun around and I watched him get up to let me in the small studio. "Hey," I said.

"Hey," he replied. He sounded distracted. He stepped back and turned around to pick up some papers, so I took the opportunity to get a good look at him.

He wore a plain black military cap on his head, a black zip-up Champion hoodie with a white t-shirt peeking out from underneath, and dark jeans cuffed at the bottom. His black and white sneakers looked new. When he bent over the desk, his keys jangled on the clip hooked to his belt loops. His studded belt glinted in the dim light and I tried to see what his belt buckle said, but he looked up.

_Shit. _He caught me staring at his crotchular region. _Fantastic_. Now he'd be all "Blah, blah, God hates boners!" and all that, and then I'd _never _get my hands in his pants.

_Sigh_.

"Uhh...sorry, I was just trying to see what your belt buckle says," I stuttered awkwardly. I ran a hand through my choppy hair and wished that it would just grow the fuck back out so I wouldn't feel like Sinead O'Connor or crazy-ass Britney Spears anymore.

He smirked and lifted an eyebrow. "Oh, is _that _what you were doing?" he asked in a husky, amused voice.

My jaw dropped. _Did he just say that? _"Did you just say that?" I gasped.

He laughed. "Oh no! The Christian boy made a _joke_! Someone call Jesus and tattle!"

Now my jaw dropped and my eyes bugged out of my head. I choked and coughed a little bit.

He shook his head at me. "You look like you just saw the pope drop an f-bomb, you know."

I swallowed and wiped the tears from my eyes that had been brought on by my coughing fit. "That's because I thought the chances of hearing the pope cuss were better than the chances of hearing you say what you just said," I rasped out.

He crossed to me and curled his long hands around my hips to pull me close. When he bent his head down to brush those fucking amazing lips against mine, my knees wobbled. I felt my pulse pick up as his warm hands gripped my hips so temptingly. I pushed up on my tiptoes and sank into the kiss. I moved my lips, opening them slightly so that I could drown in his addictive taste.

He backed me up against something and I gasped when his tongue probed my mouth, bringing my blood to the boiling point. My nipples hardened and ached, chafing against my clothes. He angled his head, sinking deeper until I whimpered against the onslaught of lust bombarding my system.

I pulled away and came up for air, but it still smelled all spicy and cinnamony, just like Edward. "I...umm..." I said.

He laughed softly and brought his hand up to cup my cheek, pulling me back. "Shut up," he said with a sexy smile against my lips.

So I did.

The next kiss was hotter than the last, but I was all too aware of where we were, and it affected my ability to lose myself completely in the Edward Experience. I didn't have the willpower to pull away again, so I waited until he withdrew.

"I guess I should prepare you for the show, or you'll be totally clueless when it comes time to start in..." he checked his phone, "ten minutes."

I gasped and flattened my hands against his chest, resisting the need to molest the fuck out of his sexy ass. "Ugh. I can't believe we just wasted all of our prep time making out," I grumbled.

He shot me the sexy raised eyebrow. "Excuse me? 'Wasted' time making out? You really know how to flatter a man," he said sarcastically.

I scrunched my nose at him and huffed. "You know what I mean," I griped.

He leaned in to bury his nose in my neck, and I shivered when he brushed his lips across the sensitive skin. "I don't think I do," he murmured.

I pulled away and swallowed all the drool that just pooled in my mouth. "Where the hell did Seduceward come from?" I demanded. "This is an outrage! I thought _I _was supposed to be the skanky one, luring you away from your wholesome ways."

Edward frowned down at me. "Don't say that about yourself," he said.

I rolled my eyes. "Your friend Alice seems to think I'm out to corrupt you, and while that sounds _really _appealing, I doubt you're even willing, so that'd be pretty difficult to do, y'know?"

His heated gaze grew calm and cool as he stepped away from me. "Don't worry, I talked to her about it. I think she's going to make an effort to be on her best behavior now."

I was surprised. "Did you go through the Spanish Inquisition with your friends, too?"

He smirked. "Yeah, I guess you could say that. I think they're supportive, though."

"Mine too, kind of," I said.

There was an awkward moment as we both considered the fact that telling our friends about each other meant that this wasn't just a dirty, shameful little friends-with-benefits situation anymore...if that's what it ever was to begin with, anyway.

Whatever this was between us, I already knew that I wanted to really be with him...and I hoped he wanted that, too.

He shuffled his feet and looked down at the papers he'd picked up again. "Crap, we need to get ready for the show!"

He showed me to one side of the table with a microphone and handed me a pair of headphones. I watched him walk around to the other side and pick up his own headphones. "Okay, so wear these and just follow my lead for now. Next time, I promise we'll go over more of the stuff beforehand so you don't feel out of it, okay?"

I nodded and tried not to panic as he flipped a series of switches and messed with some dials. Music piped through my headphones, and I looked at him in amazement when I recognized OCS playing. "Are we on air?" I mouthed to him. He nodded and smiled reassuringly at me.

Once the song clip ended, he pulled the big studio mic toward him and _winked _at me right before he spoke. "Welcome to a new show, listeners! The young Republican show has been replaced with a new show with an all-new format. We're calling it Young and Opinionated. With us now is Bella Swan, a liberal democrat who will be engaging in discussions with me on all the hot issues in politics today. So...welcome, Bella. Is there anything you'd like to say?"

My eyes had to be as wide as saucers. "Um...hey!" I said into my microphone, my voice coming out as a pathetic squeak.

Edward chuckled and slid a piece of paper in front of me. On it was a list of our proposed topics for the discussion today. "A little story about how Bella and I met: we're in this political science class together, and she hated my guts at first...but once I unleashed the power of my dazzling smile, she was like putty in my hands."

I forgot my nerves at his words and scoffed loudly. "Yeah, I don't think that's quite how it happened, chief. It went more like this: Edward was an uptight dork, but since I'm awesome, I pissed him off with my inflammatory political views. True story."

Edward smirked at me and I had to blink. I realized then what he'd done: make me forget my nerves. I was acting naturally, and I was amazed to find myself being...well, myself with him.

"So let's talk about the health care reform. What's your opinion on..."

And on the show went, effortlessly. Our time flew as we debated, sometimes hotly, over things like health care, gay marriage, and taxes.

At the end of the show, he looked at me with relief. "Well, listeners, what did you think of our first show?"

The phone rang and Edward answered the call, greeting the caller on air.

"_Yeah, I was just wondering what song you played at the beginning of the show,"_ the caller asked.

I wondered if Edward would reveal himself. He smiled as he turned to the microphone. "That was my band, OCS. We're a vegan straight edge hardcore band. You can find us on Myspace, Facebook, and the Northwest Hardcore boards."

We went through another few calls before our time was up. He flipped the switches and turned the dials, and when he took off his headphones, I knew we were off the air. I took my headphones off and took a deep breath.

"You did awesome," he said with a reassuring smile.

I grinned back at him and stood up, stretching my legs and back. "Thanks."

He offered to walk me out to my truck, and I accepted. We walked side by side, quiet in the darkness outside. I wanted to ask him so many things, but I didn't know where to begin.

Most of all, I wanted to know where we stood. Were we just "hanging out," or were we actually heading toward a real relationship?

I had no idea how to ask, so I just kept my mouth shut until we reached my lovable rusty heap. I shivered in the chilly air and huddled into my thin hoodie. He must have noticed, because he frowned slightly and reached out to hug me close to him. "Are you cold?" he asked.

"I'm okay, I'll be warmer once I have the heater on," I said.

He pulled back and unzipped his hoodie. "Come here," he said. I stepped close to him and he wrapped the sides of his hoodie around me as I wrapped my arms around his waist. He held me closely while I soaked up his warmth. "You're too skinny. Let's go get a Big Mac and fatten you up," he joked.

I smiled into his shirt and peeked up at him, but all I could really see from this angle were his lips and jaw, and that just made it hard to focus. "When did you get so snarky, mister?"

He hummed and backed us up against my truck. "Believe it or not, my friends tell me I've got a _great _sense of humor. I think it just never got a chance to show up around you before now," he said.

I considered this and began to regret more than ever our first impressions of each other. We'd wasted so much time on hating each other that it was amazing to see how far we'd come.

"I guess you're right," I conceded. "I wish I'd given you a chance in the beginning," I said sadly.

He rocked us back and forth, and I was incredibly soothed by the motion. "I think maybe we weren't ready to appreciate each other's differences yet," he replied.

"Maybe," I agreed. "But...we still have a long way to go," I said honestly.

He pulled back just enough to meet my eyes. "That's true," he agreed. "I wonder if we'll ever get there."

We pondered this for awhile and I tried to think of what he wanted to hear. Finally, I just pulled him down for a kiss. He let me lead without taking over, and when it was over, I swallowed my pride and decided to just be honest with him. "I...like you a lot, Edward. I know we don't see eye to eye on a lot of things, and that I was a total bitch to you in the beginning, but I can't help it; I really like you. There, I said it," I finished with a blush and a rush of air exhaled from my lungs.

Edward smiled and brushed a fingertip across my cheek. "I think we have a lot to learn from each other, you know what I mean? I like you, too. You make me feel good...well, when you're not chewing me out over something," he quipped.

I scoffed and pushed at him playfully. "You seem a lot more comfortable with this...with _us_...since the other day," I said.

He looked thoughtful. "I guess I had a realization," he said cryptically.

"About...?" I pushed.

He pulled away and stuck his hands in the pockets of his hoodie. I shivered at the loss of his heat, but I knew he needed to have his distance for whatever he was about to say.

"I realized that there's this huge part of me that isn't even really run by _me_, but by my dad, that I need to work on. I also realized that this life is short, and it's ridiculous to push away the people who make me feel good, no matter what they believe or don't believe in."

His words hung in the night air with weight and significance. I heard them, but I also _felt _them. He was giving me an insight into who he has, and that was infinitely precious to me at this moment.

"That's a good way to look at it," I said quietly, my breath escaping in a white puff in the chilly air.

His brilliant eyes locked on mine, and I felt that if I could freeze time, I would want to freeze the sight of him right now. He had such an breathtaking mixture of painful confusion, exhilarating relief, and achingly beautiful hope on his face.

"Thank you," he whispered.

**A/N: The "God hates boners" line is from my friend Derek. He's an awesome writer and I loved that line so freaking much I **_**had **_**to steal it. No, I'm not making fun of anyone…Bella's a character, and it's meant to be funny, not insulting. **


	20. Divine Order

**A/N: Blows off the dust collected on DoG* I know after a long absence, it's nice to dig into a big, long chapter...but unfortunately, when I wrote this, it ended naturally after about six pages. Sorry. I promise it won't be another 2 or 3 months until I update again. I was just kind of stuck on this chapter and it didn't wanna come out. **

**That being said, I hope you enjoy this, even though it's short:) Music in this chapter is by Beirut.**

**Thanks Adrena! You rock for getting this back to me so fast.**

CPOV

I hadn't seen or heard from Edward in a couple weeks, but I knew that he was okay because I would have heard something if he wasn't.

That was a lie. I didn't know if he was really okay or not. Just because he hadn't shown up at the hospital didn't mean he wasn't suffering in some other way.

I stared at the phone on my desk at work and wished that it would ring. If he'd call, just to tell me where he was, maybe I could sleep easier. Maybe I wouldn't stay up all night sitting on his bare mattress, wishing he'd walk through the door.

Esme had been right when she said that I'd lost Edward.

I missed her, too. I had no right to miss her, but that didn't seem to make a difference. The only two people in my life that I cared about were gone, and I knew now that I only had myself to blame.

After staring at the phone for so long, it finally rang. I sent up a silent prayer that it would be my son, or Esme, and picked it up. "Dr. Cullen here."

Disappointment formed a lump in my chest. "Yes, I'll be right up. Thank you."

EPOV

"_What melody will lead my lover from his bed?_

_What melody will see him in my arms again?"_

The music played as Bella wrapped her hand around my neck and sighed into my mouth. My right hand was in her hair, but my left hand was in the neutral territory on her side between her waist and her breast. I thought I could maintain that position.

That was, until Bella did the thing where she circled her hips up into mine and moaned a little bit as I was kissing her.

I felt myself get harder than I was before, and I knew she could feel it, too. She kept circling her hips, ever so slightly, and I was going to lose control if she kept it up.

I tried to roll off her, but she just followed me until she was on top. She kept kissing me, and the more our tongues met, the more erotic the kissing got. I was getting hot, even though I was only in a t-shirt and jeans, and Bella had flushed cheeks. She was sitting on me, right where I wanted her but where I _shouldn't _want her, and I could see her hard nipples through her shirt when she pulled away for a moment to kiss my neck.

When she nibbled on my earlobe, I groaned in agony. There was no way this could keep going or I'd totally lose it and embarrass myself in front of her. Nothing killed the mood like premature ejaculation in your pants.

Bella didn't seem to notice, however, as she took one of my limp hands and brought it up to her breast. I could feel the pebble of her nipple in the middle of my palm, and the weight of her flesh was so tempting in my hand that just had to feel it for a moment. I promised myself I'd pull away before it got to be too much, but once I started, I couldn't really stop. I kept massaging it while Bella made those little moans.

Then she pulled her shirt off. I'd seen part of her torso before, that time she got the Pablo Neruda tattoo, but this was a completely different situation.

She was beautiful. For a moment, the evil side of my brain begged her to take off her bra, too. I wanted to see all of her, more than I wanted to be the gentleman and remove myself from the temptation that she presented.

Bella took my slack jaw in her hand and brought my mouth back up to hers. I sat up and hugged her around her back, hoping that if her breasts were out of my sight, they'd be out of my mind.

However, I hadn't bet on the feel of them pressed up against my chest, especially not when combined with the arch of her hips against mine. My skin felt hot and itchy, and I knew I was getting sweaty under my shirt.

"Let's get this off," she said with a devilish grin. I helped her take my shirt off, believing that maybe the cool air would help cool me down a bit.

Bella hummed in pleasure once my shirt was off, and I felt myself flush a bit; it's not like she hadn't seen my chest before, because I was used to going shirtless at shows, but once again, this was different. Bella was pressed up against me again, and I felt my hands drop to her hips. I was unwittingly helping her thrust against me, and it felt better than any fucking thing than I'd felt in years, even though our jeans.

Her mouth was sweet and hot on mine, and I could smell her skin all around me. I felt like a big, clumsy oaf with my paws all over her, but she was so small and delicate in my hands. I wanted...I wanted to be back on top of her again.

I turned us around so that she was beneath me again, and she arched her chest up into mine. I groaned into her mouth and kissed her deeper. My hips pushed into hers, and I forgot why I'd ever wanted to stop this in the first place.

We'd been kissing for so long that my lips were starting to hurt, but I didn't care at all. I kept on kissing her, and it was like I was becoming addicted to her taste. I wanted more; I always wanted more.

"_It's been a long time since I've seen you smile..."_

Bella wrapped her legs around me and used her feet on my backside to push me into her. I could feel her heat through her pants and my body demanded to get closer to that heat.

It was like she was the fire and I was the man lost in the cold for years before I found her.

Without really realizing what I was doing, I reached behind Bella and found the clasp on her bra. I fumbled with the stupid material and Bella arched up to give me some room to work. Finally, it was open and Bella gleefully pulled her bra off.

Her naked breasts were there, right in front of my eyes. I could see them, I could touch them, I could do anything I wanted to them. Bella looked at me with an encouraging expression.

And then reality came crashing back down on me, and I remembered exactly why I should have stopped this before it got out of hand.

"What? What's wrong?" Bella asked, looking a little stunned as she searched for her shirt and held it up against her chest.

I sighed and scrubbed a hand over my face, willing my erection to go away so I wouldn't "accidentally" let my dick fall into her hot, wet...

"I can't do this now. It's just too...too fast," I hedged.

Bella went to pull her shirt back on. "I'm sorry," she mumbled. I could tell she was embarrassed because the happy blush she'd had a moment ago had faded, only to be replaced by a deep red flush.

I stood up and went over to stand by the window. "It's not you. I mean, it _is _you, but not how you think. You're just too sexy and I'm not very good at controlling myself around you. I just..."

Bella smiled and I could tell I'd helped ease her embarrassment a bit. "Are you a virgin?" she asked.

I looked out the window. "No, but it's complicated and, I dunno..." I trailed off, totally incapable of explaining what was going on inside my head.

"It's okay. I'll be right back, okay?" She gathered her clothes and went to the bathroom. I turned off the music. When she came back, I had myself under control and she looked happy. We decided to go to the living room and watch a movie, because we were highly unlikely to fool around out there when Rose or Emmett could walk in at any time.

We'd finished our second radio show earlier tonight and we'd come back to Rose and Em's in high spirits. Bella was getting more comfortable with being on the radio, and I was beginning to hope that having the weekly outlet to discuss our differences would enable us to feel comfortable talking about them in our personal lives. We hadn't had an argument since we started the show, but I couldn't tell if that was because we were relaxing around each other or if it was because we were carefully ignoring the big elephant in the room.

I was still staying here while I figured out what to do about my dad, but I was no closer to figuring that out than I had been when I left. All I knew was that I had to get away from him, or I'd never be happy.

The room I was staying in was normally decorated in a frilly light green and white that Rosalie had picked out as a "neutral" look for the guest bedroom. Since I'd been here for awhile, and it looked like I might be here even longer unless Carlisle suddenly showed up with a pony and an apology for being such an overbearing asshole, Rose had urged me to make myself feel at home by putting up some pictures or whatever.

I'd decided to start paying them rent, but then I'd decided that the best thing to do would be to find an apartment of my own somewhere so that I wouldn't be in their way. The last thing I wanted was a repeat of last Thursday night, when I walked in on them fooling around in the kitchen. I shuddered as the mental picture of Emmett's half-naked ass filled my mind.

"What's _that _look about?" Bella asked with a laugh.

I pulled myself away from the grotesque thoughts and turned to her with a distracted smile. "Nothing, really. I just saw more of Emmett than I ever thought I'd see last week. I think it's time for me to get out of here."

She frowned a little. "You mean you're going to move home again?"

I looked away. "No, I don't think that's going to happen. I moved home when my mom died because I thought it was important to stay close with my-- I mean, Carlisle-- but that didn't really seem to help anything. I'm gonna start looking for an apartment somewhere close by."

She was quiet for a minute before she looked up at me with wide eyes. "You know, Jake and the guys have a car garage with a vacant apartment above it. They've been looking to rent it for months. You want me to ask them about it?"

I thought about that for a minute. "Yeah, I mean, I guess it wouldn't hurt to look. I'll need something cheap, at least until I can find a job. Carlisle didn't want me to work while I was in school, unless it was something that would 'further my career.'"

She snorted. "Yeah, I guess the idea of his Golden Boy slinging burgers and fries wouldn't sit too well with him."

I shifted a bit, uncomfortable with talking about my father with Bella. She had a really low opinion of him, and while I couldn't exactly blame her, it still made me feel slightly guilty when we badmouthed him.

She must have caught on to my expression, because she said, "Sorry. I'll shut up now. So, what kind of work do you think you'll aim for?"

I shrugged. "Whatever I can find, pretty much. I've never had any kind of job other than the political stuff I do. I probably _will _end up asking people if they want fries with their supersized slaughtered meat smothered in its own breast milk."

Bella and I both grimaced and she fake-gagged. "Well, when you say it like _that_, it really makes me want a Big Mac!"

"I used to eat Big Macs when I was a kid. My mom took me to McDonald's as a special treat whenever my dad was working during dinner. Not all the time, but whenever we felt like being bad. I always felt like it was this special little secret between us, because my dad's a doctor so he didn't approve of his kid eating fast food, but it turns out he knew about it all along," I told her.

Bella came closer to me and pressed herself up against my side. "How'd he know?"

I sighed. "I'd been vegan for years, but the night after she died, I went to McDonald's and ordered the same thing I used to get when I was a kid. I sat there in that stupid, garish place and tried to feel like I was a kid with my mom again, but I couldn't eat a single bite. When I looked up, I saw my dad. He came over with a tray and sat down with me. We ate. When we were done, I asked him how he knew I'd be here and he told me that my mom loved McDonald's so much because that's where he'd met her back when they were college students."

"Wow," Bella said quietly.

I nodded. "I was sick after eating the food, but it was worth it. I'd found out something about my mom that I'd never known before, and it was one of the last times with my dad that made me feel close to him."

I turned to Bella and saw a tear slipping down her cheek. I frowned. "You don't have to cry for me," I said.

She shook her head and looked at me with her big, wet brown eyes. "Don't you get it? You're so sad, Edward. It's so hard to see you struggling with this. I never had that kind of love with my mother, and I never saw myself as close with my father, but you've had such a wonderful relationship with your parents and I just...I just wish that _you _hadn't been the one to lose your mom, you know?"

I shushed her. "Don't say that, Bella. You don't want to wish your mom had died."

She closed her eyes. "You know what I mean, though. You should have been able to keep her. She sounds like she was such an amazing woman. I'll never understand why people like her die so young."

I sighed. "God works in mysterious ways. It's not for you or I to figure out his bigger plan. We just have to have faith in the plan. He took my mom because she was meant to go. I can't pretend I understand why, but I can feel comfort in knowing that she had a higher purpose than living."

Bella pulled away. "How can you put so much faith in something you can't see? I mean, all this fucked up shit happens, and yet you think God is this kind and merciful being who has a 'higher purpose' for doing the things he does? It's like...it's like complacency. I understand you wanting to comfort yourself, but what if sometimes shit just happens? Does it always have to have a _reason _behind it?"

"For me, to believe in God means to have faith in everything that He does. If my mom died, it's because He had a reason. If my dad and I aren't getting along, it's because there's something that will come of the situation. It's just like I believe that I met you for a reason when your mom left, and I feel like that reason was because..."

"Wait, wait a minute. My mom left because she's a selfish bitch who only thinks of herself. I would have been in the poli sci class anyway, or I would have met you like I did at Veg Fest. It's just a coincidence," she insisted.

I sighed. The elephant seemed to be emerging. "Haven't you ever had a moment where you felt like you could see that there was something bigger than yourself? That maybe, just maybe, you weren't simply going through the motions, but that there was a bigger meaning behind everything that happened?"

She pinched her lips. "Not really, no. I believe life is what you make it. That's not to say that I've completely given up the idea of God, but I also don't think I'm just a puppet for him to do with what he wants."

I looked away. "I don't feel like a puppet. I never have. I believe we came into each other's lives when we did for a reason, and I think it was so we could help each other."

She slumped back against the couch. "It's a nice thought, but if we help each other, it's because _we _help each other, you know? Like you didn't just sit at home and wait until God plopped a guitar into your hands and told you to start a band, did you?"

I shook my head. "It's not like we're all completely devoid of free will, but rather that there is a divine order that is greater than human order. We have the perspective of ants when it comes to God's vision for the universe. We're only a small part of something much greater. What looks like chaos to us is actually a carefully organized plan. It's our destiny, and we all play a part."

Bella was silent, and I couldn't tell if I had gotten to her or not. I didn't mean to go on like that, but when we discussed things, we usually got heated and I didn't want her to feel like I was preaching to her.

"I wish I had that kind of faith, Edward. All I see when I look at the world is a bunch of people just trying to do the best they can, or the worst they can. I don't see people as agents of something bigger. When I look at you, I'm grateful you came into my life, but it's not because I think someone or something brought you to me. I think you're here because we're attracted to each other and we've both experienced pain that can help us understand each other. I like being with you, even if we're fighting. That's all it is to me, you know? I'm not trying to sound heartless. It's just the way I see it," she said finally.

I reached out and took her hand. "Maybe someday you'll see it my way," I said, trying to sound encouraging. It sounded like she really did want to believe the way I did.

She looked sad, but she lifted my hand up to her mouth and kissed the back of it before she put it back in my lap. "I think I should go. I'll see you in class, okay?"

She walked out the door before I could think of something to say.


	21. Send Your Fire Down on Me

**A/N: Music for this chapter is from Colonies. Check em out. **

**Please excuse any mistakes, because I practically ran past my beta with it and then added a whole big chunk in the middle that she hasn't even seen. **** Thanks Adrena!!**

**OH! And for those of you who are readers of my story All Work and No Play, a new chapter is with my beta as we speak, so you'll hopefully get an update this weekend sometime. **

BPOV

I hadn't spoken to Edward since our conversation the other day after the radio show and the extremely hot make out session, so I wasn't really sure where we stood. Would he be upset that I didn't stay and talk it out with him, or were we okay?

It's not like I'd meant to just leave when he was revealing his beliefs to me, but I also hadn't planned on feeling the way I did when he was talking about God and how I was part of a big plan. I was confused to find that I felt a longing in my chest for something that made me feel comforted like Edward's belief in God made him feel. I wanted to have a certainty that someone was looking out for me and that whoever it was cared about me, but the logical part of my brain whispered that I wouldn't necessarily find that just by subscribing to some religion.

I wanted Edward; that much I knew was true. I also knew that these differences between us wouldn't be an easy fix, but I wanted to fix them. I wanted to work it out so that we could find a way to be together, even if it wouldn't be...

I looked up from my book that I hadn't actually been reading at the sound of tires crunching on my front drive. It didn't sound like Charlie's cruiser, and I didn't have anyone else coming over, so I put down my book and ran downstairs. I really hoped it wasn't Renee trying to come back or something, because I really couldn't deal with that right now.

To my complete surprise, I saw Edward climbing out of his car looking better than he had any right to look. I watched him from the open doorway as he walked toward me with a nervous look on his face. He must have come over after band practice or something, because he looked a little bit sweaty and his hair was hidden beneath a black military cap. His tattoos peeked out beneath a dark Youth Crew t-shirt and black Dickies shorts that fell to just below his knees. He was wearing his battered black and white Saucony sneakers and his keys clanked on his keychain clipped to his belt.

I drooled a little bit as I watched him come toward me.

When he reached the porch, I opened the door all the way and smiled shyly at him. "This is a nice surprise," I greeted him.

His lickable lips lifted in a smile and I watched him rub the back of his neck self-consciously. "Is it? Because I haven't heard from you in a few days and I worried that maybe I'd scared you off with our last conversation."

I shook my head. "No, I was just...processing, I guess. I'm not the best at talking about serious things, you know? I guess I just felt really awkward and stupid when we were talking," I replied.

He closed the last few feet between us and reached out to pull me to him. I went willingly and buried my nose in the crook of his neck. I had to stand on my tiptoes to do it, and that made me grin. "Why are you all sweaty?"

He laughed and looked down at me. "I came over right after band practice. The guys cut it short 'cuz I wasn't focused."

I was surprised. Edward seemed so focused on his music. "You should come in," I told him. I took his hand and led him back into my house. He paused at the living room, but I didn't know when Charlie would be home and I wasn't really in the mood to have this conversation over the baseball game, so I dragged him past the couch and to the bottom of the stairs.

He pulled up short and looked up the stairs with an apprehensive expression on his face. I rolled my eyes and chuckled. "Don't worry, you don't have to be afraid of little ol' me. I just want some privacy so we can talk."

He sighed and looked down at our hands. "I'm not so sure I'm worried about you. I think I'm more worried about _me_."

I began to tug him up the stairs. "What do you mean?" I asked.

"I mean that the last time we hung out, I had a really hard time stopping when we did and I almost...didn't," he admitted. I looked back at him to see the uncomfortable look on his face. I was amazed that he was being so open about this.

"I had a really hard time stopping too, but then, I'm just a horny little heathen," I joked half-heartedly.

He squeezed my hand in his when we reached the top of the stairs. "Don't say things like that about yourself, Bella. I don't think that way about you, and you shouldn't, either."

His face was so earnest that I felt a little bit embarrassed by my lame joke. I suddenly felt like it was in bad taste and I tried to apologize. "I'm sorry, that was lame," I said with a self-deprecating eye roll directed at myself.

He laid a fingertip on my lips and smirked. "Don't apologize."

Blushing, I led him into my bedroom and tried to straighten out the bedspread so we could sit down. He looked around with interest, and I tried to see the room through his eyes.

There were several posters on the wall, some of them for local bands and vegan outreach events. There were ticket stubs from shows, pictures of me with friends and family, and some set lists. I saw his eyes land on a particularly treasured cluster of set lists, and I was the one who smiled self-consciously this time. "Jake and Leah brought me those when I couldn't make it to the shows," I explained.

He looked at me and smiled. "It's kind of crazy to see something I wrote displayed on your wall like something important," he said.

My cheeks pinked again as I thought about that. I hadn't even really thought about the song titles scrawled in black Sharpie on notebook paper being something from Edward until this moment, but now that I had, I couldn't get over the strange little thrill at the idea of a piece of him being here, in this room all this time without my even realizing it.

"Makes me feel kind of famous or something. I'm such a loser, huh?" He laughed at himself and turned away from the set lists and I flipped on some music to kill the quiet that had enveloped the room.

"_On the shore_

_we sing to the hearts of broken lore_

_in the land of fire and of fear_

_our best guess is all we have..."_

"I don't think you're a loser, or I obviously wouldn't be so crazy about your band," I told him. I sat down on the bed and patted the space next to me. "Let's talk."

He looked reluctant for a moment, but quickly conceded and sat down next to me. "Let me start off by apologizing to you for proselytizing to you. I've never been that kind of Christian and I don't want to start now. I guess when you said you wished you believed as I do, it was an automatic reaction to tell you that you could if you wanted to," he said.

I shook my head. "It wasn't that, honestly. I know when I'm being preached to. I didn't feel like you were on a soapbox. It was just that, for the first time in a long time, I felt like something is lacking in my life. My words...my explanations of how I feel about God felt so empty and weak next to yours. And it's not like I'm saying that I want to convert or anything, it's just that I feel like I need to find something I can believe in. Leah and Jacob are atheists, and they believe in the lack of something. They're happy with that, but I'm not. I'm not a religious person, and I doubt I'll ever be, but I'm sick of being agnostic. It's so on the fence, y'know? It's so noncommittal. I guess sitting next to you, hearing you say what you believe, made me feel like there _is _something out there that I can believe in, whether it's God, or the absence of God, or science, or whatever. I just realized that maybe it's time I try to find something like that."

Edward looked a little bit shocked and a little bit impressed. I smiled shyly at him and chuckled. "Sorry for babbling, I just didn't want you to think that I left the other day because I was uncomfortable with what _you _were saying."

He smiled and bent over to drape an arm around my shoulder, pulling me close. "I'm glad. I mean, I'm glad that you didn't feel offended. I don't want to scare you off," he said into my hair.

I turned my face toward his and pulled his face down to mine. I couldn't think about anything anymore except for kissing him, so that's what I did. He went along with it willingly, and I gloried in the feel of his soft lips sliding against mine. We turned toward each other on my bed, and I heard the box spring squeak under our weight.

The sound made my heartbeat kick up a notch. It made me think of getting naked and getting Edward naked, and my hormones took over. I deepened the kiss, drawing closer to him. His hands dropped around my waist and pulled me onto his lap. I crawled over him slowly, anticipation lighting every inch of my sensitized skin. His tongue met mine and I hummed at the delicious taste of his mouth. I straddled his hips and rested my weight on his thighs. He groaned and pulled me even closer. It was my turn to moan when I felt his skin getting hotter under my hands.

I braced myself on his forearms, feeling the need to move against him as we continued to kiss. His lips and tongue were driving me wild. I felt wanton, free from the concerns that plagued me mere minutes ago. I just wanted him, and if the growing hardness beneath me was any indication, he seemed to want me, too.

I let my hips move in a slow gyration, bringing an electrified sensation of lust zinging through my veins. I dropped my hands down to his waist so I could find the hem of his t-shirt and push my hands up underneath. I wanted to feel his hot skin more than anything in that moment, and it burned into my palms invitingly. Edward's hands left my ass and he did that sexy one-armed shirt shucking that guys always do on TV but never quite successfully manage in real life.

When his shirt was off, he smirked at me and it was the sexiest thing I'd ever seen. His hands pressed between my shoulder blades to bring my mouth back down to his, and this time, I took the lead. For all his relative inexperience, I still felt lost whenever he touched me like this. I couldn't help it. I tried to keep the control by pushing him back onto the bed, but the way we went down implied that he wouldn't have been quite so easy to push if he'd been against the idea.

We were side by side on the bed, and I had my leg hitched over his hips as he ran his hands up inside my shirt. I arched against him and moaned into his mouth when his hands came to rest on my breasts over my bra. I felt his hot palms through the thin fabric, and my nipples pebbled in reaction. "May I?" he asked as he removed his hands to tug on my shirt. I nodded and went back to licking and nibbling on his earlobe.

Once my shirt was off, his hands went to the clasp of my bra and I helped him remove that, too. I continued nibbling on his ear, and I could tell that he loved it by the way his hips would jerk towards mine every time the tip of my tongue would dip into the shell of his ear. He played with my nipples, experimenting until he found just the right way to pinch and stroke them. I was practically panting now, and I still hand my pants on, even though my panties were now soaked through.

I stroked one hand down his chest and over the fascinating bulge in his pants. His hips jerked again and his mouth stilled on my neck for a moment, but he didn't say anything, so I kept rubbing against him through the heavy material of his Dickies.

After a calculated time, I laid my hand on his belt buckle and waited for a protest. I unbuckled his belt and toyed with the button, just waiting to see if he'd say anything, but his mouth moved to mine and his tongue thrust between my lips with an intensity that made me believe that he really wanted this.

The air in the room was heavy and thick with the heat coming off our bodies as I slowly unzipped his shorts. I could hear every click of metal against metal, and the sound zinged along my consciousness, causing all my synapses to fire off. I wanted to touch him so much, I felt like I would cry if he stopped me now.

He had one hand in my hair and one hand on my waist as I reached between the folds of cloth and found the opening in his boxers. I carefully pulled him free and felt along his silky skin with the tips of my fingers. He was so smooth and yet so hard, and I felt compelled to explore him. The tip of my thumb brushed against the head of his dick and I felt the moisture gathered there. He hissed into my mouth and my hand jerked. I didn't want to hurt him, but I couldn't stop touching him.

"Is this okay?" I whispered against his wet lips.

He laid his open mouth against mine. "Oh yeah," he moaned, and I felt a rush of lust hit me like a ton of bricks.

Our mouths played a game of advance and retreat as my hand stroked along his length. He was big, but it didn't scare me. I wondered if he'd ever let me suck him, but I figured that would be way off in the future so I just focused on touching him with my hands.

I found a rhythm he seemed to like, but I thought maybe it was too slow. I knew a dry hand job wasn't ideal, but I didn't want to freak him out by pulling away to find something to lubricate the situation, so I just tried not to chafe him too much.

His kissing was fervent now, completely devoid of the restraint that held him back the last time we were together like this. I felt the tension in his chest and shoulders where he pressed against me, but it didn't feel like what I was doing was wrong. It felt right to be with him, to touch him like this. I wanted to make him feel good.

When I thought he was into it enough that he wouldn't stop me, I blindly reached out for the lotion on my bedside table. I uncapped it and poured some into my hand, hoping he wouldn't mind the spicy scent. I went back to massaging his dick and I thought I heard him curse when I was able to slide against his skin effortlessly.

The lotion made a slick sound in the quiet room and I watched his face. His hand came down to cover mine, and I panicked, thinking he would pull away from me, but to my surprise, he gripped my hand in his and helped me jack him off.

I kept watching his face now that he was too lost to focus on kissing. His eyes were shut tightly and his jaw was clenched. His cheeks were red and his lips were swollen from our making out. I felt high on the look of rapture on his face as I continued to touch him.

He showed me how he liked it, and I kissed his lips, neck, and chest as I kept up the steady pace. His breath was coming in short pants now, and I waited for the moment when he would lose himself completely.

When he came, his eyes opened skyward as if he were seeing something incredible. His breath stopped in his lungs and his mouth dropped open in a silent shout. I felt the hot liquid of his release run down my hand, and I smiled almost shyly at him.

I wondered if he'd feel awkward or angry, but he just pulled me in with his clean hand and kissed me deeply.

I got up and went to wash my hands, and when I returned, I told him where the bathroom was. He went to clean up and I put my shirt back on, not bothering with my bra. I sat and waited for him on the bed.

When he returned, he sat down next to me without hesitation and kissed me on the forehead. "That was...awesome. I would return the favor, but I can see you're already dressed and that _was_ a pretty hard act to follow, so I guess I'll have to wait 'til next time," he said with a relaxed grin.

He looked so happy that I couldn't resist pulling him to me for another kiss. It was sweet and devoid of the tension that had taken over the room earlier. In this moment, I was happy, and I think he was too.

EPOV

I scooted back onto the bed so that I could hold Bella in my arms. She rested her head on my chest and I imagined what it would have been like if we'd met under different circumstances. So many of our early encounters were hard and mean, and though we both admitted to liking each other, I still felt moments where our individual natures would rise up and make things awkward between us.

I hadn't imagined that we would go as far as we had today when I came over, but I couldn't say I was disappointed. Yeah, I should have known better to climb onto the bed with Bella when I wanted her as much as I did, but we hadn't broken any of the promises I'd made to myself or God, so...

The truth of the matter was I started questioning myself the minute we laid down. I worried that I would hurt her feelings if I stopped again, or if I would curse myself later for what was sure to be a really bad case of blue balls if we stuck to just kissing.

I asked myself if people really abstained from _everything _before marriage, or if they fudged a little here and there. Though I wasn't a virgin, thanks to the awkward night in the back of my father's car during my teenage years, I was still hoping to maintain a level of purity for my future wife. I wanted her to know that I'd thought of her, even years before I'd met her. I wanted to be able to say that I tried my best to keep my heart, mind, and body pure for our love.

But that was before I met Bella. She made me question my beliefs, but not in a bad way. I wasn't about to give up everything I'd always believed in, but still...there were questions arising in my mind all the time now.

For instance, how much of what I believed really came from _me_, and how much came from my father? How many people did I know who hadn't waited for marriage, but who were still devout Christians with a pure heart and a hardy faith? Perhaps having sex before marriage didn't really have much to do with your relationship with God so much as a relationship with yourself.

So many of the teachings Christians are given come from a practical, common sense sort of place. I mean, obviously it is wrong to kill, steal, or cheat people. Of course it's not good to talk badly of another person or wrong your fellow human beings. So...could it be possible that having sex before we're married was borne of a cautionary measure that called for people simply not to have children out of wedlock? Because that would seem practical. Children born to a couple not ready for marriage might be more of a burden or a difficulty if they were unexpected. Maybe that was the biggest reason behind the teaching that we should wait for marriage.

But still...I didn't want to give up everything I'd worked for and believed in. I didn't want to rationalize a decision to have sex merely because I was too attracted to Bella to stay away from her. I wanted her, more than I'd ever wanted anybody, but it would still feel wrong unless...

Unless I loved her. If I loved her, if I _truly _loved her, then I knew that I could make love to her and it would never be sinful or wrong. My actions would come from love, much like the actions of prayer and worship. I would give myself to Bella the way I gave myself to God.

And yet, I knew I did not love her, at least not yet. I felt close, but I was still held back by our differences. I wanted to be with Bella, and I wanted to touch her and kiss her and that was good enough for now. I wouldn't make any hasty decisions or rush myself into something that couldn't be taken back if it turned out to be a mistake.

No...if I had sex with Bella, it wouldn't just be because my dick wanted her; it would be because I couldn't imagine life without her, because I needed her, because I loved her as much as I could love another person.

We watched a movie in her room, and I left after her dad called to say he was coming home. We weren't really ready for meeting the parents yet, and besides, I was looking a little bit too much like I'd rolled around in bed with his daughter to shake the man's hand.

I kissed her goodbye and held her close, swaying under the dim yellow glow of the porch light. Bella buried her face against my chest and I felt a little wavering sensation around my heart. I wanted to steel myself against it, but when she raised those big brown eyes to look up at me with such tender hope, I found I couldn't.

I was really getting closer to the point of no return.

When I got back to Rose and Emmett's, I was happy and relaxed. I hadn't felt this good in a long time, but I knew that had a lot to do with my "activities" with Bella earlier in the evening.

I walked into the living room to find Rose and Em cuddling on the couch watching television. They liked those medical and cop dramas, so they filled up their TiVo with stuff like Fringe and CSI and watched them whenever they both had the night off together. I didn't want to disturb them, so I just said hello and turned to leave when Rose remembered I had a message from a woman on the counter.

I went to grab the message and read the short note. Esme had called me earlier in the day, but I'd been at school. I wondered how she knew where to find me, but since Rose and Emmett still went to church on Sunday, it probably would have gotten back to her that I was staying with them since my fight with my father.

I hoped it wasn't too late to call her back, but luckily, she answered on the second ring. "Hello?"

"Hey Esme, it's Edward. You called?"

She released a big breath. "I wanted to talk to you about something. Can you meet me tomorrow for coffee, say around 10?"

I mentally looked through my schedule tomorrow and decided I could do it. "Yeah, where at?"

We made plans and I hung up the phone, wondering what she wanted to talk to me about. I hoped that it wouldn't be about my father, because the last thing I wanted to do was listen to Esme try and fix things between my father and me. I didn't want her to feel like she had to be in that position.

The next morning, I waited for Esme at a table in the middle of the small coffee shop close to campus. She blew through the door with sunglasses and a nervous smile. "Edward, can I get you something to drink?" she asked politely.

I nodded toward the cup of black coffee in front of me and gestured for her to sit down. "But I can get you something, if you'd like."

She thought for a moment and said, "Yes, thank you. I'd like a decaffeinated ice tea, if they have any, please."

I nodded and went to the counter to get her drink. When I returned, she took a nervous sip and pushed her sunglasses up onto her head. Her eyes looked wide and a little bit worried. "I'm sorry for calling you to come here today. You're probably wondering why I'm being so suspicious."

I smiled and laid a calming hand over hers. "Don't be sorry. You've been a lot of help to me in the past few months. I just wonder what you need."

She looked down at our hands and pulled hers out from under mine so that she could toy with the paper from the straw wrapper. "Goodness, I don't even know where to begin..." she said breathlessly, with worry tingeing her tone.

I sat back in my chair and decided to wait until she was ready. Finally, she took a deep breath and looked up at me with a helpless look on her face. "Edward, I'm pregnant. Your father and I...well, before we broke up, we...well, you don't want to know that, but it's your father's and I'm really amazed because I didn't think I could even have children, let alone this late in my life."

I felt like the air was knocked from my lungs. My dad was going to have another kid? "Does my father know?" I choked out.

She shook her head. "I haven't told anyone, except for you. My doctor knows, but that's it. I only told you because I'm worried about telling Carlisle. He was so miserable and angry the last time we spoke, and I don't know what to do about him or the situation. I know I'm going to have the baby, but I don't know anything beyond that. God, when I think about how difficult everything will be..." she trailed off helplessly, but I could detect the small measure of happiness in her eyes.

"I'll help you any way I can," I told her firmly, even though I was freaking out inside. I was going to be a big brother, and that fact alone blew my mind.

She wiped a couple tears from her cheeks and clutched my hand in hers. "You have no idea, Edward. No idea how much that means to me. Even if this baby can't have a loving father, I hope that you are at least willing to come around every now and then."

I nodded. "Um, so what are we gonna tell my dad?" I asked.

She laughed, but it wasn't a funny laugh. It was a nervous, scared laugh. "I have no idea."

**A/N: So this is a twist, but don't think this was made just for shocks. This has a purpose. Trust me. :)**


	22. Chapter 22

**A/N: Hah, ummm... *tugs collar of shirt* Sorry, guys. I didn't mean to go so long without updating. I'm sure most of you have probably bailed on this story by now, but just in case you're still interested, I'm gonna give a quick-n-dirty synopsis of where we're at and then it'll be on with the show, cool? **

**Okay, so Edward and Bella are "seeing" each other, Carlisle's still being a dick, but maybe not, we're not sure. Ambiguousness FTW. Um, and then Esme finds out she's carrying Carlisle's love child (Dear Lord, when did I become the writer for General Hospital?) and she's only told Edward. They're now trying to figure out what to tell Carlisle, if at all. Also, Edward is still struggling with his faith and his relationship with his father and God, while Bella is learning how to have an open mind and also how to be considerate of Edward's boundaries. Got it? Okay, let's go!**

**Oh wait, one more thing: my beta is on hiatus while she finishes nursing school, so it's just lil ol' me so please excuse any mistakes because I was too lazy to edit. Sorry:)**

BPOV

My room was totally quiet except for the sound of kissing and rustling clothes against the bedspread. The music had cut off about fifteen minutes ago, not that either of them noticed.

I broke away from the kiss and said, "You don't have to do that, y'know."

Edward looked down at her and raised his eyebrow as if unconvinced. "I don't?"

I shook her head. "I don't want you to like...do anything you're not comfortable doing," I said awkwardly. There was definitely a blush burning across my face. I could feel it rising like one of those cartoon-like thermometers or something. Considering the fact that I wasn't wearing a shirt, he could probably see the red rising from my chest and up my neck to spread across my face. _I am such a hopeless nerd. _

He smiled and lowered his head to keep kissing me. His left hand continued down the path from my stomach to the top of my jeans. I warred with my conscience as I tried to beat back the hormones screaming "YES! YES! YES! SWEET BABY JESUS YESSSSSSSSS!" I wasn't sure that Edward should be fooling around like this, especially while he was in the moment and...

"You're thinking really hard about this, aren't you?" he asked with a crooked smile.

I huffed. "You're like, this fucking hot ass guy with a big chastity belt and you're on my bed and you're kissing me and _fuck_, I just wanna let you do this, I mean, you have no idea, but what if God totally smites me or something for leading you astray and then your friends will call me a Jezebel..."

Edward was openly laughing at me now. My freak out hadn't halted his roaming hand at all. Through my panic and lust I could feel his rough fingertips dipping below the top of my jeans. I sucked in my stomach unconsciously and the randy hand read that as a green light.

"I think maybe I need to clarify the situation here," he said with a grin. "First things first: I'm pretty sure that sentence was seriously lacking in proper punctuation." I scowled and socked him on the shoulder. "Second: I don't see this 'big chastity belt' you speak of. I'm beginning to think you believe I'm less experienced than I actually am," he said as he dropped a kiss on the tip of my nose.

My eyes widened and I bit my lip. "But I thought...uh..."

His hand was brushing the hem of my underwear now, and my stomach was clenching in anticipation, along with the rest of my body. His mouth was on mine again, and it was warm and wet and _so good _that I momentarily lost the thread of our conversation. When he pulled his hand back from beneath my jeans, I remembered what was going on and pushed against his shoulders. "Hey, just wait a sec!"

Edward sighed and gave me a little bit of space. "Don't tell me you don't want this, Bella."

That shut me up.

He grinned and bent his head to kiss my neck just under my ear. "Shh, just let me show you," he whispered. His breath sent a shiver up my spine as his hand began retracing its path down across my stomach.

I decided to let it go. His lips were soft and seductive on mine, and it drove me crazy as he popped the button on my jeans and slid the zipper down. I held my breath as I felt his hand skim along the sensitive skin just above my underwear. I tried to prepare myself for the very likely possibility that he wouldn't be very good at this, but it had been so long since I'd been with anyone else and I wanted him so much that I didn't even care at this point. I'd probably get off just from the visual of his hand disappearing down my pants, for crying out loud.

My eyes drifted closed as his lips moved down to skim my neck and collarbone. His hand met no resistance as it dipped below my underwear. I swallowed hard as his fingers inched closer and closer to where I desperately wanted them most.

"Mmm...smooth," he murmured as he nipped at my collarbone. I bit my lip to keep from moaning just in case the sound reminded him that he was a good boy and I was a naughty girl and he shouldn't have his hands in my pants. _I'm so going to hell for wanting to jump his bones right now..._

His _fingers_ and the _oh_...!

His fingers found my clit like they were magnetized to each other. The inkling that maybe he'd done this sort of thing before started to seep through as he began to rub small circles around and around and around...I had to pry my eyes open to see his arm connected to the hand working magic beneath denim and cotton/poly blend to really believe that yes, this was Edward Tony fuckin' Masen Cullen rocking my world.

I experienced a moment of pure _SQUEE! _before I got my shit together and focused again on the tongue circling around behind my ear and the fingers that were moving lower until they found the motherland. He slid two fingers inside me and I was so wet that I was kind of embarrassed, but he didn't make a Mr. Yuck face or anything, so I assumed we were good to go.

The heel of his hand was rubbing against my clit now and his fingers felt so inside me that I couldn't help but move my hips and whimper a bit. He stopped kissing me just long enough to smile down at me and I could swear under oath that I'd never seen anything hotter than his face in that moment. His expression was a mixture of lust/pride/smugness and as he was getting me closer and closer to the release I really needed, I was all too willing to take his hand, cast in in bronze, and make a freaking trophy out of it for him.

If I'd had the brain power, I would have laughed at myself for being such a clueless dumb ass. Just because Edward didn't do the dirty didn't mean he couldn't do _other _stuff, evidently. He was working this hand job like an expert and I was starting to wonder if he could really make me come that fast...

_Yup._

I felt like a flushed, sweaty mess as he kissed my mouth softly before his hand left the pants party. He laid a sweet kiss on my cheek and I huffed and puffed and rolled over with an outraged look on my face. "_You! _You're like some freaking Don Juan of the vagina and I had no freaking clue, and _what are you laughing about?_"

Edward buried his face in my neck and I felt his amused sigh against my hot skin. "Your face! You just came and you're already accusing me of misleading you. Such typical behavior," he said.

"I kind of feel like an idiot right now, is all," I mumbled.

He nuzzled behind my ear before he pulled away and grinned down at me. "I like you like this."

"Like what?" I asked, brow furrowed.

He brushed a kiss across my lips before he answered. "Like this...you're comfortable. You're a little bit silly."

I closed my eyes and breathed deeply. "I guess I'm just able to myself around you now. I was such a bitch to you in the beginning. I should be surprised you're here at all."

"I'm not, but that's besides the point. Why do you think you were a bitch?" he asked curiously.

I cracked one eye open. "Are you serious? Do you not recall all the shit that went down?"

One corner of his mouth lifted but it wasn't a full smile. "Of course I do, but I'm just curious to hear your side of things. I feel like if we're going to be together, we might as well clear the air. We've been so careful around each other, like we're walking on egg shells. I don't know about you, but I'm ready to put all that past us now."

I nodded. "Me too," I said. I looked up at his open, honest face and wished that I could go back in time and kick my own ass before I behaved the way I did back then. I knew I had my reasons at the time, but in retrospect it was easy to see how I could have dealt with the situation differently. I took a deep breath and plunged right in. "I think the biggest part of why I was so mean is because I was kind of hurt and disappointed that the guy in my poli sci class that I'd sworn to loathe forever and the guy from my favorite band of all time were one and the same. It just kind of freaked me out and I felt like such an idiot when Jake introduced us at the festival. I guess my first reaction when I'm feeling like that is to strike out at the person who made me feel that way. And then...well, the more I got to know you, the more I wanted to...well, to just..." I made a frustrated sound, afraid to lay it all on the line here.

"Me too," he murmured.

That gave me the bravado to finish. "Well, I mean, you know my opinions and my beliefs, political and otherwise. I was completely blindsided by this _stupid _crush I suddenly had on a guy who was at the opposite end of the spectrum, y'know?"

The corner of his mouth twitched again. "I know, but you know by now that I'm not _all _the way at the other end," he said.

I rolled my eyes. "I know, but I didn't really get it then. The more I liked you, the more confused I got. I just couldn't figure out which side of you was the real one, and after getting to know you better, I could tell that you couldn't either. Eventually, it was like it didn't matter to me because I liked both sides of you for different reasons," I explained.

To Edward's credit, he was definitely a really good listener and he waited patiently for me to finish talking before he launched into more questions. "Does it still bother you that I'm a Christian?"

I wanted to really consider this before I spoke. The answer to this could make or break the fragile peace between us, and I definitely didn't want that. "I guess it does and it doesn't, but I know that doesn't really make much sense. Just hear me out. The part of me that is still bothered is reacting in a negative way based on the previous experiences I've had with a number of religious people. But you know what? It doesn't bother me that _you _are a Christian, because you're not the kind of person who pushes it on other people. You respect their differences and allow room for them to be themselves. I have so much respect for _you _because of that. I also recognize the desire to feel a connection to something bigger than myself, perhaps something that makes me feel like things happen for a reason, or that everything will be okay even though I feel like it's not ever gonna be okay ever again. What I'm trying to say is, sometimes I may react badly but it's only because I'm out of my element with you. Most of my friends are agnostic or atheist. But really...I just, I get it. I get why you believe in the things you do."

Edward sat up next to me on the bed and stayed quiet for a time. He was probably processing my long-winded rambling, trying to figure out what the hell I'd just said. When he finally spoke, his voice was soft and calm. "Thank you for that. I totally understand how you feel. It's not easy being out of your element, and I get why you'd be skeptical about religion when there are so many people out there who give it a bad name."

I sat up and reached for his hand. "You're really good at this clearing-the-air thing," I said with an amused quirk of my eyebrow. He smiled back at me and I searched his face before I asked a question of my own. "I know we've already kind of talked about this, but...why did you feel like you had to be two different people?"

He frowned and his hand tightened in mine. I was about to retract my question but he started answering it before I could. "Well, I think I've told you a bit about my father. Ever since my mom died, he's been really messed up. He just kind of got stuck at being angry about losing her. I was at school when it happened, and as you know, I was already doing the music thing and the vegan thing. I was well on my way to figuring out who I wanted to be when my mom got sick. It took a lot out of all of us, and I wanted to be home to spend that time with her. Before she died...well, she basically told me that I needed to help my father and I took that to me that I should keep him happy. So after she died, and he started to get angry, I tried to do whatever I could to keep us together. He was the only family I had left. I thought it would just be better that way, if I could be the person he wanted me to be. I just couldn't make him happy though. I tried to give up my band because he thought they were a bad influence on me, but I just couldn't do it. It's too much a part of me now. I just kind of dropped off the radar so that I could try and keep my dad happy while still making music. It got so messed up that I couldn't really tell who I really was anymore."

I looked him in the eye and tried to really put myself in his shoes. "That must have been terrible," I said. I really felt like I could see inside him in this moment.

"It was," he acknowledged. "But...after everything that's happened, I had to finally realize that there's really nothing I can do to please him. I could give up everything I love and that still wouldn't be enough, because...it's not."

"What do you mean?" I asked, shocked that he would think to blame himself for not doing more for his father.

He shook his head. "I don't really know. I mean, I feel like I just had to get away from him and find myself again, but I also feel like I failed my mother. Maybe if I'd just done things differently, we wouldn't be torn apart like this. Maybe if I'd dragged him to therapy, or just _anything _other than what I did-"

"Shut it," interrupted him. My tone was harsher than I'd intended, but I was angry on his behalf. His eyes widened and I let out a frustrated sigh. "You aren't to blame for your father's bullshit. You did everything you could to honor your mom's wishes, but in the end, what did he do? _He's _the one to blame here, not you. He was the adult, and he should have kept it together to be there for you. Trying to turn you into someone you're not is a pretty crappy way of dealing with what happened," I ranted.

He looked down at our entwined hands. "It's not always that easy. I just wish...I just wish that I could help him, I guess," he admitted quietly.

I didn't know what else to say, so we just sat there for a time holding hands in a quiet that felt intensely intimate.

A couple weeks later, Leah and I pulled up in front of El Corazon in Seattle and found a place to park. There was already a line at the door, so we headed for the end and I sent a text to Edward so he knew we were there.

A few minutes later, I spotted him coming out around the back entrance where the bands unloaded their equipment. As he walked down the line, I watched people call out to him to get his attention. He looked down the line and saw me, and I sent a wave and a smile. He was held up by a couple of girls who looked like they were still in high school, but he winked and smiled at me over their heads. I felt tingles shoot up my spine.

I nudged Leah and pointed to Edward, and we both watched as the girls flirted shamelessly with him. I couldn't blame them, because he looked seriously hot tonight. His black military cap hid most of his coppery hair and cast a shadow over his face that made him look vaguely mysterious and serious. He wore his typical black Dickies shorts and his black Evergreen Terrace t-shirt fit him in a way that did interesting things to the situation in my pants, and I watched as his tattooed arms moved gracefully as he spoke to the girls. His lean legs were kind of adorable.

Leah snorted and pulled on my ear. "You're such a girl," she griped with a disgusted eye roll.

"Hey!" I protested and scowled at her. "You look at him and tell me he's not freaking tasty, 'cuz you _know _he is!"

She snorted again and this time her face was amused. "You've got it so fucking bad," she said with a shake of her head.

I was about to snark back at her when I felt someone grab my hand. I looked up and Edward grinned down at me. "Sorry about that," he said. "C'mon, you guys don't have to wait in this line. You're on the list." He tugged me along behind him and Leah followed me.

We went around the back and I felt a little thrill because I was getting a behind-the-scenes look at the venue I'd been coming to for years. It wasn't all that amazing, but being with Edward made me feel like it was pretty damn spectacular.

A guy who looked like he ate nails and the flesh of people smaller than him for breakfast stood next to the door leading to the stage. When he saw Edward, he grinned. "Hey Tony! Are these ladies on the list?" I was shocked at the friendly voice coming from such a scary looking guy, but Edward seemed to take it all in stride.

"Hey Rick. Yes they are. This is my girlfriend Bella and her friend Leah," he said as he squeezed my hand in his.

_Girlfriend, huh? I guess I could roll with that. _

Yeah, who was I kidding with that nonchalant bullshit? I was practically jumping up and down on the inside!

Rick smiled at us and marked our names off the list. Leah caught my eye and raised an eyebrow at me, but I just shrugged and gave her a goofy grin. I was freaking stoked out of my mind at the moment, and I didn't want her raining on my parade.

After we got our wristbands for the show, Edward took us out to the main floor and we sat down in one of the booths at the back. The interior of the club was dim and a bit musty with the scent of dried sweat and greasy food.

I loved this place.

"I have to go help the guys, but I'll find you after our set, okay?" His grin was enough to make me lose my train of thought, but I soldiered on and nodded mutely. He pressed a kiss to the top of my head and squeezed my hand one last time before disappearing toward the back somewhere.

Leah waited until I turned back to her before she leveled me with her best you've-got-some-explaining-to-do look that she usually reserved for Ezra. I huffed and crossed my arms across my chest defensively. "So what?" I grumbled, even though she hadn't spoken out loud.

She softened and elbowed me in the side. "Well, I guess I shouldn't be surprised," she admitted.

My shoulders lost some tension as I smiled at her. "I dunno about you, but I was plenty surprised that he called me his girlfriend in front of that terrifying dude," I replied.

She laughed and hugged me. "I think you'll be okay. I saw the way he looked at you, and I think I can approve. He's got it bad," she said.

I blushed and looked down at my shaky hands. "I hope so, 'cuz I do too. I didn't think I would, but I do. He's just so..._gah_! I can't even explain it, but he's seriously just so awesome."

Her eyebrows raised in amusement. "I guess that means you've gotten past that whole hating-his-guts thing, huh?"

I hissed and socked her leg. "Shut up!"

She laughed and we settled in to wait for the show to start.

"This next song is a cover of a Thrice song called 'In Years to Come.' It's been stuck in my head lately, and it just seemed...appropriate. So here we go!" Tony (because it was hard to think of him as Edward in this setting) said before he nodded to the guys to start the music.

I was right up front, pressed against the stage as the crowd went nuts. I was a bit frozen. I knew this song. I knew it because it was not only my favorite Thrice song, but also because I'd always loved the intensity and desperation of the words.

The intro wasn't very long. I watched Tony move across the stage before he returned to the mic and started singing. When he got to the middle of the song, my breath froze in my lungs. He took the microphone out of the stand and his eyes met mine as he went into the next verse.

_"Yeah it's a different kind of love,_

_I want to climb barbed wire fences_

_and warm our hands in blood._

_And this is my gift,_

_asking you to fix_

_my ruined hands._

_and it's a gift that keeps on giving,_

_right now it's all I have to give."_

He was telling me something, and my heart ached for him as I began to understand. He moved away from me and stood up on the edge over the writhing bodies pressed against the stage. He bent down low so one of the kids could sing a couple lines into the mic before he moved to the other side.

When he moved back in front of me, it was the last verse of the song. I wondered if he would sing this part to me, and I had my answer when he crouched down right in front of me and growled the words.

_"I want to write the perfect song,_

_and play it just for you_

_while you are tangled up in sleep._

_I need you more than I'll ever know_

_until I stop breathing_

_my lungs will take you for granted."_

On the last two lines, his eyes clenched shut and he finished the song with a look of almost _pain _on his face. He quickly stood without looking back at me as the last notes faded.

"This next song's called 'Terror Alert,'" he announced as they launched into the next song.

My heart was in my throat and my eyes felt like saucers, but he didn't look back down at me until the end of their set.

EPOV

Immediately after I sang the Thrice song, I wondered if I'd made a mistake. I hadn't really realized how intense it would be to share it with her, knowing that she would read into any number of things that we had yet to even talk about.

In the days following our talk at her house, it was like things sped up right before my eyes. We were together more often than not, and any bad feelings were kept in the past. Emmett and Rosalie were just as comfortable having Bella at their house as they were having me there, and Jasper often came over to hang out with all of us.

Alice was still skeptical, but she seemed to relax inch by inch as Bella quickly became part of our little group. Rosalie helped things along by inviting Alice and Bella over for a day of doing...whatever it is the chicks did while we practiced out in the garage, and by the time we returned, Alice wasn't wearing her permanent scowl anymore.

Though Alice and Bella relaxed, they still had yet to warm up to each other. It wasn't tense or bitchy, but they both seemed to put their guard up whenever they were in a room together. Everyone kind of worked around it, though, so it wasn't a huge issue.

Bella's friends were an easygoing bunch once I started hanging out at Jake and Leah's. I figure it was probably easier for me because I'd already known Jake and Seth was in the band, so I was pretty comfortable hanging out with them right off the bat.

Still, regardless of how comfortable we were with one another, we hadn't really talked about how fast everything was happening. It was quick and intense, and it moved way quicker than any relationship I'd ever had before. Part of me was uncomfortable with that, especially because I still worried that some of our beliefs would clash in the long run, but the rest of me was embracing our relationship with open arms.

I had to push aside the feelings of loneliness and desperation when she wasn't around. I steadfastly ignored the inkling that maybe, just _maybe_, I was allowing things to move so fast because I was desperately in need of holding on to the people who cared about me. Thoughts like that didn't really help and they just served to make me depressed that my father had yet to call.

After our set, we loaded everything back into the van before I returned to find Bella standing outside with her hands shoved into the pockets of her black hoodie. I was afraid to look her in the eye. I felt exposed and vulnerable, afraid that she would reject me for moving too fast.

"Hey," she said softly as I walked up to her.

"Hey," I mumbled back.

She took her hand out of her pocket and reached for mine. I finally looked at her and I saw the mixture of concern and affection on her face. "Are you okay?" she asked.

I examined her face for any hints of rejection before I nodded. "Yeah, I just wasn't sure how you'd react to the song," I said honestly.

A tiny smile appeared on her face, but her big brown eyes still looked worried. "It was...awesome. But are you _sure _you're okay?"

I sighed and reached up to push the brim of my hat back so I could rub against my forehead. I was getting a nasty headache. "Yeah, I'm sure. I kinda feel like an idiot, though."

Her mouth opened and closed as if she wanted to say something, but she wasn't sure. Finally, she just pulled me forward and went up on her toes to kiss me softly. She kept her face close to mine as she looked up into my eyes. "I thought it was beautiful. I've always loved that song, and I love that you sang it for me. Don't feel like an idiot, because you're not." She paused for a moment and her eyes dropped down to my mouth. "If anything, you're kind of driving me freaking insane right now. I'm having a hard time not jumping your bones," she said.

I smiled and wrapped my arms around her waist to pull her closer. "What did you have in mind?" I asked before I bent to kiss up the side of her neck. She shivered in my arms and I smiled against her skin.

"Uhh...mmm...what was the question?" she asked in a breathy voice.

I was about to remind her when my phone vibrated in my pocket. I shot her a look of apology before I pulled it out and looked at the display to see who it was.

"Who is it?" Bella asked curiously.

I shook my head briefly. "I've got to take this," I said before I walked away to answer the call.


	23. The Night I Lost the Will to Fight

**A/N: First, I would like to thank everyone who stuck with this story and I especially want to thank everyone who wrote such glowing reviews of the last chapter. I'm so happy to hear from all of you! Bet ya didn't think you'd get another update so soon, huh? :)**

**Secondly, I have two auctions available for the Fandom Gives Back. Details are in my profile. I'm offering one specifically for All Work and No Play, so if you read that story too, you should check it out. I'm pretty cheap;)**

_**On to a serious matter: this chapter comes with a disclaimer. There is content within that might be disturbing to some readers due to the emotional nature of the chapter. I can't really say it without giving it away, but rest assured that you will know what's going on with enough time to stop reading if you need to. **_

**That being said, if you plan to read, I've put together a playlist for this chapter because I have carefully chosen songs that I believe complement the content. If you would like to listen to it, please go here: http:/8tracks (dot) com/herinfiniteeyes/herinfiniteeyes-delusions-of-grandeur-mix-1**

**(I'll put the link in my profile just in case the URL gets jumbled when I post.)**

**On to the chapter! Brace yourselves. **

EPOV

_"Edward? It's Esme."_

_"What's wrong?" _

_"I'm not sure yet. I'm...I called an ambulance to come take me to the hospital. Something's wrong with the baby. I...I'm...I...I'm sorry, but I didn't know who else to call and you're the only one who knows and I'm just really scared..."_

_"I'm in Seattle but I'm leaving now. I'll be there as soon as I can."_

Bella was still standing a few feet away from me with a worried look on her face. I had to resist the urge to take off as fast as possible because she deserved an explanation, even if it wasn't the entire truth.

It wasn't my secret to tell anyway.

I walked back to her and she reached her arms out to hug me. I felt like a dick for doing it, but I gripped her forearms firmly before she could get them around me. Her face registered first confusion and then hurt, but I just couldn't stand to be touched right now. I was going crazy inside. "I'm sorry, but I have to go. It's a family emergency. I know I said I'd give you a ride home, but-"

She cut me off. "It's okay, I get it. Leah's still here so I can go back with her. Just...will you call me later? So I know you're okay?"

Her eyes were so sad. I felt the mantle of her concern settle around my shoulders like lead. "Sure," I said, not sure if I'd be okay later or not. She didn't need to hear that, though, so I just squeezed her forearms gently before I let them go to lean in and kiss her forehead. "I'm sorry," I said simply before I turned and ran to find Emmett.

I found him around back with Jasper and some guys from another band. He was leaning against the hood of his car but he stood up straight when he saw me. My face must have given me away. "Dude, what's wrong?" he asked with a furrowed brow.

I stopped and panted a little before I could speak. "I've got to get back. It's an emergency."

Jasper stood up from the milk crate he'd been sitting on and gave a look to the other guys that had them tactfully disappearing. Jasper was good like that. "At least one of us has to stay until they do the payouts," he reminded me. Then he added, "The van can't do more than 55."

I bit off the curse that threatened to come out. Jasper, Seth, and I had come in the van with our equipment. Emmett had to drive separately because he got off work too late to ride with us. I shot him a pleading look and his face settled into a serious expression. "Right. Well I'm driving you back. I won't let you break the van or kill yourself driving like a maniac," he said as he walked around to the driver side door and popped the locks so I could jump in the passenger seat.

"Thanks, man," I said as he backed out of his spot and drove onto the main road.

It took under three hours to get back, which shouldn't have surprised me because Emmett could drive like a badass when he really wanted to. I wasn't in the mood for talking, and he respected that, so there was very little in the way of communication until we reached Forks. "I need to get my car," I said.

He nodded and we headed back to his house. It was fortunate that's where my car was parked since it allowed him to get home at the same time. When we got to his house, he stopped out front so I could jump out, but before I did he clapped me on the shoulder. "I don't know what's going on, but you call me if you need me, got it?" Though his words were kind, his tone held a warning that said he wouldn't take no for an answer.

"Got it," I said before I flung the door open and slammed it shut. He winced but I'd have to apologize later. "Thanks man!" I called as I climbed into my car to start it up.

I didn't even give it time to warm up before I was racing off toward the hospital.

I got there at about 2 am, and I knew it was well past visiting hours, but I wouldn't be denied. When the nurse tried to argue with me, I stood up as straight as possible and shot her my best I'm-doing-this-so-you-can-fuck-off look. "Look ma'am, I'm the only person she has. I _have _to see her. If you have a problem with that, you can call my father," I said forcefully. I hated pulling the dad card, but I'd do anything I could to be there for Esme.

She was counting on me.

The nurse looked confused. "Who's your father?"

"Doctor Carlisle Cullen," I said.

She visibly blanched as she tried to figure out her way around this delicate situation. "Well, I'll probably get in a lot of trouble for this, but I'll let you back for a little while," she said finally.

I almost reached out to kiss her but I controlled the urge as she pressed the button to unlock the door leading to the rooms. I raced down the hall until I found room 201 and pulled up short to look through the small window. I couldn't see anything, however, because there was a curtain in the way. I braced myself for the worst before I reached for the door and opened it hesitantly.

I peeked around the curtain and saw Esme staring blankly at the wall opposite her hospital bed. I turned to look at the uninspiring nature scene framed right above the blood pressure cuffs. "Esme?" I said softly.

She didn't jerk in surprise as she probably would have if she'd been zoning out. Rather, she turned toward me slowly as if the air was made of sand. Her eyes were large and glassy, and my heart clenched and stuttered at the sight. "Edward?" she asked, her voice high and weak with exhaustion.

I took in the IV drip going into the back of her hand and the sallow look of her skin. The hospital gown seemed to hang off her body dejectedly. The room spelled like cleaner and Purell hand sanitizer.

The smell of Purell would forever remind me of my mother's stay in the hospital before she was released into hospice at our house. I recalled now why I hated hospitals so much, but I had to shake that off to be here for Esme. "What happened?" I asked, even though I was afraid the news wouldn't be good.

Her mouth worked as if she had words but she didn't know how to say them. A cold stone of dread landed in my stomach. Finally, she closed her eyes and looked down at her lap. " I lost the baby. I miscarried. I..I was..." she floundered for something to say, but eventually gave up.

I stood still as my mind raced to come up with something to say. I couldn't think of a damn thing. This woman who was so wonderful, so full of light and love to spare, had just had the one thing she'd ever wished for taken from her. What _could _I say? It didn't really matter.

So I gave up on trying to find something to say and just dropped down in the chair closest to her bed. She went back to staring vacantly at the wall. We sat together like that for about ten minutes before I heard her whisper, "I'm sorry that I called you. I shouldn't have. This isn't...your problem. I dragged you into this and I'm sorry."

Her hands were clenched into fists around the bumpy fabric of the thin blanket covering her. I reached a hand out and covered them with my own. Her skin was as cold and clammy as it appeared. I pried one of her hands off the blanket and wrapped it in my own, hoping she could absorb some of my warmth. "I'm _glad_ you called me, Esme. I'll be here for you, whatever you need."

She didn't relax completely, but her shoulders lost some of the tension. I held her cold, trembling hand in mine and thought about everything she'd done for me. I realized suddenly that I loved her. Not like I loved Bella-_um, what?_-but how I loved my family.

How I loved my mother.

Esme wasn't my mother, of course, and she could never take her place. But when I really thought about it, it seemed right. I had the sense that my mother had brought Esme into my life, and even if she never got back together with my father, I still considered her my second mom.

"Can I get you anything?" I asked gently.

She shook her head slightly. "Did you...tell your father?" she asked meekly.

My muscles tensed. "Do you still want me to?" I asked.

She looked down at my hand around hers and I felt a tiny spasm shoot up her arm. "I don't know. I guess it might have been easier to have him here during the...well, anyway." The thought of her going through that all alone made my heart ache so much that I almost reached up to rub my chest. She shouldn't have been alone, but there was nothing to do about that now.

Esme withdrew her hand from mine and slumped back against the bed. She looked completely exhausted. I took the hint and swiftly stood up. "Get some sleep. I'll come back tomorrow, okay?" She nodded and I leaned down to kiss her clammy cheek.

The corners of her mouth quirked upward as her eyes drifted closed. "I bet...my...baby...would have been as sweet as you," she said with great difficulty before her face slackened into sleep.

My stomach twisted as I thought of all she'd lost and a new sense of determination steeled my spine as I left her room to go back out to the waiting area. I pulled out my cell phone and turned it on to see several calls and texts from everyone wondering what was going on, but I couldn't call anyone back. There was only one person I needed to talk to right now.

"Dad. You'd better get your ass down to the hospital. _Now_." I flipped my phone shut and went to sit in one of the uncomfortable chairs to wait for my father.

He arrived about twenty minutes later with his coat flapping behind him and his pajamas on display for anyone who cared to look. His hair was sticking up on one side and he had red creases pressed into his left cheek, obviously from a wrinkled pillowcase. It was the most disheveled I'd seen him in years.

When he spotted me, I saw his eyes were frantic. I stood up and watched him race towards me. "Edward? Edward! What's wrong? Are you okay? Is anyone hurt?"

I was a bit taken aback by the blatant concern he was displaying for me after all the bad blood between us, but my anger pushed everything else aside. "Nice of you to care about me _now_," I snapped as I crossed my arms defensively across my chest.

He looked confused for a moment before his face fell and he backed away. "You're still my son. I'll _always_ be worried about you, even if-"

"Save it," I snapped again. "We've got some bigger things to deal with right now."

I watched him nod and looked around at the empty waiting room to avoid meeting his eyes. Off in a corner tucked behind the nurse's desk was a door with the words "Privacy Room" printed on it. He walked around behind the desk with an air of confidence that said he'd used the room many times before. He opened the door and gestured for me to follow him.

Once he closed the door behind me, I started to shake with anger. I wanted to _explode_. He still looked so calm and confused that I just wanted to hit him for being such a dickheaded moron. "Do you know why we're here?" I asked rhetorically.

He answered anyway. "No, I-"

"Shut up," I said, cutting him off. "That wasn't really a question. I'll tell you why we're here: Esme. Esme's here."

His eyes flared in recognition but the confusion came back quickly. "But why is she here?" he asked, sounding completely lost.

I crossed my arms again and widened my stance a bit to show him I wasn't about to go easy on him. "She's here because she had a miscarriage." There. The words were out. I could almost see them hanging in the room between us like a funeral shroud.

His face went red and then completely white. He looked like a ghost. His body fell back onto the couch behind him as he visibly struggled to find something to say. Apparently "_What?_" was the best he could do, because that's all that came out.

One strangled question asking for clarification that I both hated to give because it meant Esme was hurting, but that I also felt a despicable, dark, twisted sort of satisfaction in revealing to my father. He needed to know exactly how much his behavior had destroyed the people around him, and it was a much-needed wake up call. "Esme was pregnant. _You _were the father."

His skin looked almost waxy with shock. "But...why didn't she _tell _me?" he finally asked helplessly.

I looked down at him with a face devoid of expression. I wouldn't give him anything he didn't earn from now on. "She didn't want you to know until she was sure you could be a good father," I said.

I watched as he seemed to crumple in on himself. He was bent at the waist, his face pressed against his knees as his hands came up to cover the sides of his head. I heard a tortured sound somewhere between a keening wail and a moan. "I should have known. I should have-" his voice broke and he had to stop speaking.

He looked so pitiful that I wanted to reach out to him, but I didn't. He had too much to fix before I'd give him anymore of myself. "What you _should _have done is get your shit together after Mom died instead of turning into such a distant asshole!" I shouted raggedly.

My father looked up at me with wet red eyes and I felt my hands clench into fists at my sides. He didn't have anything to say? Well _fine_, I'd do the talking. "You didn't even _try _after she died. You just gave up and left me hanging. I fucking _needed _you and you weren't there!"

His eyes closed, but not before I saw his shame. "That's right, close your eyes! You stopped looking at me three years ago and you haven't opened your eyes ever since! You don't give a shit about who I am now unless it fits into some stuck up idea of what I _should _be like. You just think I'll do whatever you say, and I really tried. I _tried _to make you happy so we could be a family again. You're all I fucking have, but you can't...you don't..._YOU'RE NEVER FUCKING THERE!"_

His shoulders were shaking. His body was wracked with silent sobs. I felt moisture on my own face, but I couldn't stop now. I needed to get this out. I needed to know _why_. "Why couldn't you just love me like you used to? Why'd you stop?" I sounded like a small child now, but I refused to care. _This _was what I needed to know; this was the question that burned in my gut every time he looked through me and failed to see how much I was grieving, too.

I was halfway to the door when he tried to answer. "Edward, I...I...I'm getting help, I swear. I _do _love you. You're my _son_!"

I looked back at him over my shoulder before walking to the door. I opened it and looked back at him crumpled on the couch. I snorted harshly and felt the fire in my gut expand and burn a trail up the back of my throat. The anger couldn't be stopped now. "Some _father_," I said as I shut the door behind me.

I drove aimlessly, not entirely sure where I was going until I ended up in Bella's driveway. I didn't see her father's truck, but hers was parked under the big tree so I knew she was home. It was almost 3 am now, but I felt like nails were hammering into every inch of my flesh and the only thing I could think about was her. How much I needed her.

Her voice was sleepy and surprised when she answered my phone call. "Edward? Are you okay?" she asked.

I clenched my eyes shut and swallowed convulsively. "Can I come in?" I asked. I almost choked on the words, but it was worth it when she gasped and I heard rustling in the background.

"You're here?" she asked with surprise.

"Yeah," I replied hollowly. "I just wanted to see you."

I saw the curtain twitch before she flung the front door open. She was wearing a small tank top and even smaller shorts. Her hair was sticking up and her face was puffy with sleep, but the warm yellow glow from the porch light framed her perfectly in the doorway and all I could think about was how much I wanted to be inside that warmth with her.

"Edward, come here," she said softly before she hung up. I closed my phone and left it in my car as I shut the engine off and climbed out to walk up to the porch.

Her eyes were wide and dark as she looked at me. "Are you okay?" she asked again.

I didn't have any answers to that, so I just reached out and pulled her into my arms. I clung to her desperately, needing her comfort more than I needed to breathe. She hugged me back with her arms around my shoulders. Her hands were buried in the hair at the nape of my neck and her face was pressed into my neck. She smelled like cotton bedsheets and lingering stale smoke from the club. Her back was smooth and bare below the hem of the tank top. I clutched her to me, probably too hard, but I couldn't help myself.

She made an effort to pull away, but I only let her get so far before I bent down and captured her mouth in a rough kiss. She didn't hesitate; she was up on her toes and wrapping her arms around my neck as she leaned into the kiss. It was desperate, hot, and hard. I bit her lip and she flinched, but she didn't stop me. My fingers dug into her smooth hips as I lifted her off the ground enough so that I could take her back inside. "Is your dad here?" I asked against her mouth before I slipped my tongue inside her mouth and lifted her even higher so she was pressed against me everywhere.

When she pulled away to answer, I trailed biting kisses down her jaw and neck. "He's-he went fishing with-Edward, what's going on?" she asked weakly as I sucked harshly on the spot where her neck met her shoulder. Again I didn't answer her. I had nothing worth saying. Everything I wanted to say could be said through this.

This touch. This grip. This desperate need clawing its way out of my chest and shouting a primal need to possess the softness, the beauty, the _wholeness_ in my arms. She was human, but she was an angel. She was light and warmth and it didn't matter where or how she came to be in my arms, but she was here and I needed her too much to stop.

I tried to make it to the stairs before I had to stop and press her against the wall so I could kiss her again. She didn't try to get anymore answers out of me, and I was grateful. I just needed to _be _right now. I didn't want any words coming between us. My tongue sought hers and I brought my hand up to her jaw, angling it upward so I could have better access to her mouth. My hand was almost wrapped around her neck, but I wasn't squeezing and I knew she could breathe. It was just as satisfying to know she was there against the wall, trapped and open for me to take what I needed.

Her hips arched against mine and I growled into the dark recesses of her mouth before grinding back against her. I'd never been like this before, and I knew it should scare me, but it didn't. Whatever was driving me went beyond all logic or civility. It was primal. Fucking _primal. _

I released her neck to reach for her hands. She tangled her fingers in mine and I knew she was right there with me, wherever we were going. I knew we were together in this. I raised our hands and pressed them against the wall to frame her head. She moaned into my mouth and I felt a shaft of possessive pride shoot up my spine before I released her hands to pick up one leg and then the other to wrap them around my waist. Once she had a good grip on my shoulders I turned away from the wall and carried her up the stairs to her bedroom.

It was dark, but I wanted it that way. I didn't know her room enough to walk blindly, but there was just enough moonlight coming through the window to show me where to go. When I got to her bed, I bent to lie down with her beneath me. She didn't take her legs off my waist and I didn't want her to. I moved against her, needing the feeling of her fragile body beneath mine. I felt like something inhuman, something too dark to be here with her, but I couldn't imagine being anywhere else.

She was pulling my shirt off and I was pushing her tank top up and then our chests were pressed together and I could feel her heart thrumming like a hummingbird against mine. I bit the skin below her ear as I fumbled to tear her shorts off. Her hands went to my belt but I snatched them back and pressed her arms above her head to let her know I was in control of this. She moaned again and pressed her hips up against mine in a search for pressure and friction.

My chest swelled hotly when I looked down to see my angel, my salvation spread out naked beneath me. Without another thought, I hitched her bare leg up over my waist and reached down with my hand to brush my fingers against the hot, wet skin between her legs. I pressed my erection up against her and she wailed. "Edward-Edward, please..." she whimpered as her head tossed on the pillow. I pushed two fingers inside her heat and felt the grip of her muscles as I pumped them in and out.

Her breathing was heavy and ragged now, and I knew she was close. I drove her harder, higher, found the spot that would destroy her and watched as she fell apart in my arms.

The look of rapture on her face destroyed the animal inside me. I jerked back and rolled off her quaking body as a huge wave of shame rolled through me. I was disgusted with myself as I looked at her face to see her lips swollen and bruised. Her eyes were wide and her chest was rising and falling with rapid, shallow breaths. I couldn't even look at the rest of her. I threw an arm over my eyes and groaned in fury at myself for taking advantage of her like this.

"I shouldn't have come here," I mumbled in apology. I wouldn't, couldn't, look at her right now. She'd probably kick me out and never speak to me again. I'd just fucked myself in the worst way possible.

The room was silent save for our heavy breathing. My stomach churned with nausea. Suddenly, I felt her weight land across my lap. Her small hands tore away the arm covering my face. "_Edward! _Tell me what the fuck is going on right now! What the hell happened tonight?"

I opened my eyes and looked up at her warily, wondering if she was going to kill me for being so rough and careless with her. "I can't really talk about it," I said quietly. My voice sounded raspy and haggard.

She frowned and leaned forward to press my arms against the pillow as I'd just done to her minutes before, only this time it wasn't with sexual intent even though she was still completely naked. Her dark brown eyes bore into mine and I knew she'd break me. "Tony," she whispered, "I want to know. I want to help," she whispered.

The use of my middle name snapped me out of the haze of self-hatred and disgust. I felt my chest shudder as the storm of emotions rose up to choke me. "I lost someone tonight. It was...it was really hard. And I saw my dad. I yelled at him," I replied.

Her eyebrows wrinkled as she listened. "Who? Wait, it wasn't your dad. Who was it?"

I shook my head. "It's a long story. But I was just so _angry_ and I-_Fuck!_" I choked on the words.

Her face filled with sympathy and I tried to sit up so I could leave before I completely lost it, but she wouldn't let me. She pressed herself against my chest and wrapped her arms around me before burying her face against my shoulder. "Tell me about it, baby," she whispered as her fingers ran through my hair.

I hugged her close to me and I felt her breath _whoosh_ out of her lungs before I relaxed my grip a bit. I couldn't talk yet. I nuzzled my face into her neck and just breathed her in, wishing I could absorb her into my skin. This Bella was so different from the Bella I'd met at the beginning of the summer. She was soft and sweet. It was astounding how much comfort her presence brought me in this moment.

Finally, I felt like maybe I could talk. "My friend called me. She needed me," I said. Bella stiffened ever so slightly and I read her like an open book. "She's a woman from my church, she was dating my father. Anyway...I called my dad and told him to come and I haven't seen him in so long now and he was so fucking clueless and..." I had to stop rambling to breathe before I could continue. "And I was just so fucking _mad_ and all I wanted to do was tear into him for everything."

My throat tightened and my eyes felt hot and prickly. I closed them in an attempt to stop the emotion tearing through me, but it didn't help. My chest started shaking and my voice was unsteady as I went on. "I was...and he...And I just fucking _lost it_. She looked so sick lying there, you know? Just like...just like my mom, except she wasn't my mom, and I just couldn't..." I couldn't say anymore because suddenly I was gripping Bella against me as the cries that would never come were released in a torrent. The storm inside me took over, tearing my chest apart and wrapping around us as I tried not to cry even though I'd already lost the battle. I buried my wet face against her chest between her breasts over her heart and sobbed. "Why couldn't he...he just fucking never...I just wanted...my mom...he can't...he won't...I..._God_!" I mumbled incoherently as she made soothing sounds and pressed my head into her chest.

"Just let it out," she whispered softly as she rocked us gently. I wanted to be ashamed, but I just couldn't. I was too overwhelmed.

"Why can't I just be enough for him the way I am?" I asked brokenly.

I looked up to see Bella's face fall as tears of her own slid silently down her face. Her hands framed my face as she raised my head until we made eye contact. "I know how you feel," she whispered.

And she did. She must have, because her mother left her, too. Maybe my dad didn't _physically _walk out on me, but it was basically the same thing. I dropped my forehead back down to her collarbone and felt my body slowly relax until I was only mildly shaking.

The room was thick with silence. The embarrassment I'd refused to feel earlier rushed up to make my heart pound as I realized just how much I'd revealed to Bella in the short time I'd been here. We hadn't been together long, hadn't even been _friends _that long, and already I was dumping all of my emotional baggage on her.

I pulled away from her as gently as I could, even though my first instinct was to run away as fast as I could. I had to pull myself together. I had to get out of here before the sympathy gave way to pity. I wasn't the guy she'd thought I was. I wasn't the guy in the band she used to worship. I wasn't even the guy in her poli sci class who debated with her so confidently.

I was a pathetic, broken little _boy _without anything to offer her. I needed to get out of here _now_.

My shirt was under the bed but I found it and pulled it on. The rest of my clothes were still on, so I didn't have to go searching in the dark. I felt another wave of embarrassment and disgust when I saw Bella's body in the moonlight. She was naked and shivering. Her eyes were wide and dark and she looked afraid.

She was probably terrified of me after the way I'd jumped her and freaked out on her like a fucking madman.

"I'm sorry. I should go," I said. She bit her lip and I winced when I looked down and saw the dark bruise forming on her neck. There was no way I could forgive myself for doing this to her.

Without anything else to say, I left.

Miles away in a dark hospital room, a man sat and watched a woman sleep as he wept for the children he'd lost.


	24. Fight Song

**A/N: Uhhh...yeah. I didn't mean to go that long without updating. Sorry. I hope there are still some of you out there willing to stick with this story. I promise I'll finish it. I don't walk away from my stories, especially not stories that I've put a lot of time and energy into!**

**Okay, so now that that's out of the way, please check out my profile for a link to a mix I made specifically to go with this chapter for Bella's POV. I did this for the last chapter for Edward's POV, so that mix is still available as well. I hope you enjoy them! **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. There's a lot of emo in this chapter. You have been forewarned. Also, I don't have a beta for this chapter so all the errors are completely my fault. I apologize for them. **

**BPOV**

_**Text from: Bella **_

_**To: Edward **_

_**10/18/90 8:00 am**_

_Are you okay? _

_**Text from: Bella **_

_**To: Edward **_

_**10/18/09 12:02 pm**_

_Please let me know if you're okay. _

_**Text from: Bella**_

_**To: Edward**_

_**10/19/09 17:38 pm**_

_I'm really starting to worry._

_**Missed call from: Bella 10/20/09**_

_**12:11 am**_

_**New Message**_

_"Um...hey. I just wanted to call because I haven't heard from you and I'm worried, so could you please just call me and let me know if you're okay? Please?"_

_**Text from: Bella**_

_**To: Edward**_

_**10/22/09 11:17 am**_

_Edward, I'm really worried about you. PLEASE call me!_

_**Missed call from: Bella 10/23/09**_

_**7:09 am**_

_**New Message**_

_"Shi...uh, hi Edward. It's me. I mean, it's Bella..._

_Um...I guess you must be busy or whatever. I really need to talk to you..._

_Okay, um, well I guess that's it for now. Just please call me, okay? I just need to hear from you." _

I didn't see or hear from Edward for nearly a week. I knew he had some things he needed to do, but I still had a hard time believing that he couldn't pick up the phone and call me, or text me at the very least.

I wanted to go to his house, or maybe call Rosalie and see if she'd tell me anything, but the thought that Edward obviously didn't want to see me kept me from doing either of those things.

...But if he wouldn't respond to me, how was I supposed to make sure he was okay?

I waited, but he didn't show up for school. The radio station called me to let me know that unless I wanted to do the show by myself, it would go to reruns for a couple weeks because Edward was apparently "sick." Obviously I wasn't prepared to do the whole show by myself, so I told them to go ahead with recordings of previous shows.

When I went to Professor Allan's office hours, I told him I didn't know what was going on with Edward. I half hoped to hear _anything _about Edward, even if it was from the professor, but Allan didn't know much more than I did at this point. He did, however, tell me that he would try to contact Edward and see if he could get an answer about the final project.

I thanked him and drove home, hoping today would bring me some word from Edward about what was going through his head. I didn't want things to end like this, but what choice did I have? I couldn't exactly stalk him if I had any hope for our relationship.

I got an email from the professor the next day telling me that Edward had decided to drop the class. With that in mind, he told me he would take a shortened essay in lieu of the remainder of our project. While I was slightly relieved about my final grade not being affected by Edward's sudden disappearance, I was even more concerned about him at this point. It wasn't like him to drop out of the class, let alone desert his radio show.

Though I'd promised myself not to contact him again until he got in touch with me, I decided to send him an email informing him that I would be coming by Emmett's house tomorrow to talk to him.

I just hoped he'd actually be there, or else I'd feel like a big idiot when I showed up.

The next day, I pulled up in front of Rosalie and Emmett's house. Edward's car was the only one in the driveway, so I braced myself and walked to the front door. My stomach was in knots, and my palms were sweaty. I tried to calm my racing heart as I knocked on the door, but nothing could have prepared me for Edward answering the door.

His eyes were bloodshot and his cheek was creased from sleeping on wrinkled sheets. His hair stuck up in places and lay flat against his head on others. He had a few days' worth of stubble and all he wore was a rumpled pair of cargo shorts.

He didn't look very happy at all. In fact, he looked downright miserable.

"Edward?" I said, almost as if I wasn't sure it could be him. I actually found myself hoping he had a twin brother who dropped out of his classes for him and slept all day.

"Hey," he rasped. His voice sounded rusty from misuse. Maybe he was sick?

"Are you okay?" I asked, obviously concerned.

He brushed a hand through his messy bedhead and sighed. "Yeah, sure. Why are you here?"

His question was like a knife in my gut. I barely resisted the urge to flinch. "Um, I wanted to check on you. Professor Allan said you dropped the class and I haven't heard from you since, well..." I trailed off, not really sure what else to say.

Edward looked really uncomfortable. "Listen, about that...um, well..."

I stepped closer to him. He moved back reflexively, and I took the opportunity to move to his side so we weren't having this awkward conversation with me standing on the front porch. If he was going to break up with me, I wanted to preserve my dignity as much as possible.

He turned and walked into the kitchen. I followed close behind, hoping he'd say something and save me from his tense silence. He leaned against the kitchen counter and looked at the ground in front of his bare feet. I wanted to go to him, but everything in his body language explicitly warned me to stay away.

Finally, he spoke. "I told Allan yesterday that I wasn't able to finish the class. I'll have to go back next semester."

I waited, but that's all he said. "...And what about us?" I pushed.

He turned his head and stared into the empty living room. "I can't do this, Bella. I just-the other night was too much. I wasn't myself. I _hurt _you."

My entire body stiffened and I felt my heart drop to my feet. "What do you mean, you can't do this? Like, you can't right _now_, or you can't _ever_?"

I watched him chew his bottom lip and wished he'd just fucking _look _at me, but he kept his eyes carefully glued to a blank wall. "I don't know," he mumbled.

His words crushed me. "I can't...I can't believe you're doing this," I said. I felt my hands and face begin to tremble and knew that I'd have to get out of there fast if I didn't want him to see me cry.

Finally, he looked at me, but his eyes proved that he wasn't fully present. He looked so distant, as if he wasn't even in the same room with me. "I'm sorry," he said.

I slapped a hand over my mouth to stop the choked-off sob that almost escaped and swung around. The front door seemed so far away, but I ran anyway. I didn't even bother to say anything. What else was there left to say? I hoped he would follow me, that he'd come to his senses and let me in wherever he was hiding himself. I lost that hope when I reached my truck and turned back to see the front door open and dark, as if I'd broken into an empty home.

The last few weeks of the semester ended with minimal fuss. I was relieved when it was over. After I finished my last final, I collapsed in my bed and moped around listening to Tegan and Sara for the better part of a week. My dad, never one for awkward emotional encounters, left me to myself for the most part. He showed his support by leaving meals at my bedroom door.

I avoided calls from Leah and Emily because I wasn't quite ready to admit that Edward and I were no longer together. Or rather, that Edward had dumped my ass like a bag of trash.

The longer I stayed in bed, the more miserable I felt about it. I knew I loved Edward, but he obviously didn't feel the same way. I just didn't really know how to handle myself now, because I'd never been in love before.

My reprieve lasted seven days. On Sunday morning, Leah and Emily marched up the stairs and pounded on my bedroom door until I dragged my smelly ass out of bed and answered them with a "What the fuck do you want?"

Well, nobody said I had to be _gracious_.

"Woman, you'd better have a damn good excuse for acting like a whiny emo fuck for the past week," Leah said without preamble as she barged into my bedroom.

I ignored her in favor of sniffing my armpits and cringing. Okay, so showering was necessary. A priority, in fact. I started pulling clean clothes and underwear from my dresser.

Emily came up behind me and wrapped her arms around my waist. She hugged me close. "What happened, stinky ass?"

I couldn't help myself; I leaned back into her and laughed. "Nothing a week of moping the fuck out and a couple of demanding bitches can't fix," I replied.

Leah plopped down on my bed and promptly stood back up. "Bella, your sheets smell like a small animal died in them. Get your ass in the shower and take the Clorox with you while you're at it. I'm gonna do you a favor and burn these. Jesus."

I rolled my eyes and gathered my clean clothes. "Fine," I said.

The shower revived me and I spent a good ten minutes scrubbing the stink from my body. When I returned to my bedroom, I smelled like ginger orange bodywash and minty fresh toothpaste. Not a stink molecule in sight.

Leah had my bed made up with fresh sheets and Emily had three mugs of hot cocoa sitting on my dresser. I grabbed one and sat on my bedroom floor. "You guys are the best."

"We know," Leah said. "So what happened? I'm gonna go out on a limb and assume it has something to do with Tony."

I sighed and sipped from my mug. "Yeah. He broke up with me." I thought I'd been doing better, but just saying the words made me instantly tear up. I felt the familiar burning in my throat and tried to stop myself, but I just couldn't.

Emily left her perch on the bed to hug me against her side. Leah stood up and started pacing. "Why the fuck did he do a stupid thing like that?" she asked in outrage.

Trust Leah to go all mama bear on the situation. I wiped my eyes on the back of my fist and bit my trembling lip. "I don't really know. Some shit went down a few weeks ago and he just disappeared on me."

Emily sat up and stared at me. "He broke up with you _weeks_ ago and you never told us?" she asked incredulously.

Leah was biting her nails and glaring off into the distance. I knew that wherever Edward was right now, his balls probably inexplicably shriveled up inside his body in self-defense. "Um, yeah. Like a couple weeks before the end of the semester. I was too busy to be all depressed and shit," I said defensively.

Emily wrapped her arms around me again and looked up at Leah. "This sucks," she said.

Leah huffed and crouched down to gather me in, ignoring Emily. "You want I should break his kneecaps?" she asked gently.

I gave a watery laugh and pulled away. "No thanks. I think I'll just pretend he doesn't exist and get on with my life."

They sat on the floor with me for a while until our butts started to get sore. Leah finally stood up and brushed off her jeans. "Come on, we're gonna go get tattoos. Well, _you _guys are. I'm just gonna watch."

I stood up and raised an eyebrow. "Why aren't you gonna get one?"

She tossed her hair behind her shoulder and rolled her eyes at me in remembered irritation for my absence. "Well, you _would _have known already if you hadn't been ignoring us for a month, you brat."

I looked at Emily and then back at Leah. "What?" I asked dumbly.

Emily smiled and Leah huffed. "I'm knocked up again," she announced.

"Holy shit! That's...is that good?" I asked in amazement.

Emily laughed and Leah beamed. "Yep, Jake's in proud daddy mode. I didn't want to tell you over the phone."

I hugged her and we talked about the baby while we went downstairs and I left my dad a note. Emily drove us to the tattoo shop.

A few days later, I was in a much better mood. Everyone was really excited about Leah's pregnancy, and their enthusiasm cheered me up. She was only a few months along, but we went shopping for minor baby stuff anyway. Even my dad was in a good mood about it, but that made some sense considering the fact that he was so close to Ezra.

I had just returned home from Jake and Leah's house when my phone rang. I didn't recognize the number, but I answered anyway. "Hello?"

"Bella?" the caller asked.

"Um, yes?" I said. "I'm sorry, who is this?"

"It's Alice," she replied awkwardly.

Why was _Alice_ of all people calling me? My brow crinkled in confusion but I decided to see what she wanted anyway. "Oh, um, hi. What's up?" I asked.

She sighed. "So I know this is weird, but...well, do you still care about Edward?"

Okay, this was weird. "Yes?" It wasn't a question. I still loved Edward.

She took a deep breath. "I'm worried about him. We all are. He's been a mess ever since Esme's miscarriage. I don't know why he's taking it so hard, but my guess is that there's something more going on. We've all tried to talk to him, but he just gets more distant every time we try."

This wasn't good news at all, but..."That sounds awful, but what do you think I can do?" I asked. "I tried, but he...he broke up with me. I don't think he wants me around," I said.

There was a short silence on the other end of the phone. "Listen, I know we didn't get off to a very good start. I was a total bitch to you, and I'm sorry. I didn't think you'd be good for Edward, but I know differently now. He still has a picture of you on his computer desktop. Emmett and Jasper caught him staring at it the other day. I don't know why he'd break up with you, but I thought maybe it was a sign that you could be the one to get through to him," she said.

I was totally shocked by her apology and this new bit of information about the picture. "He was? That's- nevermind. Whatever. I don't get it. He _dumped _me."

"Maybe he regrets it. That could be why he's such a mess. Would you take him back if he asked?" she said.

I considered this for all of a minute. "Yes, but I don't know if that's the problem."

She grumbled in frustration, but I could tell it wasn't aimed at me. "He went camping. He left yesterday. Jasper and Emmett know where he went, but they wouldn't tell me or Rose. Maybe they'd tell you?" she asked hopefully.

I considered how much of a creeper this would make me if I were to stalk Edward to wherever he was camping. Somehow, Alice's concern was enough to convince me that it would be worth it. "Okay, I'll try," I said wearily. "But I can't make any promises." After all, if he wasn't willing to let his best friends in, what could I expect to gain from chasing him down?

"Thank you _so _much, Bella. Please let me know if I can help you," she said with relief.

We hung up after she gave me Emmett's phone number and I braced myself for yet more rejection as I dialed it.

After a quick and surprisingly painless conversation, I had the directions to Edward's campground and a feeble plan to go find him. Thankfully, we were still on break from school and I had no real plans, so I was able to leave on short notice.

I packed a small bag and a cooler full of food and called my dad at work. He was obviously worried about me and thought I might be crazy, but he didn't dare say as much. He told me to be safe and I told him I'd call him as soon as I could, and that was that.

I called the girls and let them know I would be gone for a day or two, and hit up Google maps for some better directions to the campgrounds. Edward was crazy to be camping in the winter, but I knew I was even crazier for going on this fool's errand.

Nevertheless, my truck and I drove the hour to the Olympic National Park. I stopped at the visitor's office where campers had to register and made up some fantastic lie about how I was supposed to meet my boyfriend but I couldn't get ahold of him on the phone and I'd lost his directions to the campsite. Luckily the lady behind the counter was either naive or could tell I wasn't about to murder anyone, because she told me where I could find Mr. Edward Cullen. I thanked her and hurried back to my car, hoping to reach him before nightfall.

Once I got to the North Fork campground, it thankfully didn't take long to spot Edward's mud-splattered Volvo parked next to a small tent. The flap was open, so I figured he must be inside. Suddenly nervous again, I parked and approached cautiously.

"Edward?" I called out.

Edward's head popped out of the tent and he spotted me right away. "Bella? What...why are you here?" he asked in surprise.

I pushed my hair out of my eyes and looked around guiltily. "Um, Alice told me I should come talk to you," I said lamely.

He looked even more surprised by that. "But...why?"

I shrugged. "I dunno, she thought it was a good idea, I guess."

I stood there awkwardly as he stared at me as if trying to figure out why one of his best friends would tell his ex-girlfriend that she never even liked in the first place where to find him. "So..." he said eventually.

I sighed and drew a circle in the dirt with my toe. "So," I echoed.

We were quiet. It was ridiculously awful. I was about to turn around and drive right back to Forks. Fuck this.

"I'm sorry you drove all the way out here," he said finally.

For some reason, that pissed me off. My head snapped up and I glared at him. "So, what? You're not even gonna talk to me? I came here because your friends are worried about you, Edward. _I'm _fucking worried about you! Why are you just pushing everyone away?" I accused. I didn't even care if my voice was loud enough to disturb the neighboring campers.

Edward looked irritated. "I didn't _ask _you to come _save _me, okay? I'm a grown man, Bella. I can take care of myself. I don't know why Alice dragged you into this, but I'm sorry. I can't be what you want," he replied in frustration.

I stood, shocked. "I didn't come up here to save you. I came up here to see what the fuck your problem is and snap you out of it. I don't know where you get off assuming to know what I want, so why don't you enlighten me?" I shot back.

He looked away to glare off into the distance. "I can't imagine you want to be with a guy who's as messed up as I am," he said in a defeated tone.

My back stiffened and my heart thudded in my chest. "What do you mean?" I asked.

He got out of the tent and walked to a nearby picnic table. I followed him and sat down across from him. "I took it out on you that night. I was rough with you, and it made me feel like an asshole. I've been a mess inside ever since my mom died, and my relationship with my dad keeps getting worse. After Esme's miscarriage, my dad showed up to the hospital and we had a big fight. Things got really ugly. I felt like I used you," he said, his voice ringing with self-disgust.

I reached out my hand to touch his. "I know your mom's death really messed up your relationship with your dad, but I think...I think you still love him, and that's why you did everything you did to make him happy. As for that night, you didn't hurt me. And I wanted to be there for you. It was what you needed, and I wanted to give that to you."

He looked up at me with grief in his eyes. "But I was so..."

I smirked. "Hot? Do you _not _remember how things went down? Because all I remember is you being totally wild and sexy. Trust me, I enjoyed myself. The point is, you don't see yourself clearly. Everyone around you who loves you can see that you're hurting, and we want to help you."

He gripped my hand and looked up at me. "What did you say?"

I froze. "Which part?" I asked.

"You said...you said you love me?" he clarified.

I got shifty-eyed. "Um, yeah..." I hedged.

He pulled my hand across the table and wrapped both of his around it. "I didn't think that was possible," he said in amazement.

I frowned. "Well, I do. I'm in love with you, even though you had to be stupid and break up with me. And now you're out here pouting and avoiding everyone like a big baby and-What?" I asked, wondering how he could go from looking so glum to smiling like a jackass. "You'd better not be laughing at me," I warned.

He stood up and crossed to where I sat. When he tugged on my arm, I rose and he pulled me into his arms. I was in shock. "I promise I'm not laughing at you. I think you're probably crazy for loving me, but...I love you too, Bella."

That's when he kissed me, and it was awesome, but I was still confused. When he pulled away, I looked up at him and sighed. "I love you because you may have a shitload of issues, but you're an amazing person. And you're hot. That being said, I want to know what you plan on doing about those issues now that we're all lovey-dovey and shit."

He laughed. "I don't know. Give me a little bit of time to think about it, okay?"

I shrugged. "Okay, but I think you should at least move back home. I bet your dad's pretty messed up after Esme's miscarriage. It'd probably be comforting for him if you moved back."

He froze for a moment and scowled. "I'll consider it."

"Good," I said.

"Good," he echoed.

We spent the majority of the evening making out, but we did take a break to roast some Smart Dogs and make some vegan s'mores. Unfortunately, the stupid vegan marshmallows were too stubborn to get soft and melty inside, but that didn't deter us from eating enough to get stomach aches.

When we drove back the next day, we went to Emmett's house and I helped him pack up his stuff. Emmett and Rosalie were really happy to see him, and Rose cried a little bit when she hugged me and whispered, "Thank you."

I hugged her back and told her to thank Alice, not me, but she just ignored me and cooked a huge dinner for us to eat. After that, I told Edward I'd see him later and drove home with a smile on my face.

Things were definitely looking up.

**CPOV**

The doorbell rang. I couldn't guess who it would be at this time of night, since Esme was already curled up next to me on the couch with her head in my lap, but I got up anyway. She barely stirred as I went to see who it was.

When I opened the door, I was shocked to see Edward standing there with a box in his hands. "Hey, Dad. I'm home."

I opened the door wider to let him in.


End file.
